im in it.........

[gerry1]

hi I ve been in this depression for such a long time now i dont think it will ever shift. It all began with my son who is now in prison for stealing cars, he left home over a year ago on his eighteenth birthday because he wanted to take the drugs instead of going to work and collage and driving lessons as he was,...

As time went by my pain lasted so long and the depression reared its ugly head after he came back home on bail and then tried to commit suiside and was dead for 12 mins...the week after he gout out of the psychiatry hospital he stole a car and got put back into prison....three weeks afer that last monday his best friend stole a motor bike and killed himself on it when he hit a tree and a wall, !7 yrs old he was....its the 6 youngster that has gone in the past 24 months and it has hit me like a bullet. In fact i in an ungreatful way i wish that the bullet hit me. I should be grateful that my so was in prison because i know, we all know that sam would have been on the back of that bike for a fact, but im not because i know that Sam still has the battle of drugs and addiction when he comes out...i have become so ill with this that i can not be there for my younger children and my partner who is ill as ive said before.

we keep bouncing off of each other, he gets down, i get down and i get down and he gets dowm, we have been together along time 14yrs and its never been as bad a this. i feel, useless, ifeel, dark, hopeless, unlovable, unproductive,undeserving, dark, unentheusiastc, black ungrateful, begging god always to show me the way, sho me what to do, show me where to go, give me the get up and go, give me some ambition, direction and dont feel as though its

coming,,,,,,, I KNOW my little girl loves me and my 10yr old son loves me and my partner loves me. For 14yrs I have brought up my 3 step children and one still lives here, but theres no connection from him to me, i love them all dearly, and the 14yr old daughter doesnt want to come here any more, where her connection with her dad has gone, there is nothing left here for her and we have always been close........ and the eldest boy started going back to his mother a person who never really wanted them when they were growing up.

mostley i think that i have given my eldest to a murderer, drugs and his long journey is just begining. I think i am mourning my live son,,,...im mourning all my children that have gone and really don know how to let go, I really really dont. Im so lonely and forever yearning the old days of when they were all little.

Or is it the control i feel ive lost....All 6 babies are gone i feel, because of the fibro and ,my partners illness i cant even give to my little ones what i gave to the big ones.......show me what to do lord.

PLease

Gerry

[Ang01]

Aw Gerry, this is so sad and it must be really really difficult for you. You dont say whether or not you are taking any medication for your depression but if not I think it would be a good idea to speak to your GP as soon as possible so that he/she can give you the benefit of their advice if you need medication. If you are already on medication maybe you need it increased while you are going through this tough time.

Once children get to be teenagers they think they can take on the world and do their own thing but hopefully they will realise that you love them very much and will come back to you. Hopefully your oldest son is getting the help he needs where he is at the moment.

It is hard to lose control but when your children grow up they need their own space and they need to make their own choices, all you can do really is be there for them and guide them in the right way when you have contact with them.

You dont say either whether you have spoken to anyone about these things that are happening, maybe there is somewhere you could go to get this kind of help and again your GP may be able to refer you.

I wish there was some way I could help you Gerry but you can always contact me via this site if you need someone to talk to. Take care and keep your chin up, love Angela xx

[gerry1 in reply to Ang01]

thank you so much, yes im on an=tidepressants and i know ive got to let go of the kids but nobody told me i would have to go through a grieving process.....thats what im doing grieving my eldest son. what will i be like if ianthing does happen.

god bless

gerry

[Ang01 in reply to gerry1]

I think they call it "empty nest syndrome" Gerry when your kids leave home and you miss them so much. Can understand what you mean when you say you are going through a grieving process. You are taking antidepressants which is good as they should help to lift your mood. Perhaps it would help to see if you can get counselling via your GP or someone else he/she can recommend. There must be lots of people who go through the same feelings as you are going through.

Lets hope your eldest son will realise what he is putting you through and want to get help to help him change his ways. Have you spoken to your children about the way you feel, maybe if they knew they would be able to do small things to help you through this time, even maybe a regular text or email or something to show they care and are still part of you and your family.

Just thinking of some organisations like the Samaritans or Cruse or someone like that, even if they can't help the may be able to recommend something for you.

Take care and keep talking to us. love from Angela xx

[gerry1 in reply to Ang01]

thanks Ang, yes i think that must be what it is, i had another really bad day today and my partner is so exausted with it all we have been talking of splitting.......does it never end.

thank you again

love

gerry

[poppy-03]

Gerry You are having a very hard time The one thing thats strikes me is as you say you bounce off each other so you're all in a negative circle. May I suggest that you see your GP and ask for a referal to a family counciling unit, I really feel that the service will be able to work with you all and help you with coping mechanisms, also, your GP may suggest antidepressants for you or cognative therepy and can access services that will help you all.

I really feel for you as my middle son went off the rails and I had to step back from him, he hit rock bottom nearly lost everything but because i refused to let him put all his problems on my shoulders or bail him out he had to make the descition to sort himself out or not its been hard but at the end of the day you can oly do so much there comes a time when our children as adults have to suffer the concequences of their actions by themselves. As your finding the rest of your family are suffering .

With love and hugs poppy xx

[gerry1 in reply to poppy-03]

thank you for that. i appreciate your thoughts i am on ntidepressants and when we went to family therapy before they said we wereokay as a family and didnt needit, but tha was at the begining of our illnesses

bless you

gerry

[Sa_1967]

Hi gerry1,

I too had issues with my kids - they came and went between me and their father. Their father although being a policman seems to be the soft target. I too had a lot of problems with my youngest son - he had a few brushes with the law and because I wouldn't support him (turn a blind eye) he left and went back to his father after I hit rock bottom and had a complete mental break down. Our bodies including our brains can only take so much pressure before they shut down so as to protect us from any further hurt etc. You most certainly need to see yr GP for either a referral for further assistance by a Psych team, help group or some medication that may assist you. Sometimes even just talking about it can help so that you're not bottleing it all up inside you and alot of the times it helps if it's not someone who know's you well or will pre-judge or jump in with their own thoughts. You also need to stop blaming yourself - we all have to let our children make their own mistakes in life, that's how they learn. You can only try and guide them, but if they decide to take the wrong route and stray of the path and do things that they shouldn't, then they have to learn by these mistakes (all part of growing up) and accepting that they make they own choices, actions etc and then they have to deal with the consequences for these actions. Stop beating yourself up for everything that's going on - you need to get some help. You also state yr partner isn't well - are they getting the support they need health wise?. Could you ask Social Services for a carer to come in and take over some care to give you / your partner a bit of a break?. I do hope you get this sorted asap Gerry, it's so hard when you feel everything around you is falling apart. I found talking to my CPN (Community Pschiatric Nurse) really helped at the time of my break downs - but you'll need to talk to your GP for a referral. One thing I will say is though - be honest with your GP when they ask you how you are i.e. not sleeping, not eating, no appetite etc and yes, they will ask if you have thought about ending yr life. They need you to answer honestly so that they can assess at what stage you are with your mental health and how quickly they need to assist you.

And don't forget that we are all here for you - a shoulder to cry and ear to listen etc. You are never alone

Sending you positive thoughts and gentle ((huggles)),

Sarah

[lizzylomas]

Hello Gerry, I hope you feel a little bit better today. I picked up on your comments about greiving. My daughter attempted suicide and had to be shocked back to life etc I greived for her for years. I greived alone because everyone else could only see that she was alive, its a very difficult thing for others to understand what you are feeling as the mother.You have so much going on in your life its no wonder you are depressed love, I can only repeat what the others have said about asking for more help and being honest about your feelings when they ask you. Try to remember the writing about footsteps in the sand...... you know the one? Its a prayer asking why God wasnt there for you when things were at their worst and you needed Him most because only 1 set of footprints could be seen in the sand. It ends by saying they were His footprints because he was carrying you only you didnt know it. Take strength from your own faith, whatever it is. Sending you warmth and a smile to cheer you.x

[gerry1]

thank you so much, today i am feeling a bit better, but after a long gruelling week....but the grieving, i so want to speak to someone about it, i am grieving and have felt it for the past year when my son left home before he got into the thick f thing, but yes thats how i feel as though something insde has died and its the loss of my children, even though they havnt....your the only one who understands what i mean and you really have brought me to tears of relief.....someone knows what i mean....im not mad after all Thank you, i feel selfish because i have the small two that are left.

Anywhay i am going for now and will soeak again tomorrow. god bless and yes I do know the footprints. xxxxx

Thank you thank you thank you

xxxx