Relationship matters

I feel the only time I come on this post so to reach out for help with the only people I know who understand my disease. Sorry about that.

This is the latest in my story.

I have fibro so I hurt from head to toe. I try to live my life to the full but it gets hard. I make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time.

I try to express pain with words rather than act out on them. For a very long I turned into a complete vegetable at the week ends because I couldn't deal with my pain. Sought help but

At first glance my husband seems to be supportive. He read the documentation but never asked me question. He let me rest but never paid attention to what was happening to me. He cooked and helped around the house but I think he resented me for it. It must have been though, his life changed too. He never really talked to me about it.

I stopped being able to look after myself as well as I used to. It hurt to brush my hair, I never blow dry them anymore. Getting up isn't easy. keeping in a full time work isn't easy, especially now my job is more "physically" demanding. I have to travel to clients a lot. My social life is slowly shrinking. Can't go to people birthday's because I am shacking like a leaf, or I can't see. I must admit, I avoid social situation where I know toddlers will be thrown at me because I am of child bearing age and it seems most parents love to leave me alone to look after their kids so we get to bond... and I don't have the energy most of the time.

Inside I am the same person, love to dance, socialise, volunteer outside I look like a couch potato. I love children too! I wish I could be a good aunt, I wish I could be a good mother but I can't. I think this took a toll on our relationship. He never speaks to me about it.

Ironically, my husband being a senior communication officer is really bad at communicate how he feels or try to find out what is happening to me. I don't think he really wants to grow up. I think deep down he blames me for not being stronger. he didn't sign up for a woman who struggles with daily life. After all, from his point of you what is wrong with me? Why can't I put him first, look after him, be present but not too present and then maybe I can look after my pain and fatigue second.... (you guys know why). I am sure it's not easy for him but try living in my shoes. It's not like I forced myself upon him.

When I first started dating my husband, we watched football together and I develop a bit of a passion for it. Loved supporting my local club. The down side, I started noticing in the past couple of years that going in the winter caused a great deal of pain. I would go home and go in shock. Shaking. It wasn't pleasant feeling. My husband was so self absorb he never really paid attention to it. Twitter was more interesting than making me confortable, and I know I could look after myself if I take my time over it. So I reduced the amount of exposure I had to the cold. I would listen to football on the radio instead. Eventually, my husband started going back to football without me. Last year, he got himself a half season ticket and he got it near to somewhere I could sit and stay warm if I needed some warmth. I didn't make many games. It is still hard work but with the help of my physio I tried to work myself up to going back more regularly. He stopped sitting with me. He had his friends and I couldn't meet them. Turns out, there is this girl he met and he loves her. He "loves" me too but she is the best thing since slice bread apparently. She is funny, she is energetic, she likes football. I am sure she is very pretty, never met her. Recipe for a good girlfriend. But she is just a "friend" and I shouldn't try to get Now he bought a season ticket, nowhere near anywhere I could accompany him. When I approach the subject I would quite like to go to football on my birthday week end, he got really annoyed. Didn't say why. So I spent the day alone, he stayed at his friends for the night because it was a boys night and I wasn't allowed (on my birthday week end). I mentioned again I wanted to go to football, he got mad. Apparently Football is his thing and I am not allowed to like football anymore. I spent a few years looking after myself surely I am only trying to butt into his thing. (I thought marriage was about doing things together and sharing our experiences)

Found out last night he is going to see this girl when I am away on business trip. He left his wallet at her house. Apparently it is innocent. She is an innocent person who just chats with married man. Tell them she misses them when they are on their anniversary.

I went mad then felt guilty about being mad. I feel guilty about taking interest in his life. I feel guilty for not being a stronger woman. I feel guilty for being hurt. I don't know what I did wrong. I still love him so much.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. He left and he isn't talking to me anymore. He doesn't want to seek help, he just want to have a life without me, without responsibility. My guess he sees counselling as a failure but he failed so badly at being in a relationship. He said to me that when we got together it was convenient for him, I was at the right place at the right time. (Warning to her, I suspect he will say the same in 7 years time)

I never asked to be in a relationship with him. I never asked for him to be married to me. I never asked to be sick but know I am going through this. I am not strong enough. I dont know what to do...

8 Replies

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  • There are plenty of things you can do to ease your pain You got to be strong honey It's hard I know We are all here for you ask what I do I may be able to help X

  • Thanks. What do you do?

  • I'm lucky I got a hot tub so I go in there every other day I use double base cream from my doctor ads coolant and to relax mussials Take you medication at the same time every day mine is Pregabalin Get your self some mild sleeping pills but they are adictive but you must get sleep with fibro Go to your local pool do some gentle swimming Apart from what the doctors say don't do too much hard work which will stretch you body Baby steps is the best Take fish oil in large amounts it's helps take vitamin e and b that helps me Take time to sit down meditate and take you mind to nice places. make a dirary of how you doing are positive help your self no point in winging to your hubby Hope this helps you honey xxx

  • Hay Feather

    So sorry to read your post, must be so upsetting for you, and hard to sit down and type such heartache, but also good to know you are never judged on this site. I think Erny makes some good suggestions, I try to take my meds the same time each day, or if not, keep the time gap the same.

    I checked with my GP about "Nytol", which is a sedating antihistamine, and he checked and no problem with my mix of meds. Don't take every night, and not on nights when you keep telling yourself to sleep, the mind set is wrong then for any sleep. They come in two strengths, 25mg and 50mg, start with the 25mg, you can always take two if one is not enough.

    Professor Daniel Clauw's at the University of Michigan Chronic Pain and Fatigue Department says don't think of doing exercise, when you are in pain, being encouraged to exercise is the last thing you want to hear.

    But doing activities which give you satisfaction or a sense of achievement can be really beneficial. So swimming/water walking is not exercise, but something you can benefit from, and that bit further each time, gives you that feeling of achievement. Also try alternative treatments, I find acupuncture is really helpful, and try for one session a month.

    Sounds like you are getting the cold shoulder treatment, are you still doing all the things you can for him ? Start not doing one or two things, don't say anything, but for example, just not iron enough shirts so he doesn't always have a clean one when needed. He needs to realise he can't gave his cake and eat it.

    If he expects you to go on as normal, show him that normal is not what he is doing. This is such a heart rendering point you have got to, reading between the lines, I understand what you are worrying about Your situation. You need to talk to someone, maybe not a professional, perhaps a really close friend, and try to see them regularly. Discuss with your GP, as there are lots of different support groups out there.

    I really am sorry you have come to this, think you are really brave to have felt this a place to share your problems. I can't be a good girlfriend, being a man rules that role out for me, but I can still be a friend and offer support.

    Please PM me if you want to, maybe to talk a bit more openly but privately. I am not a professional or had special training, but have been through the mill myself in different ways, so can listen and share. I have been made so welcome on this site, been able to help in little ways, just knowing you have done something good for even one person, makes the time worth something.

    Take care, love Hayesider xx

  • Erny's advice is practical and could be indeed very useful. We humans are complex and matters of the body are actually a little bit easier to sort out, hence the title of your post being Relationship Matters. It is important for everyone, but especially if you are in a vulnerable situation, coping with your physical condition, that you surround yourself with kind, generous people. Rich out to your community and let them reach out to you when you have the energy for it. Phone calls to good listeners do help get the energy to carry out plans like Erny's. Where possible, meet up with people you like, even if this means that they have topple coming near you (to a neutral place if it puts less stress on you) to make it easier for you. You can carry on following football. May be others want to go with you? This would surely have to make hubby snap at the opportunity to join you and others - especially if others friends of yours as well as (and not only) his friends. Will think of other stuff but I'm sure even just to contemplate ideas will help you think of alternatives you would much rather opt for. Sending a virtual hug and positive energy in the kindest way

  • Hi Feather

    I have read your post with so much pain and sorrow for what you are having to endure, both physically and emotionally. I cannot truly imagine what you are feeling right now but I want to genuinely and sincerely wish you all the best of luck.

    It may help to discuss how you are feeling with your doctor? They may be able to help you in some way either through tweaking your medications and / or going to counselling for yourself?

    If you need a physical person to talk too you could ring the Samaritans and let it all out when you feel the need. I have pasted their telephone number below:

    The Samaritans UK - Telephone: 116 123 (UK)

    Or you could come on the forum like you have just done so and let it out here? Please take care of yourself.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken

  • Thank you all. I think I will have to go and speak to my gp about my situation.

  • Hi,

    My husband decided to leave because and I quote he doesn't love me anymore.

    So I am alone. He never gave us a chance. GP is booked for tomorrow where I can talk about my situation. After 1 week of telling me, "I love you but I have stuff I am going through at the moment" to "I don't love you and I want you out of my life. You will need to buy me out of the property. Bye...." So now, I have fibro, I am fighting with every bone in my body to stay in full time work and I will be kicked out of my home.

    Look out for a lot of very depressed posts from me.

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