Some advice please

Hi I noticed during the week there that my partner of 10 years was acting a bit odd but due to a flare up of my fibro my mind was elsewhere anyway today I found out from him that his best friend who has a disabled wife and two kids is having an affair. He even has gone to the length of buying a house for to see this woman. You must be thinking why am I so utterly gobsmacked and furious with my partner. He has been helping his friend get the new house ready for the past week and also lifting him and taking him to see this woman. I only found out all this a couple of hours ago, am lying in bed with a migraine and so angry that my partner has taken anything to do with it all. I feel so sorry for the girls who adore their father but who are going to be devastated when it all comes out and it will for these things always do also for his wife who had a car accident ten years ago and was left paralysed from the neck down. Now this family has known and trusted my partner for about thirty years. The girls love him to bits but thats the problem, what on earth are they and their mummy going to think of him when they find out he knew all about it. I'm fuming at my partner for being so stupid. He could have told his friend no sorry I cant do this to your family and took nothing to do with it. Am I over reacting folks or right to be so cross?

Kitty xx

30 Replies

  • hi kittyfisher, im new on here but i jus wanted 2 say i understand how angry you are but ur partner wudnt hav done this litely i think. hes been friends wit this man for years and im sure its been hard to deal wit all that his friend has gone thru. mayb he hoped that helpin his mate wud in some way keep this family 2gether. life is nevr easy r clear cut, black an white goes out the window

  • Hi charliegold

    welcome to the site its fantastic for all sorts of advice, support and to talk to people who are going through the same. I haven't been on it that long myself but don't know what I would do without all these friendly supportive people. They're all fab. Anyway i kind of get where your coming from and I know how tough life has been for this man since his wifes accident and my partner has always been there for his friend through the bad and the good but I just think what hes doing is wrong and cant get out of my head how hurt them poor girls will be if hes ever caught and I dont want my partner being a part of that. Also what it would do to that poor woman who through no fault of her own has had to endure 10 years of suffering and to find out that the man she married and loves could do that to her. I just hope for her and her girls sake that they never find out and as for my partner I just cant help being so angry with him.

    I've been in the same situation with a friend of my own who is married also has two girls and two years ago started having an affair but right at the start when she told me I told her I was taking nothing to do with it didnt want to hear about it and not to use me as any excuse when she was away seeing him. We still are good friends and shes still having the affair but what I'm basically saying is why couldn't my partner have done the same.

    Marriage vows- " in sickness and in health" obviously dont mean too much to my partners friend at this minute. I do feel sorry for him as i know what hes had to cope with all these years but its wrong what hes doing especially the fact that where he bought this other house is not too far from where him and his family live.

    Its been good to get all that off my chest but still have the migraine.

    Do you have fibromyalgia?

    Kitty xx

  • Hi Kitty, I hate to be the devil's advocate in all this but your partner clearly feels he has to support his friend, in the same way you felt you had to let your friend know that you didn't want to be involved. I'm afraid we can't make others feel and do the same things as we would like them to, and in the long run I think that is generally a good thing ! ............... However, I am in many many ways completely with you on this, it is not the way people should behave, but your partner is a grown man and he has to take the responsibility for his own actions, and I get the feeling that you may be banging your head against a brick wall in trying to change him over to your way of thinking, and all you are achieving is a worsening of your migraine, which I completely understand, I would be reacting in the same way.

    Maybe let the dust settle for a couple of days until your migraine has passed and then sit your partner down for a serious chat about how you feel in this situation and how it is impacting on you, and also your worries for the wife that is being cheated on.

    I am sorry if I am coming across as dictatorial, I certainly don't mean to, getting involved in other peoples disputes is never a good thing to my mind, so I do agree with you, but I also know realistically that isn't the way everyone sees it :o

    I'm sending you lots of positive healing vibes for your migraine and lots of strengthening vibes for your conversation with your partner........ Wishing you the very very best :-)

    Foggy x

  • Hi foggy how are you? Thank you for the healing vibes, they'll be well needed today. I totally get what your saying maybe I do want everyone else to think and be like my myself and i know it just cant be like that. I dont see you as being dictorial at all and your right when you say I'm banging my head against a brick wall if my partners friend said jump he would say how high. He actually spends more time nd always had done with his friend and family than me and ours and yeah at times that bothers me but I always had sympathy for this guy for what he has and does go through and thats why I have never complained about it but now this its just plain wrong and I wish he hadn't told me. Theres stuff going on within our own family and I just didn't need this. I can't even look at him this morning. Lifes never easy is it?

    Sending grateful hugs

    kitty xx

  • Awww bless you kitty, I do hope I didn't offend you :o I think when there are underlying issues, as you hint at, in your family, this sort of thing can be the catalyst for a bit of a blow up. You are so so right, life is never easy, just when you think an even patch lies ahead, something comes up out of nowhere and bumph %\|#}

    I am having big issues with my twin brother whose behaviour appals me, he has a friend who sticks with him through thick and thin, almost feeding into my brother's problem, but when I ask him to man up and confront my brothers' behaviour, he can't/won't, which is very frustrating as he is a very clever man who I would have thought would have been the first one to tell my brother that his behaviour is out of order, but no...... Hey ho :o :o :o

    Sending plenty more healing vibes your way :-)

    Foggy x

  • Hi kittyfisher

    I sincerely hope that you are beginning to feel better after your shock? I am also so sorry about how your partner has made you feel, and it is quite understandable that you feel the way that you do. I can only imagine (from my male perspective) that your partner felt a sense of loyalty and obligation to his friend but that does not justify his actions. I was wondering if you have told your partner exactly how it has made you feel? Right down to the nuances of being able to look these people in the eye or hold a conversation with them without you feeling that you are hiding something from them? If I were you I would tell your partner exactly this and that you feel so uncomfortable lying on his behalf. I was also wondering if you feel that because of his actions that your partner has betrayed your trust? After all, he helped his friend behind your back?

    I sincerely hope that you are able to talk openly with him and explain all of these things and find some resolution that you both can live with.

    Take care my friend

    Ken x

  • Hi ken how are you today? I always read your replies to people whose looking advice and your always so good at it. You could be an agony uncle but you'll have enough agonies of your own to contend with. Anyway I am still gobsmacked by all this and I did tell him last night exactly how I felt about it all but I knew exactly what his reaction would be and that was to defend his friend. No matter what he has always put this friend before me. If I had something planned which is once in a blue moon and his friend phoned looking him hes off and I'm left feeling hurt and angry once again. I do feel like hes betrayed my trust because when he told me it was that much of a shock he would have been as well saying he was with another woman it actually felt that bad to think that he could and is helping someone to do what hes doing. Does that sound stupid? I just feel so strongly about it and I wouldn't be one to repeat it to any of my friends/family for I don't want to be the one responsible for that poor woman and them kids to have their world turned upside down by this mans dreadful antics. Then in turn their going to know that my partner knew all about it and where does that leave me? Feeling downright awful. My heads all over the place with it all.

    Thanks ken

    kitty x

  • Hi kittyfisher

    Thank you so much for your kind words, I am quite overwhelmed that you think I am any good at the advice bit! I sincerely hope that you are feeling a bit better and that your migraine has eased; I have migraines and they last for days so I know exactly how unpleasant they are. I have had a leisurely day, as my wife who suffers with MS had a bit of a mishap at the weekend so we have spent the day together watching day time TV, I hate it but she loves the cop shows.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken x

  • Hi kittyfisher that's so sad and I would like you feel really angry if I found out my husband had helped someone to deceive their wife and it's even worse that his wife is disabled and her children are so fond of your husband! Unfortunately if he wants to leave his wife nothing you can do to stop it but I think if it was me I'd be furious with your husband too. It's so very sad! I don't know what to suggest other than it would be best if your husbands friend tells his wife he's leaving and doesn't drag this out further than necessary. It's so sad! I think your husband has deceived you too in being part of this. I'm so sad for you all!


  • Hi moonstonebright

    how are you? Do you know the worst thing out of all this, hes not leaving his wife and kids. He bought this other house to see the other woman in. Thats why am so angry and shocked by my partner taking any part in this. Its so wrong. How on earth can my partner sit in his friends home and look that woman and them kids in the eyes and pretend nothings going on. Its disgusting. I cant even look at him this morning. I haven't a clue where to go from here. Thank you for your input in all this


    kitty xx

  • i think your emotions are totally natural, and also perhaps intensified 'cause your situation gives an insight into just how horrible this is for his wife/family. in a way, i also have some sympathy for his friend. it's tough caring for disabled, tougher for a spouse, who has also lost his wife as she was. this does not excuse his behaviour but can go some way to understanding it. it must have been really difficult as well for your partner in wanting to support his friend but knowing his family situation. if your partner was behaving oddly, he may well have been in conflict about what to do. maybe he was also thinking this arrangement could be kept private, his friend would still be able to continue to care for his family. to us, sounds disgusting, but in my experience men dont see things the way we do.

    i hope you and your partner can talk this through. i think he may have had good intentions. i would hate for this to affect your relationship when too many people are going to be hurt by this already. i wish you well, take good care of yourself and your migraine! xx

  • Thank you very much, trying to talk it through with my other half but the more he's telling me the worse its getting. Still got the migraine its not for leaving me at all today.

    Thanks again

    kitty xx

  • Hello Kitty,

    May I ask? Are you sure that the partner is being deceitful, you may find that he has been open and she loves him that much to let him go. I cannot comment as I do not know them or anything about the situation as Foggy says it is difficult to comment on personal relationships and situations.

    However in the general population you have heard of disabled partners having open relationships where by the partner still looks after the family but has another relationship. Only they know whether this is the case and I wonder whether considering asking your partner if his wife knows might be your first question maybe??

    Emma :)

    FibroAction Administrator

  • Hi emma

    hes definately being deceitful. I only wish what you're saying was the case here then I'd totally understand what hes doing.

    Kitty x

  • Hi Emma :) my line of thinking also.

  • HI Kittyfisher, the whole situation is awful and I'm not surprised you're disgusted by your partners part in this. I don't think there's much you can do other than ask your partner to try and persuade his friend to tell his wife but if he wont, you need to think whether you can tell her. The thing is that will be so hard for you to do and you need to decide whether you think it's for the best to tell her. She's going to find out sometime I would think but not easy for you to be the one to tell her. I think if I was her i'd rather know sooner rather than later as it isn't going to turn out well for her either way by the sound of it. There is nothing else can you do it is just so sad!

    Unfortunately we can't stop people falling in love with someone else but this doesn't make it right and your partners involvement even though he's been helping his friend is hard for you to accept. The main thing is that even though you don't agree with your partners part in this don't let it affect your relationship if you can help it, it's not worth that. Best wishes


  • I am going to play devil's advocate, if I may.

    I don't see this as being decietful or untrustworthy. Your husband has shared this with you possibly because he himself feels conflicted about it, and I'm guessing the fact you got angry with him has made him defensive.

    The friend may well be hiding an affair from his disabled wife, but it could be worse...he could have left her and stopped loving her, stopped caring for her, and taken the kids away from her too. This way, he gets to have a release for his own emotional and physical needs, without it being in the face of his wife or, indeed, their children. He may actually be in love with this "other woman". The wife and kids never need know or be hurt by it, discretion is called for in this circumstance.

    OK, eventually it may come out, and I'm not saying they should *never* know, just that, if they are young children who would be hurt by their father's actions, then it's best all round for him (and others) to keep quiet about it.

    If it were me, I like to think that if I were unable to actively participate in a relationship, that I would allow my partner to fulfill his needs - emotional and physical - elsewhere in a secondary stable and loving relationship, with the understanding that he never abandon me, than to have him going out off after purely phsical release wherever he could find it. And this way he gets to keep caring for her and stay by her side, and they both get to have day day to contact with their children. win win really.

  • Hi ukwahine

    I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one but thank you for your reply

    kitty x

  • It sounds as if you have taken all you can cope with for the time being. migraine will never improve with so much pressure. would it be possible to call a truce, back off, treat your migraine (I use sumatriptan from my gp) and rest up 'til you feel better? he may feel some guilt over his part in this terrible mess, whether he would admit it or not is another question.

    you cant do anything about what has happened. all you can do in the here & now is take care of yourself. Tulip xx

  • Dont know about that but going to have to forget about it for the time being and try to get rid of this migraine. I take sumitriptan myself and their usually very good but thats two migraines recently and they don't seem to be doing their usual good work at taking them away. Hot water bottle works at times for me, cant think of having to get up and get it but am going to have to. Thank you for your help and advice your exactly right in what you say.


    kitty x

  • sorry Kitty, just wanted to add, your partner is a grown man, you are not responsible for his behaviour. if you feel you will be dragged into it all and judged by this poor family, I think if it was me, i would make it clear to people, you were not involved, new nothing about it until too late, and def. dont agree with it. please try to get some rest now. xx

  • Hate to be the one to say it - but are you sure this man hasn't discussed this issue with his wife? Many couples where one is disabled come to an understanding. Your anger at your man however is more easily understood. If this is what partners of disabled people do, whose to say it might not happen to any of us.

  • Hello Whippetlover,

    Great minds think alike! I asked the same question unfortunately apparently this is not the case in this situation, although these arrangements are often made between couples.

    Emma :)

    FibroAction Administrator

  • Hi Whippetlover :)

    I agree that this is also possible, my line of thinking. :)

  • Hi whippetlover

    In this case no. I know that for definite. If only this poor woman did know would make things so much easier for me. I had it out with my other half last night again because there was so much I needed to get off my chest over it all and I definitely felt better for doing so though I just cant get it out of my head as yet. More so my partner as I can honestly say trust between us was never an issue. Trusted him 100% but somehow I feel so let down by him and yes I have questioned myself as to what he could be capable of. I don't know how long his friend has been having the affair or anything about her, my other half is keeping a lot to himself which is baffling me ( and i am the kind of person who never repeats anything i'm told) not that I really want to know but the reason to why its annoying me is this friend few times last year kept going off for weekends and taking my other half with him. You see I know he would have been able to get away for an odd weekend and his wife would have had a carer in to look after her but it got to about the last 8 months he was going away more and more frequent and I was always led to believe him and my partner were heading to Scotland but now I've got in my head were they? Was my other half up to no good along with his friend? They might not even have left the country to go to another. My mind might be over thinking here but I've known that family for ten years and they went places as a family for weekends or a week at a time up until as I said the past 8 months and this man and my other half were away often. I'm lying here in bed and am trying to think where and when my partner was at the weekend when his mate was up to no good and I cant even think. You see my other half in the ten years we've been together has actually spent more time with that family than our own. It hurt at times but I never complained once due to the circumstances now its going to get to me when he does be with his friend. Too much going on in my head I need to stop it. I'll drive myself crazy but I don't need all this I've enough problems of my own.

    Thank you


    kitty x

  • Hello Kitty :)

    I think resting up in a dark room by yourself for a while is the best thing to do right now so that you can try to shift the migraine.

    I've read through everything here and no-one is right and no-one is wrong. The fact is that we don't have all the facts so all we are all doing is assuming, presuming or maybe even accusing, which is never good. :o

    I really do hope this situation sorts itself and am sorry that you've 'un-beknowingly' ended up involved or tangled up in someone else's relationship issues, oh! I really do feel for you there!

    I lost a good friendship last year through something similar and now I don't even want to know her as I've seen her true colours. However that didn't make or doesn't mean that I wasn't upset or hurt or lost as a result of it all because I was. I grieved it :o

    The prospect of losing a friendship is awful and heart wrenching especially if its had nothing to do with you as in your case. I don't actually know what is the best thing to do as its up to you and your husband to decide together, remember there is always more than one side to a story ;)

    Sending migraine busting fluffies for you and really do hope it sort itself out soon too

    Take care Kitty :) xxxsianxxx :)

  • Hi zeb

    Its hard isnt it? To know someone for as long and I know what this family have all been through since the accident 10 years ago and I know how hard its been especially for this man and he has done a fantastic job of looking after his wife and bringing their two girls up and I really do admire him for that for it has been a struggle and continues to be and my other half has been there for him throughout it all whenever he needed a talk or help or to go somewhere for him etc and hes the loveliest man and has helped us through some bad times but to know what hes doing has changed my opinion of him so much. I know he needs an escape from his everyday life but not this and in the way hes went about it e.g. buying a house specifically for that purpose and only miles from his family. I just cant get over it. To top off that my other half all last week was running back and forth to this new house helping get it ready and finished for his friend for the weekend. I found that out yesterday. That sickened me. Theres being a good friend and helping someone but there has to be a point surely when you have to say no to some things.

    Thank you zeb for the fluffies I sure need them

    Hugs and more hugs gentle ones of course

    kitty xx

  • Sorry zeb I just wanted to say to you and all the other good people that have replied to me that the reason I posted this problem for advice is I have no other people to talk to. When my conditions got worse and I wasn't able to do the things I had been doing my friends would have come to my house but as time has gone by that got less and less. Its been a good while now since I last saw or heard from them. My family all live in Scotland and I wouldn't want to share this with them anyway. I just wanted you all to understand my reasons for posting such a personal matter. I would be going stir crazy if I couldn't talk to someone about it. Thanks again. Much appreciated to all

    kitty xx

  • Same here hun :) I have my husband and a few friends left but they're dotted about all over.

    One thing for sure Kitty is that there's always an armful or two of support here :) How's the migraine? has it subsided any

    Issues like this will always affect our condition because of the stress they cause us............... cause and effect.............. it will roll and roll until we grasp it. That's easier when we're in control to begin with but this time your a bystander and not in control. I must admit I'd have gone bonkers with my OH for keeping it secret as it always makes me suspicious of him when he is..................... terrible liar and gives himself away all the time while I'm left feeling out of the loop and wondering what it is that I've done wrong !?!

    Then we end up arguing :o lying is not good :( neither is sneaking about :(

    ....................try not to mull it over and over and please, if a window of opportunity arises to explain how this all makes you feel sick, take it, but again remember there's always more than one side to a story !!!

    I'm no GP or medical professional but you must remember to attend to you kitty and your needs this means keep to as normal a routine as you can manage but remember to have rest breaks and practice relaxation to help with the anxiety/stress as well as your pain and discomfort. Distract yourself with the things you like to do be it watch a tv show or two, play a pc game (Thats what I do.... a lot :o ) puzzle books................ you know what I mean ;) It's hard to keep distracted but you can train yourself to be better at it with plenty of practice :)

    Thankyou for the soft hugs very much appreciated hunny xxx

    Sending some back-up migraine busting fluffies to hopefully see it off :) Take care hunny :) xx

  • No wonder you're suffering in all this.

    My only question is LOVE or LUST?

    Matters of the heart can be so complex and contorted. I feel for everyone in this, which doesn't help.

    I can only echo Emma's comments.

    Basically what's happening is wrong, but it may be their way of coping, though I find deceit hard to justify in any situation. I'm not in the midst of it and am grateful. :(

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