Feeling lost

I am a long term sufferer of depression, and I am struggling at the moment. I have locked myself in the house and I am not answering the door. My place is knee deep in rubbish and I feel like I am being swallowed alive. Heading down that dark tunnel again.

You would think that by now this would get easier to handle but it isn't. Every time I go through this I feel like I lose part of myself. I feel so isolated and alone. My Brothers live so far away and my dad is elderly and in poor health so I just tell them everything is fine when its not. I knew I was coming down but there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I am so tired of fighting, I don't know why I bother sometimes I think it would be easier to let the darkness win. Why isn't there more groups around and more help out there. I hate my life.

My cats are all I have. They give me some pleasure and make me smile. Thank God for them.


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9 Replies

  • Hi Suzy I really think that when it comes to the stage that you are at......

    Not able to take care of yourself, and from what you say about your

    Home being knee deep in rubbish, it seems to me that you need immediate

    Attention. Please contact your Dr. Immediately and tell them what's going on,

    Suzy you need to get help now and unless you go to A & E or your Dr. This

    Will just get worse. Are you feeding yourself and the cats? Please make that

    Call today. Don't be ashamed as Depression is an illness.

    You haven't said much about whether you are on Meds or not, are you working,? Or what age group you are in

    So the best thing is to get immediate help, but unless you ask for it, nothing

    Will change. I can't recommend Tel Nos . as I live in Ireland, but I'm sure

    Someone else can.

    Good luck and hope you go for help today,


  • That sounds awful. I presume you live alone and that is often difficult although can be a blessing because at least you don't have to hide how you feel all the time. Cats are gorgeous, aren't they. What are yours like? We have 4 Burmese and they are all lovely and have their little characters.

    Sorry you have had depression long term - it is hard to cope with isn't it. I have had lots of psychoanalytic therapy and it is only when I formed a really strong attachment to someone and absolutely RAGED at him in writing (would have raged in person if I had still been seeing him) and then found he understood and didn't give up on me that I suddenly found things had shifted for me. Is it possible for you to be referred for psychotherapy if you haven't already had that experience - I say therapy rather than counselling because you need time to form a relationship that will enable you to work through things.

    It must be hard finding yourself living with rubbish all around you - I guess that has sort of crept up on you, but it can't help with depression as there is nothing as overwhelming as a place that is an utter mess.

    Do you have any help from the local mental health team? They are drastically overworked I know but sometimes they are able to provide support via a CPN and in our area they also do provide long term support groups, so it might be worth asking your GP to refer you.

    Mind can also be good sometimes in that they also have regular support groups and can also offer other kinds of help such as one to one support and counselling in some areas.

    Maybe you have tried all of those already and my suggesting them is making you feel even more defeated, I don't know. Ultimately you are the only one who can decide whether to let the depression beat you or to fight it. Presumably you are on meds? I didn't find them helpful in the end and decided to shift the depression on my own, so paid for private therapy (luckily I could afford it) but even then I found it was only when I decided not to waste any more of my life that I managed to find the energy to take charge of my life a little.

    I wonder whether we can support you on this website so you might tackle clearing the mess despite your feeling so low? We are a group here and although we only meet online I found it really helpful to shift the worst of my depression at times. Perhaps if you begin on one room at a time and use us for support then finding your home clearer will probably improve your mood a little although I do know that depression is insidious and has its own momentum.

    Maybe you could begin on one room and see how you get on? Do let me know, message me if you like as I have been there and know how hard it is to manage without support.


  • Hello Suzy

    It has been a while since you have been on here, you know we are always here to give support.

    Like you I have a pet, He is a dog and these helpers never judge or question as long as we feed them they try and keep our moods on the level. So in a way we have the best friends and family that anyone could wish for. Just over three years ago I lost my great friend a Terrier and it really let me down with a bang. When He was one whe took a tranche of holidays then came back to the UK and when to the Dogs Trust and was selected by a Welsh Collie who has given me some real reasons to stay around and not only that has given my Wife something to spoil rotten.

    You say that you have locked yourself away and rubbish has littered your home and you have no wish or feeling to clear the mess. Is there someone wanting to come into your space to clear the mess, is that why you feel you are not wanting to interact with those outside ? Or is there some other reason you are feeling so slack ?

    When I tried to take my life I was in some ways lucky that I had the use of a Day Centre and they were a real saviour for me as they understood my condition and they were able to talk to me in a way that helped me get over what I had done, I had at time of moving been with them for ten years and it was like loosing all my brothers and sisters.

    Could you talk to your GP and the Practice may be able to introduce you to a Day Centre where you can go and talk to like minded people. It does not need to be a Mental Health Day Centre depending on your age or interest there are plenty Day centres that may be useful to get out from those four walls.

    Where we live now we have a charity that looks after strays of cats and dogs, they seem to always want someone to help with the animals something like this in a broad way can help you interact with the outside world again.

    One thing you could do is approach Social Services, they could help you clear your home of rubbish, just a thought. Sometimes they can also point your way to other day centres that will give you confidence in being with people.

    My family does not want to see me again and I have now turned my back on them. So in a way I understand what it is like to have no family so in a way I would love to have that support that I now lack sad to say I now understand I am better off without mine. Be happy you have family that wants to know you.

    Good luck with a search for happiness, life is hard. We all make our way the best we can as we are put here too learn


  • We are put here to learn as it may be.there are times when the vulnerable has to learn by other people's actions.

  • Hello

    I agree with you regards the actions of people around us. My life from a very early age has been at times horrific. I went through at least two incidents of manufactured accidents that many may feel were life threatening.

    Generally with being depressed I have always felt that those with Mental Health problems are the best cure for our associated conditions.

    We learn from those hard knocks and how to read minds of those who would do some people harm. I cannot understand why some people have such aversions to people with health problems both Mental and Clinical

  • Hello Suzy, I am very sorry you are feeling this way. Not taking care of yourself is a sign of a depression. Same with your home. When you let things go to a point it is an unreasonable mess - it says this person is depressed. I still suffer with self-care in my lows of depression. At my very worse I actually used a bed-Pan because it felt like to walk a down the hall to the toilet was asking too much of myself. I am ashamed of those times. But this kind of thing doesn't make someone a dirty housekeeper or anything like that. It just means if a person is living like this- they are,depressed.

    The irony is- once you clean up your,surroundings,- once you have a bath or shower and put all clean clothes on and brush your teeth and comb your hair -you will feel better! You,don't sound like you probably are,eating healthy from feeling this,depressed. Baby-steps is the best to start. Start maybe with your bed. Put on all clean sheets and pillow cases. Then if you can go to the washroom and take the time to have a good soak in the tub or a good shower. In the height of my depression I didn't feel I had the energy to put my hands above my head to wash my hair. And even today it feels like,so much work to dry off with a towel afterwards. But when you feel things like this try to remember that is your,depression talking.

    Think of your cats and how much you love them!❤️ And then go to the sink and start washing their,dishes and your dishes. Dry and put them away and look how much space you have in your sink and counter!

    Like most of us here on this board - you likely need help from a doctor. If you confide in your Doctor- you may feel a relief off your chest just talking to someone who will listen and care.

    Just remember you have depression -'you are not defined by your depression. Be the best cat mom you can to your loved ones! Please talk to your doctor. You do not deserve to be suffering this way!❤️

  • So sorry you feel this way! I can relate to your feelings. It is a struggle and I wish there was more help. We put on a brave face and say we are fine, when really we feel so alone and scared. I wish I had the answer? Believe me there are so many people today who feel this way. Don't feel isolated with these feelings! This site helps us all to feel normal and with the fast lives we lead we need an outlet. It's good to get these feelings out,so share with us all and remember we understand and support you anytime. From elaine, a fellow struggler!! Xx

  • Dear Suziebee, you have my full sympathy and to a large extent my understanding. Depression is an awful condition and as they say to tell you to tidy up and keep the house and yourself well can be like telling a man with a broken leg to walk.

    However you must fight this and walk.. See your doctor (hopefully you have a good one who has treated you before and can prescribe you helpful anti depressants.) You are not alone in having this problem . Usually depression does not strike instantly and its important to make an appointment with a GP as soon as you feel a black period coming on as it will be easier and more effective to do this before the depression really gets a firm grip.

    Are your brothers aware of your depressive spells ? If so you possibly could phone one and tell him the current state of affairs and he might be able to get your GP to call in if you are finding making a GP appointment at this stage too much.

    I know well how deflating it is to find that I am entering yet another of what seems like an endless succession of depressive spells but thats just the way it is for us. There is no rule saying life has to be fair unfortunately.

    Presumably if you have an elderly parent you have got through several years of life with this condition and I'm confident you will have the reserves to come through this spell of depression. You must fight it with everything you have. There is help out there but a large part of the help must come from within yourself by getting up every morning, washing and dressing, and then one room at a time getting the house in shape. Even when we are depressed and thinking and moving more slowly to tidy one room can't take more than a few hours , and to build on that the next day by cleaning that tidy room you will have a room in good shape.

    While this would be nothing to an undepressed person, the rest of us know this deserves a round of applause and a knighthood (you won't get one ). You of all people will know the effort this has taken and it should make sorting the next room easier. Once you have a few rooms in shape then a knock at the door and a visitor who can come into the parts of the house you have tidy is far less worrying. You will feel positive about it too as I'm sure an untidy uncleaned house can add to depression and lack of self esteem.

    I too have a cat and although she's wonderful she certainly does not do her share of the housework but I sometimes think that seeing me making the effort to tidy and clean and to keep her feeding area the same, makes her happier too.

    I tell friends in the spells I have let the house go a bit that although everything seems a colossal effort " I'm sure if I was in a concentration camp and the Kapo came round I would make the effort very quickly." This in a way tells me the effort is not impossible and helps me find the resolution to tidy and clean.

    Best wishes Olderal

  • Brilliant pets do not ever judge

    It is stupid this is Scottish based and used by people world wide

    Hopefully you don't have anyone else making mess

    Can you clean something maybe your tea spoon

    If you can do just the tiniest thing and big huge well done for posting for me it has opened the floodgates

    I don't have to pretend or be nice or look good just smelly old me in my pyjamas with my evil dad out of the way

    May I say I love your mess

    I live in an OCD world trying to be perfect I only feel comfortable with people who have giant warts like me so we can walk arm in arm on here

    Keep posting

    Someone suggested fresh air help I find it is true

    Can you see a sunset if not find your favourite colour and put it somewhere you can see I like the colours of sunset

    Remember to do something small even if it doesn't seem to help keep trying we are only made of dust but we care for you I am blowing a kiss through the air try and catch it x

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