Limitations not realised by others !

So my partner an obsessive woodturner invited one of the best woodturners in the world to stay with us from Thursday night until Sunday morning. You couldn't have met a nicer man and very appreciative of all I did for him.

However I feel that after many years of being with my partner and me having fibromyalgia all of that time he would know that what he asked me to do was too much for me, but no.

I did plan ahead as much as possible by getting the bedroom ready at least two weeks in advance but it was the cooking and time spent on my feet that has put me to bed today.

Thursday was can you do us both a meal when we get in which I feel is fair enough. Friday can we have a barbecue and I've asked 6 others but he didn't tell me till late afternoon! I had no help as they were woodturning in the shed only breaking for lunch which I had prepared!

Saturday night I was hoping that we would go out for a meal but because 2 of his friends could not afford it I was the one who had to entertain and cook for six again !

I really feel undervalued and used. So now I'm the one in bed today because I couldn't sleep for the pain. My mother and father are the only ones who truly understand my limitations!

13 Replies

  • I am so sorry. People don't get what seems like not a big deal to them is big and tiring to others.

  • Oh golly Sallyannemay,

    I can completely understand why you are feeling as you do and am very sorry that events have made you flare and I think a good rest in bed is a very good idea.

    Sometimes people when they are excited, as your husband must have been having such illustrious company, their normal understanding of ones condition seems to fly out of the window and suddenly you are "superwoman" who can produce and do everything at the drop of a hat. I think perhaps you need to have a conversation with your hubby about what has gone on and how it has impacted on you. Maybe even show him this post as you have eloquently told us how it has been for you.

    You have the understanding of your parents which is great, and the understanding of people here, but I know you very much need the same from your husband, but unless you tell him, he may just go on thinking what happened was ok, as you did it. As I said, maybe showing him this post would be a start.

    I'm sending a huge amount of positive healing vibes, and you rest and recuperate for as long as you need to !!

    Gentle hugs 😀😀

    Foggy x

  • Thank you Foggy x you have a point

  • You are welcome, I hope it just may help 😀

    Foggy x

  • Foggy, you are such a wise owl, my first reaction was 'what a selfish and inconsiderate bleep' haha

    Guess that is why I am single - that and because I felt so guilty about lumbering my partner with this Fibro that I pushed him away lol xx

    Sallyannemay please take heed of Foggy's wonderful and wise advice or you may make yourself very unhappy and lonely xx

  • Hi

    I know how you feel. My husband is sometimes very understanding but does sometimes forget how much pain i am in. A normal day in our house literally flattens me, and there is very little time to rest. I hope your husband can now look after you during this flare up and let you rest.


  • I felt tired out just reading about what you had to do. I think that you actually managed brilliantly with with a bit of forthought your OH could have made life much easier for you, I think as Foggy said he got over excited by having his idol visit and never thought of the consequences on your health all this extra work would have.

    When you feel a bit more up to it I think a quiet word in his shell like is in order so he does not make the same mistake again. If you know any impending visits are coming in the future I think you need to lay down some ground rules e,g, I am happy to provide bed and a meal on the first night but then could we either go out to dinner or you help me prepare things before disappearing into the shed!

    I do think people who do not have fibro try as they might have no conception of how this illness can affect us. We are trying to move into our new bungalow at the moment and are having to have work done and also keep this house with its large garden in good condition as we will soon hopefully have potential buyers around. We are also having to make alot of decisions on things to buy which everyone with fibro knows can be difficult with fibro fog. I had to have a little dig at my OH a few times lately as I think he thinks everything is done by mirrors and that I can put in a full day and still make some sort of rational decision about what type of shower would fit in to the tiny bathroom after a long day at the coal face.

    Lately instead of trying to cover how I feel up I have started to let him know when I am at the end of my tether brain and body wise and I think it is coming as a bit of a shock to the system but now when I say I have had enough and need to go home or can't do this at the moment as I am just in too much pain he is starting to take notice. I am so glad you have the understanding of your parents as that counts for a lot. You will always have our understanding as we know exactly how it is.

    Take care of yourself and rest up and hopefully you will soon be feeling more restored.x

  • Thank you rosewine xx

  • I am so genuinely sorry to read that, and i would definitely explain to your husband that it is too much for you and if he wants to do it again then he should plan the festivities and prepare food in advance for his guests as it is not fair on you.

    In all honesty, he probably never even thought about it, his mind was more than likely on who was coming and what they would be doing but it does not make it fair on you.

    All my hopes and dreams for you


  • I am sorry but this man sounds rather selfish.. I would tell him your in PAIN and cannot pander to his friends and him and if he wants people round he can do the cooking.. self esteem is something you need to work on I have managed it after years and years and one divorce but no more.. I am too old now to live my life under others limitations.. so bless you gentle hugs and remember to respect and care for yourselves because if you don't others won't xx

  • Thank you Pat.

    He is selfish! And always has been!

    My problem is that I am as soft as putty and need to grow harder!

    My husband can be adorable sometimes but a right b------ the rest of the time.

    I don't know where I find them! I know that the stress involved makes my fybromyagia much worse. My daughter keeps telling me.

    The problem is I love him and it's not always easy to solve.

    I do agree with what you are saying xxxxx

  • Oh sallyanne, reading what you have just written has focused my opinion even more that he does definitely need a wake up call, and the fact that you love him makes this so much harder for you to do. Selfish men are the very worst and the more you give the more they take and take and take........until every bit of strength is drained out of you whose levels of strength are already very much depleted by having fibro. Please, please, pass this post of yours in front of him and insist that he reads it. Rosewine and Pat9's and Ken's responses are all very insightful. Doing it this way it is not coming out of you as such and he can see that it isn't just "your take" on the situation. All of us have had fibro long enough to know how badly it effects our lifestyle and our ability to cope with things, so many of us have had to give up work because of it.......was that out of choice......certainly not I would think in 99.9% of us. We do not choose to feel the way we do and the one person YOU need to understand your limitations is your husband. I am sure he is very lovely in many ways, that is why you love him, but you have to put a stop to his selfishness before it takes an even bigger toll on your life.

    You've got it absolutely right when you say the stress make it much worse, I can attest to that 100% as it was the stress of working for someone who wouldn't even try to understand my fibro that drove me into the ground and ended up with him losing me and the 13 years of knowledge of running his shares portfolio, his estate in Scotland and multiple other things I did. He didn't know what had hit him when I did leave and he has never been able to replace me because no one else would put up with the rubbish which I did from him. Like with your situation now, i had to summon up one heck of a lot of courage to resign, but I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made.

    Please Sallyanne, don't take this as me being bossy, I am saying what I do out of concern for you and I'm sure deep down your husband doesn't want to hurt you..........

    Lots more positive, healing and strengthening vibes coming to you 👍🏻

    Foggy x

  • All true Foggy xxx I'll try to sum up the courage xxx

You may also like...