I haven’t wrote in this in a long long time but always read other stories every day. I’m a SMBC and have a beautiful 3 yr old thanks to Ivf , he is my world and last year I thought strong and hard about trying for a sibling. I really wanted 1 more and to give him a brother or sister to grow up with. I have low amh but all else ok. I started prepping in Jan 23 with supplements, Acupunture and everything I did on the cycle I conceived my boy. I started my short protocol in April , I had 10-13 follicles which is great for me. I am 41 since the end of April so I was just at the end of 40 doing the cycle. I had 5 eggs retrieved , again, super for me and my amh. The call the next day told me ONE had fertilised normally, ONE out of 5, I was so disappointed and thought it was game over. That little one made it to day 5 for a transfer and was a 4AB. I was absolutely thrilled, I couldn’t believe it. The Tww passed and I had zero symptoms, nothing, I did a test 14 days after and it was a very faint positive, I was worried. Went for a scan the following week and that’s when my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. That 1 embryo had Split….it was identical TWINS. I was so shocked , how was I going to cope with 3 as a single mom? Been completely honest here I was in a state of fear and so overwhelmed I never thought of how lucky I was / I never thought I wouldn’t get to carry them to full term. I filled my mind with the struggles I had ahead and now I am killing myself with how stupid I was to think so negative. At 17 weeks my waters broke, I didn’t realise, I went for a routine scan here this was discovered (PROM) and I was admitted straight away. While in hospital my best friend passed away suddenly, I was distraught. Another blow. I made it as far as 20 weeks when I had a little bleeding and passed a large clot. I started getting sicker and sicker and my bloods were rising. I was induced at 20 weeks 5 days and gave birth to two perfectly formed , healthy baby girls. My heart is in pieces.
i was so focused on getting home to my son it didn’t hit me until then and the days passed by.
I am so angry this happened, the whys, the guilt of how in gods name was I not more thankful and positive. I don’t know what I need but I’m hoping for answers of why? The empty feeling is horrendous and all I want to do is be pregnant again / try again , but ivf is such a long , exhausting road and what if I don’t succeed? What if I get no eggs at all, what then? Are my chances over? I hate myself for how I reacted, they were perfect. They were beautiful. ❤️
Has anyone been in a difficult situation like this? Gone again and succeeded ? I know I have to let myself heal first but I am so longing for my pregnant tummy back again and of course a healthy little person/persons in my arms. Thanks for reading x
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Kilk22
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I couldn’t read this and not reply to say how sorry I am for what you have been through. You must be grieving so much and in so much pain. Have you been able to access any counselling?
I have a nearly 3 year old boy and had two frosties remaining (now just one) and the fear of having twins because of all the difficulties involved is definitely a huge factor in waiting this long to try again. I’m sure everyone that already has a child and learns that they are about to have twins panics and doesn’t feel full of optimism in any way. Your reaction was 100% normal. You definitely need to let go of any guilt you felt about that initial panic.
I’m so sorry there is no answer for why this happened. It wasn’t your fault. There are no words to say how tremendously sad and tragic this is. Just wish we could all give you a huge collective cuddle 💗💗💗
Thanks for your reply. I have counselling booked for Saturday so hopefully that’s the start of my healing, although I can’t see how it’ll change my way of thinking about all this but I hope I’m proven wrong. I never had anything to freeze in any cycle I did so I was unbelievably lucky both times but yet so unfortunate this time. It would’ve been hard with twins & a toddler but now it’s been taken away from me , it’s all I want 💔
So sorry to read your your post Hope you have people around you for support at this difficult time As 1st post says please take advantage of any counselling available Do not be too hard on yourself and take time to grieve Sending a hug to you
You have been through so much. It would be overwhelming receiving news about a twin pregnancy regardless of whether you were alone or in a relationship. I’m sure it’s really hard not having your best friend around either.
I really hope you have some support around you at this difficult time and you will come out of this much stronger than before x
Thank you. Yes it was very overwhelming to hear and take it all in but I just wish I had of told myself I could do it, I was strong enough instead of all the worries. I believe whatever you tell your mind it WILL believe and I never properly told myself any positives 😞 if only we could turn back time 💔
I am so, so sorry for all you've been through. I think it's very understandable how overwhelmed you felt at the idea of twins. None of this is your fault and nothing you did would have or could have changed what happened. You must feel the loss of your babies very deeply and I hope that the counsellor helps you with this.
Thanks so much. Missing so much and I hate knowing I have to live with this now forever and then not having my best friend to help me through it is just horrendous 😞
Hi lovely, I'm so sorry to read your post. It's so heartbreaking and truly unfair. I can totally relate as I PPROM'd at 20 weeks, after my first round of IVF. I was absolutely distraught and like you, desperate for answers. Its so tough.2 and a half years on, 6 rounds of ivf later (male factor issues) I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant and feeling hopeful. The NHS have been great and I will be on progesterone support right through to 24 weeks, I will also get my cervix scanned and measured every 2 weeks from 14 weeks onwards to see if its shortening. If pprom was caused by incompetent cervix and there are signs it's happening again a preventative stich can assist in preventing early loss.
So while I fully understand at this moment in time it all feels so far away and so hard, keep the faith. Keep talking to a therapist, I found reiki so so helpful too. I went down the rabbit hole of desperately googling everything to find answers but in all honestly it made me more anxious and hopeless, so if at all possible try and avoid, as there genuinely is no known reason why these things happen just keep positive and focused on your next steps and know that as and when you feel ready to get pregnant again, you will be on high alert with the NHS and this should really help.
Chin up lovely, it won't feel it now but over time you will find peace again.
Hey, thanks for the lovely message. So sorry you had to go through all that too, 6 rounds then after, you are amazing and sound so determined. I’m delighted to hear you are currently pregnant, really really wish you a happy and healthy outcome with this little miracle 💫
I wonder if I had of taken progesterone for longer than the 12 weeks would it have helped my case , especially the fact it was twins 🤔 something to think about if there’s a next time 🤞🏽 I live in Ireland so all my cycles / tests are all self funded 😣 obviously worth every cent if successful but it certainly takes it toll and especially doing it solo too. I also asked about a cervical stitch while in hospital and was told they dont do it in my circumstances with how many weeks I was and that it wouldn’t stop the leaking of fluid anyway 😢 Things are probably just different over here 😓
I have a review in a few weeks when the placenta findings come back, if any, so I will be asking all the questions. Thanks again. X
So I would 100% push for extended progesterone, its not going to do any harm but may help.🤞🙏
I'm actually from Ireland too!! But live in the UK and also had to self fund... broke!!!🤣
Very frustrating the info you're getting re a cervical stitch. I think if you decide to go again, find a good consultant who will regularly monitor cervical length, a stitch will defo help if that was the reason, its just hard to know if this was the cause.
Take care of yourself and if you ever need to chat, reach out Xxx
Thanks so much. Just curious did you find a reason with why you had PROM'd? Was it to do with your cervix? Mine was never checked throughout my stay in hospital. I would just like to have the terminology / questions ready for to ask at my review. X
One other point, I know how hard IVF is but also remember how many touted to motherhood there are. Book a chat with a really good ivf clinic (highly recommended CRGH) and get an honest view on your egg reserve, I've a few friends who went on to use donor eggs and while it felt like a huge decison at the time, now they've had their babies it isn't even a thought for them. Ypu have options, and as hopeless as it feels now please keep the faith and look after yourself. The age pressure is so hard, I get it Xxx
I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. My girl was born at 15 weeks. The pregnancy was interuppted because she had trisomy 18 which wasn't going to be compatible with life. I dont have any children and i was completely distraught that this situation even exsists. When u get a little better, I plan on trying again, but the fear and anxiety around that is definitely a hurdle.
Its a desperately sad situation that you're in and I feel your grief and pain immensely. Holding you very gently in my thoughts ❤️
Oh how awful for you..💔 so heartbreaking. I hope you had and have a lot of support and help around to help you heal. It definitely takes time to build ourselves up to go again, although I can already feel the impatience setting in 🙈 I have a long road to go though. I had the harmony test done early in my pregnancy to check for any trisomies and got the all clear thank god.
Sincerely hope your little miracle is waiting for you in the future 🤞🏽🤞🏽
I hear the pain you are going through . I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful girls . Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for how things happen . These baby girls were with you on a journey in life that no one can predict . Be assured you did nothing wrong , maybe you had a mothers instinct but nature took its course and you have to try and grieve your loss . Remember your baby girls . Plant two identical trees and watch them grow . Life is a journey and your healing is too . 🥰 Here always to chat 🌈
Kilk, I'm so sorry to read your post. Sadly, no one can answer why this cruel thing happened and why your girls were not meant to stay with you here on earth but as for your emotions, i promise you they are 100% normal. I had a singleton boy and then fell pregnant with non ID twins (all IVF). At first I felt euphoria knowing it was twins. The excitement, how lucky I was and disbelief. Then the fears started to set in. How would I cope, I wasn't a good enough mum to have twins. I went to my 11 week scan hoping I had vanishing twin and the decision would be made for me. I did. Kt have to go through the heartache of losing my babies so late and I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. I have lost 2 IVF pregnancies at early stages and that was painful enough. You can not place guilt on yourself for emotions or feelings. You did nothing wrong and could have done nothing more. Be kind to yourself. I'm now 47 and conceived my current pregnancy at 46. I'm now a SMBC. My oldest were all biological but this one is a double donor. I have moments of doubt, guilt, should I have kept going? Am I being fair to the cbild but I know 100% 5hat this baby will be loved the same as my other children and I feel no different at all. There may be other things to explore when you feel ready but for now, you must take care of yourself. Sending hugs xxx
Hey, thanks for that message, it’s reassuring to know I wasn’t the only one who was totally overwhelmed with twins. My friends say they would’ve been too but it’s easier to believe when someone has been in the exact same position.
Sounds like you’ve had a huge journey too, they are so worth it but it’s so tough and not for the faint hearted. Your youngest little miracle is very lucky to have you so don’t feel one bit of guilt. You will give that baby every ounce of love and care just like your others.❤️ I hope some day I get to snuggle a newborn of my own again 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
You will, I feel sure you will. You have fought so long and hard and if you are anything like me, something inside you just makes you keep going. I knew that when I was ready to give up I would know and despite the heartaches I was always ready to give it one more go. I had decided this was my last transfer as the one prior to this I lost at 6 weeks and something just said give it one more try. I am glad I kept going now and I hope that one day you will feel ready but take heart, your emotions were entirely normal and I would have been more surprised if you had not felt those worries. It shows you care to be scared xxx
Hey again, just a quick question if I don't mind, just curious for your twin pregnancy were you on extra progesterone or for a longer length once it was discovered it was twins? X
Oh my goodness, my heart breaks 💔 for you! Please don't be too hard on yourself! I like you did it solo. Perhaps that's what scared you so much, that and stress. The shock of twins , being admitted to hospital, separated from your precious boy all topped off by the death of your friend- OMG that is some load to bear! Yes fertility journey to gain a much wanted family is tuff. Doing it all on your own is also very hard. However being a single parent is REALLY tuff. I had many obstacles on my journey to motherhood & like you was doing it all on my own, ie no partner so used donor sperm. I got very lucky and had twins on the 1st cycle. SO blessed I was & am. Your doubts & worries re twins are 100% correct esp as a single mum. It was VERY hard for the first 5 years I found. My advice would to be kind to yourself. You are stronger than you think as you are willing to try again. Mental strength will get you through this & that's what I worked very hard to build up right from the start.
Please feel free to contact me for any help & listening ear.
Thank you Claire, all the messages have really helped me. Very grateful for this group. Amazing you had your twins but I can imagine how tough, that was what took over my head completely. I went from not even thinking this round would work with such low odds, to finding out I had two on the way. It took over my emotions completely and I wasn’t expecting to feel so low about it and now kicking myself for it all as I’ve lost them 💔
I am a very determined person alright so once I set my mind on something , that’s it. 🙏🏼 Plz god I will have the strength to keep going and pray to god I get that chance to have one more miracle , or whatever god gives me to add to my family xx
I'm so sorry you've been through such huge losses. Feeling angry would be perfectly normal given what you've been through - pure grief 😔. I've had bereavement counselling and found this hugely beneficial - hope your counselling helps you through the pain and you can find peace.
I'm really sorry to read what you're going through!, please free yourself from the guilt nothing that you've done has caused this, on the other hand is perfectly understandable that you're dealing with all these feelings at the moment, it's a huge loss and there's no right way to deal with it. Like others have said, counselling might help you to process these thoughts and feelings. What helped me come to terms with MC was thinking that nature is wise, I know it's very hard as you literally get no explanation for it. I hope you have love and support around you, and that you bounce back stronger from this heartbreak, sending you a big hug and all the best of luck!
oh my goodness I’m so sorry for your loss and everything associated with it 😢💔 especially that guilty feeling, you of course have nothing to feel guilty about as no matter how hard any of us try for a child once they are on the way it’s terrifying and especially with shock news of twins when you are being so brave and doing it alone so completely normal reaction! I understand why you feel that way though as you try to be mad at someone, even if it is yourself, as there is just no one to blame or put those feelings to when something so difficult and tragic happens that makes no sense 😥
Sending you strength and love for your next steps 💜🦋💪🏼 xx
This hits home.Im super 😞 sorry.I transfered o e day 3 embryo and it splitted into identical twin girls just like you but lost them at 25 weeks due to early preclampsia.This journey is so tough.Sending you hugs
Oh my heart break for you. It’s such an awful loss and feelings of despair isn’t it? I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s utterly devastating 💔 I hope you are healing. I am very much in the angry stage now. I hate that this miracle happened and then taken away from me. 😞 will you try again do you think? X
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