I feel the only time I come on this post so to reach out for help with the only people I know who understand my disease. Sorry about that.
This is the latest in my story.
I have fibro so I hurt from head to toe. I try to live my life to the full but it gets hard. I make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time.
I try to express pain with words rather than act out on them. For a very long I turned into a complete vegetable at the week ends because I couldn't deal with my pain. Sought help but
At first glance my husband seems to be supportive. He read the documentation but never asked me question. He let me rest but never paid attention to what was happening to me. He cooked and helped around the house but I think he resented me for it. It must have been though, his life changed too. He never really talked to me about it.
I stopped being able to look after myself as well as I used to. It hurt to brush my hair, I never blow dry them anymore. Getting up isn't easy. keeping in a full time work isn't easy, especially now my job is more "physically" demanding. I have to travel to clients a lot. My social life is slowly shrinking. Can't go to people birthday's because I am shacking like a leaf, or I can't see. I must admit, I avoid social situation where I know toddlers will be thrown at me because I am of child bearing age and it seems most parents love to leave me alone to look after their kids so we get to bond... and I don't have the energy most of the time.
Inside I am the same person, love to dance, socialise, volunteer outside I look like a couch potato. I love children too! I wish I could be a good aunt, I wish I could be a good mother but I can't. I think this took a toll on our relationship. He never speaks to me about it.
Ironically, my husband being a senior communication officer is really bad at communicate how he feels or try to find out what is happening to me. I don't think he really wants to grow up. I think deep down he blames me for not being stronger. he didn't sign up for a woman who struggles with daily life. After all, from his point of you what is wrong with me? Why can't I put him first, look after him, be present but not too present and then maybe I can look after my pain and fatigue second.... (you guys know why). I am sure it's not easy for him but try living in my shoes. It's not like I forced myself upon him.
When I first started dating my husband, we watched football together and I develop a bit of a passion for it. Loved supporting my local club. The down side, I started noticing in the past couple of years that going in the winter caused a great deal of pain. I would go home and go in shock. Shaking. It wasn't pleasant feeling. My husband was so self absorb he never really paid attention to it. Twitter was more interesting than making me confortable, and I know I could look after myself if I take my time over it. So I reduced the amount of exposure I had to the cold. I would listen to football on the radio instead. Eventually, my husband started going back to football without me. Last year, he got himself a half season ticket and he got it near to somewhere I could sit and stay warm if I needed some warmth. I didn't make many games. It is still hard work but with the help of my physio I tried to work myself up to going back more regularly. He stopped sitting with me. He had his friends and I couldn't meet them. Turns out, there is this girl he met and he loves her. He "loves" me too but she is the best thing since slice bread apparently. She is funny, she is energetic, she likes football. I am sure she is very pretty, never met her. Recipe for a good girlfriend. But she is just a "friend" and I shouldn't try to get Now he bought a season ticket, nowhere near anywhere I could accompany him. When I approach the subject I would quite like to go to football on my birthday week end, he got really annoyed. Didn't say why. So I spent the day alone, he stayed at his friends for the night because it was a boys night and I wasn't allowed (on my birthday week end). I mentioned again I wanted to go to football, he got mad. Apparently Football is his thing and I am not allowed to like football anymore. I spent a few years looking after myself surely I am only trying to butt into his thing. (I thought marriage was about doing things together and sharing our experiences)
Found out last night he is going to see this girl when I am away on business trip. He left his wallet at her house. Apparently it is innocent. She is an innocent person who just chats with married man. Tell them she misses them when they are on their anniversary.
I went mad then felt guilty about being mad. I feel guilty about taking interest in his life. I feel guilty for not being a stronger woman. I feel guilty for being hurt. I don't know what I did wrong. I still love him so much.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. He left and he isn't talking to me anymore. He doesn't want to seek help, he just want to have a life without me, without responsibility. My guess he sees counselling as a failure but he failed so badly at being in a relationship. He said to me that when we got together it was convenient for him, I was at the right place at the right time. (Warning to her, I suspect he will say the same in 7 years time)
I never asked to be in a relationship with him. I never asked for him to be married to me. I never asked to be sick but know I am going through this. I am not strong enough. I dont know what to do...