Donor egg baby

[Rainbowhope]

I am having a donor egg baby and every night I lay awake wondering if they baby can possibly love me if I'm not their biological mother. I dont know why suddenly this has been the cause of huge panic and worry for me. My anxiety throughout my pregnancy is out of control. I haven't slept properly since week 16. It's making me really worried. Can I please ask anyone who has had a donor egg baby how they felt when the baby was born and if they felt the baby didn't love them and how they coped? Have you decided to tell the baby? If so when? I have requested mental health support from my GP and midwives and tbh they have been rubbish so far but I am waiting for an answer this week about what they can do for me. I know I need some counselling.

[destiny121]

Awwwwwe bless you..... I haven’t had to go through this but YOUR baby loves you more than you will ever know. He/she is growing in your tummy and it’s your voice that the baby hears and when you meet you will have a love that you could never imagine and these thoughts your feeling will disappear. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy because your blessing is coming and will be more joyful than you could ever imagine. Biological or not..... you will be one that loves and nurtures and raises this child and that my dear is called being a mother😘😘😘 I’m so excited for you as I know the pain it’s taken to get this point.... but this is your time now so enjoy 😘😘

[Rainbowhope in reply to destiny121]

Thank you s much Destiny121. I am trying to enjoy the pregnancy but tbh I'm just trying to survive the pregnancy. I cant eat anything after about 4pm because if I do I tend to throw up all night. Time is kicking a long and I know soon my baby will be here which will make me more settled. I know anxiety and irrational fears. When I'm.in the moment nothing will stop me loving my baby and my baby loving me back.

[me08]

Let me just say a big congratulations to you for getting to this point!

Now on to DE baby, I have my child, a DE baby boy in my arms as I type this message to you and I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that I love him more than life itself. No one in the world loves my baby more than me! He is the centre of my world and I will do anything for him. He is DE with my husband's sperm and even my husband says I'm obsessed with him because I spring up in action everytime he cries....hahaha.

Although, our case is different as we don't plan to tell him (unless we change our minds in the future). I have no doubt in my heart that he loves me in return when he gives me those gorgeous smiles and giggles.

Enjoy your pregnancy and please calm your nerves knowing that all will end well xxx

[Rainbowhope in reply to me08]

Hi hun. Did you have your baby with a European donor or a British donor please?

[leo1980]

Oh hun! Don’t - just enjoy your pregnancy- you can’t get this time back! There is no doubt your baby will love you and you will love him/her. What I learnt on here through all our struggles is what a mum actually is! We are donors, and adopters and surrogates... so don’t trouble worry. You have been entrusted to care for this little person...and you are! Because you are his/her mum. End off! Rest and enjoy your pregnancy glow as I am sure you have it...

[Rainbowhope in reply to leo1980]

Hi Leo. Your words a so lovely and true! The fight I fought to get her was so hard and now I'm.just worried about stupid things because of irrational fears. Why can't something just go right for once!

[leo1980 in reply to Rainbowhope]

You have lots of people on here supporting your journey and appreciates what you have had to do to be where you are! Revel in! Guess it’s your time to enjoy your pregnancy and your little person..

[Blondyboo]

We have a DE baby coming up 2 years old now. I promise you as soon as your baby is born you will be smitten and that baby will love you like no one else. Your blood is making that child your body is doing all the work to make a healthy baby. We plan to tell our boy as it was such a big part of our life and we are so proud of what we eventually got after so much heartache and tears. I’ve done an album to show him of our adventures on how we got to have our very special baby. (4th round of IVF 3 DE cycles from Cyprus and an operation in Athens the month before hysteroscopy and implantation cuts!) his first baby photo is him as an embryo 😍 I feel so proud and lucky. I had 10 embryos in me over all and just 1 turned into a baby. He’s special and I couldn’t love him more 🥰

[Rainbowhope in reply to Blondyboo]

Hi Blondyboo. My journey sounds similar to yours. I had three IVF rouns with my own eggs. On each occasion I transferred 2 embies at a time. Nothing. I just bleed. Then I had two rounds of donor eggs and the best I got was a CP.. it finally worked on my last go with donor eggs. I too had 10 embryos inside me that didn't work. Only number 11, the solo weakest one worked. Did you have treatment in UK or abroad?

[Blondyboo in reply to Rainbowhope]

I had 1 go nhs in uk with my eggs they only got 1 egg it of me and it didn’t even fertilise so went straight onto DE. The nhs waiting list was so long fir DE once we had been waiting more than a year we decided to go abroad. I had 3 DE cycles first was a CP second BFP and the third one stuck 😍 I think you will feel different once you see your baby also feeling them move inside 🥰

[Rainbowhope in reply to Blondyboo]

I am feeling the baby move around which is amazing. Its brilliant that you have your baby. Do you know the donor?

[Blondyboo in reply to Rainbowhope]

No we just know nationality, hair colour, height, weight, Eye colour and occupation X

[Rainbowhope in reply to Blondyboo]

That's all I know too.

[Blondyboo in reply to Rainbowhope]

Don’t worry about it not looking like you. That’s what I worried about but now it doesn’t bother me. He has a simple same as me but other check but that’s what I say he’s gone from me (although unlikely!) he also tans amazingly and doesn’t take after us like that either but my Dad does tan well so we say that’s from his granddad 😍 you will find something similar to you on anyone if you get me. They say a bit of our genetics does go in them 👍

[Musicalfan]

Hi

My DE baby is 8 months. After 7 years of infertility and no luck, we were so lucky to have One quality embryo and then got pregnant and then had her. The pregnancy was hard in places and I too worried about my feelings towards her. But I cannot stress how much I love her. You are growing your baby. You are feeding it and nurturing it. Without you, a baby wouldn’t exist. Keep hold of that. There are a lot of infertility accounts that you can follow, DE related, that you might want to follow. It helped me. Good luck, stay safe and a massive congratulations on your pregnancy. I know it’s easier said than done, but try and enjoy your pregnancy. Xxxx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Musicalfan]

Hi sweets. I so glad to read the joy in your message. Please can I ask if you had treatment in the UK or abroad?

[Musicalfan in reply to Rainbowhope]

In the uk! With a DE sharer through our clinic in London. And you?

[Rainbowhope in reply to Musicalfan]

I did it in Greece. M donor is completely anonymous

[Sisibaby in reply to Rainbowhope]

I’m considering a DE also in Geece do you mind me asking you how you found the selection process? Did you have many women to choose from?

[Nessa500]

I can understand your anxiety. I went through the menopause early (39) & so DE were the only way for us. I worried that the baby wouldn't feel like properly mine & that i may not bond and love it properly the same as if it had my genes. However, I can tell you from the moment the baby was born and in my arms I have never felt more love and protection for anything ever, so much so my heart swells and hurts with the love I have for our beautiful 10wk old little boy. The feelings I have are often overwhelming especially in this difficult time where he was born at the height of the pandemic. It's easy to say don't worry but really I think you'll find that you too will love your baby more than you can imagine when they arrive. I was very closed off really during my pregnancy for fear of something going wrong which was a shame as I think I then missed out on enjoying the experience more & so my advice is to try and relax and enjoy as much as you can. With regards to will they love you - there's no question about that, they will love their Mummy without question. We will be honest and tell our little boy how they came to being when they are older, not sure what age yet but in a simple way I think we'll do it when they are little and clearly can explain more when they get older.

Wishing you the very best. Take care xx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Nessa500]

I'm so sorry you went through early menopause. That must have been so hard for you. I'm so glad you have your 10 week old baby to hold in your arm and yes I agree you are the real mummy! Did u gave treatment in the UK or abroad

[Nessa500 in reply to Rainbowhope]

Thank you. We had treatment in Alicante, Spain. Happy to share details with you

[Rainbowhope in reply to Nessa500]

I used a Greek clinic. Is donation in Spain completely anonymous?

[Nessa500 in reply to Rainbowhope]

It is yes. We were given blood group of donor at embryo transfer stage and I think their age and that was it! It is a requirement however for the clinic to match their characteristics to ours / mine.

[Rainbowhope in reply to Nessa500]

Did u ever worry that you dont have enough information about the donor when you were pregnant? Did u ever worry about your baby not looking like you or anything?

[Nessa500 in reply to Rainbowhope]

I knew we wouldn't get much info, but I would have liked more, certainly at the time & during pregnancy it played on my mind but now he's here, so much of that really doesn't matter or bother me. Oh gosh yes, it always concerned me that he's look nothing like me / us and would just take all of his looks from the donor, but he's so like my husband as a baby that I think he's going to just look like him as he grows and that's absolutely fine - Daddy's boy! So much of my anxiety around things during pregnancy simply disappeared the minute he arrived safely and was replaced with overwhelming love for him. I really think you'll find the same thing, as people said it to me & it was so true. Take care of yourself x

[Rainbowhope in reply to Nessa500]

Thanks so much for this reply. I'm prying your right. Wondering if I can be a good enough mother and give the baby the life it deserves. Feelings of not being good enough are really distressing. Especially at night.

[Nessa500 in reply to Rainbowhope]

I'm sure you will, the fact that you've gone through what you have to get pregnant and have this baby already shows how wanted they are & that counts for a lot & will certainly translate into being a fab Mum too x

[Kyra-J]

Aww bless, I so understand your worries. I am donating half my eggs and on my treatment now. I worry if the child will grow up hating me for donating it. (If pregnancy is successful)

But then I think if the child is loved and cared for as if the the child parents are theirs then I don’t see why it should be as bad. I say be honest with the child as soon as it starts asking questions be honest. I think the child will understand. I definitely think the child will love you as long as you love the child like your own. Sending lots of love and positive energy your way. X

[Rainbowhope in reply to Kyra-J]

You are doing a beautiful amazing thing! I know any person will understand this when they are old enough

[Music1]

I do understand. I had and we had (my partner and I) counselling before going ahead with ivf using donor eggs. I had 3 attempts using my own eggs and all I ended up with was heartache and miscarriage. I kept wondering if a donor baby would look like me and be like me, and also whether I would bond etc. We tried donor eggs once and ivf also failed. We were gobsmacked.

It felt better carrying him especially towards the end. Everyone saw me pregnant with my bump so in their eyes there was no doubt that I was a mum. I think that was important to me.

When little one was born there was an instant bond. It's true what they say, they can hear you in the tummy when you sing. I only sang one song and everytime I sing it now, he looks at me with loving eyes and stops anything he is doing, I/ we love him to bits. I think his character/ mannerisms and other things he will learn from listening and copying both of us.

Will we tell him he is a donor egg? I'm not sure to be honest. I always said we would and we never told any friends or family. We will wait till he's older. I am his mum though and nobody can argue with that as I carried him for 9 months and gave birth. Also, dad is his biological daddy anyhow. I will always wonder how different it could have been but it was never working and if I'd had a girl I would always be worried they would inherit my genes and medical problems which put me in this position to begin with. When they are in your arms you will feel such overwhelming love and emotion, wanting to protect them. Try not to worry about the pregnancy if you can for the rest of it. For me, I was worried about the pregnancy going wrong until the last minute. I had gestational diabetes, thyroid issues and a placenta which was at the front so I never ever felt or saw a kick. I didn't get my belly till week 21+ which made me more worried. Would I change things ... never. We are blessed to have a beautiful baby whom we both love to bits and wouldn't want it any other way. Best wishes. Thinking of you xx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Music1]

Hi Music. You also fought do hard to have him. That's so beautiful. Did u have treatment here or abroad?

[Music1 in reply to Rainbowhope]

I had treatment here in UK. We tried two different clinics though. The first one, we ended up with nothing but heartache so we wanted another fresh start. Best wishes x

[Violet180]

I am contemplating Donor eggs and also have a related question....for those not planning on telling their child. Did you have the donor procedure performed in the UK? I heard that in the UK the child has a right to search for their biological parent at age 18?

Does that mean they are informed of anything or is it still up to the parents to inform the child or not?

I feel like donor eggs shouldn't be a big deal and mother and baby would love each other the same....and by that token...would I really need to tell the child?

[Rainbowhope in reply to Violet180]

Hi Violet. I'm not totally sure about UK donation but I think you get put on a register and then the baby can find out when they are a certain age. In Europe is completely anonymous. So the child will never know the identity of the biological mother.

[Music1 in reply to Violet180]

I think if you tell a child, when they are 18 they can search for their biological parent in the UK. They are not automatically told. I think that would be a huge shock to suddenly receive a letter like that out of the blue when you are 18. x

[Nickon]

Fighting against our personal fears and thoughts is probably the biggest challenge in our life. It is so hard to cope with those negative thoughts that come to us all the time! But the thing is that it's just a simple fear and that's it. Nothing more. You willing to have this baby the most of all in the world so why should he or she feel the opposite? Our babies feel our love and our attitude towards them so they love us as much as we do!

[Rainbowhope in reply to Nickon]

You are so right. Fighting against t own anxiety was the worst thing over ever experienced. I know you're right. If we show love to our babies we will teach them to love back

[Southwestcat]

Hi, Just to add have you heard of the DCN ( donor conception network UK)? They have a host of resources, groups, information, books for children and adults, books about telling and talking ...I am having treatment atm and have found the DCN aswell as 'Defining Mum' website both really helpful ....xx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Southwestcat]

Yes I have looked at these websites. They are very helpful. Thanks for pointing them ou to me.