Advice following miscarriage

[Lilli79]

Good morning lovely ladies,

Thank you so much for all your support and comments following my miscarriage earlier this week. We've had lots of tears but lots of talking and we've been trying to have fun and laugh despite our very sad news.

I am determined not to let this get me down. I have unfortunately though found that there doesn't seem to be a huge amount of support after this - my midwife never called me back, and I don't have the energy to call her again just yet. I saw my gp who was lovely and referred me for a scan but then epu called me and asked me when I started bleeding so I had to tell them that I had a miscarriage which set me off in tears again!! I am sure the gp told them I'd miscarried so I found this a bit insensitive. They told me there was no need for a scan as I saw the full pregnancy loss. I haven't been offered any further help or advice but I think will go back to my gp in a few weeks to discuss.

In a way of coping and moving forward I have a few questions;

I'm still in a bit of pain and light bleeding, is this normal?

When should I expect normal period again?

We had icsi, but has anyone ever followed up an icsi cycle with an ivf cycle? There is a clinic near us who do mild stimulation ivf which sounds much less intense than icsi. We're taking it easy for 3 months to get our bodies back in order and then plans for another round hopefully in January.

Has anyone got any tips for getting rid of negative thoughts? I lay awake all night last night with the same thoughts I had a year ago....I'm too old, it might not work, I'm scared etc.

I find all of you so helpful and reassuring and am so grateful for any advice anyone has.....

Love & best baby wishes to you all

Libby 💗💗💗💗

[AllWeNeedIsluv]

Hi Libby

im so sorry for your loss hun. Iv been there several times and know how you feel. As for support from the medical profession I never had any following my miscarriages (I did get given a miscarriage councilling number first time with epu)

After one of my miscarriages months later a nurse came to my mums really worried about me as I hadn't been to any of, my midwife appointments. My mum horrified said she's miscarried 4 month ago,that was confirmed in hospital. Glad I wasn't there I'd, have said something I regretted.

I think there is a lack of communication sometimes and the system seems to not pick up the important things we would expect it too.

Maybe ask gp if they would refer you to miscarriage clinic

All I can say is if you feel you need extra support maybe consider counseling you and your hubby sound like your supporting each other great. Also it's, hard but with time it gets easier. If you ever need to talk to anyone were all here and you can message me anytime.

I'm sorry I don't know anything about ivf icsi so wouldn't be able to advice you there.

I wish you all the best hun and hope things work out for you soon 💗🤗😘

[Lilli79 in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv]

Thanks for your lovely reply. Oh my, that's awful I can't believe communication can be so bad. I thought I wouldn't have to cancel my scans etc but I think I might do it now. I will eventually get through to the midwife I'm sure. I was quite surprised the other day when I phoned the clinic and they asked if I needed the midwife to call me back. She seemed to sound surprised that I had wanted to speak to her. Oh well, am sure it'll get sorted. I'll have some choice words too if I get a phone call from midwife in a few months!! xxx

[AllWeNeedIsluv in reply to Lilli79]

Wish you all the best hun

Just take each day as it comes don't beat yourself up for feeling emotional or anything. It's all part of the process hun. Take good care of yourselves .💗😘

[Hidden]

Hey

It wasn't your fault I got by after my loss at 17.5 weeks 1 minute at a time as I always had that much, after the funeral it was still 1 minute at a time as anything longer seemed too much to cope with.

The bleeding is normal and a normal period will probably following within the next 6 weeks.

You will have days when there is no light and life isn't worth it, you will hates your body as it's not fair and in the up side you will find the light and everything will fall into some sort of normal, it's gonna be a rollacoaster for both of you, make sure you grieve the loss.

Big hugs to you and hubby x

[E_05]

I'm so sorry for your loss, after I miscarried last year I felt the same that there was no support. We found an amazing charity called saying goodbye (they have a Facebook page if you use it or can search them online) they offer an open 'befriender' support in which you can talk to them any time you need, any time of the day. I have to say if it wasn't for them I don't know how I'd of coped.

Take each day even each hour as it comes, sounds like you and your OH are a great support to each other xx

[DC13]

Can I just start by saying that I am so sorry for your loss and the experience you are going through. I am not sure how far advanced you were with your pregnancy but it always is a shock and such a hard experience to go through for both you and your partner. Sometimes our partners get a little forgotten about as they do not physically go through the loss.

I lost our little one after an excellent 6 week scan (heartbeat was seen etc) and had a feeling that something was not right. I had no real warning signs and went to the epu for a scan where we told the little one had failed to thrive. We were so shocked and I for one was in denial.

My experience is different as I opted for surgery but maybe I can share a few little bits of my experience that might help.

You could try contacting the epu as we were given a leaflet of a local charity relating to miscarriage. Now I must say that I have not done anything with that and decided it was not for me but that does not mean it would not be of interest to you. They did something locally where a few times a year they add metal leaves to trees inscribed with a message or something to acknowledge the little one. I still have my leaf and not really come up with ideas for inscriptions but I am sure we will do it when the time is right. You could maybe do some searches for miscarriage societies.

The other thing to consider is if your facility where you have been having treatment have an association with fertility councillors. It might be worth considering if this might be useful for you and your partner. Again only you will know if it is right for you. I think the questions you have are all totally normal and are some of the same questions I had - self doubt in myself and my body.

Do we ever get over it. I am not sure. I think every day we just get better at living with the experience and situation. You will have good days and bad days. Sometimes you might want to scream and shout and other days to be quiet and wonder why you are not able to concentrate. Everyone deals with grief differently and you guys just need to feel your way a little.

Don't be hard on yourself. Try not to blame yourself (difficult I know as we all do the - what if game).

Maybe take a bit of time off and do some things you would not have been able to have done. I for example started doing lots of road bike cycling and entering cycling competitions. Took up mountain biking and running again etc etc.

I also wanted to pick up on one of your questions re when will your normal periods return. I think again everyone is different. Some people get back into their normal cycle quickly. I did not. It took me forever and I was having to go back every week for repeat blood tests to finally get my HCG level back to normal to start treatment again. I think it really depends on what your body is doing with all those hormones. Again try not to worry about this as I really do think it makes it worse and I am sure I delayed my body getting back into things because I got stressed out by it.

I am not sure if any of this helps. But you are not alone and plenty of ladies would be happy to share their experiences with you. Just knowing that someone else has gone through this helps a little. PM me if I can help any more.

Remember we are very strong ladies to even put ourselves out there on the fertility rollercoaster. You are strong even if you might not feel like it at the moment.

I wish you all the very best on whatever decisions you make.

xxx

[Hannah_J]

Hey dear, hope you are doing well... I share your pain

My advice concerning coping with the loss would be traveling. Visiting new places and going through new emotions, as well as meeting new people helped me to switch my mind to something else instead of MC, and I started to sleep at night. Mild sports are also great. And don't forget to take your husband with you, as it's also a hard time for him... But first you should give you both some time to grieve and to accept your loss. I hope these actions will help you to return your hope and confidence in your success.

As for post cycle support, it depends on the person. I had one midwife who called me afterwards. But there was also one that didn't.

Concerning ivf after icsi, I'd suggest to consult your fertility dr, as he/she would be more qualified to advise you the best option.

Oh, and light spotting and pain is normal in case they don't last longer than two weeks.

Hope my experience will help you. I wish you to recover soon and to continue your fertility journey. Good luck to you!

[Petricker]

Lilli I'm so sorry for what happened. Won't say I know how you feel, although I've also been through this and not a day goes by that I don't remember it. It's distressing, paingful and tough for the whole family but the others act like it's a common thing and don't care. I learned not to blame people for this. but what is more important, you shouldn't blame yourself! cry as much as you can and try to spend more time with your best half, you are the best support for each other at the moment. Sending you lots of warmth and love

P.S. don't think you are too old xx

[mupcake]

Hi honey, when I miscarried 2 years ago, I was offered a scan to check if anything is left post misscarriage. I would advice you to ask your GP or midwife to arrange a scan as any left out from pregnancy could be lethal. Take care honey.

[Lou9]

Hi 👋🏻I am so sorry for your loss and for all that you are going through. There are no words that can help at this time but just wanted to say I'm thinking about you. ❤️

I'm not sure where you live but I went to a fantastic miscarriage counselling charity (I live near Glasgow) and I don't know what I would have done without the support from my counsellor. If you live near me then I can message you the details. I hope you can find someone to talk to as it really helps.

In the meantime, look after yourself and put yourself first. Sending you strength xxx

[Lilli79 in reply to Lou9]

Hi Lou9 I live in North Somerset, not sure if any in my area. I have been to counselling before for anxiety when I was much younger and I hated it so I think I will wait a week or so and if I feel I need it then I will ask my GP about local services. I have a week off work with my husband (it was already planned holiday leave) and I'm really finding being able to talk with each other so helpful as we're on the same wavelength. I see pregnant women and women with babies out and it doesn't upset me, it's just the personal pain. We were getting excited about telling everyone and now that's gone which is so sad 😥 We've have nice plans every day for the rest of the week so am hopeful that will get us over this initial hurdle. Thank you for your help, I am really finding that knowing people on here are sending love and thoughts is so comforting xxx

[Lou9 in reply to Lilli79]

It sounds like you and your husband are a great source of strength to one another. It is good that you have time off together and can spend some quality time talking to one another and doing things you enjoy. I hope you take all the time you need. Thinking of you xxx

[Poppy16]

I am really sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you thoughts and prayers. I have lost 3 times and am very much aware of the trauma,grief,emptiness,pain and isolation that a miscarriage brings. I feel for you and your husband so much. Unfortunately, with all my experiences I received no support except was discreetly handed some leaflets which made me feel even worse. It is terrible that in the 21st century miscarriage seems such a hidden, almost taboo subject and poor ladies who suffer one feel they need to suffer in silence. The Miscarriage Association is excellent and very helpful in terms of offering advice,support etc. When I had my 3rd miscarriage in March this year I rang them and I was very touched by the lady who kindly spoke with me and answered my questions. The hospital were no help to me and were most insensitive. There are some local miscarriage support groups you could maybe look into or see about counselling. Personally,my husband and I will never be over our losses but we have our faith which helps. We also planted trees/plants to symbolise our losses. I wear a forget me not necklace with 3 coloured birthstones which represent the 3 months when I each suffered a loss. Also treating myself to something each week e.g. magazine,bar of chocolate,earrings helped me a bit too. I wish I could take away your pain etc. You have been through so much. Please know you are not alone. Wish I could be of more help. Big hugs. Take care. Xo

[Lilli79 in reply to Poppy16]

Thank you Poppy16 this is lovely, I am glad you've suggested some nice ideas for remembering. I think we will recover from the loss, but I think I will get in touch with the miscarriage association. Although my gp was very sweet and understanding, the lady in the epu who phoned me seemed to just brush me off and didn't seem to care. When the loss happened I was away and it happened so quickly I think I wasn't in my right mind. I really wish I had taken the remains home, my husband thinks it might have upset me more to bury it but I feel so awful I just discarded it, it makes me feel sick thinking about it. Today we went to a beautiful old church and I lit a candle, said a small prayer and had a little cry. I am not particularly religious, but this really helped me. Thanks again for your kind words, I love the idea of the birthstone xxx

[Poppy16 in reply to Lilli79]

How are you doing today? How have you been? Are you ok? That was a lovely tribute you and your husband did visiting a church,lighting a candle and saying a prayer. I feel for you so much as I have been in a similar situation a few times myself as you know. Please try not to be hard on yourself about not keeping anything to bury. It all happened so quickly and as your husband rightly said it may have upset you more. I am saying this, but at the same time I know how you are feeling because in March when I partially lost, some of the tissues etc I couldn't control-lost in the toilet,shower,floor then at hospital. The hospital made me try and catch in a tray ao they could analyse. I was so traumatised by the length of the process which got worse because I couldnt stop haemorrhaging and had to go to theatre where rest was removed. I felt guilty for along time that I didn't bury anything but came to realise it was beyond my control and it was all beyond yours too. Please please don't be hard on yourself. You have done nothing wrong. Big hugs to you. Xo

[Lilli79 in reply to Poppy16]

Thank you so much for thinking of me Poppy16 I am OK now, we are moving forward now. I had a big long chat with my mum at the weekend which was lovely and nice to speak to someone who's been though it (she had 2 miscarriages before she went on to have 5 children!!). I'm feeling positive about our next plans and accepting that it really is one of those things, and sometimes unavoidable. Just wasn't meant to be..... Hope you are OK xxx

[Fredaflintstone]

Hi Libby - you are so amazing and strong! I really admire your positivity but am appalled at the lack of support you've been given. Are you able to have some counselling through your clinic?

Re negative thoughts - you could try some mindfulness meditation which sometimes helps us control our thoughts more. You could also write them down and then counter them with positive thoughts instead e.g. I'm too old - there are plenty of women who have children when they are older with IVF and naturally. My child will benefit from the maturity I have and love I have to give them as a person who has lived a little and is ready to concentrate on their life and wellbeing etc. Wishing you lots of luck with your next steps xxx

[Lilli79 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thank you Freda, I hate thinking negative thoughts but thankfully I slept really well last night. I am going to try to get a reflexology session this week as it helps to clear my head. My age is the one thing that I'm always scared of, running out of time and all that but me and my husband are very healthy so I take that as a positive for going forward. It does give me some comfort that one ivf clinic near us will treat ladies up to the age of 50. Hope it doesn't take that long to get pregnant again!! xxx

[Kelly-03]

Hi,

Your doing amazing but you have been through so much and your emotions will be all over the place x

Do you not have the clinic that did the icsi to talk too? You should have some support especially now x

Don't think your too old your not lots of people conceive later in life.

I'm so sorry to hear this is how you have been treated it isn't right and having time out means you can get your head right and find the best place to support you through your treatment. The nurses and consultant were you had icsi can you speak to them?

Thinking of you and take care of yourself xx