Dealing with anger re:aftermath

[moxyfilms]

Hi ladies,

I've probably said this before here but I am today struggling heavily with feelings of anger and loss. I'm two years post op today, which was a robotic laparoscopy including hysterectomy and adhesion dissection (leaving me one ovary that was "grossly normal"). That op taught us about the devastation done to my abdomen by the first surgeon who diagnosed and treated me in 2007 and 2008 in Ireland. Both laparoscopies he performed were escalated to laparotomies because he wasn't an endo specialist, he didn't have the skills to work around the bowel with confidence, and I had absolutely no understanding about this disease and that I should be very careful about who I choose to treat me... and that surgery that invasive was going to do me huge, lasting damage that will plague the remainder of my life.

I, recall at the time, him saying when he came to see me after I finally got out of he high dependency unit he landed me because of his ineptitude, that he had to escalate the procedure because he didn't want to knick my bowel. I made the mistake of returning to him 8 months later for what he promised would be a laparoscopy, and again woke to find my whole belly sutured from one side to the other.

Amazing, the difference, going to a specialist who can perform a MUCH more complicated and lengthy lap AND a vaginal hysterectomy without bailing out and making a complete mess of my abdomen. Unfortunately, the worst damage was done 10 years ago and all that dissection of the adhesions the first doctor created did for me was buy me a year of blessed no pain, the first time I had felt no pain in my adult life. I wish I could return to my last doc (unfortunately he's in the US), but even if I did all more surgery would do now is make my problems worse. I feel organs being pulled and stretched uncomfortably, I can no longer run and cycle and play outside like I used to do, which used to keep me sane. I have constant pain in my right side, my bowels don't function right any more, my rectum is prolapsing, I'm swollen and getting fat, and I'm at my tether's end.

If I can ever get my hands on some CBD oil it would go a long way to managing my pain without ruining my bowels like the opiates do. I am on NHS waiting lists for gyne, as well as colonoscopy and endoscopy to see what's up with my bowels. I've been waiting for a year now.

I'm sorry to say I hate that first doctor, the man who was a fertility specialist who looked at me as an opportunity for HIM to get more experience with endo, rather than telling me he wasn't te man for the job. He just wanted my money. I wish I could go back 10 years. I wish I knew then that I had a choice. I'm so angry.

Sorry for venting, I just don't know who else to talk to. xx

[Starry]

That is such a terribly sad and at the same time horrific story. My thoughts are with you x. Have you talked to your GP about possible counselling options to help you work through this huge life changing trauma?

[moxyfilms in reply to Starry]

MostlymyGP says I'm depressed and wants to give me more pills. I feel very cared for...

I have asked for counselling but to be honest I'm not going to be able to avail of it forever.

[Starry in reply to moxyfilms]

Yes, they lack time and dole out pills instead. Counselling isn't meant to be forever or to create dependency but is important to help you process feelings and develop ways to cope and deal with those feeling if and when they recur.

I've no idea if it is any good but you could investigate the resources from this project: bigwhitewall.com

I struggle a lot with emotions over years due to various life events, but eventually ditched my pills for a rescue dog and sad lamp. dogsfordepression.org.uk

I guess anti depressants must work for some or they wouldnt keep giving them out.

[SarahJH]

Have you considered sueing the first doctor? You are completely within your rights to do so.. Even if it was 10 years ago and hes retired it is still possible. Compensation for his clear lack of knowledge and skill in the opperation and no thought to the effects of your future state.