In a dark and dreary place...

[Cape_Cod_Sharon]

Hello everyone,

I'm in a depression I just cannot shake. I try so hard to NOT feel sorry for myself, and I'm not so sure that's exactly what I am doing, but it's part of it.

This cirrhosis diagnosis was nearly my 'final straw'. After more than 25 years of asking "what happens next?" I have been sick with one affliction after another... after another... after another for all of these years. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I may have run out of "What next's"

I am so thankful for my family and friends, my online family and friends, my generous, kind and thoughtful best friend/mate John, my best gay friend Bruce [he's the best!] who stops in and checks on me almost every morning on his way to work. I love him so.

But this dark cloud has fallen down on me and I just cannot shake it off.

I see my gastroenterologist next Monday to discuss doing the liver biopsy. I have great faith in him, he is very intelligent and he promised me that he won't stop digging until we have all the answers. And I believe him.

I have researched liver biopsy so I know what to expect. The entire process takes several hours, I may bring my chromebook with me. Or my tablet [it's smaller and will fit in my purse] Send me happy thoughts and warm gentle healing hugs, maybe that's all I really need [obviously the chocolates didn't help] :b

~Sharon--- feeling blue on Cape Cod

[Shibby89]

Ow no I'm so sorry ur feelin like this and I'm sendin lots of gentle hugs, I no it's hard but I believe ur a strong person i am always here if u would like a chat I have depression, anxiety and border split personality as well as the fibromyalgia so I no it's horrid. I really hope u can find these answers an I will send out some prayers and keep my fingers crossed love sue

[Fibrolife]

Prayers changes everything, GOD IS GOOD!

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to Fibrolife]

I pray all the time. For a very good amount of people. [and for my own health]

[Shibby89 in reply to Cape_Cod_Sharon]

Hi I'm not massively religious but at the same time I believe this has to be some sort of test, the man himself must think we can take this, sorry if I sound weird. A prayer at night may easy mind, I hope u are having a easer time of it as iv been thinkin of u a lot cape cod love shib xx

[cespinosa]

Hello Sharon, I feel so bad for you I'm also a what next person. I find It's very hard to get out of a depression episode if you dont keep busy or to much time alone. At night is when I worry but make myself do something Netflix ,music, cuddle and play with the dogs there always happy for the attention. Your lucky to have grandchildren bet there great cuddler😁 Trikki's has me looking into drawing a certain way called Zen something can't remember sorry. You sound as if you found a great dr. I'm glade. hope all goes well. Your pic says alot I sometimes forget how feeling good feels then my son walks in and I feel good😄Sending you a gentle hug.xx. Chris💮

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to cespinosa]

I found Zentangle. This would take your mind off your troubles if even for a few minutes. ~S

[Andypandy30 in reply to Cape_Cod_Sharon]

What works for you Sharon ?

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to Andypandy30]

My grandbabies. Time flies by and they keep me so busy.

Writing....sometimes.

Driving...if I'm not too distracted

[Andypandy30 in reply to Cape_Cod_Sharon]

How lucky you are to be able to drive it's something I could ever do and it holds me back so much . You are so lucky to have your grandchildren . Also . It is hard to be upbeat all the time . But a child just accepts what comes next . The wonder and awe of a child is much to be amazed at . I sometimes try to see things from their perspective . Just accepting what is coming next . I need to remind myself daily tho . Writing is wonderful it's one of my favourites . You should write about your grandchildren and how in awe you are of them . Xxx

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to cespinosa]

I think I have pretty much played out Netflix. Ran out of movies and Originals and series to watch. Sometimes I get caught up in a good season of something, John will sit with me and start watching and before you know it we are on episode 5 and it's 1:15 AM [[Must love binge-watching]]

Ah...then there is always Hulu.

[BlueMermaid3]

Hi Sharon

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a deep depression.

I can fully empathise with you as I have suffered Clinical Depression for all of my adult life.

I have been on antidepressants for many years, but despite this can still find myself sliding into deep depressions.

Do you mind me asking you if you take any antidepressants at all?

Personally I don't think that there is anything wrong at all by feeling sorry for ourselves.

Due to the nature of Fibro we can look so well, but inside we are broken and in pain.

I am sending you heaps of positive warm vibes and will keep you in my prayers.

I hope your biopsy goes as well as it possibly can.

Be kind to yourself my friend

Hugs Lu xx

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to BlueMermaid3]

BlueMermaid,

A comforting moniker.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I can usually catch myself before I slip in too deep. It's just this last diagnosis has me reeling. There really is no good outcome,

People [friends in my community who are aware of my illness] always say "Oh! You look so good!" My usual response is "Thank you, I feel like crap."

For the longest time when someone asked "How are you?" my typical response would be a quick "Fine!" But I don't do that anymore, if you ask the question I am going to give you my best honest answer.

And I do take a low dose [25 mg] amitriptyline at bedtime, it's supposed to help me stay asleep. I am already on so many meds I cannot stand the thought of adding more or increasing dosages. But I will talk to my GP on my weekly visit [next Tuesday]. Yes, I'm lucky to live where I live. I see my GP once a week and my insurance pays for it. [100%]

I just hit my "pharmacy cap" on prescription medications. That means I have had over 250 prescriptions filled since the beginning of this year. So, I have no co-pays on medications until 1/1/2018

This is exactly what I mean about not wanting to add more pills to my daily regimen.

I will happily accept all sent hugs, gentle or otherwise. They will always make me feel better, if even for the briefest of moments. Thanks.

<3 Sharon

[Hidden]

Oh hun. I understand that feeling well, was there myself when I had to give up work again. Thinking of you and sending hugs, hopefully you'll feel a little better once the biopsy is out of the way.xx

[Kitten-kat23]

You are not alone. I see my specialist today, to be diagnosed officially with cirrhosis of the liver. I was told when I had my scan, but I haven't seen my consultant until today. Thinking of you. Hugs.

[BlueMermaid3 in reply to Kitten-kat23]

Hi KK

Good luck with your appointment with the Specialist today.

Please let us know how you get on.

Hugs Lu xx

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to Kitten-kat23]

Oh dear kitten-kat23,

I am really so sorry to hear you are on the same boat with me. ANY liver disease is a terrible thing. I wish you all the best and will say an extra prayer for you [and your liver]

~Sha

[Kitten-kat23 in reply to Cape_Cod_Sharon]

I will return the favour. It went well this morning.

Thinking of you. Hugs.x

[lou59]

hi sharon

firstly sending you bucket fulls of hugs at this very difficult time 🌻

be gentle with yourself I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself at all. it sounds more like grieving for how things have been and the future. you have had many years of struggling- you sound a very strong lady!!! who recognises the love of friendship around you. take a deep breathe please and give yourself a warm hug, put some good music on as loud as you like and go for a bubble bath read something you enjoy whilst relaxing.

we forget to be kind to ourselves when in pain instead being too hard on ourselves.

I wish you all the best sharon

lou xx

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to lou59]

Thanks Lou, sending hugs right backatcha

[Creativeness1]

Hi Cape_Cod_Sharon I am so sorry to here this I am sending you my love and hugs depression is so horrible but please be proud posting on its own when you are feeling like this is a huge achievement and you should be proud of yourself. Hope the biopsy goes well and you can then begin to get some rest.

Sending huge hugs.

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to Creativeness1]

Thank you for the hugs. I just have to get through the next few weeks, at least then this beast will have some definition. And I will know what I am up against and can make my battle plans.

~S

[Yippity]

Sharon, I am so sorry to read your story, I also have Fibromyalgia and other conditions. For most of my adult life I had depression but for the last 5 years I have been free of it. I will pray that this also happens for you because I know that God healed me. My heart goes out to you and I will pray that you get through your liver biopsy and that God shows you His love every moment of your life. kind regards, Andrea

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to Yippity]

Thank you. You are kind and compassionate.

[debs012]

Have your Grandchildren visit for a tea party. Watching them all interact with each other is magical and heals the heart.

xxx

[Cape_Cod_Sharon in reply to debs012]

They are 23 months and 5 months...maybe next Spring [??]

[Fallabella]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so desperately unhappy. Depression is a hard thing to go through and my love is with you.

I'm sorry I cannot make you better but I. Sending you lots of love and hugs for a brighter day to blaze through those horrible dark clouds.

Love to you xx

[TheAuthor]

Hi Cape_Cod_Sharon

I am so genuinely sorry to read this my friend and I want to sincerely wish you all the best of luck, and please take care of yourself.

All my hopes and dreams for you

Ken