helpful stories

[Jrss1]

Hi everyone, a friend of mine gave birth to a baby girl 2 months ago by donor egg. She says she loves the baby and is very happy she finally has a baby after years of failed attempts but she says she doesn’t feel she is hers because she is not related by DNA - does anyone out there who has given birth to a baby via donor egg have any advice for her. She also feels that when the baby is old enough to know she was conceived by a donor egg that my friend will feel that she’s not really her mom. I’m not much help to her so I thought I would reach out to this amazing community and see if anyone could help. Thanks for reading

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely,

That's rough for your friend. I'm sorry she's feeling like that.

I didn't use DE but from my own experience it can take a while to bond with your baby, even if they are your DNA.

When my little was born I was convinced that there had been a mix up at the clinic as he didn't look like either myself or my husband - in fact we both felt like this but only admitted it later on. I expected the full rush of love for him, especially as we'd been through hell to get him - but honestly I didn't feel it - I felt overwhelmed and exhausted emotionally.

I guess my point is that it took a while for me to really bond with him and get to know him. I think we forget that its not a given and that bond isn't always automatic.

I would say to your friend to give it some time - she's likely still going through hormone hell too - it took me at least 3 months for my hormones to settle a bit and that first year was so hard. I doubt that much of the decisions that I made during that time made much sense!

She may find that further down the line she won't actually feel like that anymore.

xx

[Jrss1 in reply to Millbanks]

Thanks for your reply Millbanks. I will share this with her. Yes she probably is still hormonal. I just feel sorry for her as she has wanted a baby for so long and to see her going through this now is tough. I just thought I’d reach out to others who have had babies via donor. Hope you are well xx

[Jrss1]

Hi Greenleaves,

She went through every option possible. I suppose until you go through something you don’t know how you will feel. She loves the baby and she is a great mom to her, I guess it’s the unknown for the future. I just was asking for advice to give her and if anyone had gone through similar feelings.

[Fruitandflowers]

Agree with Millbanks - it's hard to admit after everything we've been through but I did not get that rush of love and instant bond when my baby was born, and she was our own egg and sperm. I thought maybe it was because we ended up separated quite a bit the first week as she became very unwell, and then couldn't feed for the first couple of months so I was often on my own pumping, handing over bottle to someone, back to pumping... I was worried that the connection had been broken at a critical time. I could see she was lovely and I definitely knew she was genetically mine (she looked just like me too), and I wasn't depressed, but I just didn't get what everyone else was talking about. It took maybe 5-6 months if I'm honest for me to feel any kind of bond. Until then it was just mechanical and survival. It's got much stronger but I'm still not gushing and gooey eyed, and I do wonder if I lack some critical maternal gene that other Mums seem to have, but I think she's wonderful and love her to bits. And I'm expecting my second and they're so wanted, but I am prepared this time not to expect bluebirds and magic - it's not an advert and birth and what comes next is bloody hard. So maybe it will be the same for your friend and the bond will grow with time. She birthed her and her body created her. If someone told me now there had been a mix-up with my eggs and my daughter wasn't genetically related to me there's not chance I'd part with her, because she's mine, genetics or not x

[Jrss1 in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Hi Mrs Orangejuice,

Hope you are well & congrats on number 2 - delighted to hear that news. As always thank you for your honest and personal story. It’s so refreshing when I read your posts. When are you due? xx

[Fruitandflowers in reply to Jrss1]

That's kind of you Jrss1, thank you. Due early May.I just think after everything we've gone through the last thing we need is pressure to live up to an impossible image. I've noticed a real theme on here that women who've been through infertility and trauma feel they have to be constantly 'extra' happy they've finally managed to have a baby, that they should be stoic and never complain, or say anything that may come across like they are ungrateful, when actually they're just in the same boat as every other new mum - they are happy and grateful they've had a healthy child, but their bodies, hormones and emotions, and what they've physically just done, are no different. I also found after my baby was born that I had a lot of false expectations around what I 'should' be feeling and experiencing, or how breastfeeding 'should' be wonderful and bonding, and all come naturally. And it made me feel like I was lacking in some way. And added to the guilt. Everyone's experience will be different but trying to live up to an impossible standard just when you are most tired and vulnerable, and when all the trauma and memories of IVF and loss might have been re-triggered, is not helpful or necessary. This time around I am comortable to complain, a lot, including because it took me so much time and pain to get to this stage, and i've no interest in preserving some false societal image of maternal bliss and will happily do my bit to smash that 😊

[Jrss1 in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Hi Mrs Orangejuice,

You have hit the nail on the head! When I had my little boy, (after a lot of heartache) I felt a lot of pressure to be the perfect mom. I would see other moms out on walks with their babies, beautifully groomed coffee in hand and I was looking at them wondering how they are doing it while I was there exhausted, looking a mess and no desire to be around others. I too found it stressful to breastfeed. I got there with the help of a fabulous lactation nurse but I felt embarrassed that it didn’t come naturally like a lot of my friends said. So yes, I totally agree, what you see and read out there is not all true. Being a mom is dam hard and no one should be ashamed to reach out and ask for help. Wishing you the best of luck with number 2, looking forward to hearing he/she has arrived safely. 😘

[Kitkat10]

hi, I am pregnant with a DE baby and I joined the donor conception network so that I could talk to and listen to other mums with donor conceived children. I find it hugely helpful and very comforting to know there are so many families in the same situation. Lots of help and practical tips and stories to share. I would recommend them when your friend is ready xx

[Jrss1 in reply to Kitkat10]

Hi Kitkat10,

Thank you for sharing that information. I will pass it on. It’s just I feel so helpless when she confides in me and I don’t really have the answers. I’m so happy for you and wish you all the luck in the world with your beautiful baby. Thanks for taking the time to help. Sending you and baby bump a big hug 🤗

[Toffeepudding99]

Your friend carried that little baby girl - grew her, felt her kick, kept her safe all with her own DNA and might. I’d say they’re more than connected as mother and daughter 🥰

[Jrss1 in reply to Toffeepudding99]

Hi Tofeepudding99,

That is such a lovely response. Thank you so much. I will show her. This is why I love this group because everyone knows how hard it is. We may not all have the same exact stories but we are all connected. Thank you xx ❤️

[Backagain987]

Hi, I have a DE daughter and I felt the same a few months in. I won’t pretend that I am totally fine with it now (she’s 11 months old), and I still worry that she will be upset when she finds out, and still sometimes wonder what the donor looked like and if she looks like her.. but things are heaps better than in those early days. I think I got PND worrying about it all, and the lack of sleep etc doesn’t help either. 11 months in I am very much her Mum, she reaches for me before anyone else for everything, she mimics a lot of my gestures and facial expressions, and she is my absolute world.

I was worried I didn’t bond with her immediately but I think as the others have said, that’s normal. You are complete strangers when baby is born, but each time you look at each other your faces are imprinted onto your brain to build the connection and relationship that a mother and child has. Do reassure your friend things get heaps better, and she will soon feel like her Mum. Feel free to PM me if I can help more xx

[Jrss1 in reply to Backagain987]

Hi Backagain987,

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post & respond. So kind of you to share your experience and to give hope to my friend. I will be sure to show her your response. Sounds like you have a really special bond with your little girl. One thing my friend said which I forgot to mention was that sometimes she feels a bit of resentment towards her husband because the baby is his complete DNA and she was the one who went through everything to get the baby here. ( It was a hard pregnancy) Does that make sense? I wasn’t sure how to react to that?

[Backagain987 in reply to Jrss1]

I’m not sure I felt resentment as such but it’s quite hard when babies are born they do tend to look like their fathers and everyone spends the whole time saying ‘doesn’t he/she look like X’, and even 11 months on my MIL claims our daughter looks just like her father (I can’t see it). Anyway that is tough enough but then when you know you don’t share DNA and you worry your baby won’t look or feel like yours and then you are constantly being told he/she doesn’t look anything like you… well it’s super tough and quite understandable xx