49yr old mom husband left me because of my disease

I had to move cross country for support of my family. I am unable to get upstairs to use kitchen and to shower. I can't afford a step lifter. As any one her of a portable shower? I need to figure something out soon. My husband moved in with an old ex after leaving us on 12/21. His very classy girlfriend dislayed pics on 12/31 on Facebook and that is how our 11 yr old son found out

14 Replies

  • Morning You certainly have had a rough ride. I hope today will be better for you. I am afraid I have never heard of a portable shower - sounds very messy not ideal!. You sound as if you are stuck downstairs is there no way you could have a room on the same feel vas the kitchen and the bathroom.

    Rotten way for your son t o find out but he loves you and will survive and grow as long as you show him your love.

    Where do you live is it England or america?


  • Gms

  • I live in USA . Was California now back to Connecticut the judge award me full physical custody with the right to move. Ty for the well wishes. To pack up a house that we lived in , try to sell what I can with no means of replacing, then getting a moving co. And storage in ct plus get on a plane with my son and feel tremendous guilt was so hard, but I feel like my tank is empty. We have been fighting about alimony I only asked for $250.00 per month and he spent want to give anything . He said he can't afford it. He grosses $60,000 per year and I get $ 895.00 ssd a month. Didn't stop him from having 2other kids with women he wasn't married to. 1 before me than we got married had our son, then he had an affair with a married woman and when our son was 3 months old he got her pregnant I found out by him getting served paternity papers. I stayed by his side for our sons sake . What a fool. I feel used up and no one will ever want me 49 and done with male companionship

  • Oh that was nice for your son. Some people are just stupid. The only place I can suggest you look for a portable shower would be a caravan/camping suppliers on line. To be honest I havent heard of them either. Its good you have some family around you. Stay strong.

  • Hi there gibz if a husband can leave you because of your condition then he's not worth having in the first place, I can't climb stairs either I've had a shower put in downstairs in the kitchen and loo, and like the others I haven't heard of a portable shower, how would the water run away, do you live in England ....sending you gentle hugs ....Dee x

  • I can't afford to do any construction. I think this was partially a mid life crisis, and it is a lot more fun to run around and party and vacation with his younger gf who doesn't require any extra help. I have had MS for 20 years and he knew it from day one of our relationship. I have only started using walker and electric chair for distance for the last 3 year. Before that I did everything around house. I never had him take care of my personal need. He promised riight up to the time he left that he loved me and would be right next to me. No I don't live in Englad

  • Hello Gbiz.

    Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time at the moment. My instinct is to agree with Cookie about your husband but it's how you feel which is important. It must have been awful for your son to find out the way he did. Facebook can be so good in some aspects but it isn't discreet. Your son will be ok and it's good that you have each other.

    Like all the others I haven't heard of a portable shower. Are you living with family at the moment? Would you be able to have a shower fitted downstairs? Or would you be able to find a place where everything is on one level?

    It is good you have your family around to help out.

    Take care, I wish you both peace.

    Is xx

  • Lass, Ty for all the good wishes. My 11yr old is my concern. You can read the rest of my story if you would like. But growing old by myself scares me and I still feel that I have so much to give

  • Hi Gibz, so sorry to hear about this, and yes I know how it is to worry about your child???I have five......I also havnt heard of a portable shower! but what I do when I can't use my shower due to pain( have Rhumatoid Arthritis etc etc)..... I use wet wipes. Baby wipes when I'm In a flare up....I had no choice, OR I stand by my bathroom sink and do a quick wash of the important parts.....no choice sometimes, but better than doing nothing.........maybe that may help you? I hope so, you will still be clean......regards your son, he knows you love him, that's what is important, I always think it's best to be honest with a child, depending on age, and at age 11 he will understand what is going on around him....will Jin. Dad ever see him? If yes, then support him I that, IF no, then I would be honest with him and tell hi how life will be now....from sounds of it, much better as you're closer to family.....I feel honesty is the best bet, as he will need your trust...let him know you have a disability and perhaps as he's the ' Man of the House' now that he can help tidy up etc, that won't be too hard on him, might make him proud that he's the man of the house, so to speak,.....lots of children help their mums, and maybe he can help you more too, ?........let us know how you get on...Tc Jill UK

  • Hi again. It is tough when you're on your own with children. I'm in a similar position with a 13 and 7 year old, but I'm fortunate that my health is a bit better than yours.

    We worry about our kids so much but all we can do is to be there for them and support them. My 13 year old goes through times when he is upset and angry about things which have happened. He has had some group therapies and I'm thinking of getting him some more. Would your sons school be able to help?

    You do have a lot to give still, but you have to get through this patch first and get you and your son back on the right track. You certainly sound to me that you will get there. Then you can take the next steps and build your confidence up to where you want to be.

    I sometimes worry about being left by myself when the kids grow up. You and I both have a few years to go before that could be a possibility. It isn't good to worry about something until there is a reason to.

    You seem to have a good relationship with your son and your family are around you so that is good.

    I'm around most days so if you want to send a personal message then feel free.

    Is xx

  • Gbiz716. What a tough and difficult story to read, I do understand how difficult relationships can be when a wife is ill and the strain for family and working life, My late wife had health problems throughout our marriage of only 13 years.

    I nursed her and supported her needs, worked full time, And cared for our young children and their school work.

    Cooking and washing, Household chores and shopping was things that were done in any spare time I could manage after my working day...... Cooking and ironing was often done in the late evening, Shopping at lunchtime during work.

    These are the duty's of marriage Full stop........ The promise's you make to each other on your wedding day.........

    And uphold your duty to the end of life, My wife died in hospital with me by her side. I requested that I remove all the drip tubes and life support aids at her bedside...That is my duty...and a final wash with her hair brushed and a small dab of perfume to complete my final duty..

    A man that cannot stand by his wife and children in this life is..... NOT A MAN..... you are better to live your life on your own and give your love and support to your children.....

    You should not worry about being on your own and growing old without someone by your side, You have a young

    11 year old with you, Let him grow to be a loving young man, Share and talk to him about your concern's they know more about life than you might think, Live your life and support each other.

    My life and duty's to my children is life long... That's the duty of a father,.... I have fulfilled my duty to my wife,........

    Prehape's one day I will meet a new partner and again as.... A MAN.......Love and support will continue for each other.

    I wish you the very best wishes, And let your young boy to grow into a loving supportive MAN...

    Bless you both.

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  • I am sorry if my story opened any wounds, but thank you for validating how I feel a marriage should be. He did have the extra burden of shopping and having to load my walker or wheelchair in the car for the last 3yrs. I still tried to do the cooking, bathroom, vacuuming and always school work with our son. No matter how I felt I never missed any of our sons events. What I asked for was loyalty, respect, love and to be by my side when my time comes.

    You are a real MAN and I want my sons and future son in law to have those same principles and character

    Thank you for stepping up. What an honorable examples to your family

  • Hi Gbiz,

    I am so sorry for you, what a truly awful time you've had & none of it your fault! Your estranged husband sounds like a douch, to be honest & you & your son are better off without him! I can feel how scared & bewildered you must be at the moment, so you should give yourself plenty of time to come to terms with everything that has happened. The end of a relationship can cause feelings that are akin to grief, especially as he was declaring his love to you until the time he left, so respect your feelings & and don't bottle things up.

    You should be proud of the way you have handled this, even though you are so poorly you have started to make solid plans for you & your son's future. You have put all your energy into this & you have kept your dignity. You sound like a wonderful, caring person & I'm sure you're not on the scrap heap yet! Let things settled down & answer any questions your son might have with honesty. With regards to his relationship with his father, please don't be tempted to bad-mouth your husband in front of your boy, although it will be tempting, it's just not worth it in the long run! He loves his father & this won't change, unless he lets your son down, in which case, your boy will come to his own conclusions about him!

    In the meantime, you must take things easy & try to let go of the guilt you're feeling, as it's not your fault that you have your illness & a philandering husband! Anybody would buckle under such pressure, so don't do yourself down, you say you feel that you're running on empty-well that's not surprising! Ask your family for help & let your son build his relationships with your side of the family, which will be a positive experience for him.

    Regarding your care needs, somebody mentioned using baby wipes to clean yourself, I also have to do this when I'm in so much pain I can't even make it to the bathroom. It is an excellent way of feeling clean & fresh, so maybe this could help you solve at least one of your problems in the short term? I do hope that your family will offer you unconditional love & support, if so, you can recover in your own time, safe in the knowledge that you have a safety net & being able to be yourself too. You can always come to this site for support, there will always be somebody to help you out or just to listen to you, if that's what you need. Distance is irrelevant here, we all know that pain & trauma are experienced the same, no matter where you live.

    I'm sending you love & (((hugs))), and I hope we have been able to ease your mind a little bit. Take care, love Tracey xxxxxx

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