feeling useless and hurt

[angib53]

Hi to everyone big hugs

My dad is now bedbound and has a carer of a morning and mum had a fall and broke her back , recently , my sister is living there and needs a break . i do get over to see them but i cant give my sister a break over night or all day im dragging myself around as it is

Has anyone been in a similar position ?

Mum doesnt want any more careres , i feel pressure and its also upsetting seeing my parents at 82

needing the care , i wish i could do more but i just cant x

[Yassytina FMA UK Volunteer]

Hello, putting you in an impossible situation as living with conditions/fibro is hard enough and you are doing your best right now, I have been in a similar position and it’s very hard, it proberly needs someone in your family too say too mum you do need extra help right now especially with her breaking her neck as if your sister was too get ill or you going into a flare things would be very difficult, I know it’s there home and I really get it , but as much as we love our parents it can always fall back on one or two members , of a family who pick up everything xx

[angib53 in reply to Yassytina]

Hi yassytina thank you so much for your reply its good to talk with someone who understands, i know its not just me now xx tc xx

[Yassytina FMA UK Volunteer in reply to angib53]

We need too chat don’t we xx

[Cotswolds25121]

hi, it truly is a devastating place to be. An awful situation but it is no fault of your own even though you will be blaming yourself it really is not in your control🤗I went through a similar situation not long ago for fifteen years and sadly I lost my dear Mum at 94 in January. I did all I could but still I feel guilty about the days that I couldn’t go to Mum and spend precious time with her because of fibromyalgia😢please know that this awful debilitating condition robs us of so many things and it’s something that nobody would want to have and go through, all I’m trying to say is try not to be hard on yourself, easy to say and harder to do I know. But we all on here understand your pain. Take care ❤️💐

[angib53]

Hi Cotswolds ty for your reply , it means alot 😘👍. i have been pushing myself and my body is paying for it now . so i have to look after myself .Frustrating but i have to except i cant help like i use to .i hope your body is behaving for you today 😘 sending hug x

[Debsdelight72 in reply to angib53]

Dont doubt yourself or feel guilty, We all know how this blooming fibro effects us all. I made the mistake of not saying no to looking after my mother 95 years old and a streak of pure hatred for me (dementia)? I asked one of my children to see her and take the children if only for an hour! She called me that evening saying they all had a really nice afternoon and she couldnt see what the fuss was all about,To cut a lengthy story short (may go into more depth another time) That was the last time my children have been to see me,or rang me

My older brothers and younger sister havnt contacted me either and changed numbers. There was a lack of love for me anyway since I had to say "sorry I cant make it."

Mother has passed now and not one of them called to say She'd been cremated, If you have a more understanding family they would give you a break, Please look after yourself,

Take care

[Blaaland in reply to Debsdelight72]

hi there, my mum passed at 62yrs, no dementia. But I recognise the ‘pure hatred for me’ you described. I was diagnosed with fibro last year at 46 after a decade of struggling to keep going (fatigue, brain fog ) and finally the pain set in….. I think my issues with my mother (verbally, emotionally abusive to my Dad when we were kids and resentment and disapproval in the ‘better’ days) were a big factor in my own ill health. I only had to look back to see where it came from.

Thankfully her illness was brief so I was able to look after her ( siblings also emotionally affected and kept away) . Other relatives saw a different side to my mother who was indeed a very kind and loving person outside the home.

What I’m saying is, I understand how others can ‘easily’ look after your mother. The issue is NOT in your head. Your parent CAN be hateful towards you in your own private relationship with them and make looking after them extremely damaging to your own health. They can then be perfectly normal and even charming to others.

In my case, I feel my fibro is, at least partly due to mum’s negative caregiving style and emotional abuse. My mother would have guilted the life out me for having this if she was still alive. She would have been in denial and disgusted with me for not being able to hold a job. I had major depressive disorder (hospitalised) at 19 and heard her tell my Dad that I’d ‘never work a day’ if I got disability. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, desperate to get away from her, and I worked from the next year (1996)until 2021.

Don’t let others who do not/will not see how your mother treats you make you feel bad.

You have to mind yourself x

I’m sorry if my own issues are out of proportion to what you’re experiencing. I just recognised the ‘hate’ you mentioned. It could indeed be a personality change caused by dementia. I hope it’s not been an ongoing issue and I’m sorry for it’s how it’s affecting you now x

[angib53 in reply to Blaaland]

Hi Blaaland ty for your reply x

Oh you went through terrible times. good on you to pull yourself away .

ive resigned myself now , if i cant do i cant , x

ty all for listening , huge hugs xx🥰💕

[angib53]

Hi debs ty for your message , i feel better talking, usually it all builds up then i flare !

im sorry what u went through , 🥰 you would think family would understand, there is one thing it makes you a bit tougher towards everything .

iam sending over huge hugs 😍💕❣️

[Debsdelight72 in reply to angib53]

Thanks for the huge hugs, backatchya