Feeling like a rubbish friend - Fertility Network UK

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Feeling like a rubbish friend

Blue_penguin
Blue_penguin
24 Replies

One of my best friends is due to give birth next month and I am genuinely so happy for her. Her and her hubby were TTC for a year before falling pregnant, during that year we found out we needed IVF and started the whole process.

I can't wait to meet their baby and have lots of cuddles but I'm starting to find it hard how negative they are being. All the way through the pregnancy she has done nothing but moan about feeling rubbish and she has not helped herself by pushing herself with work etc as she does not want to be treated differently just because she is pregnant. I have been asking her all along if she is excited, looking forward to meeting baby and all she says is she is dreading the birth and the first few months. She seems more happy to talk about when she wants to go back to work.

I know everyone has a different experience of TTC and pregnancy but I would literally give anything to be in their position right now. I feel like a bad friend for even thinking that she should be happier as she has known all along what we have been through. Feel like next month is going to be difficult as my cousin is due too. Life is so unfair with so many of us in this horrible position.

24 Replies
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LegoBatgirl

Never beat yourself up, you're not being a rubbish friend and you are entitled to feel your feelings. My personal experience of trying to be a good friend/family member/colleague while everyone else gets pregnant and we struggle was filled with blaming myself for being 'jealous' or 'bitter' but I've had the luck to have great counselling and learned something that I hope will help you (but sorry if it's not relevant).

Short version is that no-one else knows what's going on inside your head, every so often you're allowed to feel like life's not fair as long as you don't let yourself dwell on that fact and let yourself accept it. The only thing other people see is your actions so if you act like a good friend that's all they'll see. Don't feel guilty for feeling how it's perfectly natural to feel, just don't let those feelings make you act in a way you'll regret. You can't control your feelings, just your actions.

One thing that helps me is that everyone is the hero in their own story and everyone else is just supporting cast. As harsh as it sounds no-one else is watching you or judging you because usually they're too wrapped up in their own lives. It's really freeing to realise that the only person analysing us is ourselves. So be the hero of your story and just try to live your life making sure you're not the villain in someone else's.

Sorry for the essay but I hope it helps :)

xxx

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Blue_penguin

Thank you. Your 'essay' made complete sense! X

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Novice_knitter

I can’t add anything to this! Really good advice. I had some counselling too as was struggling with certain friendships - it definitely helped. I like your ‘supporting cast’ analogy. X

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Mamaofstevie

Love this 😍

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LKT1

You are right life is unfair! There is no right answer how to solve this other than saying you need to do what keeps you staying happy and positive. TTC is really aweful as we all know, especially as others around us are having babies. But some people...maybe like your friend find pregnancy very challenging so wants to vent about it. You are not being a bad friend and she is not being a bad friend, but maybe if her negativity is making you feel bad you could talk to her about it? Maybe let her know how you are feeling so she can vent to a more appropriate person or next time she has a moan politely point out that at least she is pregnant like she wanted. It may remind her to consider your feelings a bit more when you are hanging out together. I know the feeling, I’m down to 1 friend who hasn’t recently had a baby 😬 it’s tough being around them all...especially when they are moaning about mum life. For me (and everyone is different) I think it would be even tougher to know they couldn’t talk to me about their feelings so I tend to grin and bear it as I want to be able to support them because on the whole they are good at supporting me re IVF process. Thoughts are with you though hun it’s a difficult one xx

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Blue_penguin
Blue_penguin
in reply to LKT1

Definitely do not want her to feel like she can't talk to me. Was just feeling really sensitive yesterday. Thanks hun x

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CC2018

Firstly, you are not a bad friend, if anything knowing your situation she's being a bad friend. The problem with infertility is every other fertile Freida doesn't know the right thing to say and actually some of those things said in ignorance can be upsetting and they don't realise it. We would give anything in the world to conceive easily and naturally but unfortunately we have to be tough and put ourselves through difficult situations. From the way I see it is you are being empathetic towards your friend and she isn't really thinking about you at all because she is due soon. Maybe she is just deflecting on to work as she is scared of child birth- most women are especially first timers and she knows a new baby will greatly change her life particularly if she has been very career driven, she may also be afraid she will be treated differently when she goes back to work. I love my sister and has been fortunate enough to conceive naturally 1st time both times and despite knowing what we have gone through loves to moan about the kids- i'm not saying we never will but I think when you are going through what we have to go through you will appreciate them that little bit more. She is also very career minded and is actually in the fortunate position where she could stay at home and not work but I know she would be bored and is doing what is best for her. Through going through this my sister has said she feels less ignorant now and knows some of the things she suggested she wouldn't say to anyone again as they actually don't help. Be there for your friend but when it gets too much don't be afraid to have a break away from her. Maybe suggest she tries hypnotherapy if she is scared of the birth. Just remember to look after yourself too and after the birth when her hormones have calmed down maybe you will be able to talk about how you're feeling and just say I would give anything to be in your position and hopefully she will realise how lucky she is and be more of a support towards you. Take care of yourself and remember there is nothing wrong with taking a break from others. Xx

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Blue_penguin
Blue_penguin
in reply to CC2018

Thanks, hadn't thought of it like this x

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Hidden
Hidden

Oh I feel your pain.

I just posted something about this on the NCT website as honestly all I hear are people moaning about being pregnant AND then moaning about when the baby arrives! Friends, my family and even the media.....

Our journey was relatively short compared to other couples on here so I am very fortunate, but nevertheless we did go through a period of infertility and failed IVF before we conceived naturally. I am only 15 weeks and being very cautious and not taking things for granted at all.

I understand your point of view - my sister in law is pregnant (2nd baby - after 3 months of trying!!) and she is working 70 hour weeks at work and going mad in the gym etc. I have to admit it annoys me......It is none of my business - but after our struggle I feel sensitive to others taking pregnancy for granted.

I realise other people's relationship with pregnancy is totally none of my business.....

I wanted to share this just to let you know that other people feel the same as you do.

When you get your BFP you won't take anything for granted.

xxx

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Blue_penguin
Blue_penguin
in reply to Hidden

Thank you hun x

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Hidden
Hidden

Morning. Totally normal and acceptable to feel frustrated with your friends attitude toward her own pregnancy. I do agree with all the comments here too, but also think your friend might just be putting a negative spin on things in a weird attempt to try to empathise with your situation. I know this sounds odd.

But I reckon she might just (mistakingly) think that moaning about the negative aspects aspects of pregnancy and the upcoming birth is a way to not brag about her situation, and to maybe make you feel you aren't missing out on that part. It's a bit silly / ignorant of her but I do think that's a lot pf peoples way of trying to make it seem that actually pregnancy isn't all that and birth dread is a real thing. Of course they just don't really understand how much we'd all give to be pregnant that easily. And we'd given anything to feel rubbish or good or anything for that matter whilst pregnant. I even admit that whilst I was overjoyed to be pregnant with IVF, I, like many on here, really struggled with the anxiety of worrying constantly about the pregnancy (and i was really ill much thru much of it, of course i wouldn't change that and i didn't and wouldn't have complained), it's immensely stressful every step of the way - but that's i think an IVF pregnancy way of thinking - I don't think that's her worry, but I think rather her moaning is a very silly misguided way to try to say it's not all its cracked up to be (which is of course rubbish, because we all know it's a bloody miracle to conceive).

I hope that makes sense...but i think you'll be ok when baby arrived. And remember she's having her baby, and you want your own baby - not hers. I always told myself that when everyone else around me got pregnant - that I wanted to give birth to my husbands baby - not theirs. If that makes sense.

Oh and despite everything I've said, I do totally get why you are annoyed at your friend. I've been there so many times but I honestly think it's their stupid way of trying to make you feel better - without understanding it actually makes you feel worse. xxx

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Blue_penguin
Blue_penguin
in reply to Hidden

Hadn't thought of it like this, thanks for replying x

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I just want to give an additional perspective on this: I’m 23 weeks pregnant after 2 miscarriages and 2 failed ivfs- this is an ivf pregnancy where we had to have embryo testing. I also had a failed hsg, a failed mock embryo transfer and a laparoscopy as part of my 4 year journey to getting pregnant. You’d think I’d just be feeling happy and grateful, and I’m trying to. In my heart of hearts I’m excited when I’m not nervous that it will all go wrong. But I’m finding pregnancy really really hard. I would say it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done a lot of hard stuff on this fertility journey! When you’re struggling, it’s easy to look at pregnant women and wonder how they can complain. But I’m now keen to complain and moan about how dreadful I feel all the time, and I’m worried about labour and birth, and I feel like I’m not really entitled to have any negative emotions about pregnancy at all. It’s not the magical experience it’s cracked up to be for everyone though.

I just wanted to post this in case it helps you to feel more empathy for your friend. I totally know where you are coming from though - you probably want to slap her! Maybe you and she need to avoid baby talk if you can until baby arrives.

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie

Your message really helps to give other perspective. I met a lady yesterday at an exercise class and she had very severe symptoms during her pregnancy and the baby was poorly for a while after birth but still smiled and said it was all totally worth it. That is all I am happy to hear at the end of the day 😀

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Lizzielizzielizzie
Lizzielizzielizzie
in reply to Hidden

Yes I keep holding on to the fact that I believe it will all be worth it. I also keep telling myself that I said I would do anything for a baby (it was never about being pregnant for me, it was about having a child) and this is the “anything”. It’s hard not to feel aggrieved that I had to have a hard journey to getting pregnant and now am having a pretty hard pregnancy but there are always people who have it worse, and it is good for me to remind myself of that. I never expected pregnancy to be harder than ttc though, and so far, it is!

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie

Yes it's like your journey really will be until the baby arrives. You are so brave though - what you have been through. Hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. Xxx

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Lizzielizzielizzie
Lizzielizzielizzie
in reply to Hidden

Thank you, you too x

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Blue_penguin

Hi Lizzie, sorry to hear about your difficult journey to conceive and during your pregnancy. Wishing you all the best for the future xx

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Blue_penguin

Thanks for all your responses. I think I was just feeling particularly sensitive yesterday when I saw her. I appreciate that every one has different experiences of conceiving and pregnancy and that's clearly shown in everyone's responses.

Hoping all of us who are still TTC get the outcome we want. And hoping anyone who is pregnant and not having such a positive experience all the best in the rest of their journey. We all deserve the best! Xx

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Lizzielizzielizzie

It’s ok to be feeling sensitive, and this is a very good place to vent. I really have everything crossed for you that pregnancy is heading your way xxx

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Blue_penguin

Thanks hun x

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AllWeNeedIsluv

I'm with Lizzie on this one, iv had my struggles too 3 losses after 2 and half years of trying. Now I'm 29 weeks pregnant and dare I say it's been dreadful from the start, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of meeting my little boy at the end of this. The first 20 weeks were sickness fatigue pain along with the discovery of renal problems which has now been diagnosed as disease, high risk for so many reasons. Was told he was going yo be small and come early at 13 weeks. Told I would most likely develop preeclampsia,My anxiety has been through the roof with symptoms. Pain everywhere from neck to back to legs groin hips you name it insomnia the list goes on, whenever I moan my other half reminds me that things don't come easy when you want so bad. I get that and I do agree I also feel bad to complain. I wouldn't change it for the world but it is bloody hard. Some women don't struggle at all through it and others will and then there's ones that get the 💩 end of the stick and believe me when you get it it's not fun at all. Birth is scary I ended up having an emergency c section with my daughter and I'm still really anxious as I don't know which way to go for as I'd love to go natural but I know what can happen. It's scary.

Your not a bad friend hun your just a friend that's hearing someone moan about pregnancy when you'd do anything to be in her position your just finding it hard to understand how can they be moaning when their in such a blessed position and they are and I am to have reached this far, it really is hard though for some and there is no fun except them scan moments and heartbeat moments and them movements of reassurance which turn to painful ones.

Wish you all the best on your journey hun

💖😘💝

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Blue_penguin

Sounds like you are having a really rubbish time. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and birth. X

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AllWeNeedIsluv

It has been but there is others so much more worse and like Lizzie says that's what keeps us going, we have to battle on because we wouldn't have it any other way.

Keep strong hun and we're all here for you whenever you need to talk.

Thanks lovely

😘💖💝

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