Scared to go Home for the Holidays (possibly triggering)

[puppypancakes3]

So much trauma has occurred around this time of the year, and I just don't want to deal with another episode again. For the past 8 or so years, more severe in the past three years, something bad has always happened at this time of the year. I'm scared to go home to come back to the mess that it always is around the holidays. The past three years, something seriously traumatic has occurred. Things I still can't bring myself to talk about. I guess that's the nature of trauma. I wish I could talk about it, to just get it off my chest, but just thinking about it makes me want to break down, and I just really need to keep it together. It's finals week at school and it seems that all I can think about is how this year is going to turn out. I can only hope for the best, but it seems like every year it gets worse and worse. I try to keep my hopes up but I look back at all the times I've kept my hopes up, and I've just been let down. I've been let down too many times that I think I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that this might not be the year that everything s going to be all right. Maybe it will be, but I just don't want to be let down again. I'm scared to go back. i don't want this holiday season to begin, because I know how hard it is for everyone in my family. I honestly just don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to erase the memories, so I can have a happy holidays, but no matter how hard I try to keep it together, I just can't.

I'm scared and I'm tired.

I just don't want to do this anymore.

What am I supposed to do?

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Holidays tend to bring out a lot of emotions and can be overwhelming.

I'm sorry about your situation, puppypancakes3.

I understand very well how you need to keep it together for the school.

Maybe there is a way you can celebrate holidays differently like going for a trip or doing something else that can reduce the risk of traumatizing situations.

Being with family is not always good especially when things are really difficult.

Give yourself permission to do things for you and not for others who put the pressure on you.

I hope your school goes well.

[Ardraven]

Sorry to hear you're having to deal with this at the same time as finals, that must be so hard.

It's hard to know what to suggest knowing only such a small snippet of your situation.

Is spending the holidays somewhere else an option for you? Or is there somewhere else in your hometown you could stay and visit your family during the day? That way you'd have an out if things go south.

I hope you manage to have a fairly happy, chill holiday season and all the best for your studies.

[puppypancakes3 in reply to Ardraven]

I think it might be an option to go somewhere else for the holidays next year, but my family is already planning on having me and my new fiance over for thanksgiving, and it would be a lot to change plans now. Also this is the first time I'm bringing my partner to thanksgiving, because I've been so afraid in the past, rightfully so. The past three years that I've been with him, and have thought about bringing him to thanksgiving, something terrible has happened. I'm scared it's going to happen again. I'm hoping this year will be okay. Things seem to be going well at home. I just fear for the worst, since it really has been the last few years.

[Shy_Guy]

I understand about the holidays.

Most of the biggest traumas happened to me during the holidays. The holidays were so difficult because it put all the family members in one place which causes a lot of stress and then it was open season to add alcohol and prescription drugs to the mix. This combination was just a powder keg just waiting for a match. Even if the match did not light the air was full of tension and fear that it would go off at any moment. So we could not enjoy the season.

Don't be like me. I am a Grinch for the holidays. I can not handle being around my family of origin any longer so I don't. My kids accept me but they do not like being around me during the holidays so we celebrate our love for each other after Christmas. They are 16 and 10 so they are just happy to get the presents.

I have let my early experiences about the holidays ruin my present holidays. I am an old man now so I am not going to really change after all this time. I just try to make the holidays another day and something just to get through.

I hope you do not do this. Letting go of the past can definitely mess up the present. IF you let it.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Hey puppypancakes3.

I am sorry to hear that your time at this festive season can be thwart with fear.

There is so much expectation and it's so unnecessary for the most part - especially once when children have grown up. Sometimes it is ok to put yourself first and to say - ok... for this year, I am going to do something so very different, but that it is ok, because this is about renewal. The festive time is about renewal. So stepping back from the norm and planning something that is maybe even just so very low key, can be good and nourishing. It's not always about them, it is also about ourselves.... Trying to find that balance is important, because of course, letting others down is never great. But sometimes, also, it is ok, to just say, this year we will be planning something afresh, so that the new year can be brighter and more beautiful..... because the past efforts have not born fruit.....

Whatever your context and tribe - I wish you well. It's important to recognise your role in this and how much you can do, even if it means doing less... sometimes, so that more can occur.

I hope you empathise and wish you all the very best.

Blessings - C

[Amlughelke]

In my opinion, you shouldn’t go home if that is what has happened the last 3 years. It’s not really “home” if it’s not a safe loving place. My husband has an abusive mother that visiting her always ended up being traumatic, so we don’t visit her anymore. At first we felt guilty about it, but we realized it was for the best. There’s no point putting yourself in a bad situation.

[puppypancakes3 in reply to Amlughelke]

The thing is, I have a very loving and caring family, but they are also quite dysfunctional in other ways. My sister deals with addiction, and I've had to see her struggle every year for the past I don't know how many years. Most of the trauma I've experienced has been related to my sister. I've seen a lot of things happen to her, and I just don't want her to suffer anymore. She's in a really good place right now, but I fear that she is going to relapse. I need to be there for my family, but I've just seen too much, and I don't want to see anything else happen.

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

Holidays bring up a lot of feelings for people.

You have to protect yourself.

Choose you.

[Equis-Canine Volunteer]

I truly understand. I have learned over time some very helpful ways cope with family and holidays. Initially I spent a lot of time worrying about what might happen during these visits. That is understandable because of difficult past events. Maybe by replaying it in my mind, I could find a solution. That endless cycle had good intentions but made me miserable and I also found it more difficult to pay attention the present.

Now I focus more on what I can control. That makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself instead of being a victim of other people and events. To think this through, I had to accept that bad things happened to me in the past and I will deal with how they affect me when the time is right- but not now. I imagine setting them in a box on my desk and pushing it to the side. This frees up my mind to focus on real things I can do for myself in stressful situations.

The important concept is have exit plan so I don't feel trapped in an uncomfortable situation. I name out loud or write down ways I can actively protect myself.. Doing this ahead of time when I'm calm, instead of at the moment I'm upset, makes a big difference.

Helpful things I've done in the past

In restaurants I've excused myself and spent some quality time in the bathroom using calming breathing. or other techniques. That plan also gets me out of heated conversations or extra loud rooms.

I've shared my issues with my husband and developed a code so he can sometimes redirect a conversation or support my exit.

I often choose to drive my own car so I'm not dependent on someone else if I choose to leave.

I've learned that staying with family can be very stressful. I get creative with why I need to sleep at a friend's place or hotel. At the very least, I have a list of reasons why I need to go somewhere for awhile by myself. Being alone in nature is my personal choice. (In the past I've said that I want to visit the family cemetery by myself ,which is a true statement.)

I tend to be a people pleaser but I now acknowledge that my first priority is protecting my mental health. As an adult I always have to right to say, "No, I don't want to do this or go there." The first time I said no to an older relative's demands was hard but I felt proud of myself afterwards I don't have to explain myself decision and can just restate that I don't wish to do whatever. Yet, I also have the choice to explain my reason to someone I fully trust who will understand and be supportive.

Know that family gatherings are stressful, at varying levels, for everyone. You aren't alone even if it is more difficult for you I've learned that taking the time to create a game plan to deal with difficult situations is very empowering. Using these tools has helped me many times and as an added benefit I now have much less anxiety when I think of upcoming events.

I hope you find this helpful.

I might create a surviving the holidays post with these suggestion as other members might find them beneficial.