Receding

[oonagh]

I feel like my world is shrinking. Like I'm cutting myself off from everyone. Its getting worse and I don't have time for me I don't want to give in to it. I don't know where else to turn. It's 4am and I'm not asleep yet. It's not like me. Im getting forgetful. Im ok most of the time but it's worse at night.

[Hidden]

oonagh- I have been awake at 4 am nearly every night for almost 23 months. That is when my son killed himself. I too have become 'forgetful' and isolated. It didn't used to be me either. I think surrounding ourselves with people that understand and don't judge is the best thing we can do. I have been hitting the therapy pretty hard and have a unique situation wherein I use as much time as I need to use per session. So, I have done the equivalent of 3 years of therapy in 5 months. CRAZY! I am still in the deep exposure work and it isn't a great place to be, but I am on my way towards healing. If you are not in a good therapy setting, perhaps you could consider finding someone that specializes in PTSD. I offer you gentle hugs if you want them, and hope that you don't feel so alone at 4 am. I am there too.

[oonagh in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I feel lonely sometimes in a house full of people. I will feel better knowing that I'm not alone. I have no idea of how to go about getting into therapy in the uk to be honest. I have little time for me, I know I should make time. Thanks for the hugs they are needed.

[Hidden in reply to oonagh]

Try this-- find-a-therapist.uk.net/

Hope it helps. Let me know won't you? If that isn't helpful, just Google it (that is how I found this one).

I too am alone in crowded room. Part of that for me is self-protection, as I get overwhelmed by being around people.

Warm & gentle hugs your way oonagh.

[oonagh in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, it at least got me looking. Whilst I was I found a few choices. Don't want to talk too much publicly but I wonder if I need a relationship councillor before a therapist. It's so hard to decide. My brain is fried.

[Wannabee_Stressfree in reply to oonagh]

Oonagh,

Sorry to learn of your fate. Regarding finding a therapist ... couldn't your GP help you? If you spoke in confidence with him/her and explained your symptoms, there might be a way for your GP to put you onto a therapist. Of course, this is only a suggestion.

Hope you find help soon.

[oonagh in reply to Wannabee_Stressfree]

Thank you, yes I guess I never thought about my gp. He's always given me a lot of help. Ill do it, Monday. Thing is, I'll say that then other things get in the way but I have to be a little selfish I guess for once. My mum is always nagging me to go see the Dr.

[funkygypsy in reply to Hidden]

wow i woke up at 4am everynite for the first year of my ptsd and also had phases of isolating and feeling as though i was living on some bizarre tightrope that kept getting thinner. It is lonely being in a house full of people thats mainly because no one you live with knows the real you on the inside its like you have to act in a weird sucky tv sitcom when you feel ready for therapy i think having a look online and knowing what you are looking for in a therapist is a good place to start mainly someone you feel you can be you around i hope that makes sense. take care

[Hidden in reply to funkygypsy]

Here's a link to Psychology Today's find a therapist-- therapists.psychologytoday....

It is very easy to use to find local to you help.

I don't wake up at 4 am. I don't go to sleep until 4-7 am.

Your tightrope analogy is relate-able, good imagery.

I hope you can find what you need funkygypsy.

Hugs

[sange in reply to Hidden]

A lady i know well uses Art even mixed media to process what cannot be processed because of the same situation ..veI am saying this to say perhaps on the journey this might help release the thing that cannot be understood or fathom ..the why ...lots and lots of candy wool hugs from UK at 4.38 am PTSD night of triggers plus pain took my sleep but the joy is sitting here saying to you there are no words i can speak but candyfloss hugs wrapped in marshmallows to gently touch you ..and healing hands to remove every "splint " as the shepherd would lay the sheeps head on his lap to remove every thing trapped in its fur to stop the pain....yea through i walk through the valley m ay you be able to walk through not live in this valley and find a way as you did in supporting others with your kindness ..so sorry for your loss

[sange in reply to Hidden]

A lady i know well uses Art even mixed media to process what cannot be processed because of the same situation ..veI am saying this to say perhaps on the journey this might help release the thing that cannot be understood or fathom ..the why ...lots and lots of candy wool hugs from UK at 4.38 am PTSD night of triggers plus pain took my sleep but the joy is sitting here saying to you there are no words i can speak but candyfloss hugs wrapped in marshmallows to gently touch you ..and healing hands to remove every "splint " as the shepherd would lay the sheeps head on his lap to remove every thing trapped in its fur to stop the pain....yea through i walk through the valley m ay you be able to walk through not live in this valley and find a way as you did in supporting others with your kindness ..so sorry for your loss

[Hidden in reply to sange]

Thank you for a caring response Sange. Perhaps Art could be an outlet for pain for me. I know that therapists use it for young children. I purchased some paints and crayons for my younger alters, but they have not used them. I never played much as a child. I really wasn't a child I don't think. I am sorry you are having problems sleeping. I understand that for sure.

[sange in reply to Hidden]

yes check out art therapy please it helps I did it as i grieved over the loss of my life caused by brain injury and it helped ...still does ..a lady i met came tp talk to us about how she had a car accident lost her brain function was at the end of sanity .she was catholic so went each day to her mass so she could inside scream at God and telling inside what she thought of him...not trying to preach just relaying her story ok ....any way she scaeamed and cried at home too and her son in despreation bought her art supplies and daily she used charcoal to draw her darkness ..any way one day she tried colour Now here is the thing she had no art ability ok she was a techno business type ..but she kept drawing the pain out .the anger hurt first in charcoal then adding colour .as she drew it helped and Multiple Chris guess what she got better .She joined the local art class .some free thing and kept drawing then eventually went to study art mixed media screen printing stated teaching it in her local library today she in spain using her home for art holidays recovery place so the journey began with pick up the charcoal it inspired me so I tried art therapy it makes me feel better since i know the neuro science of the brain now and the good harmones it is sending around my body yep i carry coluor pencils and paper and draw the feelings of grief out of me....

another thing they use is photography

please u tube art therapy

they use gardening classes so its planting in the day but designing it at night with art bit i am not much of an artist yet but it comes to help and i do love mixed media

it is something i can use with the grand kids too in the times i can spend with them

might be worth a try ..also ask your GP or local mind about art therapy its for adults too

also there is a thing i use in neuro science thaught me its

1 take a piece of paper

2 draw a line in the middle ...

3 on the left side put words

4 right side put antonyms or opposite

when awake with thoughts i write the words i feel good or bad

on left side under words and write the GOOD OPPOSITES only UNDER ANTONYMS ON THE RIGHT SIDE ..I t takes time but it can help also create .good hormones in the brain and spread it round the body ..

also you can use your bad /opposite words to creat your own word search on line or in grid paper at hiome...

these are stuff i learnt sorry bout the long reply but praying some of this helps in the journey ..it wont answer why it cant sadly sometimes it wont explain what you cud have done different ..sorry and time dont always heal all ..but these might help get the trauma out of your cells and might be visiting your painting holiday home in the near future ..oh yes journalling meant to be good they say not got there yet

so use the time to give birth to a new thing who knows ..God bless ok :-~)

[Hidden in reply to sange]

Thanks Sange! I will explore this. I really appreciate the caring that went into your note. Although some of my fine motor skills are pretty trashed by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I think I can still manage to draw some.

I do a LOT of writing- that is my "art" of preference. I am not saying I am good at it, but it is something that speaks to me.

I will also try to do that neuro-exercise and see what happens.

Thank you so much again.

Warm thoughts and a gentle hug if you want it.

[sange in reply to Hidden]

recieve the gentle hug with peace joy thank you for the gift and thought PTSD makes hugs in physical a pain.....ok great i want to write but the things comes in my head triggered when in a place where i cant write it then its lost ...art is another form of writing a picture is worth a 1000 words ..so let it lead you with what feels right to you ...

[Hidden]

You know the little voice inside? Listen to it. You already know your answer if you can ask the question. Glad you are looking!

[oonagh in reply to Hidden]

I have so many things whirling round in my head. The bigger part of me wants him to go. I'm so glad of the freedom to be able to speak on here without any of my family knowing. It's my chance to be able to open up.

[sange in reply to oonagh]

good please let the thoughts out ..

[Hidden]

Then perhaps if you are not sure for now, it would not be a good time to make a decision. Just work through it a bit first. As long as you are truth-seeking, you'll find an answer- it's already there, you just have to find it. And breathe. So many things get worked out o our 'back-burners' don't you think?

[oonagh]

I wanted the kids to get a little older. The eldest is 22. Youngest is 12. I have nowhere to go and I know he won't go. I'm stuck and I've watched myself withdraw from him over ten years since his diagnosis. Multiple sclerosis. He left me out the loop. Cut me off. Changed over night and got violent and abusive. I threatened him when he hurt one of the kids and even in a weak moment when he asked me if I wanted him to go I said no but I'm not that person now. He's changed and is no longer the man I married but I feel like I love that moment over and over where he I find out he has ms and everything just falls away. I've had counselling and antidepressants while he just sat there and did nothing. I knew one day that I might end up resenting him and it's happening. Im sorry I went on.

[sange in reply to oonagh]

thanks for reaching out its good and support is here too its peer to peer a listening ear definitely hugs in cotton candy for you and multiple chris ...glad you used this process ioptions real glad as you do the solution will come I agree with multiple chris on that so process thought ..happy saturday to you

[Marlenam]

Why do you say you love the moment when you both found out he had MS ? It seems like that would have been a terrible moment.

[oonagh]

That was a typo. I'm on my phone. I meant live. Sorry my heads messed up.

[oonagh]

I was very young when my dad introduced me to one of his patients with progressive ms and I was mortified. So when my husband got it it all flooded back, even though it's relapsing remitting.

[MollyNZ]

Sounds like you feel trapped oonagh I remember being in that place, in an unhappy relationship after the trauma. Resentment is such a hard emotion to work through and heal. along with that feeling of being trapped in it, by it. I can only imagine how traumatic it was for you to find out about your husband and your future.

[oonagh]

It's like groundhog day every day. The pain of the fibromyalgia doesn't help, plus I have a nasty tension headache. Oh wo is me lol. I shouldn't complain, I know, I'm alive but somewhere along the way someone kicked my chair out from under me. Im not depressed, I've been there with both post natal and normal, if you can call it that. I can see the funny side of life and do laugh a lot. Although I got a letter this morning that dredged up the past and I cried. I don't cry much. Perhaps I should.

[Hidden]

oonagh: Healing and recovery is not a straight line. We move in a zigzag or in a sort of spiral. You might even say three steps forward, one step back, then three steeps forward again. It sounds like you are in retrograde right now. The others have given yu good advice.

[oonagh in reply to Hidden]

I have some days where I'm ok. But they can be followed by a day where I feel like the world is shut off from me. I can look round my house and see that it needs hoovering or other things need doing but it's all a blur. I've not really had much help round the house tbh but my kids are helpful now. Sometimes I know id be ok on my own. There have been desperate times, especially when my husband was first diagnosed with ms that I wished he would die. These times still happen now I feel bad for feeling like this.

[Hidden]

That's normal. I am like that too.

[oonagh]

Even the wishing death on him?

[oonagh]

Today I feel angry, not at anyone in particular, but maybe it's at myself. I feel so afraid of going to see my doctor tomorrow. I promised myself I would go. I actually tackled my bedroom today and it felt good.

[oonagh]

I have since I wrote this been to see my Dr. I poured it all out to him in a way which frightened me. I've never lost it quite like this before. He just sat and listened. The he noted things which had to be noted, not for the police but for the fact that my children were involved. I went for my assessment to see what type of therapy I need. I wanted cbt. But I think I'm just getting straight forward normal counselling. Im a bit disappointed. I also have done a battery of tests which showed I'm not as depressed as I thought so have taken the option of antidepressants.

Since then, two weeks ago, I've got the courage to face him and tell him I want a divorce. He's been very quiet. Yestersay jg e disappeared for 6 hours. I want worried because he's done this before but it wasn't fair on the kids. I just put it down to being a man thing. I'm still living with him and it's driving me up the wall because at times he's unpredictable.

On a lighter note, I started writing not long after my god friend died in May, I believe that kicked everything off in my life because it made me see how short life is and that I was wasting it, anyway I started writing. I wasn't going for a best seller, I've never written before and it's been a learning experience. I'm enjoying it. Plus it gets me away from the things that wind me up.