Well today is the day i see the psychiatrist and it can't come too soon. I have felt very suicidal over thefts few months and it is getting worse some of it is that i can't drive whilst my hand is recovering from he surgery I had so i think its another 5 weeks at least and where i fell over i may have to go and get it xrayed as it is so swollen. I have been so bad this week just increasing my meds well the Amitryptiline i was on 50 mg for around the last 4 years i have increased to an old dose i was on which was 250mg last night i took 300mg i need to sleep and i really don't care if i don't wake up. I know some will see this as selfish but i feel so lost with out my ex partner he called in on Saturday as he wants to be friends but it is so difficult for me. Texting isn't too bad as he is deaf but everytime i see him it ends up with me in tears again. I still cant get over what he said when were going over the split he said he settled for me and pitied me so for a whole year i picked him u from his room to bring him to my place so we could have a full day together and then i would take him home on the Sunday if his football team were playing then he would go to the pub and have shandy and watch it which meant dropping him off early. He said i was self centred is it self centred to want to see the man i love, and when he needed help because of his type of agoraphobia more of a space phobia really along with dizziness to do with his hearing and balance for him its like he's on a ship that is tilting back and forth. I literally did everything for him. Then something changed and i don't know really what it was but it seems there was a combination of things one being that he couldn't stand the 4 dogs they got on his nerves they are my daughter and her fiancees dogs but he knew they were going into be there from the minute we moved in he did 't go over anything else. He said things were said on both sides that shouldn't have been said and i agree i know said some things but he didn't hear them as he wasn't looking my way so that was annoying.
I just hope this man can help me get my head straight i tried suicide 5 times back in 2007/2008 thats why i promised my children but its hard as my brain goes straight to those thoughts when i have something big happen to me and i can't deal with it. I don't mean minor things but big things. My life is like Eastenders not that i watch it or would definitely succeed in ending it.
Take care everyone