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Unsucssesful IVF Marriage failing

I am new here. Last year my husband and I went through IVF for the first time. Unfortunately, we miscarried. It was hard for both of us and my husband was my rock and we became a lot closer rather than falling apart. But as time went on, the miscarriage effected him more and more. After the tests the doctors told us he was the one with the problem before we started IVF and we would never be able to conceive naturally. Because of this, he blames himself for our miscarriage and he constantly feels guilty. He said he can't go through another miscarriage and i said thats ok, if he can't go through IVF again. I kept telling him it was not his fault and most natural conceptions can end in a miscarriage. He can't stop feeling guilty. With many other things and upheavals over the year which has been quite stressful, he 2 weeks ago said he can't do this anymore and needs space, he said his head is all over the place and that he loves me, but he needs to miss me. he feels guilty all the time. We have not been arguing, we have been ok. I have noticed a change in his attitude, withdrawn and low. We are quite laid back and never really argue. I love him and this has come out of the blue. Did not see this coming. I am giving him the space he has asked for and although i just want to speak to him because i am missing him so much, I am holding back and respecting his wishes. I desperately want to save my marriage, but its hard when he does not seem to know what he wants, or if that is even me! I just do not know what to do?

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This is really hard to read and I couldnt imagine what you are going through. Have you got a good support network? Has he got people he can talk to? it sounds like he might be depressed and blaming himself. Did you ever have any counselling together? X

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It is devastating because i love him so much. My friends and family have been really supportive and there for me. Which i am lucky and blessed to have. He is not much of a talker with things like this and although i think he has spoken to a good friend and his mum, I do not know if he has opened up fully. I did wonder if he was depressed and when he said he needed space, I did say he needs to speak to someone. Although I am struggling with this, I am worried about his mental health. We did not see a counsellor, I think he would struggle with this. But if he does say that he wants to work at getting us back to where we were. I will suggest we see a counsellor. He defiantly is blaming himself and i do not know how many ways to tell him, its not his fault. x

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I'm so sorry to hear this. Maybe he just needs some time to get his head round everything that has happened. It must be so difficult for him he probably loves you so much and just can't bear the thought that he is letting you down. Although he isn't letting you down at all. But in his head he will be. Give him some time then see if you can meet him for a coffee and chat. Be honest with each other on how you feel. You can get through this xxx big hugs xx

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Thank you. I really hope he does still love me enough to want to stay married x

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I can imagine what you're going through... the road hasn't been any easy this far! The good part is you made it.. and though I feel sad for your loss ... getting stuck is not the solution. The grief will last a lifetime..nothing can undo it but then living a life without a child might not be your only option at all. I have a few questions toWhat exactly is the male infertility that's affecting your husband? Assuming there has been a natural TTC at some point, did you get pregnant before this miscarriage?

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Hi Becca21, he has said that he does not want to adopt. I had not been pregnant before the IVF, as I had through my life been carful. They said he had abnormal Sperm and that the heads were shaped in a way that would not let the sperm penetrate the egg, also then tend to run out of steam before they can get to the egg. I know he really wants to be a dad and I a mum. But as i said to him we both have to be fully on board for this to work, and if he can't, thats ok. I married him for him and not because he could give me a child. We kinda all assume that would happen!! I do not know how it feels to have the issue and the guilt, So i can only listen and support him and try to reassure him. But this does not seem to have helped!

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Adoption is the last resort... having had been through infertility struggles I know none of us would want to count that as an option unless no other is left. Ahh, morphology problem... that explains infertility or lack of conception (comparatively easy fix with ICSI) but there's no proven link of a sperm morphology to that of miscarriage as long as a there is defective or fragmented DNA causing it. The embryo that got you pregnant was cleared PGS right? If yes, unless there's some other issue too... the miscarriage might not happen again and was just a mere bad luck. I guess then the best way out right now is what Clairet suggested. It might take some time to get there... but you've got to pull him out of self-pity and self-blaming. Don't push it but try to talk to him about it... that it was just a chance and with his problem, there's no proven link to miscarriage but only infertility and another try could just turn out successful. Wish you luck with the talking, stay well!

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I am so sorry!

It sounds like you are going through an awful time.

Has he got anyone to talk to at all, although that will only work when he is ready to talk.

When my OH found out that he simply didn’t make sperm because of a genetic condition he was devastated. He just refused to talk about it. It took 3 months before he could even bring himself to mention it. I just gave him space, didn’t speak about anything fertility related and 8 months on we are only starting to move on.

It’s a long and sometimes unbearable journey for him and I frequently wish that it was I who had the issues because I could cope better (I think).

Sending you lots of hugs, and hang in there, it sounds like you both love each other very much and I hope that’ll get you through xx

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How extremely difficult for you both. This sounds really hard. My husband is basically the “cause” of our miscarriages through having a balanced chromosome translocation which 50% of his sperm pass on. I’ve been worried in the past about how he might take on that guilt as, when I thought it was my age that was the problem, I felt terribly guilty and it really changed my personality. I have counselling now to help me and it’s great. My husband seems to cope by talking to friends and family. I hope your hubbie has good support.

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Are you able to convince him to go for counselling?

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I am not sure. Until he approaches me to discuss what he wants, I would happily go, but he is a very private person and does not like anyone really knowing his business, apart from his close friends and immediate family. If he knew i was on here talking he would not like it. thats the good thing about being an alias. I suppose maybe!!

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Sorry to hear you're going through this. Could you write a letter of everything you want to say to him? Maybe even show him what you've written on here and all your responses. It sounds like he needs counselling x good luck x

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My heart goes out to you! I think a letter seems like a good idea to get it all out... and hopefully he will come around? How are you doing? Are you looking after yourself? Nurturing? Spending time doing things you like?

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I think I might ask for a chat this week. Just to see if he needs more space and to see where his head is at. I'm not expecting a decision if he is not ready. I am not sleeping well. Probably had about 4 hours unbroken sleep. My appitite has reduced. But I Sam eating and healthier eating too. I am seeing my friends and spending time with my family. I also have started to excersise. It's the not knowing that's hard and so tempted to text him. But I have resisted. X

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How long have you been married Hun?

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Been married 4 years.

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Just hang in there... it’s a really stressful time... and little things can seem so big and significant...write him a note, clear the air between you - do what you need to to feel good about yourself!

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I am hoping to meet up with him this week. Just hope we can start to move forward. X

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What’s your gut telling you?

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I think he loves me. But he needs to come to terms with the guilt. See if we can meet up this week. He is a good husband and I know this would have been the last thing he wanted to happen. But it's effecting him physically and mentally.

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Oh lovely how hard for you. I understand it must be difficult for you both but i am unsure how fair it is in you with your husband needing space. The pressure, uncertainty and loss intensifies fir you at this time. I am sending you lots of luck and hopefully all will be good. This whole process is so difficult. We just miscarried and my husband was a rock too. Then 6 days later I think after looking after me he was really bitter and his upset came out which of course is allowed but it frightened me of our future. If it works out great but if it doesn’t Will he be able to loose the bitterness and me the man I married. Who knows! But I think you can only get through these things by talking and supporting each other. I hope you have good friends to look after you just now. Big hugs xxx

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Hi Hope

Like many people above I would say counselling. It is something you ldont have to do together if that makes him more comfortable - and maybe only a couple of sessions would be required but if he is struggling so much then it seems like a verý good option.

Wishing you all the very best.

X

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What a heart-breaking story. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm so sorry your husband is struggling to cope. I can only echo other people's advice here - he really should get some counselling. Feeling like he's to blame for your childlessness and your pregnancy loss must be agony. You've done the right thing by reassuring him that you're with him for him. I found this article about male infertility: theguardian.com/lifeandstyl... If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to a counsellor, perhaps reading more about the subject and understanding that he's not alone might help break through his sadness and anger.

I'm sure you'll be able to work things out; you clearly love each other very much and at the end of the day you just want the best for each other. Stay strong, and keep checking in here if you need support for yourself xxx

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Thank you so much. Thanks to everyone for your support and advise. ❤️

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I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. My husband really struggled with our miscarriage on the due date of the baby, before that he seemed like he had coped, but he really became angry and withdrawn, but fortunately he just needed to process it, but I think for men it can be a delayed process.

Like said earlier perhaps write a letter or an email, just to open communication with no pressure. Radio 4 had a variety of programmes on fertility, and this broadcast is only 12 minutes and it’s from the male point of view, perhaps you could forward it to him? bbc.co.uk/programmes/p05qgkbz

I hope it all works out in the end, you sound like you are being very supportive lovely, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you xxx

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Thank you. I know when it came to our due date it got worse for him And like you I thought he was coping. I really don't think he has processed and come to terms with our loss. I get that. Everyone is different some can carry on and still hurt and others it can consume. Maybe it is harder for him as he is the one with the problem. I will speak to him this week. Not to put pressure on, as I don't think you can put a time scale on something like this. But to see where his head is. Thanks for support and advise. X

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Sorry to hear about your loss too! :( Miscarriage is a new type of hell undoubtedly... hard to cope with. I bet you men can get really too much emotional unlike what they are usually presumed to be in these cases. They take male infertility more seriously than us and like a direct hit to their ego.... processing all of it and talking out might just take time.

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Yes, you're right! I remember pretty vividly when we had our loss at 8w2d while TTC naturally about a year and a half ago (July 2016)... he suddenly got all withdrawn and we connected very less as a couple. Initially, I was totally devastated and refused to talk about it and he kept pressing but as things got better with me in next few weeks I started noticing that he was in some sort of constant unrest.

TBH I quite wrongly interpreted it... as in maybe, he hates me as it seems he hardly cared about going on to the next stage of TTC. It's only when we went for a mini vacation in the following Christmas (basically to rekindle the love and romance) did he chose to speak up... with a little bit of help from the drinks. He opened up that it was he was so devastates seeing me lost, grief-stuck and insanely quiet (which is so not me) he was feeling helpless and miserable but can't express hoping that will only make me worse. Ever since he has been constantly stretched between whether resuming TTC so that the desire of having a baby could be speed up or my well-being should be his priority.

I was in tears hearing all that he said... the good tears of course!

Men can't talk straight and they take a hell lot of time dealing with their emotional aspect. Absolutely no doubt about that.

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Aww Dear! I just read your whole post. Well, I know it couldn't have been more hard for someone. I just want you to be strong enough! I think you should get him counseled. It's not anyone's fault. It happens and more importantly! An IVF has more chances to work after the first round...I think you should try another one and also get him on board with it. Wish you all the best! xx

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Hey, there I hope you're feeling better. I am sure this must be extremely difficult for both. As he is feeling guilty and blaming himself I would suggest that you make him realize that MC has nothing to do with that. Instead, he tried his best and the IVF did work but it was due to other reasons that the MC took place. As women, some of us have to go through the pain of infertility and it is extremely difficult. Therefore, I think we can all relate to him. If you think this is really affecting him you should get him some help. A therapist would really help him go through this. Apart, from that try going for surrogacy. As maybe when he has kids around him of his own he will be able to cut back the negative feelings. This will also give you and your body some time and rest as well. After which hopefully he would have healed and you both can try IUI or IVF as well. Some couples have to go through 3 to 4 IVF all failed cycles after which they get positive results. So make him aware of this as well. It all depends on the clinic you opt for as that really helps you in getting a good result and maintaining it until the very end. I hope he is able to recover all my wishes are with you.

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I really recommend you go to Relate for couples counselling. It's a lot of stress to put on a marriage. I think talking to a caring, unjudgemental third party would really help your husband put things into perspective. Good luck Hope :-)

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I was also going to add that miscarriage isn't something that is talked about. 1 in 4 couples suffer miscarriage...across those who are trying to conceive naturally and with assisted fertility. Even the term miscarriage is horrible. As if it's something you did wrong...rather than recognizing the desparately sad loss of a baby. A lot of "celebrities" are coming out to come out and talk about miscarriage. In the last few days I've come across Nicola Sturgeon (first minister for Scotland - she gets a lot of hurtful questions about why she's childless and people assume she's put her career first). tommys.org/our-organisation...

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It's easier to come to terms with when you realise you're not alone. Big hugs xx

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Thinking of you and sends lots of hugs, may this stage will be over soon and both of you can be stronger than before xx

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thank you again all for your advise help and support. I have a lot to take away and hopefully me and my Husband can wrk though this. I just have to be patient and hope he works with me to fix this xx

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All I can tell you is I've been through this kind of a situation. Follow the natural course... give it some time. Instead of pushing him for answers or complaining about his withdrawn, laid-back, antipathize attitude... and did wait for the right moment. That came around after 4 months from when I started noticing the changes. I did put in some calculations though... my SO is a good listener but speaks less naturally... however, he can be tricked into talking (whatever he says is 100% unadulterated) when tipsy. Tried that on our Christmas tour as that's the time he'd get less cautious on drinks. Likewise, you know him best.. plan for a way that helps him open up and try that... these things take time though. Hope you guys be able to discuss and sort this ASAP. Good Luck

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Dear Hope_2018

I am so very sorry to read of your loss; I wonder if he is open to counselling, around fertility, pregnancy loss and relationships, either on his own or for you both together.

My hope is that there will be one with your clinic, you should be able to request a counselling appointment, whether planning further treatment or not. If not do contact the British Infertility Counselling Association at bica.net, or The National Fertility Society at nationalfertilitysociety.co... or the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists at cosrt.org.uk as all of whom have specialist training in relationship and which will include aspects of loss.

It's also important to access support for you too, individually and/or together, sometimes our partners lack of ability to stay with us, even when we love them and understand, can impact in the future, even if we are able to move forwards, stronger, together.

Tracey

Volunteer Fertility Counsellor

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Hi Tracey. I think I might go councilling. I have planted the seed for him to think about it. But he is not the type to do so. I think I will have to see. But although I love him. I know I can't make him stay with me. It will be another loss in a long line of events. X

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Oh hi there! I m so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is the worst thing ever. It can create a lot of problems for some couples. Just like yours, it can lead to many bad endings. But most of the couples go through this phase and are still together. If he's afraid of a miscarriage again, then you guys should go for Surrogacy. The Surrogate mother will carry the baby for you and it's the most successful way ever. I can assure you because I also had my babies through surrogacy. If you are looking for a good clinic, then book your tickets to your Ukraine. Because you will probably go there, it's cheap there. And the treatment is just way better. They treat you so good that you won't even want to go back haha. Everything is done under this much low price and no extra charges. Trust me, this can save your marriage. Try to convince him of this. Much Love!

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Aww Dear! I simply read your entire post. Indeed, I know it couldn't have been all the more hard for somebody. I simply need you to be sufficiently solid! I figure you ought to get him advised. It's not anybody's blame. It happens and all the more vitally! An IVF has more opportunities to work after the main round...I figure you should attempt another and furthermore get him going to play a part with it. Want you to enjoy all that life has to offer! xx

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