Psychiatrist

Well today is the day i see the psychiatrist and it can't come too soon. I have felt very suicidal over thefts few months and it is getting worse some of it is that i can't drive whilst my hand is recovering from he surgery I had so i think its another 5 weeks at least and where i fell over i may have to go and get it xrayed as it is so swollen. I have been so bad this week just increasing my meds well the Amitryptiline i was on 50 mg for around the last 4 years i have increased to an old dose i was on which was 250mg last night i took 300mg i need to sleep and i really don't care if i don't wake up. I know some will see this as selfish but i feel so lost with out my ex partner he called in on Saturday as he wants to be friends but it is so difficult for me. Texting isn't too bad as he is deaf but everytime i see him it ends up with me in tears again. I still cant get over what he said when were going over the split he said he settled for me and pitied me so for a whole year i picked him u from his room to bring him to my place so we could have a full day together and then i would take him home on the Sunday if his football team were playing then he would go to the pub and have shandy and watch it which meant dropping him off early. He said i was self centred is it self centred to want to see the man i love, and when he needed help because of his type of agoraphobia more of a space phobia really along with dizziness to do with his hearing and balance for him its like he's on a ship that is tilting back and forth. I literally did everything for him. Then something changed and i don't know really what it was but it seems there was a combination of things one being that he couldn't stand the 4 dogs they got on his nerves they are my daughter and her fiancees dogs but he knew they were going into be there from the minute we moved in he did 't go over anything else. He said things were said on both sides that shouldn't have been said and i agree i know said some things but he didn't hear them as he wasn't looking my way so that was annoying.

I just hope this man can help me get my head straight i tried suicide 5 times back in 2007/2008 thats why i promised my children but its hard as my brain goes straight to those thoughts when i have something big happen to me and i can't deal with it. I don't mean minor things but big things. My life is like Eastenders not that i watch it or would definitely succeed in ending it.

Take care everyone

Jackie

xxx

15 Replies

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  • Sending hugs. My marriage is currently breaking down, partly due to my partners severe depression and also my physical health. It's a tough time, I'm a nervous wreck. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you find the happiness you deserve xx

  • thanks for your message i can understand you being a nervous wreck thats how i feel now just remembered something else i meant to put on my post the area i moved into is very rough we had armed police to the flat opposite and theres lots going wrong and now i am feeling petrified.

    I though it was just two guys but it isn't from what the housing man said there are at least 5 properties involved in drugs alcohol and just really bad behaviour not sure what to call it really.

    i hope you too find happiness i really thought i had found my soulmate every time i think of him i cry i have never been like this in my life. i have been divorced twice but both times it was me that said i didn't want to be with them because of how they treated me.

    gentle hugs to you

    jackie xxxx

  • Hello Jackie,

    I am sorry that you are feeling so dreadful. I have attempted suicide in the past, and I have certainly been feeling suicidal since developing Fibro so please believe me when I say that I can understand where you are right now. Your life sounds really complicated, it is really difficult for others to understand our invisible illness and the emotional distress you are feeling isn't going to help you. I think that right now you need to be your priority; you are a unique human being and you are still amazing even if it doesn't feel like it today. Take small steps to improve things that you can; changing ourselves may be hard but it is easier than changing others that is for sure; you need to become your own best friend. Decide how you would like your life to be and take small steps to get there; be kind to yourself because actually you are worth it. I use websites like moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome for online CBT support, and headspace.com/ for free meditation lessons to help calm the worries. If you get yourself into a better state of mind you will manage your relationships with others better and they will be drawn to the new you.

    Be practical; get that hand looked at, pain is a warning that something is wrong, it might be worse because of the fibro but there might be something wrong. Can someone help with the dogs? Can you team up with someone else so you share the care?

    Be a friend to yourself, enjoy things that help you to feel better; warm baths, hot drinks, I have a furry blanket that I curl up under that soothes my inner child!! I always put on perfume because it makes me feel cared for. Find whatever feels right for you. Just because others do not understand it does not mean that they do not love you, they would be devastated if anything happened to you.

    Look after yourself

    Julie

  • Hi Julie we had the dogs when we were all living together we found a lovely big bungalow and it worked well for us or so i thought only found out the other day he hated the dogs. Its the break up as i still love him i fell asleep on my back last night which is unusual for me at no time had a moved because if i had it would have broken bits that were on my bed in the same spot but my back knees and my left heel were absolute agony i know it hurts when i lie on my hips but i will need to hang from the ceiling next. i did take 300mg of amitryptiline as i needed to sleep i just want to block everything out. will see what shrink says. thanks for your advice xx

  • Thank you so much for the link to the moodgym, I am myself struggling at the moment and it looks like a very useful tool to help move forward. I will look at the other link too, but just wanted to give my thanks to you :-)

    Foggy x

  • Hi Foggy,

    other things that I find helpful includes Alphawave music, which is designed to engage with brain wave patterns to help with relaxation. You can find free samples on Amazon, or on John Levine's website, or on a website called Sounds True. I am a huge fan of hypnotherapy and love anything by Paul McKenna; his books usually include a cd and I always feel better if I listen to his lovely voice. In my search for salvation I also found that I love choral music by The Sixteen. There is an other worldliness about it that is good for those times when you need to rest but not sleep.

    with love xx

  • I have two of these on my ipad I listened to it for a few days some days it helped but some days my brain just wouldn't go into listening mode everything else was barging in. I kept trying to focus on the breathing and all he was saying and the soft sounds of the music

  • Dear Jackie

    I am so sorry to read your post and hope that the psychiatrist has been able to help do let us know how you have got on.

    I have sent you a personal message with some words that I read when I am down that I find help. The piece is too long to post on the forum so that is why I have sent it to you personally. I hope they help.xxx

  • The psychiatrist was a total waste of time. He told me all the same things that everyone has been telling me i need to distance myself from my ex partner and i am trying to but it is so difficult. He never took anything else into consideration.He said about going to work and i explained i don't sleep i take lots of meds for pain, i can't sit for long i can't stand for long and my hands don't like to work for long. But he missed all of that bit he gave me no anti depressants even though i was in tears and took a notebook that i had been writing my feelings down in. My second entry was that i was still alive so obviously i had not taken enough tablets he asked what i meant by that so i said i took extra but obviously not enough. There were so many things he didn't listen to all he is doing is changing my amytryptiline to i think it was Lorazepam i have probably had them sometime over the last 26 plus years he asked me when i had last worked. He just didn't seem to get that my body just doesn't allow me to work if i could get some parts of it fixed then it may be different but when you have consultants refusing to do something as it may make it worse shouldn't that be my decision if i am willing to risk it and sign something saying i will risk it i am so sick and tired of trying to fight the system i have Osteoarthritis in my hips knees and hands I had a partial knee replacement done privately about 7 or 8 years ago i had seen the same surgeon on NHS saw him again privately after he told me that i was too young but surprise surprise i was in within a month having a femoral knee replacement which drops me dow the stairs. i think if he had done a total it may have been better.

    The other problem is where i have just moved to i have been given a ground floor flat in a very rough area there are at least 5 properties in this close that both the police and council are watching. My daughter took me to physic a few days ago we come home to armed police at the properties opposite. There is no sound proofing between the floors but the girl above luckily for me has been evicted the owner is very nice but he was in the flat a few nights ago and i could hear every footstep he took i phoned his number to check if it was him he did phone me back and apologised he said he just wanted to have look but had to be careful as it was going to court yesterday Tuesday he still can't enter the property for another two weeks but i have lived in other properties where there is noise and it drives me mad when i am trying to sleep obviously i expect noise during the day you cant avoid that. But i am scared living here on my own i don't feel safe which i know i probably am although if they knew i had legal drugs here maybe it would be different. I had emailed the Council on monday telling them my concerns and a gentleman called in yesterday as he was visiting others in this area and thats when i found out it wasn't just two people who were the problem its much more than that but he couldy'tsay who or anything. I just want to get out of here now. He said if i could get a letter from my dr and the psychiatrist then that would help me get back on the list and start bidding again. but i have just has this whole place carpeted.. I just don't know what to do anymore i understand why the last tenant had locks on the doors now internal doors that is you can see where they were. I have some decisions to make and still need to get my hand checked i really have a feeling i have broken it but as the splint is on its keeping it straight.

    Hugs to everyone (gentle ones of course.)

    Jackie

  • Hi michaelb62

    I am so sorry to read that you appointment did not go so well for you? I was wondering if there were any other GP's or nurses at your surgery that you could confide in and seek help through them?

    I want to wish you all the bets of luck with finding the help that you so desperately desire and deserve.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken x

  • Thanks Ken for your lovely words it's always nice to come on here to help others that are struggling as well getting advice or just cheering up a bit. I mistook the name of the tablets he has given me they are trazadone I have a feeling I have been on them before but have had that many different ones over the 20 + years you get to forget one of my gps has just phoned me to say the prescription is done and I have to lower the dose of amytryptiline and add the new one gradually getting me off of amytryptiline which will be odd as I have been on them for the whole time. I have only just joined this surgery the first Dr I saw was really nice but it turned out that he doesn't work there as he listened to everything I said. I will go through Drs until I find one I like I am seeing a lady on Monday she looks nice so will see.

  • I know that's why I took that one because I knew if I took enough it would work this is the second time I have felt let down by the mental health team. When I took my first overdose in 2007 I stayed overnight in hospital was then sent home. The community mental team came to see me asked me if I was hearing voices I said no then it was did the to talk to me I said no again then they said that's ok you are fine. I attempted suicide 4 more times and really didn't want to go on one time I was on life support and for some reason was taken to Salisbury hospital not Bournemouth with tubes down my nose etc and I don't ember a thing. I think the amytryptiline is affecting my memory really badly as well now I can't ember anything and this psychiatrist was saying about getting some life skills or something and getting back to work. If I could do that I would be working it beats sitting on your own 24/7 talking to the walls or myself. I keep getting quite cross with myself at the moment as I don't have a clue what I have gone in a room to do or what I was saying mid sentence I stop and completely forgot what I was saying.

  • Sending you hugs. Have you contacted Rethink they really helped my daughter?

  • I have never heard of Rethink I will look it upx

  • I know peace that's why I was onlife support the last time I did it. I promised my children that I would never do it again. But my brain seems to be wired that when anything is going drastically wrong in instantly think of ending it. I asked my go that I had at the time if I would always be like that and he said if he said yes I would just go and do it. I am really trying to think of what it would do to my children but its not as easy as sort of switching my brain off I wish it was my brain just never stops and at night it goes into overdrive. Thanks for your support. X

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