I apologise if this sounds pitiful but i am feeling so low at the moment my partner of 3 and a half years dumped me back in july we had moved into a bungalow with my daughter and her fiancé and he changed and went from being the gentle man that always held my hand or gave me cuddles etc. stopped doing this little things he was more interested i his new group of friend from his school days when he was 7 who had created a group on Facebook. I had no problem with him going on Facebook but it came to he would come home from work i would give him his dinner and then he was straight on Facebook and was gradually pushing me away so i started to build up a wall to stop myself from being hurt as he has bolted a couple of times when something comes along he can't deal with he goes. I found out i had to have hand surgery the same day he dumped me. The problem is i deleted him from Facebook from my phone etc. But i still love him and it is so hard i am now in a ground floor flat which i had been on the council waiting list so i was lucky to get it but i hate it here. There are some quite rough people around which makes me nervous but the hardest part is the loneliness my mental health has deteriorated dramatically where i feel worthless and useless and just don't want to be here anymore i am waiting to see a psychiatrist as i have attempted suicide back in 2007/8 but i promised my children i would never do it again and that is literally the only thing stopping me. But he turned up at my front door on sunday as he had paid for carpets for me here as well as cooker and washing machine as she we all decided to live together i sold all my stuff but moving into council property you have to have your own things. H e said he did it out of guilt it messed my daughter and her fiancé up as well she also has fybro and they have had to move into his parents as they can't afford to rent on their own as its so expensive down here. He had laid the lounge and bedroom carpet but hadn't done the hallway and had purchased a large piece of carpet when the hallway is L shaped. The reason he called round on sunday was to say if i found a carpet fitter he would pay for it to be done. He had problems with his internet so came round to tell me which he had texted my daughter because i had emailed hi a couple of times and he let her know he could read emails but for some reason he couldn't reply. He is deaf and has a form or agoraphobia where he can't travel far its almost a radius of 10 miles from where he lives would be the max that he can drive so i accepted that from the word go and have never tried to force him to do anything he isn't comfortable doing. But seeing him has set em back a bit as i was trying to move on but how do you do that when you love someone so much i have been married twice and divorced twice and never had feelings like this and he is no oil painting. I don't know whether it is the fact that it has left me alone or the fact that i really do love him so much because at times even i was having doubts because there are things that we disagree on but we never really argued except once in the bungalow and he says that that was what changed things but i thought we had got over it but he couldn't. I am just back to crying all the time and missing him or even company so much it is so difficult i have 4 children 3 of which have moved to Leicester which is ironic as thats where i spent the first 17 years of my life until my parents decided to move to Bournemouth and now my daughter is talking of moving there after her wedding in may which i will find even harder as she is my only daughter and we are such good friends. Everyone keeps saying it will get easier but when you are stuck in four walls and can't walk far and there is nothing near where you live i just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who i am anymore i have lost me again. I really hate life and the constant pain i wake up in the middle of the night with my knees and back and struggle to get up to go to the bathroom. I only sleep if i take a high dose of amytryptiline even then because my body is so used to drugs it doesn't keep me asleep or the pain at bay. I just don't know the answer anymore i try and take it one day at a time half the time i don't know what day it is.
Sorry to go on just needed to write it down i think to people who i hope understand this.