Feeling very low today

My husband finally admitted yesterday that there is no way he will consider me giving up my job to do something home based or far less stressful. He said he will consider me changing jobs if I can find one similar to my current on esp in terms of salary but closer to home.

I had been hoping to change to WFH by retraining to become a reflexologist (i'm halfway through gaining my qualification). For the last year whenever I've mentioned it he has always said wait until... firstly it was wait until he finished his probation in his new job, then it was wait to see if my energy levels improve, then it was see if the new consultant can do something, then it was see if the pain improves, then it was see if my back improves, then more recently see if the pain clinic takes away the pain. So yesterday I confronted him and asked if he really meant it was an option. He said no it's not. He said that he feels I need to keep my earning my salary so that if his job changes or he has to leave for any reason so that we can live off of my salary. I feel absolutley gutted. I feel trapped. I can't leave my current role to find another one of similar money would be impossible at the moment. I can only manage to work four days a week at the moment 2 of those days are worked from home because of the pain. This year alone I've had 27 days off sick due to my fibromyalgia. I also have lots of hospital and doctors appointments. My company have been great and reduced a lot of my role but I know they're at the limits of what they adjustments they can make.

I feel so let down. I've always paid for all of the bills and for everything like food and items we need for the house, decorating etc out of my salary. His wages go into a savings account and we use that for holidays and the bigger things. Although to be honest we never spend from the savings the amount I put into the house over the year. He earns double my salary. I do all of the ironing, food shopping (although these days a friend helps me), we have a cleaner but any tidying I do. I also do all of the ironing, he normally puts the washing on as I can't bend down to put the the washing on etc or lift. I also do the majority of the meal planning and cooking with help from my daughters.

Is it just me? I feel so hurt. He just doesn't seem to understand why I'm hurting from this. He said all he's doing is encouraging me to keep working yet I feel like he's bullying me to stay in a job that has so much stress and almost 3 hours of commute in the car each day, all of which combine to make my fibro worse.

Any advice? At the moment I've told him how much I'm hurting and why and he's said nothing. He's tried to act as if nothings wrong and I've pushed him away telling him I need time to heal as I'm hurt. I'm being civilised to him as I'd like to think that my marriage is for life but I honestly feel like running away. Any advice? He's read all of the advice on the fibro action page in the past but it's made no difference. I can't even talk to any of our friends about it as they are joint friends and I can't talk to my Mum as she's got enough on her plate at the moment and she'd just say leave him she wouldn't even try to suggest a way to work through the problems.

Sorry for the long post I just feel so :'( I don't know where else to turn I feel as if my hope has gone.

33 Replies

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  • Suzy, im sorry to hear of your problems. Can i ask a personal question? Do you still love him and make your marriage work? xx

  • hi suzy, he doesn't seem to understand even after the stuff you've shown him or told him. I'm not sure what I could say about his behaviour as I don't know him, or you. I know what my initial reaction is and it's not kind or printable!

    is your gp sympathetic? maybe he could help him understand.

    I wonder if your hubby is hoping you'll get finished up sick or offered a package to leave by your current employers, which if you just left you'd lose out on.

    have you thought about talking to relate? you can go on your own to talk to them and maybe he could/would join you at some point, so you can discuss things but have a relate advisor as a mediator.

    keep talking on here,

    sending you a gentle hug (( :) ))

    sandra.

  • Yes I do still love him. I'm also waiting to find if I can keep my driving licence. Although the DVLA have said the decision is another 3 months away. (they've had the info since August) I'm now dreading what will happen if I lose my licence as if I do I will lose my job. And I'm scared what he we will say.

  • Whoops you've replied whilst I was still writing, you do love him and that is fine, as long as its reciprocal. I have really noticed that you seem to be scared of his reactions, that should not happen, remember that you have as many rights to comfort and consideration as he does. Foggy x

  • Oh dear Suzy, as I read your post, before I'd got anywhere near your mention of keeping the marriage together, I was thinking ehhhh on earth is she accepting all this from a person who is clearly not understanding your needs or your condition,I'm sorry if I come over as hard and callous, I truly am not, and I hate to see people being put through the mill in they way he is treating you. You can always message me if you want to, I'm a good listener so I'm told (hope that doesn't come over as big headed) and can give you moral support and encouragement, goodness knows it sounds like you need it at the moment ! Like charli I would be interested to know whether you want this relationship to continue, but it sounds to me like you are being put into a pretty invidious situation. The fact that your husband said he wants you to keep working in case HE wants to change jobs made my blood boil......his consideration for you seems extremely questionable. This is all said with great concern and consideration for you, I hope it doesn't upset you in any way, that is the last thing I would wish to do. Foggy x

  • You certainly have a lot on your plate suzy. You still love your husband so my initial reaction on reading your blog was "Oh God, get rid!" that is not an issue if you still love him.

    Its a tricky one, he does come across as self centered a little and it seems to be all about his job and not your health.

    It is not your fault you have illness, none of us asked to be cursed with this wretched condition, so if the worst happens and you lose your licence and therefore your job dont be afraid of telling him......you are not to blame!

    I dont know how you do it to be honest with working and commuting.....my idea of commuting is going to asda! I admire you and as for training in reflexology, its not something i know a lot about but good for you!

    I suppose in the current climate that your hubby is understandably worried about your financial situation and what ifs, but if you believe that you can make the reflexology work then i think you should talk more to him and tell him what you have written i your blog.....he may change his mind, or failing that is there any way when you qualify that you could test the water as it were and do reflexology at weekends, just to see what the demand is in your area.

    A good friend of mine is in a similar situation. She does crafts and silk dying and things like that. Shes not ill but hates her office job so much that she decided to save a little every month and bought her own equipment. She does workshop days for 10 eople at a time in various locations and has a waiting list for them, and she charges £35 per person a day!!!

    She wants to give up her job desperately but her hubby is having none of it. He doesnt mind her craft but he says they epend on her salary to live comfortably and while the demand is there now it might not be in the future and where would that leave them?

    BUT.....if you flip the coin you could say life is too short and would you always be wondering "what if...." You could even begin to resent your hubby for not supporting you in this and that could lead to serious problems in your relationship.

    Only you can decide suzy what you want to do and how much you want it, is htere any comprimise such as maybe workshop type things when qualified before you think about giving up your job?

    If you lose our licence, you will not have any choice in the matter and its disgusting that its taking so long....please let me know how you get on......Charlii xx

  • Hi SuzyB,

    Altho' you love your husband, from your point of view this marriage is not working. Marriage is supposed to be about mutual comfort and help, and in this case your husband is getting the lion's share of everything.

    Being a rather rebellious woman, I would personally feed him to the sharks, but as you care about him you need to make a stand.

    I would suggest that you contact RELATE. They are experts at sorting out 'muddled' marriages, and would see you alone if you wish - although they specialise in couples counselling

    relate.org.uk/home/index.html

    Click on the link and see what they offer - I hope you will be able to find some help and assistance. Of course, we are all here for you if you want a good moan!

    Love Moffy xxx

  • I agree with Fibrogoggiest - I don't think he is considering you at all - only himself. A 3 hour commute, doing a days work, cooking, ironing, etc,. etc., is alot even for someone without fibro. I dont think HIS behaviour is acceptable. Sorry x

  • Thank you all. I will look at the relate link and suggest it to him. I also do crafts and sell them although I view that as a way to pay for my hobby rather than an income. For example I make quilts and my baby quilts and playmats are really popular. It costs me about £18 to make them and a whole days time but I only charge £25 for them as I don't like to charge too much.

  • I've sent him a facebook msg to suggest relate. I know it sounds daft but at the moment using electronic communications is the only way I can communicate with him without him getting cross because I end up in tears

  • ((((Suzy)))). I'm sorry to seem bossy in any way, but everything you say leads me more and more to the conclusion that he is a bully, the fact that you say you can only connect by electronics, to me sounds like there is a total breakdown and you have to walk on egg shells all the time, not wanting his rate to erupt. This is not a healthy situation in anyone's life and even more so with someone with fibro who's condition can only be made worse by stress. Please take a long hard look at what we have all said, and I really am only saying this with concern, and ask yourself if your husband is really contributing to your happiness in any way ? If I were n your shoes I would be doing one of two things, either issuing an ultimatum, taking into account your health or denying yourself a life with strain and stress that only serves to exacerbate your condition. Im afraid I think from what you say he is a male chauvinist and needs a reality shock as to the value of his wife, you are worth much more than this!!

    Gentle hugs. Foggy x

  • Hello again SuzyB

    I'm glad you're looking at RELATE, but you don't have to suggest it to your husband, or ask his permission. I suspect he would refuse!

    Please do something by yourself, for yourself, and get some help and support from them before you approach him about it.

    Sorry to sound bossy, but I was once a 'doormat' wife, and got beaten as well for my trouble. I suppose you might say that I have issues with such problems!

    RELATE helped me more than I can say, and tho' my marriage ended, I managed far better than I had feared, and my children and I had a better life altogether.

    We were better even financially, as the courts made him pay more for their support than he ever had during our marriage!

    I'm not saying that your marriage has to end, far from it, but it's clear that your man needs a wake-up call, and at the moment you're not strong enough to manage this on your own.

    Take back control just a little bit - you'd be surprised how easy it gets after that!

    Love Moffy x

  • He's never been violent in anyway. He sulks which in some ways is worse. He's replied saying "Thought you were annoyed at me not questioning our relationship." I can't believe he can be so blind at times. I've been in tears on and off since we had the conversation yesterday. I haven't even had the energy to get dressed yet today as everything hurts so much. He's in a meeting for work now (He works from home) so I'll have to wait to see what he says when that meeting finishes.

  • Why wait to see what His Lordship has to say? Take the law into your own hands, and do it for yourself.

    I'm glad he's not physically violent, but mentally, he's as cruel and manipulative as it as possible to be. He should be comforting you, not belittling and hurting you!

    I wish I could fly round on my broomstick and give him a clip round the ear!

    C'mon girl, stand up for yourself and tel him where to get off!

    Moffy x

  • Hard to let go if you love him, but as every one says, he's not

    Thinking of you, what is this going to do to you now the fibro is

    Going to go into a flare.

    You need to sit with him tell him to shut up and listen, them tell him

    How you feel about being ill how effects your life, and how you feel

    About him, and if he still feels the same as much as you love him

    He's. not thinking of you is he, and if you stay with him things are

    Just going to get worse, I don't know how you manage to work the

    Hours you do I only work 20 hours and really struggle with this.

    This all full illness just changes every thing, he has to love you enough

    To put up with this, he has to support you in your life and the things you

    Want do do, if he can't say good bye

  • Ok we talked. He explained that he thinks I should push my employer to allow me to work from home on a constant basis or invoke their income protection programme. I'm going to ask HR to refer me to Unum who do our occupational health. He said if they won't then he'll go with me to see the GP to get me signed off for 6 months (the max sick leave time) which will give time for things to settle down & for me to hopefully get my DLA through and my reflexology client base sorted. I've told him if nothing's changed in 6 weeks we will talk again & he has to consider the possibility of me quitting work regardless & there won't be any more wait until moments.... I have to give him this chance xxx

  • Hi Suzy thought I would give you a few words of encouragement regarding reflexology. The young lady that I get sessions of reflexology with (which I find helps me a lot) also has fibromyalgia herself and she says it works well for her because she can choose hours that suits her. I enjoy my reflexology with her because we can compare ideas/treatments. Also have you asked your husband to read "the Spoon Theory" -- butyoudontlooksick.com it may help him understand how difficult life is for you. I got my husband to read it and he has been more understanding since. It sounds like you need to make changes in your life because you are not managing your job/commuting, so maybe reflexology will be your New start.. good luck .. xx

  • Thank you let's see what happens I love doing my reflexology as I find I can relax as well

  • Looks although you've made a good start, SuzyB - I'm so glad to hear it!

    Keep going and you'll get there!

    Moffy x

  • Wow! What a selfish brute your husband is. Just tell him that you have as much right as he has to change your jobs, and it is about time he grew up. Reflexology sounds a really good choice, although you might find sitting leaning over feet will make your back hurt, so it might be useful to do another course as well - such as Alexander Technique or a teacher of meditation as well - so that you are not bending over all the time, and also it will help you to cope with your pain so it will be useful in that way, and also you will have a wider choice of clients because you can offer more services.

  • I'm going to learn Indian head massage as well

  • It seems to me you are working things out together.

    Re starting a therapy business from home.....it's expensive and takes time. People would rather go to have their hair or nails done than take care of their health and it takes about two years to set up a good client base and that is in good economic times. You need to do your sums. Take into account advertising, equipment, insurance, additional training (continuing professional development CPD) costs of belonging to professional bodies like FHT.

    Reflexology is better known than Bowen and may therefore attract more customers.

    On the plus side it's lovely to help people and to see them walk for a in for a follow up treatment with a big smile on their faces because they slept better, had less pain, felt better able to cope.

    Feel free to PM me if you go ahead and need any advice.

    Good luck.

  • Know what Suzy its you who has to make the changes, you've spoiled him rotten and behaved like his mum all these years. You now have a spoiled brat on your hands who will fight tooth and nail to keep everything as it was. Hes basically a weak man who to your own detriment has cocooned him from everything and all responsibilities of married life. Now any sign of you not able to cope sends torrents of fear through him. You are the rock of your family, you hold it together, you make it work and hold all the cards. Its time for him to grow up, wake up and act or lose what he cherishes. Hes been burying his head and denying anything thats happening to you. You really shocked him when you mentioned Relate, look at his reaction. Good for you, you have to change, you have given your life to your man and family but its not working anymore. So start making big changes starting with stop asking and start telling him how its going to be. Face his fears and show him the new plans, its time for you to take out a little of what you've put in for all these years. Sometimes love has to be tough, you're dealing with a teenager remember but he can grow up without the sulking and moaning. You have to make a list of his faults and tell him how he has to change as well as you. He'll fall in line no worries, feel the fear and do it anyway. xx

  • i agree with jennieccles, how would he like it if the shoe was on the other foot? he would take to his bed probably and want 24hour nursing!!! it should not be a matter of him letting you change jobs it is for you to decide not him he is not the boss of you ,you are a person in your own right with a brain of your own, you certainly don't need his permission, i think you neewd to stop letting him take advantage of you honey, you are not a slave, tell him if he loves you he would back you , i think you need to tell him this ,relate may be a way forward, i do feel he is doing the old ostrich act and sticking his head in the sand, he needs to face reality and ee that you are struggling and stop putting his needs above yours, i don't want to sound hard or upset you, but i think if he loves you and wants to be with you then he needs to have a word with himself and stop being self centred to be honest if that is his attiitude to you it sucks and you could do a lot better,as you sound like a lovely person remind him of the sickness and in health pledge he made in his wedding vows,,good luck sweetie, soft hugs xxx

  • Thanks. I've asked HR to refer me to the occupational health team as if I can get the income protection it makes sense as its upto 70% of my salary paid until I reach retirement

  • I understand that you love your husband. Fibromyalgia as you know is debilitating and we don't make enough energy. Because of this dreadful illness you will have to do things differently. I think it would be better for you to work at home in the long run. Also you would be able to have power naps of about 15 minutes or whatever time you needed to get your energy back. You would be less stressed. I think he will have to get used to it. Your needs come first. If you are overdoing it as I feel you are you may get to the point that you will be only be able to do less and less. With Fibromyalgia you should not push yourself at all. Your body can't take it as the resources are not there. You are important here, this change will help you to be you. This is your turning point. Love is acceptance and love allows you to be who you are and do what you have to do for YOU and your family. Love yourself and be kind to you a sweet lady who is suffering with Fibromyalgia. Nurture yourself and be determined to make things better for you.

  • Thinking back to how my dad was with my mum when she was ill....people deal with things in different ways. Could this be his way fo dealing with your fibro? Denial?? XX

  • I think it is total denial which is why I want to help him & work through it

  • I tend to agree.

    remember, people on here care and want to help, but only you know him, your relationship and how you feel. only you can decide what is best for you.

    you've taken huge steps in the past few days - sharing with us; looking into relate & suggesting it to your OH; and talking to HR, try & rest today.

    take care & keep in touch,

    hugs (( :) ))

    sandra.

  • Don't worry rest is all I'm capable of today. I did the shopping yesterday. So today is being spent on the sofa crocheting a scarf for my daughter

  • I can understand you still love your husband and want to make the marriage work!! BUT at what cost, the costs all seem to be down to you! (Sorry if I sound harsh? don"t mean to)!

    Honestly as we are all aware how difficult it is to live with this incidious Fibro without the added stress (of which we are suppose to aviod @ all costs!), I really don"t know how you do it, commute to work, do a full days work, food shopping, ect.ect. without being sounds like "Bullied" into staying at a job you find somewhat stressfull

    You said he has read up on the Fibro Site but in my opinion (and its only mine) I would have to say he is being very selfish, unrealistic, unsupportive of your needs, does"nt listen to you, your pleas for Reflexology Course which your half way through, seem to fall on deaf ears!!

    You say all your wages run the household and his go into a Savings Account, for what!! Holidays what are they when you have Fibro even if you do manage to get away in my experience I"ve either been too ill to enjoy them or have had to cancel many, We (husband & myself) have even given our payed holidays away because of my Fibro.

    It is not your fault you suffer with this illness and feel it very unfair of him to be putting HIS "what ifs" in place of you and your needs. He is putting an immense amount of pressure (that you don"t need) for a salery!! Sorry really can"t get my head around that one!

    My husband is no saint by any means but 7 years ago I was so ill, I could"nt even get out of bed without his assistance, in a wheelchair ect. My hubbie was advised by My Consultant to actually finish work to become my full-time Carer. He was only 47 years old, had a fantastic job with Salery to match! However it was"nt up for discussion, he went into work the following day and resigned on the spot, with immediate effect (Took holidays to work his notice).

    We have never lived on benefits before and used to a very high quality of living, 2 kids @ University, Mortgage etc to pay, but there was no question in the matter me and my illnesses came first, the rest would take care of itself he said, trust me. I did and we are still getting by on benefits, theres no pressure whatsoever on me, if I"m ill I"M ill, you are allowed to be ill, its not your fault!

    Ask yourself one question "If the shoe was on the other foot, and he had Fidro, would you seriously expect him not only to work but commute and do everything else he expects of you?" Only you can answer this question but it has to be truthfully?

    Try and write a list of Pros and Cons, seperate sheets of paper as to why you are still doing this job ect?

    Also the good idea of Reflexology something you seem very keen to qualify and Practice in,

    list Pros and Cons of doing something at your own pace that you could enjoy to do

    yourself!

    I agree strongly with the others about attending Relate for some sort of councelling. Surely you should"nt be fearful of telling him re your licience ect. Marriage is a two way Street, Its all about give and take. I hate to sound so harsh but it sounds like your doing all the giving and hes doing all the taking!

    Lifes not like that, If he is"nt up to Relate to save your marriage, don"t you think you owe it to yourself to question weather the love in your marriage is one way also!!

    I honestly would hate to see you guys split up but we only have one-life and its hard enough to live with Fibro but with NO support !!

    You could always seek advice on your own, as it seems you can"t turn to the one person in your life you should be able to, your husband!! For better or worse, in sickness and in health ect. I appreciate you take your marriage Vows with the love they were taken with, question is does HE????

    I sincerely wish you all the very best for your future, whatever the out-come. Just Pray its the right one for YOU>

    God Bless you

    Keep posting

    Love BB X

  • Thanks BB. Last night we had quite a scare my 19 yr old had her drink spiked while out. At one point she stopped breathing. We worked well as a team and dealt with it and fortunately she's now ok. But I know we can work together as a team. So I'm going to see how things go over the next couple of months before I push things further

  • Hi

    Has anyone thought that he is scared, I know I worked far to long and did to much damage because I was scared of losing my job, its the 'The Man Thing' I wanted the money the holidays, the fact that we did not have to worry about anything financially. Then I got Pneumonia and that wrecked me totally. all work gone. but although we are living (living?) on benefits we do cope, I do not go on holidays as it is a waste of time as I am to ill. we had a lovely Motorhome but we were not using it properly so that went.

    He could be scared of the fallback in the living standards as I know I was but as it was me the choice was made for us, we have coped and my wife has also had some real bad health problems things sort of show you the important things in life, like each other and make you think about how you would cope without her and it gives you perspective.

    Just another possibility of the reasons for his behaviour.

    Take care and Kindest regards

    Terry