I'm sure it's partly to do with all the kidney drama, but also I'm in huge amounts of pain today. The doctor told me to stop taking my pain meds while we waited for the test results when he thought I had kidney disease so after 5 days without I am in agony, and can barely put on foot in front of the other. Clothes, bedding, towel hurts my skin, like it's heavily bruised, and moving about is unbearable.
Because of the way the surgery has treated me lately I've not really been on top of the pain even when I was taking all of my drugs, and my rheumy has written to my GP suggesting he introduces Gabapentin and amitriptilyne and refer me for hydrotherapy for the HMS she diagnosed. He hasn't even mentioned these things, usually because he's too busy making me feel like a fraud. Because they made me feel like I was neurotic and a time waster over the kidney thing in that phonecall, I don't feel able to now make another appointment to discuss my pain. But can't go on like this.
Then today I was going to go to my sister's for dinner to see my 3 year old nephew, but my pain is so extreme, that the 45 minute car journey to get there (the same back) is completely out of the question for me. I find travelling very difficult when I'm well (or rather stable) I'm best if I can keep moving gently or if I can lie down but sitting kills me. I phoned my sister and apologised and explained I just wasn't well enough, at which point she told me how upset that little boy would be, and how she'd now have to comfort him because he'd been so excited about seeing me. She finished off by saying in future she wouldn't tell him I was coming to stay so he didn't get traumatised the next time I let him down. I feel utterly rubbish, and dreadful, and bad. She never brings George to see me, I always have to go there, but now he's going to think I've let him down on purpose if she tells it in the way she was making it sound to me.
All in all I feel pretty useless, and poorly. And like no one understands or cares. Does anyone ever get completely overwhelmed and wonder what the future is going to be like if this is what life has in store? I feel like Fibro is winning xxx