New to this site & need to hear something positive

I'm currently seeing 2 different therapist every week. One is my psychiatrist who is trying to help me with therapy and medication adjustments, the second is a sexual assault counselor.

I was living with a man that was very controlling and became abusive. One night, during one of the many fights we had, he brutally raped me and hurt me. I was afraid to tell anyone. I knew he needed some type of medication so I thought if I could get him to see someone then I could get out of the relationship safely. That didn't happen. I finally got tired of everything and kicked him out. He continued to contact me in all kinds of ways and then showed up where I live (he lived an hour away). He came to my house drunk and tried to break in. I didn't want to call the police because I know many of them in this small town and he had already threatened to kill me if I told. I called my brother and he called the police. It all rolled downhill from there. He was arrested and posted bail twice, broke the order of protection twice and the last time he was watching me, they found a bat in his car.

They put him back in jail and increased it so he can't make bail this time. We're waiting to go to trial because he won't plea because he didn't do anything wrong. I know he will come after me again when he gets out. He won't make it quick and easy, he's going to make it painful and torture me.

I was also molested by an uncle from the age of 6-14. I'm 46 and I've had tons of counseling over the years and thought that I had dealt with my past. I guess I haven't.

I'm angry, depressed, terrified and I cry all the time. I pretend to be fine during work and when I'm with my children and I find that to be so stressful. I'm afraid of things I never was afraid of even as a child. I'm afraid to go out at night, afraid to go to the mall.

I am determined to make it through this trial and in the end, I want to make a Victim's Impact Statement and be able to read it myself.

In the meantime, I hate the angry, defensive, depressed person that I've become and it seems to be getting worse as time nears the trial (no date has been set yet).

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this? I'm also having panic attacks that just don't make sense. Nothing will be going on and I will start feeling the symptoms of a panic attack.

2 Replies

  • Oh, Jenn, your story sounds so familiar! One of my traumas involved spousal abuse. I'm sooooo sorry you have to deal with this! My neck was broken in an attack....

    When I was dealing with it, I had to get very strong, very determined. I was NOT going to allow him to victimize me again, in any way! That included the emotional abuse and fear that comes with surviving that kind of thing. I refused to be a victim - I am a survivor!

    Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? It certainly sounds like it, but I'm no doctor. It's just that what you describe in your level of fear and anger is what many of us deal with. I, and many others that I've chatted with here on this forum, wish there were a magic pill or a magic wand - a way to take it all away. I wish I had that for you. But, in the meantime - until we find that magic fix - know that you are safe here. This forum is filled with loving, understanding, encouraging people. We all have different stories, but many of the symptoms we deal with are the same, and many of our struggles are the same. But we are all survivors! We are finding life in spite of the PTSD. With Michele's help, we will find healing.

    Hang in there! You are not alone.

  • Jenn, I'm so sorry for this awful place you're going through. You asked for something positive, here's my 2 cents:

    There are very real reasons for the panic attacks and other symptoms you mentioned. Trauma affects your brain and body systems and creates the fear-based post-trauma experience and PTSD lifestyle.

    The good news is: the changes can be reversed. Take a look at the free info in these webinars: they detail how trauma changes the brain and how you can help it change again, which can help reduce the panic attacks, depression, etc.

    Although it can take some time it's enormously possible to move forward. If you find yourself stuck in the same place for too long then many of us survivors find relief by choosing a new approach and/or treatment.

    Hang in there. You're not alone.

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