Having a really hard time at the moment, just wish someone could give me the answers and tell me what to do for the best. (Long post sorry)

[JadeH92]

So I wrote last week regarding my pain being horrendous due to my endometriosis flaring up. I'm not sure if this is just a coincidence, due to my hormonal changes following the miscarriage or because of the Progynova.

Anyway, I have spoken to both the clinic and my G.P practice regarding this and me continuing to need to take stronger painkillers. My clinic just advised me to speak to my G.P. My G.P has asked to see me face to face today as it was a telephone consultation yesterday. However, my G.P did say it's going to be a "risk and benefit situation" as opioids (codeine) can cause fertility issues and foetal abnormalities and NSAIDS can cause miscarriage and foetal abnormalities...

To add that that because my pain is horrendous, I am not sleeping and because I am sleep deprived and in constant pain it is having a massive impact on my emotional wellbeing.

I have gone back to being extremely tearful and borderline erratic with my moods. So much so my boss sent me home on Wednesday because I was inconsolable and my boss has stated to other staff members that I potentially shouldn't be in work... which considering another member of staff is on long term sick and another leaves for a new job soon is saying something because we are already short when we are "fully staffed". Work is another issue because of staffing it has added to my stress and my G.P suggested yesterday that I could benefit from some more time off. Which part of me agrees with but another part thinks it just increase my anxieties being off because I will be letting my team down and I also know my work load will just be piling up waiting for me when I get back. Therefore, this is increasing my anxiety in general so when I am waking in the middle of the night because of my pain, my anxiety is also stopping me from falling back to sleep.

So I also discussed anti-anxiety medication with the clinic who again told me to speak to the G.P; who again said it's a risk and benefit situation and he will discuss it further with me today.

My partner feels I am rushing back into the IVF process because its currently been 9 weeks since the miscarriage and I am planning on having the transfer done within the next 3ish weeks (dependent on my period). However, the way I saw it was I am never going to be okay with having another miscarriage, so by people telling me to wait until I'm ready for another knock back isn't going to work for me... I'll never be ready for that again. The other issues being is I wanted to take some control back over my body following the miscarriage because I felt so helpless so by me starting the pill when I did it was my choice (if that makes sense). And now my pain is so bad I'm thinking if I wait and it's not a flare up then what... what if the pain doesn't go I will have to continue on the Zapain and potentially have surgery again to see if the endo is back and if it can be removed... but then if that is the case how long will it be before the next transfer. On the flip side of that some evidence suggests pregnancy can help ease endo pain...

My partner is currently having counselling and off work with stress and anxiety following the miscarriage and also due to his work place. So I have him to worry about as well.

So here I am again at 3:18 awake in agony, my anxiety in over drive just wishing I knew what to do for the best. I feel like my life is constantly on hold and this won't change until a) I have a baby or b) we have used all our chances at IVF.

I know no one will be able to give me the answers but I just needed to write this all down and get it off my chest!

Thanks for listening ladies!

xx

[MissSaoPaulo]

Sending you a big, big hug sweetheart xxx

[JadeH92 in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

😘 thank you!

[Livinginhope2019]

Sending you a big hug xxx

[JadeH92 in reply to Livinginhope2019]

❤ thank you!

[Jaygee]

Just my opinion but I don’t think doing another ivf cycle soon is a good plan. You need to get yourself mentally and physically sorted by the sounds of it. I would think time off from TTC would do you some good and focusing on yourself will be beneficial. IVF is going anywhere and you have time to try again at a later date

[Suzy86 in reply to Jaygee]

I’d second this. I was in a terrible way mentally after doing IVF and 2 FETS in just over 4 months. It was too much so I have had a 4 month break and took my first northisterone this morning ready to start again. Taking time off has done be the world of good and although the anxiety is still there I am by far more mentally really than If I had just carried on like the doctors said I could.

[JadeH92 in reply to Suzy86]

I'm sorry to hear you have had such a rough time in such a short space of time. Wishing you lots of luck for your next cycle! Yeah you are right, like I have said to Jaygee, I have realised now that taking a break and getting myself self sorted is the best option, the only option really.

Thank you for replying ❤

[JadeH92 in reply to Jaygee]

Thank you. After I wrote this last night, I think it helped put things into perspective.

I visited my G.P and told him I had thought of putting the IVF on hold for a while and asked him to refer me back to me endometriosis specialist for a laparoscopy. I really don't want surgery again but I don't see any other option at present. So I am continuing on the painkillers and my G.P has done a referral to the specialist. I also spoke to my fertility consultant, I explained the situation. He told me that he wouldn't be going a head with the transfer anyway whilst I was like this and that he understands my concerns for having surgery again but he also understands why I have come to that conclusion. He told me that if my endometriosis specialist agrees to do the surgery and they remove the endometriosis then we can go ahead with the transfer 4-6 weeks later as hopefully the sooner I get pregnant the less chance of the endometriosis growing back.

I'm hoping my endometriosis specialist will agree to the surgery. I am not going to lie I am terrified of complications etc. However the pain is the root of most of my issues so it is the most sensible way. I am also upset that I won't be having another transfer done this year because I feel it's another year / birthday gone by without a baby. But you are right there is time.

Thank you again for replying ❤

[Dreamingofbaby]

Bless you hun. So much going on for u at the moment. Sound so hard. Hopefully the gp will be able to provide some more input and help u think of some options to help. Sounds like a bit of time off maybe helpful just to focus on u and ur partner. It is always hard to have time off work for a bit but ur colleagues will manage and if understandabley it hard to focus at the moment then some time for u may help. U are always more important than work. Lots of hugs. Go easy on u xxx

[JadeH92 in reply to Dreamingofbaby]

Thank you, I have discussed this with my Doctor and we have agreed I'm going take it on a day by day basis. Next week won't be as busy so I'm hoping I can catch up because I was off for 3 weeks after the miscarriage anyway so I'm still behind there. And the week after I am on annual leave anyway. I have just decided to be really transparent with my management. I've told them how I am struggling and that I could be going off so incase I do tip over, it won't be as much of a shock. But now I'll have the potential surgery on my mind which I will need time off for 🤦🏻‍♀️ there is also something isn't there. Thank you soo much for replying and your kind words! Take care ❤

[Miraclebabyno2]

This a long shot and not medically tested but I have been taking a herbal tablet called serapeptase it helps break down dead tissue. I have been taking it for my bad scar tissue for blocked tubes. I’ve seen loads of reviews on there of women that take it to control their Endometriosis and they say it’s really helped with the pain. Anything is worth a try. I take the highest dose at 250,000 iu but I think you can take more than that. I also have been doing castor oil packs which help with blood flow etc. Hope you feel better soon xxx

[JadeH92 in reply to Miraclebabyno2]

This is something I will defo look into whilst waiting to see my endometriosis specialist. Where have you been buying it from? Is it safe to take coming up to a transfer? My clinic state we are not allowed any herbal / Chinese medicine. I really hope it helps and makes a difference for you. Thank you for your advice take care ❤

[Miraclebabyno2 in reply to JadeH92]

Lots of ladies have took it while still doing the ivf process. I spoke to my consultant about it and he had never heard of it but Holland and Barrett have it. I got mine from amazon. If you were planning on having a little break I’d definitely recommend it just to see if it could help get it under control, obviously I’m sure it doesn’t work on everyone but since taking it for the past 3 weeks I’ve definitely noticed a difference. I think I paid £20 for 60 tablets xx

[JadeH92 in reply to Miraclebabyno2]

I am going to try it whilst I wait for my appointment with my gynaecologists. It is worth a shot so thank you. I have been advised though by a family friend who is a Dr is Chinese medicine that you should do 4 weeks on 4 weeks off not sure if you are aware of this. Take care x

[Love_the_mountains]

Bless you. Sorry you are going through all of this! You have an awful lot going on by the sounds of it. As much as you care about your job and your team, you need to be a bit selfish and put yourself first. If you need some time off then so be it! I suffer from chronic anxiety and panic attacks myself and had to resort to medication at times despite TTC (managed to avoid anti depressants but I do rely on beta blockers at times). I have felt guilty about this but over time have realised my wellbeing is the most important foundation in this journey. There are risks, but I also know plenty of woman who took medication throughout their pregnancies with no issues. There is a good website called BUMPS which lists medications used in pregnancy and their risks. But often the benefit is far greater than the risk. I wish you all the best and hope you start to feel better soon!! Xxx

[JadeH92 in reply to Love_the_mountains]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Sorry to hear to struggle with your mental health. I agree actually sometimes things are a "needs must" and thinking about it soo many women either a) don't know they are pregnant or b) don't care about the risks and abuse alcohol and recreational drugs and go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. I have decided to take time off work, I wasn't going to I went into work and was tipped over the edge by work today ended up in tears again so I am going to be selfish for once. Take care of yourself xx

[Nodds]

Oh sweetie, I can see you'd written this a couple of days ago, so I hope you're starting to feel a bit better? I just wanted to say how important YOU are.

The fertility journey sucks and it takes more out of us (physically and emotionally) than we realise (esp' when we're right in the middle of it). If you are in pain, not sleeping and stressed, then that's not you. You need to put yourself first and get back to being fighting fit. It's not fair on you or your future child to start treatment when you're feeling so run-down. The fertility journey is hard, and you need to be feeling 100%.

Do whatever you need to get back on track.

If your partner is currently off work as well, why not look at going on a retreat together (we did one called One Retreat, and it was one of the best things we ever could have done).

It's ok to be a little bit selfish sometimes.

Lots of love xx

[JadeH92 in reply to Nodds]

Thank you for replying. Unfortunately I'm not feeling much better. I have decided today that I will take some more time off work.

I am waiting to hear from my gynaecologist to see if they will operate again my fertility consultant suggested this is a good idea because a transfer at this time isn't recommended.

We are going away next week for a few days which is something we are looking forward to getting away and we are looking forward to be able to have a drink as well now I'm not going a head with the treatment which is suppose "every cloud".

Thanks again for replying. Take care lots of love xx

[recidwen]

How much strength you have to come here and be real about how dark it all is! This women and her website has helped a couple of my friends heal endometriosis. healendo.com/

xxx