Hello I am new.: Hello everyone. I am from the... - Heal My PTSD

Heal My PTSD

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Hello I am new.

9 Replies

Hello everyone. I am from the UK, I am 36, married to a wonderful man. We have 3 beautiful children (13, 11 and 10). I have joined here as I have always feared I had PTSD as I have had crippling anxiety the last 3 years. I have gone through very good stages but I always hit setbacks and I am currently in a bad one due to some physical issues terrifying me daily. I have always had anxiety, but it usually focussed on my health fears but I got over that and life was good again. Then 4 years ago something happened in my life, huge life changes and since then my anxiety has felt strange. I will share my story but i just wanted to say daily my anxiety is fear of socialising (i stay at home alot and rarely have visitors as I am restless and can't relax with them), anxious going out, I dread any event, meal out, parties etc... intrusive thoughts which now have eased a lot but they began a few years ago when this anxiety started, very inside my head, very cautious and worry about everything, can't do appointments (Last year i was back doing them with my husband with me but now since the awful fatigue and anxiety i can't again).... I just feel my anxiety is about everything.

4 years ago I lost my grandmother suddenly. The previous year my brother became violent (he has a personality disorder aswell as other mental health issues) he turned up at my house and hit my husband for no reason, pulled down our front wall and went crazy. I had to call the police to have him removed. My poor son witnessed it as it all happened so quick. After this i was told by my family to forgive him as he was ill, stupidly I did. A year later he one day flipped again and chased me in his car, calling me hurling abuse at me telling me he was after me. I ran into the police station where he ran in after me and tried to hit me but was arrested. After that day I cut him out of my life and as a result my sisters and mother cut me out of theirs as they resented me for not forgiving my brother, yet again.

2 months later my son suddenly took ill and had an emergency operation. Within 2 weeks I started having panic attacks in shops and ended up agoraphobic. I was afraid to go out due to the panic but also afraid of seeing my family. I became a recluse I couldn't go anywhere even with hubby. I would sit in the car whilst he went into shops or even the park. IN the end I had to sit down and tell my children that mum couldn't go out as they were asking why. They were fantastic and supported me no end. It gave me the motivation to go out and try. I read Claire Weekes books and out I went. Everytime I did the children high fived me as I left a shop or cafe, it was amazing and i got my life back. In 2013 I had a fab summer then in the November my sister got intouch hurling abuse at me for my mum having high blood pressure, telling me if my mother died it would be all my fault as she was heart broken I had split the family up. I had a huge panic attack sat at home alone. The next day I had intrusive thoughts. Thoughts what if i jump off a bridge, what if i lose control and hurt my children... those type of scary thoughts and images in my mind. It was so bad I made my husband remove knives, my car keys... I had a nightmare of my brother chasing me with a knife, I have no idea why other than since I was a child i hated knives as my brother used to self harm with them and it scared me, so I think that nightmare triggered my intrusives about them too.

I went and got some advice from my GP, terrified what he would think of me. He told me I was the most caring, loving mother he had ever met. I asked if I Had PTSD and he said no, but the way my family had treated me had caused such high anxiety. He said my family were toxic and told me to stay well away from them. He had warned me for years my brother was dangerous. I asked for a referral to the mental health team, he didn't think I needed to but I wanted to for my peace of mind.

I had the assessment and they told me I had suffered a huge loss losing my grandmother who was my world and more like a mother to me. Then for my own mum and sisters to cut me off when it was my brother at fault was terrible and of course threw me into high anxiety and ocd with the intrusive thoughts. He reassured me I wouldn't do the things i was thinking and they were purely a product of high anxiety.

I went and had CBT privately. It was a form or ERP to face my thoughts and things i was avoiding. It worked and I got my life back. She taught me to face everything. I was back out living.

Then recently my 11 year old son was badly bullied, in October he hit rock bottom and told us he had suicidal thoughts. Our GP referred him to the childrens mental health team who after an assessment said I'd be the best person to help him, as I knew more about anxiety and CBT than they did (go figure??). My son got worse as he felt he was never going to get any support. He was having up to 10 panic attacks a day in school, I was having phone calls from school daily asking me to pick him up as they couldn't cope with his panic. My son one day was having an attack and I left him in reception with his teacher, he was saying please don't leave me mum. I walked to my car and broke down. The night before that my daughter had been taken into hospital with suspected appendicitis and my husband was with her. All of the stress seeing my son like this daily with no support was making me ill. I drove home from the school and broke down crying. I rang CAMHS begging them to help me with my son but they refused. Absolutely disgusted. I then took matters into my own hands and for 2 months gave my son CBT and last week he told me 'Mum I feel I have my life back. Thank you for helping me mum'. He now laughs again, is happy, gone from having 10 panic attacks a day to 0. He is my hero. He is close to completing his 3rd full week in school. I couldn't be prouder of him.

Since these 3 months of supporting my son, my daughter being ill on and off for 3 months I have had crippling fatigue and with it a ground moving feeling and balance issue. My GP has seen me twice and told me I am fine and put it down to stress. It has raised my anxiety again and I am pretty much at home a lot of the time. I don't go into shops often at the moment because of this, maybe once a week. I walk my dogs outside the house up and down the stress alone in the week and do my yoga but I dread every step around the house, even going to make a drink scares me as the ground moves or tips. I am putting it down to the fatigue. It's all made me very anxious. Anyway that's where I am now. I made amazing progress, and since the stress with my son since October and this fatigue and dizziness i feel back to square one as I am fearful of how I feel daily. I am hoping stress is to blame for the balance feeling. My GP ran tests on balance and bloods, and all fine but I still live in fear i have a brain tumour or something awful. I was doing fine until this latest stress, I am now back to square one and can't do appointments, or go out alone again, i even get anxious about my GP coming to my house.

I think what also has hurt me is I spoke to my mum about my son and what he was going through. She hasn't been to support him or me through this awful time. She has hurt me, hurt my kids so much the last few years. She left me and my world fell apart. I am now stronger and won't allow her close to me, she occasionally visits the children, usually birthday or Christmas. My children hurt so much as my mum is very close to her other grandchildren, she is with my sister daily. I hate seeing my children hurting.

Sorry I rambled on.

Julie

9 Replies

Hi Julie and welcome. What a story and no wonder you are having problems, you have done well to recover so well at times. Coming from a very dysfunctional family myself I can identify the background stress and trauma very well, and how undermining it becomes, coupled with the ongoing ups and downs of bringing up your own family. And well done for giving your son the support he needed which sadly was lacking from CAMHS. I'm glad you see your mum for what she is and have chosen to stay away, but the unfair treatment must be hurtful for you .guptaprogramme.com/causes-o...

A few years ago I started suffering from social anxiety badly in a similar way to you and went on a course called the lightning process which helped explain how this background stress from my family (parents and siblings) was affecting me, The link to this site above provides similar information and I hope it helps if relevant to you. Just a suggestion! Please feel free to PM me if I can help further.

in reply to

Thank you so much. I shall take a look.

I haven't even been diagnosed with PTSD but always wondered if it's what I had. I had a tough childhood as my brother had serious issues and self harmed. I was the eldest of 4, my dad was always out drinking and my mum treated me as a helper. I felt neglected and unloved and to this day I still do.

I haven't had an easy life. I am now worried I will die and leave my children behind if something awful is causing me to feel this fatigued and dizzy :-(

Thank you for your kind reply.

in reply to

The hypothesis is that the amygdala becomes over reactive when one feels under threat which is what happened to me (long story to do with family) and other parts of the brain shut down (hence the other symptoms you mention) But the good news is that one can potentially reverse this. I can't recommend this treatment because I have not used this site. However It helped me understand why my anxiety levels were rocketing.

Good luck!

in reply to

Thank you Blogsie.

SavingGrace profile image
SavingGraceAdministrator

Hi there. I'm amazed you are still standing. You sound like the kind of pillar person who holds up everyone else in their family - just like my mum. At some point, you are going to feel it is a heavy bundle to carry on your shoulders and no wonder your mind and body are stressed.

P.S. Shutting out someone of your life is tough but necessary in cases.

Take it easy and please give my hugs and love to your son!

Bullies always go for those they are secretly jealous of ; those who are good and with faithful hearts. I've been bullied [as an adult!!!] and it makes me mad to think I allowed folk to walk over me when I was at my weakness. Bullies are not worth my time!

Hope 2016 becomes a much better year for you.

in reply toSavingGrace

Thank you so much Cats.

I just don't know for I've had or got ptsd. If I do he is it treated. I guess I've had cbt and I'm over all that either my family now as it was 4 years ago but the slightest stress since I can't seem to handle and am thrown into full on anxiety again.

Thank you for your kind words xx

Nathalie99 profile image
Nathalie99Partner

Hi Julie,

I am very sorry about the things you went through in your life. It feels traumatic to me, enough to cause ptsd.

Doctors often say that physical symptoms are all due to stress and sometimes it is the case but sometimes not.

Have you heard of conversion disorder? It causes severe physical symptoms such as paralysis, balance problems, seizures, loss of consciousness and more. It feels like there must be something terribly wrong but after all the tests it comes out nothing. The explanation is that in some cases the stress is so severe that it manifests itself as very serious physical symptoms.

Treating the causes of stress and anxiety is going to treat the physical symptoms completely.

You might need to get appointment with a neurologist to see if they can check it.

Lots of resources her but Another site which might be of interest to you outofthestorm.website/

with reference to complex ptsd if you have been affected by family members with personality disorders.

jackie-wright profile image
jackie-wright

Welcome, I am so very sorry U are struggling. I to have issues with social anxiety, so I know how very frustrating, and heart breaking it can be, and also how much you feel alone and scared, (un safe) and how desperate you are to communicate, but so very untrusting, and scared to connect with others in any situation. Its like I want to call them, but if they don't answer or call me back, then it will just confirm what I already know, is that, no one really cares, I don't matter, and I really am unlovable. Its really what's called a double bind, The thing that I need to do the most is the thing that absolutely scares the hell out of me (connecting with others, in any form) and the pain of confirming that reality, (I am unlovable) is so much worse than living in the loneliness, or aloneness, fear, and isolation, that I have created living in my very own self created jail cell. I'm not sure if we share the exact same feelings, but I believe its probably close. Either way the result is the same, which is needing , and really deep down wanting to be able to go back to "normal" but knowing that your different now, and you will probably never be that person again. I'm not trying to be depressing, its just what I have found in my journey, (which hasn't been very long, I might add) Its about accepting who you were , and who you are now, and being ok with that while getting to where your going, sometimes that's may just be getting through that day or minute or second. Please believe me when I say, I aint know where close to being healed, and I can sit here and write this, and with in 5 minutes some could trigger me into complete devastation. Somehow someway , and I don't know what that looks like for you, but , its going to be OK. You have to believe that. Its a daily adventure, in our own minds, even if we don't leave the house. :) You are a survivor !!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs <3

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