Suicide

[jackie4ball]

My weekend has been hell for me, my partner of 3 and half years dumped me earlier in the year he told me i was self centred, talk too much he stayed with me because he pitied me, and settled for me. This has completely knocked me for six he is no oil painting he is deaf and has a form of agoraphobia which means he can only drive in very limited areas. For a whole year last year he couldn't drive to where i lived so i only saw him at weekends i would pick him up late friday evening and drop him off sunday afternoon.

I deleted his phone number when i moved into my new place which now feels like a prison as i can't go out because there is nothing around for me to walk to and if i did i would end up suffering i cannot drive at the moment as i have had surgery on my hand so everything is very limited and getting to me.Two sundays ago he turned up out of the blue and said about the hall carpet as he had promised to get it laid for me so he called in to tell me to get some quotes.Then the following saturday he called and took me for coffee but all the time we were in the coffee shop he was looking at the door and i asked what he was looking for and he said he was worried his mum would turn up and if she did he would dash downstairs now his mum lives in swanage and we were just outside of Bournemouth! He took me home on the monday the carpet was fitted he gave me the money to pay for it and that was that I have hardly heard a word from him since. In fact i texted him on Friday after finding out someone has cloned my bank card and used it. Over the weekend i think i thought that he would call round because he had done so the last two weekends but not a word. He thinks he is this wonderful kind man but all i can see is someone that is cruel he know i still love him so i don't understand why he came round and why he insisted we had each others phone numbers again. Saturday night i felt so low that i sat and wrote in a book my feelings and took extra pills in the hope i would never wake up I tried suicide back in2007 tried 5 times and one time almost succeeded and was on life support. I promised my children i would never do it again but my 3 sons have moved to Leicester and only my daughter is here but she is going to Leicester inMay next year after getting married. She has been very short with me lately snapping at me because i am telling her things that i have already told her but my memory has deteriorated and i just can't remember anything.

I texted two of my sons saturday night saying i hadn't heard from them my youngest replied in a not nice way and the other didn't reply until late last night I know they both work long hours which is why i don't phone them because i don't know if they are home of having dinner. I am left feeling so useless no one needs me i feel like i am just a burden on everyone and i really don't want to be here anymore i am just worthless. I will be trying again but obviously need to raise the dose. I am due to see the psychiatrist on the 25th i am writing my feelings down and i don't want to be here by christmas. I have so had enough of my life. Nothing has ever been easy everything a battle and i have lost the will to fight it anymore. Sorry to rant on but i have to get this written down.

Jackie

[jojo-lianne]

Hi Jackie,

I am really sorry for what you have been through and for what you feel you're facing now!

I know you have an appointment with the psychiatrist coming up but in the mean time have you spoken to your GP about a local mental health outreach service or have you tried the Samaritans? There are also charities that offer companionship for housebound people, you might find one of those in your area and I know they've been a godsend for relatives of mine with limited mobility.

I know dark thoughts can be a plague on us who suffer with chronic conditions and when you're at your lowest point it is impossible to see any kind of ray of hope or sunshine. I've spent the past few years trying different medications to get my anxieties under control and at the moment it feels like the world is conspiring to put me back down again.

Have you ever tried to write to your children to let them know how you feel? I know that sometimes when I try to explain myself, everything loses the meaning I wanted to put across and I get flustered and frustrated that I'm not being understood. When I write though, I'm able to organise my thoughts far better and also check back to make sure I've put all my points across. It helps me start to rationalise what I'm feeling as well. Sometimes looking at it in black and white, I'm able to start to challenge some of the more unreasonable and painful thoughts I have about myself.

Try to remember that you deserve to live and be happy. You've raised 4 healthy and successful children from the sounds of it which is no mean feat these days. Try to be proud of what you've achieved in life so far and try not to let fibromyalgia be the only thing in your life now.

I know it feels like an overwhelming burden but if each day you can find something to take a tiny bit of pleasure in then that is a win in itself. Even if it's just enjoying a TV show or the fact that you managed something small that you didn't think you could do alone.

Please try to hang in there until your appointment and reach out for help again if you need it.

[jackie4ball in reply to jojo-lianne]

Thank you Jojo, I texted two of my sons they have fybro as well and so has my daughter she has an added problem now which may need surgery on her hip if they don't do that then the consultant has said joint disease which we are assuming he is saying osteoarthritis as that is what i have along with the fybro. I had one text back from my youngest son which just upset me more because i thought he would understand after going through a bad end of relationship with someone he really loved. Then later i finally had a text from my second son which just went on to say how much work he has been doing and hasn't had time to phone or text me. Mildest son doesn't want to know about me or my health problems. I have raised 4 great children who have never been in any trouble through their lives. My daughter was 22 last week she is the youngest and only girl so she is my life obviously i love the boys but i desperately wanted a girl and she is normally my best friend as well as being my daughter but lately maybe as she is under stress at the current time she has been so snappy and nasty to me at times as i said because i just cannot remember things i have said and maybe because i am always on my own the area i am living in is not where i would ever choose but it is a council flat and for the first time i don't have to add money to the rent as before i was having to add £200 on top of housing. My daughter has my car at the moment .

[Betty67]

So sorry you are having to put up with so much at the moment. Do not be so hard on yourself or your sons. All people have worth but you do need help. Gentle hugs

[jillylin]

Gentle hugs

[21esme]

Hi Jackie,

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. As Jo Jo says please hang on until your appointment with the psychiatrist but you should speak to your GP about other local mental health services. I also wondered whether longer term you could think about moving to Leicester as well. I don't know if this is practical but you would then be physically close to all your family. You won't be able to rely on them to be your only social contact but at least you would hopefully see them more often. It would also remove you from the man you have been seeing who doesn't seem to have any compassion for the pain he is inflicting on you. You still have feeling for him and he is manipulating you. It isn't nice and you don't deserve it.

Take care

Sarah x

[jackie4ball]

Thank you all for your kind words I wish he could see what he is doing to me but he thinks he is being kind when in actual fact he isn't he is driving me over the edge because i hang in hope of seeing him. I sat tonight watching the time wondering if he would call by and i can't do this he is gently killing me. I actually originate from Leicester and moved down here with my parents when i was 17. I don't know at the moment what my options will be i have family up there aunties and uncles as both my parents were from big families. But i don't know if i want to go back things have changed so much. I have just got a ground floor council flat here which is where i am living but it is more like a prison at the moment as i can't go out. I hate it here in this area there are a few rough people around everyone asked what the area was like they said exciting. Found out what they meant a few days later with fire engines, ambulance and police the firemen were trying to break a door down from an upstairs flat across the road from me there was no fire but someone was in the flat as lights came on and went off. I don't know what was happening. A few days late and old man knocked on my door asking if i was someones girlfriend as he was having a fit or was drunk pushing down the fences I told him i was nothing to do with this man. I was assured there was soundproofing between the floors and there isn't the flat above is privately owned and if the girl that was there was still there i would have moved out the day i moved in as there is no soundproofing she had a young child and he was stamping on the floor the night before her and the guy across the road decided to take stuff out of the flat at 11.50 at night i had just had my surgery. The owner is a nice guy but i just dread someone moving in. I have lived inflate with no soundproof before and it drove me mad. I may consider moving with my daughter but i don't want them all to feel that i am following them I know my daughter won't mind but not sure about my sons.

[TheAuthor]

Hi jackie4ball

I have read your post with so much pain and sorrow for what you are having to endure, and I genuinely hope from my very soul that you can find some resolution and relief to your sadness and pain.

Please do not be offended but I have pasted the telephone number for the Samaritans below. I have done this out of friendship and I urge you to ring them if you ever feel that life is too much for you:

The Samaritans:

Telephone: [phone]

I want to wish you all the best of luck and please remember that you are not alone as there are plenty of members on the forum who will reach out to you if you place a post, we are here for you.

All my hopes and dreams for you

Ken x

[Fibrofoggiest in reply to TheAuthor]

Hi Ken,

Just one thing that has been bugging me recently and that is how on earth the Samaritans use an 08457 premium rate number, when I think in many cases it could easily put the people who most need their help off ringing because of it being premium rate number which to my mind isn't right, people who are at the end of their tether don't need the added worry of a huge phone bill when reaching out for the help they need.

Sorry for my ramble, I hope it makes some sort of sense

Foggy x

[jackie4ball in reply to Fibrofoggiest]

I certainly afford to pay that as i can't afford to have my heating on.

[Fibrofoggiest in reply to jackie4ball]

Exactly what I meant Jackie - please please read the link that dear Nedd has given you, I've just read some and I really truly think it might help you.

I understand exactly where you are, and what a dark place it is for you, hang on in there, keep posting here and we will all try and support you through this horrid time......it will pass, I have to say that to myself at the moment !!

I am sending you huge loads of positive and hopefully healing vibes.

Foggy x

[michaelb62 in reply to Fibrofoggiest]

Thank you foggy for your support and to everyone else who has been there. I was talking to my daughter yesterday and tried explaining how i feel and she doesn't understand she says it is selfish for me to think of even doing such a thing. They saw me go through this in 2007/8 and i promised them i would never do it again. But she has recently been very snappy at me as my brain is in an awful muddle i want to say one thing and something else comes out. I don't feel i am in control of myself. I tried saying to my daughter its like having a jackal on one side of my brain and a hude on the other so one is saying just do it just end it the other is saying don't do it its not fair on the people left behind. So I know it is the wrong decision but its very difficult to control when my life feels that there is no going forward. On top of the relationship breakdown i also have financial pressures where if i could get the money together i would go bankrupt in fact thats what the charity Step change said when i filled in their forms. But it is pointless when you have to pay over £700 to go bankrupt when you have no money in the first place!!!

Again thank you for all the support

[TheAuthor in reply to Fibrofoggiest]

Hi Foggy

I think that you are absolutely right! I am aware that the Samaritans do not take any government funding as to not infringe on their independence. However, saying this it does not help the public if they cannot afford to ring them.

They do ring you back if you cannot afford the call, but obviously you need to ring them first!

Take care my friend

Ken x x

[michaelb62 in reply to TheAuthor]

Thank you so much for your support, I felt a little better yesterday but i know it is because my daughter visited and took me out for coffee. That makes a difference in how i feel. I am disappointed i haven't heard from him as i don't understand why he asked for my mobile but is not replying to anything. He said we would be friends. Maybe the truth hurts him as i went through all times he let me down and believe me there were many times. But when i had deleted his number 5 weeks ago to turn up after that twice its like he wants me to suffer. Which i just think is really cruel. I just have to make it until the 26th when hopefully talking to the psychiatrist he will be able to help. I have been keeping a sort of diary over the last few days expressing how i feel.

I just want to thank everyone that has been supportive. I don't know what sort of day today will be because its back to being on my own. I am hoping to look through my cross stitch stuff and maybe do some of that even though it hurts my hand i had surgery on to just hold the needle between two fingers to help me. But stitching is the only thing that helps me mentally.

Thank you and gentle hugs to everyone.

jackie

[jackie4ball]

Hi Ken

Thank you for your kind words for the last three nights i have been writing in a notebook how i am really feeling two reasons for this in that i don't want to live anymore and i know that is not the answer but i really don't want to be here anymore. This what loving someone with the difficulties he has and i accepted him so completely. For doing this his mother has continuously put me down after the 4 meetings 3 and a half years ago. I am writing things down for two reasons. One in case i do actually manage to take my life and secondly so that if i make it until the 25th when i see the psychiatrist. Yesterday my brain was constantly telling me to just do it. I feel that my own children aren't there for me for the last week when i saw my daughter she has consistently shouted at me for not remembering what i have or have not told her. Mostly what have repeated this makes her very snappy at me and twice she has reduced me to tears. I know why she is snappy because of my ex dumping me we all moved into a bungalow together the 4 of us and everything was going fine until one sunday my ex lost it during a small argument that developed into something bigger and he moved so fast from the conservatory to me and had his hands round my throat and kicked me on the shin. This was not the man i love as he has always been very quiet caring person. I think whatever we had died that day as he couldn't believe he had lost control. I am not making excuses for him but i have known him for the 3 nd a half years and he had never ever lost it. I think it scared him. But when he then said he pitied me and that for two years that was what he had done and he had settled for me. The thing is these sound like his mothers words. I did everything for him if he couldn't drive somewhere i would take him for instance to his fathers who has bone cancer. He couldn't drive to where he lived so i took him. Even though his mum hated me i offered to drive him Swanage so he could go and see her and i would go and sit in a cafe until he was ready to leave. He declined the offer saying if his mum didn't accept me then he wasn't going to go and see her as the conversation could never be about his life. But when i found out he had printed off the copies of emails i sent him in anger and hurt he took them to show his mum so this woman who already hated me had even more ammunition and said he wasn't to see me even as a friend. If i didn't love him this would be so easy but i can't switch the emotions off I have never loved someone like this before. I am just trying to take one day at a time. I increased my pills to a bit more tonight. I can't eat as i have no appetite. I was woken up tonight with the pain in my right knee and back i then struggled to get off the bed to go to the bathroom and now I'm in tears again. It would just be so simple to take more pills. I know i feel i don't want to be here but i am still concerned about my children and how they would cope if i did it. I have even written in my notebook that it is not their fault it is me its my brain which just goes to suicide mode when i really can't cope with things. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up and i know this could be seen as cowardly or selfish but when you feel you have nothing left and can't find your way out of the black hole its very difficult. Thank you for the telephone number. My mum know i am low but she doesn't know how low and she suggested i call the samaritans if i felt really low and emotional. But then she went on to say when she feels low she speaks to god he answers her. I have been brought up as church of england but my mum is a born again christian i do believe t here is something but if i needed to pray for help it would only be when my life is good and i thank him for making it good. But currently i don't have that conviction and will not turn that way if that makes sense.

I took a handful of pills tonight and i am still awake at my usual waking time so frustrating.

Thank you again for your words and i would never think anyone is interfering by giving me the number to the Samaritans. I am due to see the psychiatrist on the 25th so its only a week away if i can just stop my thoughts until then.

Jackie

[nedd]

May you find peace within your day.

therecoveryletters.com/abou...

I heard about this site via the radio.

Just a thought.

Put the radio on and tune into music. It sometimes helps lift the spirit.

[jackie4ball in reply to nedd]

Thank you Nedd for your support it is very helpful although the music i have has left me in tears as the songs words that i have never noticed before are all bleeding in with what i am feeling. I asked my son what he did when he had a break up with his ex and he was truly gutted over it he said concentrate on something and don't listen to music. I will check out your link again thank you . Woke up in the night with horrendous back ache and still have it now.Even have a new bed as i thought it was the mattress on the old one where base was broken but this one seems to be causing me the same problems. It makes me want to cry when i move.

Kind regards

Jackie

[michaelb62 in reply to nedd]

Thank you Nedd

I have just read the letters and at times i could see myself in them I hope i can be strong and last until the 26th i had thought it was the 25th but i had letter today just telling me the time had changed otherwise i would have turned up on the wrong day.

Thank you

jackie