Hi i'm like all of you on here inflicted with a complex and invisible illness. I feel the need to keep a sort of diary so if nobody reads me or they do i don't mind i'm just doing it for me.
Today it's raining and miserable just like me, I have been out to the doctors early for bloods and i enjoyed the walk must remember to walk rather than take the car it's better for me. Paul came to bed this morning with a heavy mind as he is worried about our finances as am i but Our help from the council with our rent has gone down again and with all the payments that need to be paid i fear how we are to manage. I really wish i could work ,i'm actually angry with myself which is counterproductive as i can't do much about it. I feel if i were to get a job it would help me mentaly but how to get through the physical problems in order to achieve it i don't know. I feel so frustrated with my back and i feel i'm lazy but when i walked to the doctors earlier my left leg was partially numb and now they are painful and i know what it is as i suspected and the MRI confirmed it's my disk or lack there of. I am waiting for my appointment to see the specialist and find out what to do . I do worry it will be a fusion and in a weird way i want it as then i feel after the recovery i will be stronger and more likely to get work but it's being in this limbo and waiting i find darkening. My mood of late has been dark and fowl but by my doing so curse you sex lol. I need to get my arse into gear and be a happy positive person around my amazing daughter Phoebe and my equally amazing man Paul, both love me and are their for me. I am their for them too and try hard to do what needs to be done.
I need to start taking care in my apperance once more as that helps with my low moods and i feel it's not fair Paul has to look at me like this. It's not to hard it's not as if i wear lots of makeup or do my hair elaboratly just need to care. I can't keep blaming this illness for all that is wrong and yes loath to say it my mum is a little right when she said many moons ago that fibro makes me lazy because it does. It's easier to give in than to keep going. I need to feel i have a better reason to be tired other than just having fibro, i'm allowing it to take over.
£ years ago i used to go for long walks with Paul and our dogs ( sadly one died last January ) on the coastal paths and up the Preseli mountains and yes they are mountains hehe. we would happily walk for hours and yes i did have fibro then so if i was that able before i will be again, you mark my words.
I have a small goal and that is to do a parents and grandparents fun Gala run by one of her coaches in swim squad, it is in Middle March and i will enter all of them, well maybe not fly don't think my shoulders could take it.
I'm so proud of my daughter she took up the saxophone 6 months after all her fellow classmates ( took up their respective instruments ) and has overtaken them all in her year to start on her grade 1-2 and her and a boy in the year above who also plays the sax have been chosen for a special part in a song because they are the only ones who do sax can do it, She is brilliant on it and has stuck to it with a fair bit of pushing from mum and dad ;). WE dont force her. when she asked if she could take it up we said fine but she had to do a minimum of 3 months to give it a real go and she had to practise every night even on holidays and she agreed and we paid for tuition in the summer and it paid of as she has sailed a head which is what she needs as she is so critical of her self even at her age ( 10 next month) and when she gets praise from others not lowly old mum and dad, it boosts her.
The same has happened with her swimming she has become a fluid swimmer and and has the potential to do well as she is tall and slender as her coach said. We are such proud parents.
My Paul works so hard to bring money in and to still live a comfy life and he really doesn't get paid enough but has made my life so much richer and i thank the universe he came into our lives 3 years ago. When i was married to Phoebe's father he was on more than double Pauls wage yet we never had a life i was always on my own and doing with out. Thankfully i found the strength to leave and mighty glad i am. Paul's family took us in as if we had always been their.
I owe it to the people i love and who love me to get of my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself.