Nothing really to with fibro but need help as it has flared it up

[diane63]

I am a new grandma and grandad with my eldest son has just had a baby, we welcomed his girlfriend into our family, and she seemed to really like us to. My son was so happy we all got on.. But when baby arrived, we were so excited as U can imagine.. Now 6 weeks on, she won't let us watch him, or have him, her family has, and it's devasted us all. We always had kids round our home, my son is caught up in the middle but does not no what to do.. We don't smoke, drink, have a clean house. When we visit she always has a moan at my son when we leave,, we picked him up to quick when he cried, we cuddled him.. It's got to stage now, we decide before we go in who turn it is to cuddle baby... We are all devasted.. Anyone got any advice for me, I gave cried for weeks, now on diazepam to help me, ( not hat I have told her as don't want her to have another thing to moan about... I am at my whits end, fibro bad now to xxxx

[charlotte88]

Hi,

I'm not sure this will help, but just want to share my side. When I had my children I hated them going to my partners families. Even now I am very funny about it. But to my family I have no issues atal. Now I love his family, and I know they would always look after and do nothing but care and love them. (My children are 5 and 3) but for some reason, not so much now but still a little, I feel funny about it, the thought of them sharing time with my children, cuddling them putting them to bed, or anything makes me feel less of a mum, I don't know why and I can't explain it. But for them to go to my dads etc I know he's no threat. Now I don't want to come across mad, and honestly now I'm fine to a point, but when their grandma or his sister spends time with them I do feel abit I suppose jealous? I don't think I'm threatened by male figures just female, and until now writing it, I never realised how silly it sounds. But when my son was born and used to go for the day or night is spend it crying worrying he would love them and not me, or worrying they were not doing things as I would. 6 weeks is still so young, every mummy handles things differently, and until she feels she knows you all inside out, and feels your no threat as a mother figure etc, she'll probably be the same. I really wouldn't take it personally, I sound barmy don't i but honestly coming from a mum who's done it, there's no harm intended it'll be purely over obsessive mother instinct xx

[diane63 in reply to charlotte88]

Thank u so much for this, I kinda get it as a mum myself, but as I am now older, it more annoys me that, being very close to my son, and him us, it drives me mad that... It's his baby to, and he wants us involved.. She used to come stay here alit as she constantly fell out with her family, I made a friend with her ( not a mother). So this is why I feel, and my hubby to, that even her aunties have baby sat him... But thanks for replying x

[Sarah-Jane]

Hi, as a mum, nan, ex-child-minder I hope I can put your mind at rest. I will try to put things gently as your feelings are currently raw and you are very sensitive as this girl is.

Can you take a side step and see things another way? I hope when you have read this, if it upsets you, you can forgive me, but my hope is that it will help.

Now from my point of view this girl is still battling her hormones, she is brand new at being a mum and will feel every look, word, action severely. You do not need to have done or do anything wrong, please don't be so upset. Do you remember how a baby reacts to how you are feeling? That is what she is doing, I don't think she even realises it, but if she does, she may not understand why she feels this way. When I had my first baby, they called it Baby Blues. I would burst into tears for no reason!

Can I ask you a question? When you see her, where does your attention go? Have a think about it. Think back to every time since that baby was born. Beforehand, didn't everyone wonder how she was, how she felt etc? She is probably feeling like a child who has lost your attention. Now its all on the new baby. I recall being very careful when my friends had their children. A gift for the mother, for the siblings and then the baby. Attention on the mother, siblings and then the baby. Returning to the mother, siblings, to see how they are doing, what they are feeling, what they want to do.

Tread very gently and things may improve faster than you expect - but don't expect too much. Remember, how you deal with things now may resound down the years when others arrive!

Oh dear, I do hope you understand I am trying to be gentle on your feelings too? Currently I am being a loving mum from a distance, having barely seen my 5 month old grandson - my daughter has a lot on her plate and there is not a lot of time for nan. It will come around again. For her first, I was around and available, for her last one I was there nearly every day - but then she is my daughter. For this one, there is too much going on and I am in the way. School holidays are coming up - things will begin to improve then.

Soft hugs

[diane63 in reply to Sarah-Jane]

Thanks for the reply... I know where ur coming from, but, I always hug her first, ask how she is feeling ect, then pop over to see my wee grandson, if he is asleep I never lift him, then I go see if she needs anything done, dishes, washing ect... My son who is quite shy, and hates upsetting anyone, keeps saying I don't get this mum, I want u and dad get close to his baby... I have to ask her if I can lift him if he crying, if I can change his bottom ect.... I just feel so pushed out, my hubby is devasted to as we were always such a close family.... It's so hard.. Xx

[kerrykell in reply to diane63]

Im an aunti on the parternal side of the family. Me and my sister in law have a great relationship. But it was me that went above and beond the call of duty...... I looked after the kids while she worked. With her first (now 5) only her mum looked after him. No one else got a look in at all. She didnt trust anyone at all. And as she had been round her mum all her life she knew what she was like. My new nephew 3 months old ONLY comes to me now, not any parents, we all hated her in the beginning as we were pussed out. So I bit my tongue for my brothers sake to be honest I cant say how it happened it was just time. If you go round dont as if you need help cleaning as it can seem your saying she cant care your son as she dirty. Me n you would be bloomin greatfull fir someone to come and clean. A new mum.......... "I can do it , im a good mum"

Hugs

kerry xxx

[diane63 in reply to kerrykell]

Thanks honey, just hard to get right balance x

[TheAuthor]

Hi diane63

From my male perspective I totally agree with Sarah-Jane.

I would like to add to it though. Please don't feel offended in any way this is simply a male observation of most females and nothing more. I have found that many women suffer from low self-esteem compared to their male counterparts (genetic male social conditioning) and as a result they tend to latch onto another female and project their own sense of self-worth onto them. Now, with her hormones at this time and possible baby blues she may be latching herself onto you with a low sense of self-worth. Another words, she doesn't feel good about herself and is projecting that onto you. As Sarah -Jane said, give her space and time and she will most likely come around and then you will get time with the baby. You could possibly help this along by finding out what her interests are and sharing something with her. This may help build a bond between you and if this flourishes please do not be afraid to give her a hug and tell her how much you appreciate her friendship and company.

I sincerely hope that this is of use to you and that you are not offended as it was not my intention. Good luck.

Ken (the author) x

[diane63 in reply to TheAuthor]

Thanks so much, I am willing to try anything, my son is feeling very low, he works hard and tired, which of course is most men, but he is my best friend to, like I am with my 3 kids, it's so hard watching aunts friends ect babysitting when we not allowed.. Sometimes I get so down about it I cry for days xx

[bourne]

have you thought that she could be with the baby blues or more , the people that are closest allways get pushed away first, and cant see what could be wrong. i would be brave little steps go on your own woman to woman and visit and lisen to see what she has to say. if she is unwell she will not see it or want to be told it be strong and see if you can help ,

[diane63 in reply to bourne]

Thank u honey, that might help xx

[nanaber]

Please excuse any typo errors I'm using my phone but felt I had to respond to this. My response I'd different from the others I'm a grandmother who is going the ought the same thing. My sons children are 2 1/2 and 6mths. My hubby and my self have had the very same response from my DIL. We are ok to babysit and take the kids for a weekend when my DIL needs a break but if she doesn't need us we are not wanted. I feel used and abused by her. My son is in the middle so I say nothing but the hurt she has caused us can't be explained or understood. There's nothing I can do if I want to se my grandchildren I have accept this which is what I do. I will follow this post with great interest.

[diane63 in reply to nanaber]

Thanks, I would feel like u to,, think it's the dreams u have of becoming grandparents, how u want to spend time with them, when it all goes wrong it's like u grieve for what u thought it would be like. Thank u so much xx

[nanaber in reply to diane63]

I wish my laptop was working then I could reply properly to you.

[charlotte88]

I don't know ur situation, but sometimes people only turn for help when they need it, so the times she's 'using' you couldn't be those times she just needs the help. When my children used to go occasionally I would cry all night because I missed them. But I needed that break. But unless I really needed a break I wouldn't send them, not because I didn't want them to go, but because I had already felt I have used a favour them going, so I was trying not to lean on them to much. X

[diane63 in reply to charlotte88]

I have offered help, lots, to let them catch up with sleep ect, offered to sleep on couch, and u can imagine how I would feel next day with fibro, but I just want to help to xx

[Wendylulu]

When you say she moans at your son when you go, how do you know? Is your son telling you that? Where does his loyalty lie?If he is it seems that in itself must be picked up by her.

[diane63 in reply to Wendylulu]

Cause she posts things in a way onto Facebook, I have came off it now as I can't stand seeing who has him for few hours, then I ask my son, just to try find out why she feels like this towards us, not to get him on our side, I am not like that, but to no why then I might understand what I can do, even if it means stepping back, but my son then keeps asking us to come through to see him and her and off course his first child x

[ember]

Morning all, I don't post often but try looking at the familylaw.co.uk for grandparents rights.

[diane63 in reply to ember]

Thank u xxxx

[charlotte88 in reply to ember]

I think this could be to much in my opinion, were forgetting the baby is 6 weeks old, if the baby was 5 and still no real contact I'd be concerned, but she's bonding with her baby. And like I said I felt my family were NO threat because I'd known them all my life. But new family is all new, give her time. X

[charlotte88]

Personally when I had my children the last week I wanted was his family round all the time, not because I didn't love them or care, but because this was my time now, no matter how tired I was I wanted to do it myself. Personally from this from the mother side I'd just tread carefully and let her come to you when ready , I have a fantastic relationship with mine, but sometimes I'd moan like crazy to the other half, but that's what women do well I do anyway lol. Please don't take it as she doesn't want you in the baby's life or theirs. It's a huge change, a relationship with her new child and then sharing with others is a hard concept. I still don't like sharing mine, but I know that's life. Xx

[bluebell99]

Please do not take this personally. Daughters tend to favour their mums, especially when this is all new to them. They know them inside out and need to feel the protection and understanding they offer. I don't think that she is deliberately turning you away, just perhaps feeling you are watching her every move and she is worried she is not coming up to your standards.

How often are you going round? Perhaps you could step back a little, just ring now and again to see if she needs anything at the shops or jobs you can help with. Please don't put you son in the middle, it's not fair to him, he needs to support his new family. Think back to when you were a new mum. Didn't you try to do everything to be a perfect mum and focus all your attention on the baby?

Six weeks is not a long time, let her recover from the birth and regain her figure and self confidence. My friend has been going through the same thing and she is devastated that she doesn't seem to be involved enough so it does happen to other people. She is not even allowed to give him a bottle or hold him when he is crying. It will come, just give it time, and for goodness sake don't moan to your son. If it continues for a few months, then ask another family member to mention, (not moan!) that you would like to have a bit more involvement. Don't criticise your dil, it will get back to her and could cause more trouble.

Hope this helps

Xx

[diane63 in reply to bluebell99]

Thank u so much... I don't get to feed him or puck him up either, it's more annoying as she used to fight with her mum and stay with us because of it... I text her everyday.. Just a hello hope ur ok and baby slept for u... I only been round about 6 times, as trying to take step back, but my son keeps saying why u not coming round more x

[charlotte88]

6 times in 6 weeks is a decent amount, and maybe this is building her family up again her relationship with her mum. U sound like your going to make a fantastic grandma, and in time she will bite your hand off for your help, I've just taken my children to their grandmas now because I had my op last week so using this time to rest, I hate them going tho, because I miss them a lot, and earlier she gave my daughter a bottle at 3.. Which I've stopped her having. But I bit my tongue and just let her look after her how she wants too, it's hard but it's come in time xx

[diane63 in reply to charlotte88]

U saying u bit ur tongue lol , I remember when my 3 kids were small it's a wonder I still have all my tongue lol... I know this sound so much, and prob bit silly, but.. When my grandson was 3 days old we were invited out.. I had a small cuddle handed him to his grandad and my then my son brother and sister, the we put him in his wee basket cause we thought maybe his wee back would be sore... Then couple of weeks later she got my son to call us. But she wanted to sit in on the convo and we got accused of passing him round all of us.. For god sake we were all just so happy to welcome the baby, she then got my son to say... Why they not been out visiting us many times before baby was born.. They only moved in two weeks before and we helped we brought his sister, brother out, we visited at least 3 other times to.. Then she also told him to say she was not happy cause seemingly my husband had said, when we first visited baby,, oh I got a excuse to have a go on my motorbike to have somewhere to visit on it,, what he was saying, least he can pop out more as we share our car... Just feel we can't do right for doing wrong.. We love kids, always had and still do baby sit other kids... So this is why I am so upset xx

[charlotte88]

Oh no, I just wrote a huge reply and pressed back my mistake!! X

[jillylin]

Hi,

I am grandma of 7, plus two adopted grandchildren myself and I can understand how upset you must be feeling . That said, I would say there are loads of pregnancy hormones still swirling around the baby's mum right now. And also she may feel anxious about being seen to look after the baby the "correct' way. With the best will in the world, we grandparents are experienced mothers and the new mum probably feels she has to get her baby care just right in case the grandparents are critical of her parenting skills. I am sure you are not critical at all but she might well be feeling super sensitive and it will colour her thinking. This also might make her feel safer with her own mum and more defensive to you, her mum in law. Try not to take it as a reflection on you, I am sure it isn't as personal as it may feel.

I know this is hard on you so sending you gentle hugs

Jillyxx

[diane63 in reply to jillylin]

Jolly I hope ur right.... I have always got on with her,, she used to talk about when baby was born, I bought all the nursery stuff ( which I struggled) but never once complain.. She came with me to get baby car seat, baby bath, play mat ect, so I feel what done wrong, I have had to come off social network as seeing her family with him in pictures, cuddling him, bathing him. All the things we not allowed... My son keeps saying sorry to yes as he says we were the best parents in the world but when tries to speak to her, she just says... I am refusing to give them him... We are heartbroken xx

[diane63 in reply to diane63]

Oops jilly

[jillylin in reply to diane63]

Gentle hugs Diane. I know it hurts but hopefully things will settle down and you'll get all the cuddles your heart desires.

Hugs

Jillyxx

[diane63]

Can I just say a great big thank u to everyone who kindly replied to me, I have had lots of your advice and I feel a lot better knowing things might improve.. Thanks for taken the time.... Gentle hugs and hope 2014 is a better year to all xxx

[jillylin in reply to diane63]

Just had the oddest thought while battling my hair, and it's probably a very silly thought but here goes……Knowing how ignorant most people are about Fibromyalgia, is it possible baby's mum thinks baby could catch Fibro if left with you? We know that isn't possible but those without too much knowledge on Fibro might just worry it is possible?

Gentle hugs

Jillxx

[diane63 in reply to jillylin]

Oh u never no with her lol she 19. My son 27. She can be immature.. But at stage Jill , I always befriended her, she seemed to like me before baby came, so I don't no now how to react in front of her, kinda feel I can't be myself anymore x

[unio06]

I can't give advice as I haven't been in your position

I suffered from postnatal depression and I did feel like I was being judged buy my partner and his family as my partner helped bring his sister up who is 14 or 15 years older than her so had experience with babies on a regular basis. Hi dad always nicked our oldest on the way home from work for the weekend and my other half would say is she sleeping and I said no your dad came and got her.

My mum was not maternal so if I really needed someone to have the children when his dad was very ill i would ask friends rather than my mum and even when my partners dad then a few years later his mum passed away I still never asked her to have the children.

I wish they were still hear as they were great grandparents yo our children like mine ( my mums parents)

I hope all works out as I know how important it is to have grandparents involved with their grandchildren as even though my mum is still around she hasn't been their for her grandchildren and that upset me even now and my twoare 16 & 15

good luck xx

[diane63 in reply to unio06]

Thanks for this.... The thing is I have had friends kids say to there parents and to me and hubby,,, I would leave my kids with u, I would love u to to my kids grandparents.. So just don't get her x

[ellablade]

Hate to say it but this seems to happen to most paternal grandparents. I got asked if we could look after our grandchild as there was nobody else !!!! We used to look after her at least once a week but this has trickled down to nothing. I don't think we've done anything wrong and it really really hurts. But I've spoken to loads of paternal grandparents and it happens time and time again. Don't know why tho I have no help to give !!!!

[diane63 in reply to ellablade]

It should not be the case. Those woman have got to realise , they wouldn't have there kids if the dad was not part of creating them.... My son does not no what to do, he keeps saying I am so sorry I want u and dad involved so much, but she just keeps saying no, with no reason... X

[Ginsing]

Oh dear it would seem it happens to us all, yes it does hurt. It is always such a lift to the spirits when we are allowed to have them come over to play or stay.

I strongly believe we should try not to worry too much they know we are there but the new pace of modern life seems to have changed in so many little ways. We have to learn to smile and agree it is some times very difficult.

How wonderful though when they do come and play away with us ! One smile of joy from my grandchildren is enough to make me happy through and through. Our children do know we are there and will use us in the nicest way when possible, From one Granny to all the others dont you just love having them over and you know they will go home at the end of the day replete with stories, battling giants and of s crummy food!

xxgins

[diane63 in reply to Ginsing]

This is why we are heartbroken, all our dreams of cuddles and making them happy, has been taken away, I actually feel as if we are grieving xx