I was never really all that maternal but never envisaged not having my own children one day. At 35 I decided it was now or never as time was ticking, it never seemed to be the right time before that. I came off the pill and though “if it happens”. It did happen, 6 months later I was pregnant but miscarried at 10 wks, I had a D& C and was bereft. Although not obsessed, I was determined to get pregnant again and have a baby.
However, within 6 months my GP had referred me back to the hospitals Gynea unit for a scan due to severe pain I experienced during one period, on one occasion. I have had never experienced problems before, though periods were heavy, I was on the pill for a lot of years, I was diagnosed with chocolate cysts and stage 4 endo and had lap surgery June 2011 to remove them and the adhesions sticking my reproductive organs, bowel and bladder together. My gynea was confident that with surgery was I would improve my chances of fertility.
Following surgery my cycle was all over the place, I had tests at the GP surgery which est FSH was high, higher than a women of my age; I went on the “endo diet” lost weight and started acupuncture. My GP told me I would not get funding for IVF as I have a step-son. The following February I had a BFP, it was short lived. After just 6 weeks I had a heavy period and lost the pregnancy. I had another BFP in April, again this failed at 5 weeks.
In June last year I had another severe episode of pain and following a scan cysts were found again and had lap surgery as before in November. I haven’t had a pregnancy since. I have been to see the fertility clinic in my local hospital which showed low AMH (means my eggs are few and not very healthy). I have been referred to IVF clinic but think this is a waste of my time TBH.
A few months after my latest surgery I was bleeding from my back passage during my period and the pain is increasing month by month. Following endoscopy of the colon I have deep and penetrating endo of the bowel. I will need invasive surgery, possible bowel resection and short term stoma.
I have had to make a decision; my health or continuing to try for a baby. As I am now 38 (40 next yr!) I haven’t much time to play with. I cannot risk having to have further major bowel surgery in the future and risk having to have parts of the bowel removed, it just ain't worth it. So, my husband and I have decided I should now go on meds to stop my periods altogether as I can no longer cope with the pain, worry and possible long term affects this bitch of a disease is doing to my insides. I feel bereaved for something I have and never will have, its painful. I am coming to terms with it slowly, have stopped crying myself to sleep and waking up crying, stopped blaming myself but still feel a little bitter and sad. Hindsight is an infuriating thing, but if I had have know I would have had kids in my 20s.
Some consolation is that my step-son has children and I am called “grandma” but it’s not the same. I have not bore my own children, I cannot pass on my pearls of wisdom, I have no legacy to leave and the brilliant up-bringing I had from my parents I can’t pass down to my kids and will never feel or experience the immense love a parent must have for their children. It sounds self absorbent but I even think about dying alone on my death bed, who will be at my side? I hope my grand kids, but you never know. That gap in my life will never be filled, I will just have to work round it, but I will shoot anyone who tells me “it’s not the end of the world” why? Can’t you have kids either?
Don’t believe the gynea that says endo doesn’t affect fertility, it can and does and the longer you leave it the worse it gets and the chances of becoming a parent can disappear. If you cannot imagine your life without having your own children in it, don’t leave it too long.
I am trying to be positive about me and my husband’s future. We are saving to go and see my close cousin in New Zealand.
I hope that you all find the strength to mange your illness and cherish the people you love most. xx
