Hello everyone. I am from the UK, I am 36, married to a wonderful man. We have 3 beautiful children (13, 11 and 10). I have joined here as I have always feared I had PTSD as I have had crippling anxiety the last 3 years. I have gone through very good stages but I always hit setbacks and I am currently in a bad one due to some physical issues terrifying me daily. I have always had anxiety, but it usually focussed on my health fears but I got over that and life was good again. Then 4 years ago something happened in my life, huge life changes and since then my anxiety has felt strange. I will share my story but i just wanted to say daily my anxiety is fear of socialising (i stay at home alot and rarely have visitors as I am restless and can't relax with them), anxious going out, I dread any event, meal out, parties etc... intrusive thoughts which now have eased a lot but they began a few years ago when this anxiety started, very inside my head, very cautious and worry about everything, can't do appointments (Last year i was back doing them with my husband with me but now since the awful fatigue and anxiety i can't again).... I just feel my anxiety is about everything.
4 years ago I lost my grandmother suddenly. The previous year my brother became violent (he has a personality disorder aswell as other mental health issues) he turned up at my house and hit my husband for no reason, pulled down our front wall and went crazy. I had to call the police to have him removed. My poor son witnessed it as it all happened so quick. After this i was told by my family to forgive him as he was ill, stupidly I did. A year later he one day flipped again and chased me in his car, calling me hurling abuse at me telling me he was after me. I ran into the police station where he ran in after me and tried to hit me but was arrested. After that day I cut him out of my life and as a result my sisters and mother cut me out of theirs as they resented me for not forgiving my brother, yet again.
2 months later my son suddenly took ill and had an emergency operation. Within 2 weeks I started having panic attacks in shops and ended up agoraphobic. I was afraid to go out due to the panic but also afraid of seeing my family. I became a recluse I couldn't go anywhere even with hubby. I would sit in the car whilst he went into shops or even the park. IN the end I had to sit down and tell my children that mum couldn't go out as they were asking why. They were fantastic and supported me no end. It gave me the motivation to go out and try. I read Claire Weekes books and out I went. Everytime I did the children high fived me as I left a shop or cafe, it was amazing and i got my life back. In 2013 I had a fab summer then in the November my sister got intouch hurling abuse at me for my mum having high blood pressure, telling me if my mother died it would be all my fault as she was heart broken I had split the family up. I had a huge panic attack sat at home alone. The next day I had intrusive thoughts. Thoughts what if i jump off a bridge, what if i lose control and hurt my children... those type of scary thoughts and images in my mind. It was so bad I made my husband remove knives, my car keys... I had a nightmare of my brother chasing me with a knife, I have no idea why other than since I was a child i hated knives as my brother used to self harm with them and it scared me, so I think that nightmare triggered my intrusives about them too.
I went and got some advice from my GP, terrified what he would think of me. He told me I was the most caring, loving mother he had ever met. I asked if I Had PTSD and he said no, but the way my family had treated me had caused such high anxiety. He said my family were toxic and told me to stay well away from them. He had warned me for years my brother was dangerous. I asked for a referral to the mental health team, he didn't think I needed to but I wanted to for my peace of mind.
I had the assessment and they told me I had suffered a huge loss losing my grandmother who was my world and more like a mother to me. Then for my own mum and sisters to cut me off when it was my brother at fault was terrible and of course threw me into high anxiety and ocd with the intrusive thoughts. He reassured me I wouldn't do the things i was thinking and they were purely a product of high anxiety.
I went and had CBT privately. It was a form or ERP to face my thoughts and things i was avoiding. It worked and I got my life back. She taught me to face everything. I was back out living.
Then recently my 11 year old son was badly bullied, in October he hit rock bottom and told us he had suicidal thoughts. Our GP referred him to the childrens mental health team who after an assessment said I'd be the best person to help him, as I knew more about anxiety and CBT than they did (go figure??). My son got worse as he felt he was never going to get any support. He was having up to 10 panic attacks a day in school, I was having phone calls from school daily asking me to pick him up as they couldn't cope with his panic. My son one day was having an attack and I left him in reception with his teacher, he was saying please don't leave me mum. I walked to my car and broke down. The night before that my daughter had been taken into hospital with suspected appendicitis and my husband was with her. All of the stress seeing my son like this daily with no support was making me ill. I drove home from the school and broke down crying. I rang CAMHS begging them to help me with my son but they refused. Absolutely disgusted. I then took matters into my own hands and for 2 months gave my son CBT and last week he told me 'Mum I feel I have my life back. Thank you for helping me mum'. He now laughs again, is happy, gone from having 10 panic attacks a day to 0. He is my hero. He is close to completing his 3rd full week in school. I couldn't be prouder of him.
Since these 3 months of supporting my son, my daughter being ill on and off for 3 months I have had crippling fatigue and with it a ground moving feeling and balance issue. My GP has seen me twice and told me I am fine and put it down to stress. It has raised my anxiety again and I am pretty much at home a lot of the time. I don't go into shops often at the moment because of this, maybe once a week. I walk my dogs outside the house up and down the stress alone in the week and do my yoga but I dread every step around the house, even going to make a drink scares me as the ground moves or tips. I am putting it down to the fatigue. It's all made me very anxious. Anyway that's where I am now. I made amazing progress, and since the stress with my son since October and this fatigue and dizziness i feel back to square one as I am fearful of how I feel daily. I am hoping stress is to blame for the balance feeling. My GP ran tests on balance and bloods, and all fine but I still live in fear i have a brain tumour or something awful. I was doing fine until this latest stress, I am now back to square one and can't do appointments, or go out alone again, i even get anxious about my GP coming to my house.
I think what also has hurt me is I spoke to my mum about my son and what he was going through. She hasn't been to support him or me through this awful time. She has hurt me, hurt my kids so much the last few years. She left me and my world fell apart. I am now stronger and won't allow her close to me, she occasionally visits the children, usually birthday or Christmas. My children hurt so much as my mum is very close to her other grandchildren, she is with my sister daily. I hate seeing my children hurting.
Sorry I rambled on.
Julie
You are a survivor !!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs <3 
Flashbacks TRIGGER suicide 
Am I worrying too much?
Am I dreaming?
I just flipped out...
need to start dealing and healing 
