I have been trying to conceive for 6 years and had 3 miscarriages.
The first time it took me 1 year to conceive and then had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks, the second time it took me 2 years to conceive and miscarried at 7 weeks and the 3-rd time another 2 year to conceive and then miscarriage at 6 weeks. After the last miscarriage I developed anxiety, fear, severe stress related acid reflex and I can`t even describe how miserable and devastated I felt. I tried counselling, meditation, etc. but nothing helped. I still can`t overcome the fear that I will never be able to conceive and the fact that even if I conceive some day(which I truly believe will be impossible) the pregnancy will end with another miscarriage.
I have been trying to conceive for 15 months now and every month when I get a negative pregnancy test I am devastated. To make all this even worse my parent in law started to compare me with my sister who recently gave birth to her second child. They are constantly pressuring me and suggesting adoption, surrogacy, saying that I am getting older and many other terrible things.
Me and my husband are happy even without kids and he is very supportive but I do not know how to overcome the shame, the pressure, the fear that people will think of me all the terrible things that my in laws think about me.
I do not now how to overcome all this.
Any advice?
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ts88
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. No one has any right to pressure you, and I think you need to be absolutely clear to your family that their comments are unhelpful and hurtful. Were you able to find out why you suffered the three miscarriages? And have you been referred for any fertility investigations?
Yes, after the third miscarriage we were refereed for detailed fertility investigation through the NHS - all came back normal for both me and my husband. After that we went privately and paid for all available fertility tests and scans you can find in the UK and abroad. Unfortunately they could not find the cause of my miscarriages either - all normal.
So far we have visited around 5-6 different fertility consultants and all of them diagnosed my case as `Unexplained infertility`.
Speaking with other about my problem is difficult, I feel so ashamed by the fact that I can`t have children when everyone else in the world can(at least it feels that way). My in laws are not bad people but I have the feeling that they do not respect me as a person anymore because of my problem.
I have been ttc for over 6 years including 2 rounds of ivf, 3 failed FETs and 1 missed miscarriage, the latter which affected me really badly at the time and i didnt know how i would get throught it.
Have you thought about trying counselling again? I had this through my clinic, about 6 months after my miscarriage. I thought i had coped with it and moved on, but it really helped me to deal with all the feelings assosciated with infertility and pregnancy loss, including how you feel others think about you.
I am lucky that the few people who know what we are going through are very supportive, the pressure we put ourselves under during this whole ordeal is bad enough without added pressure from others too. Could you and your husband or just your husband have a conversation with his parents where you can tell them how they make you feel? Even if you dont tell them right now that you may not want to do down the surrogacy/adoption route, if you explain how stressed they make you feel then hopefully they will lay off and you can tell them further down the line about any decisions you decide to make. Also, again, counselling can help to talk through your feelings relating to others expectations and offer practical solutions on how to deal with others.
Hope this makes sense and helps a little. I have 3 frozen embryos left but over the last few months have really started to think to myself what if this actually doesnt work. Previously i could not eve bare to think this to myself as i did not know how i would go on. More recently i think i maybe have come to accept the fact i may never become pregnant and actually not be devestated, and think about my life afterwards. I think this comes with all the trauma i , like you and many others, have been through , and a weariness that comes with this, and wanting to get back to some kind of 'normal' life! Sorry this is so long, hope it helps you in some way xxx
I tried counselling a year ago but it did not work. I went privately so the counsellor was only interested in money, she made me feel so miserable that my condition deteriorated. I also tried to get counselling through the NHS but my GP said that I could only get a referral if I had suicidal thought which was not my case. Then I tried a local charity where I was told that the waiting time for counselling was 3 months and I needed to pay % of my income, they did not even ask me what my issue was. At this point I completely lost hope that anyone will be able to help me at all, I was rejected by every single person and organisation I asked for support. My anxiety deteriorated, I had a panic attack and ended up in the emergency with suspected heart attack(luckily it was not the heart but the anxiety). I was so scared and disappointed by myself, it felt like I had ruined my life for nothing. The emptiness, the angriness and the guilt were so strong that it left like my life was over.
Then my husband saved me. He took time of work and we travelled for a few weeks, I changed my job, joined a swimming club, tried to keep myself busy with work as mush as possible and this is how slowly my life started to get back to normal or at least I hope that it will be back to normal again some day.
I still can`t overcome the infertility and the fact that I may never be able to have children.
I would try counselling again but I have no idea where to go.I have phone counselling subscription as part of my private health insurance but I am not sure if it works. Do you think that it could help? How did counselling help in your case?
I can completely understand how you ended up being more anxious after trying so many ways to get help. I was lucky, i had nhs ivf treatment and wad able to access counselling quickly as part of this, and my therapist was nice and we got along ok. Maybe you just need to find the right person to help. I would definately give the private phone counselling a go if i were you, i like another lady below had cognitive behaviour therapy and it helps to change the way you think and look at things and it helped me face my feelings, be more positive and be kinder to myself! I see below you are waiting for ivf, a lot of couples have success with this so there is hope left! We also have 'unexplained'fertility and know how frustrating it can feel that there cant be anything found 'wrong'with you so its hard to fix! We have had setbacks with infertility and fertility treatment but still have 3 froze embryos to try so its not quite over for me yet. Like the poster below i realised you just have to keep going after a setback. Time to regroup and build yourself up again xxx
Please don’t give up hope! I have had 4 miscarriages and ectopic. We have been trying for 6 years since my first loss. I have had 1 round of ivf. Fresh transfer miscarriage next transfer we transferred two embryos and one finally worked and I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with our rainbow. So please don’t give up hope I had extreme anxiety like you but believe it or not there is a time that slowly starts to drift away. My husband was worried about my mental state but I knew I wanted to atleast try again ❤️❤️ All the best with your journey
To be honest I went to a very dark place first to come back out the other side. I also didn’t tell any family about the ivf which was hard but my embryologist and one of the nurses helped me a lot with my transfers. And I just realised one day that I needed to keep going after the set back. I hoped that the next time It would happen and it did. I thought my problem was after implantation and it must have been. I also needed to get past chromosome issues after 8 weeks. Every little milestone got me a little less anxious every time xo
I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I am a bit behind you with my journey but I have been TTC for over 4 years, had 3 MMC and at least one CP and 4 rounds of IVF and I am 43. I am really really struggling at the moment with the thought that I am going to end up childless. Counselling didnt really work for me either and I think I have a whole load of grief, anger, jealousy, resentment etc inside me. I also have a younger sister who is TTC her second and there is lots of insensitivity in our family about my infertility and she is definitely the golden child.
TTC is totally controlling my life. I monitor ovulation and get so stressed and depressed if my OH doesnt perform at the right time every month. I know we didnt get it perfectly this month and AF is due any minute, and I know she is on her way.
Maybe try a different counsellor? or alternatively do what I do which is sort of bury it but try and process it in small chunks. every so often I have a day where I can hardly get out of bed I am so low, and I think its just my brain slowly coming to terms with the reality that is I am probably going to end up childless.
Have you thought about trying fertility treatment like IVF? Have you had multiple MC tests? they won't necessary fix things but you do at least find out what you are dealing with
Yes, I have done all possible tests, scans, fertility consultations, alternative medicine therapies but nothing helped and nothing was found. My official diagnose is "Unexplained Infertility".
I am 36 now and will try IVF as soon as possible, currently all of the IVF clinics in the UK are closed due to the lock down. Somehow I have lost hope already, I do not believe that IVF will help.
I have no advice for how to deal with this - I'm still struggling myself. It's a different issue but it's still painful. If it's any help (I sometimes find hearing about other people's pain helps ease my own...is that bad?), this is how I feel:
Im 44, had 2 rounds of IVF last year for second child. It sounds so daft, but I was just so totally convinced that I would have 2 children. I totally know I'm lucky with the beautiful and gorgeous one I have and if I didn't have her I'd be saying "I'd be happy with just 1", but that sense of knowing how lucky I am compared with others who have none doesn't stop the sense of loss and grief and the feeling that I've failed to live my dreams. I keep thinking "next time round" (as in in my next life). Which is insane. I just wish I could have my time again to do things differently. But would I do things differently if I could get 3 kids and miss out on the 1 gorgeous one I have? No, totally not. But that knowledge still doesn't fill that gaping hole. I want her and her little sister.
I tried for 5 years for my first and had one miscarriage previously to that , I then went on to have another miscarriage a few years later , then lost my whole left side (ovary&tube) due a large cyst on my ovary , then had an ectopic a few years later and then 6 months after that I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure it was a case of either stop trying or have donor egg ivf , we chose to do the DE ivf in Greece at a fantastic clinic it took 4 transfers but we got there we now have twin boys 14m old , hang in there is can happen yes you might need to have some treatments if that’s the route you want to go down but it’s so so worth it in the end.
Hey sorry ur having a crappy time. It's soo cruel when u ttc for years and then mc. In-laws can be a nightmare at the best of times. My in-laws seem embarrassed when I try to talk openly about IVF plans. I have felt a real inferior complex because 'I' have the problem. I've read a lot of self help books over the years and CBT referral via GP - really helped me. My hubby loves me for being me (including the lazy ovaries) and that's all that matters. Oh and I also give myself some love. So I don't care what anyone else thinks. Behind the infertility I'm a cool person. We will be devastated to be childless but we do have fur babies 🐈🐈and will probably retire early if we can't have a child. Stay cool 😎.
Sometimes stress can make it impossible to conceive.
Some people have problem with underactive thyroid....it can be still underactive even though TSH appears normal (if T4 and T3 are low this would mean underactive thyroid).
It would be a very good idea if you could distance, do not see those people who make bad comments as this stresses you out and it does not help. Now, it would be a good time as many people use XXvid as an excuse not to see somebody and etc......Perhaps you could go for longer holiday.
Your life should be up to you to decide what to do with it.
The fact that we are going through difficulties in getting pregnant is already painful enough. We dont need anyone else pressuring us to be successful just for the sake of their wellbeing. Are they going to take care of your children? No! Taking control of your life and your own decisions will make you feel more powerful. Embrace your freedom and live your life the way you want. Who ever loves you will be on your side.
Sometimes people dont understand how they can affect our feelings so you might want to help them do that
I’ve been thinking on a plan B for me and my partner. Its a dream to think of having a child but it might not happen. It wont be the end of the world.
1. There are millions of homeless children waiting for an opportunity to be loved
2. I have lovely nephews who love spending time with me!
3. Happiness should not depend only on having or not children.
But these are my thoughts. You will have your own things in live that make you happy.
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