Thank you for all your well wishes on my last post. I hope everything went ok with your big days everyone?
Unfortunately, this cycle was just not meant to be for us, from quincy stopping my January cycle to my responding poorly this time round after responding so well to my cycle last August, I think it just wasn't our time.
When I had my first follie check this time I was gutted we had only 3 front runner follies and other much smaller ones compared to 9 last time. Wondered if it was due to illness or other big personal stresses we have going on... hmm?
So, on Monday we waited in the recovery area for me to go into theatre, dh provided his sample and we waited... and waited... We could hear some curfuffle going on with the medical staff and asked one of the nurses what was going on, she said they'd had a problem with the previous surgery- we could hear staff talking about stitches and such - my heart went out to the poor woman in theatre but also as every 20 minutes went by, concerns for the success of our cycle grew as it was an 1.5 hours past the all important 36 hours window since I'd taken my trigger shot and since dh had produced his sample, both elements we'd been lead to believe were time restricted.
At that point, the anesthesiologist took us off to a room, he seemed really flappy. I'm not a baby with needles and such but he hurt me putting the cannula in and apologised. I asked him about my concerns that it was nearly 38 hours past trigger shot and nearly 2 hours since dh's sample. He said he'd get a Dr to answer that and we were left for another 15 minutes with seemingly flappy medical staff rushing by the door. It all just felt so wrong and not at all like last time that I didn't feel comfortable about proceeding.
The dr came in and said that not everyone ovulates at exactly 36 hours, some go longer but she was happy to scan to check if I'd ovulated prior to surgery and if I has she wouldn't go ahead. I was happier with this. She said - in contrast to our fertility doctor who I'd expressed concerns about my follie number to at the last scan and who said she was happy with what I had - that (unlike the other doctor), what she was really concerned about was the low number of follies I had this time and that they were different sizes which echoed my previous thoughts.
Anyway, she did the scan and as I thought, there was evidence I'd ovulated. There were only 3 follies left of various sizes so we didn't proceed.
She apologised profusely, explained that the delay was due to another surgery thst had gone awry and said they'd give me another nhs cycle and discount this one and they'd have a meeting to discuss when to proceed and if different drugs should be used as I was a poor responder this time.
While I was disappointed, I felt strangely relieved. Since last year's miscarriage I have fully applied myself to being a pure vessel ready to carry our child. I changed every element of my life and put such massive restraints upon myself that I have not been enjoying life and clearly it didn't work. I can't live like "oo, I can't use that shampoo/product, it has phalates in... I can't use that container, it's made with BPA, no thanks, I won't have a piece of birthday cake or a glass of wine with my Christmas dinner"... All the DHEA and other supplements - Meh!
So after the hospital we went for lunch and I had my first 2 glasses of wine in an age and a good cry. I promised dh that I would try to be the girl he met again, the carefree, vivacious free spirit who was so alive. That I'd lose the weight I'd put on and be semi-attractive and photogenic again because every photo I've had since this journey began shows an empty shadow -that I've lost something of myself - lost my identification with myself as feminine, womanly and sexy because I can't perform as a woman so I've become a shell on autopilot waiting to regain that identity through pregnancy.
I felt desperate to be free, to dance, let go and stop infertility monopolising every ounce of my life.
So I've decided to start living again. To have the occasional glass of wine and piece of cake, to use lovely normal hair products thst actually make my hair look good instead of chemical free ones that make me look like a mad old hippy. To go out dancing, and to reconnect with my core self.
Yes I'm disappointed it hasn't worked for us this time, but more importantly it's helped me realise that this shadow existence is unhealthy for me and that perhaps it is this lack of pure joy and freedom that is preventing pregnancy.
As I'd ovulated, we came home and ttc and again yesterday but not in the desperate for it to work way but in a freer, happy to just be intimate way. I had progesterone pessaries left from last cycle so started using them again - what will be will be ey!
I'm definitely taking a more casual approach to ttc which will help my mental state and may just help us to conceive.
Now to get back to the girl who'd regularly say - "life is great!" I'm going to start living it again. Xx 😊
Ps, deeply sorry for this mahoosive stream of consciousness style rant but thank you for being my counsellors whoever could bear to read past the first paragraph. And the surgery story wasn't meant for scare - mongering, I guess with any surgery there's risks and the occasional person is unlucky but I'm sure that sort of thing doesn't happen very often so please don't be put off!
Hope your journeys are all going well.
Big luck and love to one and all xxxx
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Pookymama
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I'm so sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience at egg collection. That sounds so horrific 😔 It sounds like you have taken this incredibly well and I am in awe at how positive your attitude is. Not sure I would be the same.
I completely agree with living your life. Between my first failed cycle and this one I went away a few times, did all the fun things I had put on hold, went out with friends, spent money on nice clothes and make up, had a few spray tans - mainly because, like you, when I'm on the treatment I don't feel like I am my true self. I become slightly withdrawn, quiet, grumpy and a little self loathing.
Drink the wine, have the cake, dance with your friends until your feet hurt and come back to this when you're ready. You may even find with the more relaxed lifestyle that your body reacts better.
Wishing you loads of luck for the future and have a glass of Pinot for me 🥂🍷
Hi Kloulou (potentially baby of 1983 like me? 😊), and thank you for your kind response.
I'm a little shocked at my own reaction tbh. I think my heads been so all over the place I needed this to make me realise that I need to start living again as I've been permanently on pause for a long time feeling like I couldn't be happy unless I had a baby. I feel like I've turned a corner now and like I need to remember the other joys in life.
I don't blame you for going out and enjoying fun things between cycles - it sounds like a far healthier way of going about things than the way I was doing them!
Did you have your endo scratch after and have you started treatment yet? Hope all is going well for you lovely!
I think your attitude is amazing and well done for viewing this all in a positive light. ❤️ I think it's the best way to get through this journey with a sane frame of mind!!
I am an 83 baby 👍🏼 It's so nice to meet other ladies of the same age as all of my friends have children.
I did have the scratch in the end. Thankfully I came to this forum as it was information on here that allowed me to book it in time for this cycle. On Day 11 of my down regulating now and feeling ok. Really struggled the first week with bad mood swings and sleepless nights due to horrible hot flushes, but I seem to have adapted now (although DH would say mood swings are still there!!😜) I hadn't had my withdrawal bleed which worried me as I did exactly 7 days in last time, but it came last night, so I feel better about it now.
I also had a new niece arrive this week, so always comes with mixed emotions, but I guess it gives a focus on why we are all doing this to ourselves!
DH has gone to give another sample today so everything crossed it bring better news.
Feel free to message any time if you just want to chat lovely and enjoy your 'you' time.
Well thank you fellow child of the 80s! 😊. It is comforting to see others of our age in a similar boat as most of my friends have children, some in their teens. Aw, congratulations on your baby niece but I'm sorry that you've had to go through the familiar heartbreak of yet another birth, it's sooo hard to get your head around why it just isn't you isn't it? Hopefully though she'll have a lovely little cousin to play with soon! 😊
Oo, how was the scratch? We were thinking about having that next time, what was it like?
Sorry the down regging started off so miserably for you, I'm glad it's improved. So as you've bled now do you go onto stims?
Thank you for the congratulations. We are very lucky to have lots of wonderful nieces and nephews, so it is great to be Uncle and Aunty. One day hopefully we will add to that gang! 😜
The scratch was fine. Only a little uncomfortable and over very quickly. I have no idea if it will help but we didn't do it first time so I thought it was worth a go. They do it by ultrasound like the ET so seeing them do it is probably the worst part.
I have my down reg scan on the 7th March. As I'm on nasal spray I think it takes a bit longer to fully down reg over the injections. I start stim injections on the 9th all being fine.
Hope you have had a nice evening and at least it's nearly the weekend. Hope you have some nice plans. ❤️
I'm glad you're able to enjoy your nieces and nephews, I'm sure you'll have a welcome addition of you're own soon.
The thought of the scratch really goes through me but it's good to hear that it's actually not that bad.
Oo, exciting times ahead then hun, the 7th isn't far away and you'll be PUPO before you know it. Hope you're able to enjoy every minute.
Yeah, a curry with a friend and a family walk up the highest peak in southern Britain and hopefully some down time with my man are on the agenda this weekend. Hope you have something nice planned too.
Pooky I'm in tears in the hospital cafe reading this. I am so sorry that your cycle did not go as planned. I'm glad you've taken the time to put into words how you felt about everything. Your words resonate hugely with the disconnect you feel as a woman whilst going through this process and I wholeheartedly commend you for being brave enough to say it.
Enjoy your glasses of wine, your make up and feeling like you again. Lord knows you deserve it. Sending so much love to you, keep in touch x x x
Thank you so much, that's so kind. We had our transfer this morning. Just waiting for a prescription and then we're off home with our one embie that made it to transfer. Have everything crossed but feeling positive and calm so far.
You just take as much time as you need, this cycle wasn't as positive as our last and I was worried I might end up in a similar situation so I have every sympathy for you. You sound like such a lovely person, I really hope this all works out for you. Take care of yourself x x x
Aw, that's lovely news Mommabear, I'm so pleased for all 3 of you! I bet little embie can feel all that positivity radiating inside you and hopefully it will help him/her grow grow grow!
I look forward to hearing your news as I feel it will be positive.
As for me, what's meant to be will happen when the time is right.
Keep us posted my PUPO pal! Tehe. Hey chicky, you're pregnant, isn't that marvellous! Xxx
Wow pookymama, firstly I'm so so sorry to read your experience. You move been through one heck of a journey and I admire the bravery you have shown throughout all of this. I wish you all the very best in the future and may you both be blessed.
Aw Cocker, the tww can be a real brain fry! Remember though huni, you're pregnant until proven otherwise so though it's damn hard try to relish every moment you can. Lots of self-care - be mama on her Lillie pad cared for by everyone else too! Tehe.
Nah, I had 2 small glasses of wine on Monday when it all happened then came home and had a Nanna nap - i haven't drank in ages so of course I'm rock and roll! Haha.
I'm not gonna go on a wild one now, just not gonna deny myself the odd glass of wine or ben and Jerry's between cycles. I love cooking everything from scratch anyway and eat pretty well so no issues there. I'll just abstain from the naughtys when I'm told I can cycle again.
I will however have a glass of sauvignon blanc for you on Friday.
Looking forward to hearing your next piece of news btw - hope week 2 treats you well.
I've started having counselling but feel, even as a trainee counsellor myself that this forum does more for me! It's nice for someone to say you're strong and such once in while as we don't always see things for ourselves do we? Tehe.
Wow what a journey you have had, I'm crying at my desk reading this and my heart fully goes out to you xx I love how you have decided to find the girl you once were before all the fertility craziness took a hold of you, this is something we all probably should do, I know myself that I've allowed this whole experience to change me.
Sending you big hugs, enjoy your wine and eat the cake, and look after you.
I guess we're all going through a tough old ride aren't we. But sometimes we need to step off the wagon for a wee while, take in the sights and sounds and breathe in the fresh air to rejuvenate us ready for the next leg of the journey.
How's your journey treating you lovely? I hope the magic unfolds for you cxx
Gosh what an experience you've been through at least you get another go with ivf and the team will review your meds again so hopefully the next cycle will have better results and be the one for you. I can totally relate to the becoming a shell of your former self it'd just crippling what it does to your self esteem and outlook on life so good for you allowing yourself a glass of wine and a piece of cake. Before all of this we took it all for granted so I bet you appreciate these treats even more. Wishing you all the best with the next cycle you seem to be doing well to keep the stress under control I just wish there was a pill we could take for this as it's so hard to control at times but im sure the wine helps with that xxx
You're right, it's great that I get another go and maybe the fates took a hand in that so I'd be in the right place next time.
It is crazy all the things we take for granted like sweet treats, cocktails and safe sex for the sake of just that until we want a baby of course... hmm! 😂.
You're right about the pill thing, think we could all do with one at times to help us cope with this ordeal! How're you coping with it all hun?
I believe the dream will come for us one way or the other, I think creating the right conditions which maybe for me means living from my core rather than from self-made shackles could be the way forward and if it isn't then at least I haven't stopped living in the meantime. Having said that I'm sure it's easier said than done - we don't have a switch off button after all but it must be worth a try.
Anyway, i wish you every success with your journey and send positive wishes your way Xxx
I'm waiting for my next period so they can do a scan and then start ivf so very excited and nervous and knowing that I ovulated some time last week still hoping that I may be pregnant. I feel like im a crazy women as I'm over analysing every little twinge but I guess that's what this journey does to us!! So lovely to have this forum to be open and honest about it all. I'm a big believer in fate and our time will come. I fell pregnant last November and I was on a walk before I found out and I saw all these little white feathers and just felt like it meant something and then a few days later I found out i was pregnant, unfortunately I mc but hoping that there is a little egg round the corner waiting to take seed. Wishing you all the best with your next round and enjoy that cake and glass of wine it is very much well deserved xxxx
Aw nmill, exciting times ahead but difficult ones behind you, I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
It's funny what you say about the white feathers thing, the first time we were going through ivf we both found white feathers coming to us which we felt was a sign. Recently before this round, I was cooking and a white feather tapped into my face persistently like it wanted me to notice. And on another occasion when I was out one came to me. I still have it in my pocket as these little "signs" fill me with warmth and hope that my little baby is waiting in the wings and the feathers are to say "mammy I'm coming soon". Maybe it's even angels showing signs of support through tough times. I've become quite open to spiritual and alternative things during this journey. I have fertility crystals on my wrist, kokopeli fertility god earrings in and I do visualisations of my reproductive system/eggs where I ask the universe/angels/god/whatever powers are out there for help with this. I also have an angel of hope keyring hung on my bed and I give her belly a little rub each night. It all sounds mad I know but it keeps the hope and faith alive.
I know what you mean about the hope to be pregnant so you don't have to go through ivf. I've done it both times then symptom spotted and become hopeful with my dh. I'm even doing it now in a way as without the hospital knowing, after i ovulated which prevented surgery we've ttc a few times and I'm taking progesterone left from last cycle in the hope it's happened... I know the risk of potential multiple birth due to the stims etc but quite frankly, stuff it! What's meant to be will be.
I wish you loads of luck with your journey lovely. Keep me posted. Xxxx
I'm so glad that you had the same experience with the feathers I feel like I can't say this to anyone else without them thinking I've lost it, also a couple of days after my mc I found just the core of a feather attached to me and I felt like it was a sign my little one had passed away. The only problem is I'm now desperate to find my angel feather again and I seem to always be looking for it when I'm walking and thinking is it normal to find baby white feathers in January have these always been here!
I understand that you have to try until your next treatment as each month is a potential opportunitie and especially when you've had all the simulation drugs to give you the best chance.
I hope our angel feathers find us very soon 😇 xxxx
oh pookymama, what an amazing post - i am truly in awe of your acceptance.
i am sorry you have been through such difficult times - your resilience is an inspiration to us all.
love your plan to eat cake & drink wine. and who knows, maybe those carefree, no pressure shenanigans will result in that little positive result you so deserve.
Oh Noodles, what a lovely message, I'm touched and grateful for your lovely words.
I guess we're all treading a difficult path and learning from it and about ourselves everyday. I know some of my core values are for freedom, harmony, nurturing and adventure so I've recognised that by constraining myself I have created disharmony which hasn't nurtured my soul. I see now that I have to recapture the ability to treat life as an adventure and not exist in the vision that the only adventure will be a baby.
As you say, maybe freeing myself again will allow that baby magic to happen!
How're you doing my lovely? Hope all is still progressing nicely Xxx
Your experience sounds horrendous, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. So maybe now wasn't your tim,e and the wake up call you needed to become the person you sound like you miss. Enjoy your wine and the luxuries beauty products and celebrate that you get to try again when you feel ready.
We attended the clinic today and had our bloods done for screening and received our drug appointment. All info was a blur but glad it all gets explained again. If all goes to plan we will start next month and timing is perfect as I am off when egg transfer will take place so currently feeling quite 😊.
Aw, that's fabulous news Brenbert! Bet it feels great to be getting the ball rolling? Fab that you're off around the time of egg transfer too - everything seems to be falling into place. Soo exciting! I look forward to seeing how your journey unfolds. Good luck lovely xxx
Wow. Like others have said your story resonates so much.
I also have a slight concern with WTF happened to the woman before you? Was that an ivf ec? How'd she end up with stitches and going long?? Poor woman.
I was wondering why my hair looked bad lol but was trying to be as good as I could be with a slight chance that this small thing could help me increase my chances at creating a life. No pressure!
I'm too thinking this journey is monopolising and draining. At least they backed out of your cycle which gives you a better go when you're ready to try again.
thanks for your message. it sure is crazy where this journey takes us isn't it? How is yours going?
I know its dangerous to surmise and who knows what happened to that lady, but when I had my 1st ec they informed me that if an egg was in an awkward to reach place or too near the bladder etc they wouldn't take the risk to collect it as damage could occur as it's such a delicate process. Like any surgery though, there are risks associated but it's probably a small percentage that are as unfortunate as that poor lady. Comfortingly, I've never heard of ec going awry on any forum before so it can't be common. Fingers crossed she's alright and I'm sure we will be too!
Ah, have you gone all chemical free products too? 😊. We lose so much control in the fertility process that trying to do everything in our power to make ourselves receptive to pregnancy sometimes feels like regaining a bit of control doesn't it? I have to admit I've become a convert on some of the chemical free products, but man am I glad to have lovely scented laundry detergent and Comfort back - the smell is just dreamy! Tehe.
I'm on day 13 of DR first scan on Friday. Not loving the side effects. but not much longer to go.
Ah, erm, I only thought they were mainly in shampoo, deodorant and moisturiser. Oops. Should have known that would crop up in other smelly places lol. On a good note I'm staying in a mercure hotel this week and they have paraben and Silicon free bath products which aren't that bad compared to the body shop ones that seem to strip my hair of all moisture ! A few of those will be going home with me in my bag.
On another brighter note I feel this process is bringing me and my husband closer together which is unexpected.
Did not know that about egg collection but he did say they do it under general as they are very close to a major vein. Poor woman.
Trying to take it one hurdle at a time but I'm a born worrier.
Your words made me think you sound alot more free rather than tied down and suffocated by this horrible situation that so many people find themselves in but no-one talks about. Good for you, sounds like ivfwarrior spirit. X
Aw Em, as I do the short antagonist protocol I haven't had the pleasure of down regging side effects, I only know the ones from stimming and progesterone which haven't been too bad really... apart from the fact that this is week 3 of super sore boobs and bloating that is! Lol.
Yeah, after the miscarriage last Oct I read "It Starts With the Egg" by Rebecca Fett, determined to improve my egg quality and quantity next time I followed All its advice.
We changed bathing products, toothpaste, household detergents, washing up liquid my tupperware from BPA containing plastic to glass, I stopped wearing nail varnish, hair products and my usual skincare.
I took a bunch of supplements, sourced all food from non-plastic containers and ordered dhea from the US like I was smuggling ilicit drugs across the border! Lol.😂.
It would seem though thst for me on this occasion it hasn't done me any good and my all or nothing approach kinda sent me round the twist so I've gotta lighten up a wee bit.
You go for it on the Mercure products huni, place them proudly on your bathroom shelf!😂
Aw, I'm glad it's making your relationship with your husband closer. Going through this shows the strength of our relationships for sure and places so much value on the babies thst come from so much effort.
The "one hurdle st a time" approach has got to be the best way. I'm a born worrier too but ive foubd thst trying to practice mindfulness and bring my thoughts back to the present can be helpful when my brain goes off on a tangent.
I'm a pretty positive thinker in general but think like everyone I have my tied down moments where I drown in this but the free moments are currently overtaking as I've turned a corner - I guess it's a process we all go through in our own way.
I think we're all ivf warriors lovely - we all have the scars and we bravely get back up to fight and win - I tell you one thing for sure, we'll make the best parents! Xxxx
Well thank you beebeestar, although with all this encouragement toward wine I'm beginning to sound like a wino! Haha. 😂. I hope your journey is going well and send you best wishes xxx
Oh pookymama! What a brilliantly written and heart felt post. On initially reading it I thought what a horrible experience for you, however on reflection I think this was actually a very positive outcome for you. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and your post is a perfect example of this. As much as I feel your frustration, this experience has changed your view to a much more positive mindset and I know that you'll go into your next round with a completely different mindset and as much as there is so much pressure on us ivf women to lead almost impossible healthy lives, your mindset is just as important if not more.
Ivf takes over not just our lives but changes our relationships around us and as you say we become shells of our former selves. For me, my outlook has been slightly different, I have naturally become pregnant 4 times, of which sadly all ended in miscarriage or ectopics, however on all these occasions I became pregnant when I was actually enjoying life, going out partying with friends, eating healthy but still enjoying a weekly takeaway and daily treats! And having zero supplements! So my mindset going into ivf was I was still going to enjoy my life....however.... I have changed, take more vitamins then I ever have, eat every fad ivf food they say is good for you, spent hundreds on reflexology and accupuncture, and all to result in 2 chemicals. I know my age won't help, but I'm at the beginning of round 2, eating healthy (but just ete a bag of mini eggs!) but I'm just going to live as normal. Will up my diary (full fat milk) etc when stimming and I don't drink anything when going through a cycle, but I enjoy life still and what will be will be. My amh levels weren't brilliant a year ago so god knows what they are now but life is for living not living for ivf!
So what I'm trying to say is today happened for a reason, it made you reflect and realise things you wanted to change and more importantly that ivf does not have to consume you and your relationship. Relax a little, then go and let your hair down, have fun, party with friends and more importantly get your old self back and re-ignite your relationship and forget ivf and fall in love again, and I promise you, when you re-do your cycle you'll be in a much more positive mind set, mentally, physically and emotionally! Enjoy your time off and sending lots of luck for your next round 😊🍀🎉xx
Aw, what an absolutely beautiful and touching message Baby2016, thank you so much, it was very meaningful to me. 😊
Wow, sounds like you've been through such a difficult journey, yet you've managed to retain your positive mindset and remember that life is for living, and we all know that's no easy feat so I take my hat off to you and your inspirational attitude to all of this.
Ironically, I never tried for a baby while I was "free". Only started when big life stressors were present so maybe that's had an impact. That's part of the goal, to get back to my free - spirited, alive self, for the sake of my mental health, happiness and fertility.
As you say, your natural pregnancies came when you were really living so I now need to try thst approach.
It is crazy that before my first cycle last August I had used a nicotine free vape, had a take away a couple of times a month and some wine every Friday night, i used all standard chemical containing products and I had 9 eggs and a pregnancy, although it ended in mc.
This time after all my efforts and like you hundreds spent on accupuncture I had a poor show.
It's got to be at least a bit to do with the mental strain of trying to reach unrealistic perfection!
You're so right in saying that what happened with me was positive in the way it's promoted healthy changes to my mindset. I'm already behaving a bit more like my old self with my partner and friends and do want to nurture those relationships without the sadness of fertility issues bogging down the joys we used to share.
I feel that on the weekend my dh, friends and I may indulge in a bottle of wine, a curry and a blast on my karaoke to blow away the cobwebs! Tehe.
I hope and pray that this cycle is your time and at the end of it the baby who's been waiting in the wings to be with his/her mama will be finally placed into your arms.
Aww thank you 😊 You already sound much more positive!! 👍👍 life is for living so go and do that now! Your Karaoke night sounds fab!! Love a good karaoke and vodka night! Haha! Sending you lots of positivity, happiness and love xxx
Oh my goodness what a thing to go through I am full of sympathy you poor things!
Your attitude is brilliant and it is certainly time to put yourself first again. Your marriage and wellbeing deserve full attention and I know only too well how much they can get neglected through this. I was certainly guilty of being an IVF machine for a few years and didn't have your positive outlook.
Drink the wine, book the holiday, buy the shoes, the door is still open when you're ready for next time.
It's really strange but it's like a switch has gone off inside me- I've gone from persecuting myself, inconsolable, life cant go on without a baby mode to seizing control back and being excited about life again in a flash... I hope it lasts! I'm guessing ill be cycling again in the next 2-3 months so ill try to take the positivity with me.
Where are you with your journey hun? I hope all is going well for you xxxx
I think your post will have struck a chord with all of us IVF girls. It's such a hard process and it's so easy for us to lose a huge part of ourselves to it. And I think taking a break and doing what's good and fun for you is so important!
Chillax and enjoy life as much as you can! Rekindle love and friendships and go into your next cycle refreshed and full of hope
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xxx
FET cycle cancelled
Pregnant after cancelled IVF cycle ⚠️ 
Abandoned cycle before ec
Second fresh cycle
Clomid didn’t work second cycle?
