My weekend has been hell for me, my partner of 3 and half years dumped me earlier in the year he told me i was self centred, talk too much he stayed with me because he pitied me, and settled for me. This has completely knocked me for six he is no oil painting he is deaf and has a form of agoraphobia which means he can only drive in very limited areas. For a whole year last year he couldn't drive to where i lived so i only saw him at weekends i would pick him up late friday evening and drop him off sunday afternoon.
I deleted his phone number when i moved into my new place which now feels like a prison as i can't go out because there is nothing around for me to walk to and if i did i would end up suffering i cannot drive at the moment as i have had surgery on my hand so everything is very limited and getting to me.Two sundays ago he turned up out of the blue and said about the hall carpet as he had promised to get it laid for me so he called in to tell me to get some quotes.Then the following saturday he called and took me for coffee but all the time we were in the coffee shop he was looking at the door and i asked what he was looking for and he said he was worried his mum would turn up and if she did he would dash downstairs now his mum lives in swanage and we were just outside of Bournemouth! He took me home on the monday the carpet was fitted he gave me the money to pay for it and that was that I have hardly heard a word from him since. In fact i texted him on Friday after finding out someone has cloned my bank card and used it. Over the weekend i think i thought that he would call round because he had done so the last two weekends but not a word. He thinks he is this wonderful kind man but all i can see is someone that is cruel he know i still love him so i don't understand why he came round and why he insisted we had each others phone numbers again. Saturday night i felt so low that i sat and wrote in a book my feelings and took extra pills in the hope i would never wake up I tried suicide back in2007 tried 5 times and one time almost succeeded and was on life support. I promised my children i would never do it again but my 3 sons have moved to Leicester and only my daughter is here but she is going to Leicester inMay next year after getting married. She has been very short with me lately snapping at me because i am telling her things that i have already told her but my memory has deteriorated and i just can't remember anything.
I texted two of my sons saturday night saying i hadn't heard from them my youngest replied in a not nice way and the other didn't reply until late last night I know they both work long hours which is why i don't phone them because i don't know if they are home of having dinner. I am left feeling so useless no one needs me i feel like i am just a burden on everyone and i really don't want to be here anymore i am just worthless. I will be trying again but obviously need to raise the dose. I am due to see the psychiatrist on the 25th i am writing my feelings down and i don't want to be here by christmas. I have so had enough of my life. Nothing has ever been easy everything a battle and i have lost the will to fight it anymore. Sorry to rant on but i have to get this written down.