Lost

[lil_avocado]

You know, sometimes I wonder why my mother always treats me so differently. I’ve always been treated different from my siblings, her friends, her boyfriends, etc etc so fourth. I was the one always beat, talked down to, made to felt like shit, and just plain out be the one she hates.. and till this day she treats me like I’m a stranger.

I’ve moved out of her house and am on my own and felt like I finally did something right in my life. I’m free from her blaming my anxiety, my depression. I’m free from her blaming that the way I act is bc I’m off my “meds” or that I need to get back on them ASAP. I’m free from her beating my mental health down every day.

I give her chance after chance and she still proves to me that she’s the same. I feel so so lonely sometimes bc i feel without both parents. My sister is turning into her so much that I fear I can’t talk to her either. I just don’t understand why I have to be so different. Why she can’t just love me as a daughter. I’ve always envied the girls I saw in high school and how great their relationships were with their mothers.

I’m lucky enough to have a mom in law that makes up for everything I’ve very missed or wanted but it still doesn’t fill that huge hole my birth mother has dug.. I just want my mom to be my mom. Not another person that’s hurt me.

[Winniepooh1976]

Hi I get it my mother hated me and told me whenever she could. She beat me and made my life a living hell. She passed away 3 years ago I organized her funeral and gave her a good send off. When she died I had not spoken to her for a couple years. It was a hard decision to make but once I made it it was a blessed relief. I have realised the bad choices she made were her own,nothing I could have done wud of changed her actions. All children deserve love and nurturing something she denied me her bad. I was. Not unlovable or bad the blame is not mine to feel. We all set our own boundary on how far we allow people to hurt ius. Try too set your s have only people who love you around you. Believe you are lovable and lay the negativeness you may feel behind you. Like my !other your mother has made decisions on how she has treated you. Do not let it shape your life x

[lil_avocado in reply to Winniepooh1976]

I agree. Thank you.

[gardengnome]

I don't know if your mother remembers her original logic after more than 20 years, and her mind has probably found lots of ways over the years to justify the position to herself which no longer bare any resemblance to whatever life events which triggered her negative view of you.

My first impulse was to suggest asking her flat out why she is this way with you, but I realise there won't be a worthwhile answer from her.. will grandparents or uncles/aunts have an insight? I don't know.

I have an uneasy feeling that my parents resented me coming along at the time I did, it did change their plans for the future... though they try to hide it these days.

I second what Winnie wrote, it's not your fault that your mother was not able to relate to you, , no that fact doesn't stop it hurting for you,,, if she can't change, then for your own good you may need to limit contact with her .. ... Fill your life with people who value you, who make you smile and laugh

Forgiveness is something that is talked about a lot as therapeutic, but I'll confess it's a skill I find incredibly hard when I have felt betrayed .. I do know that anger keeps the hurt alive for weeks and months and years

I'm sorry the pain is so raw for you, can I send you a cyber hug and an extra large packet of tissues, ,,, keep well xx

[lil_avocado in reply to gardengnome]

I believe she’s this way with me because my grandmother was his way to her. My grandmother is also this way towards me, so are my aunts. They’ve all been affected so it’s a hurting cycle it seems. I won’t let it keep going though. I know how to treat people. It stops with me. Thank you for your time to comment, it means a lot.

Blessings.

[gardengnome in reply to lil_avocado]

I admire your determination to stop that circle from spinning into your future. Stay strong and Be the person You want be..

[lil_avocado in reply to gardengnome]

Thank you so much! 😘 you too!

[SilverSpeed]

I am going to throw this out there... I find some times friends online are some what more better than friends in front of you that can help with what ever the situation is around you physically that is pouring you into a bad situation from family members

I can't give advice but I can explain my situation in which maybe you could learn from maybe

I have to take my medication for my bipolar disorder otherwise after 2 weeks I go bad shit crazy!

Now adding that environment into a heated debate with a family member maybe your biological mum might not help the situation depending on your mental health problem.

I am lucky enough to have good and supportive parents but I don't need to be roll up in cotton wall and I am sure you don't either

Moving out and getting your independence is brilliant and some think I need to do myself so I think that was a massive step for your positive future.

Now all we can do is take each day as it comes and we all need to go and create a great day with a positive attitude.

We maybe lost like I am at the moment but we need structure in are lives to make a better life and maybe taking up some think new that hopefully doesn't cost much to do can have and create great relationships with people in the real world.

Myself I go to group meeting for gambling anonymous and meet around 20 people once a week which gives me strength for the week ahead to not gamble.

I wonder if you go to any meetings for your mental health which could help you create new friends as well as build structure into your life too.

We are not alone in are fights with depression or any other phycological problems we may have.

My family do not understand my mental health problems but I know myself well enough to keep them and me happy I just hope you can do the same in your journey.

All I can say is good luck I will be following you 👍

[lil_avocado in reply to SilverSpeed]

I don’t know you but I will say as a person, I am proud of you!!! And no, I don’t go to any groups but I’d love to. All I have is this online little mental health group thing I follow now and a couple other for anxiety. It seems to help when I feel very very down some days. I get on here, check in and people give feed back, like you. It makes me feel no so alone bc a lot of people on here are a lot like me.

Moving out was hard. I’m 18 years of age. It was a huge step in my life. I was scared, lost, empty. I had nothing. I still feel a bit lost in this world but I have a whole life and experiences I still haven’t lived. I’m determined. I can take on anything.

I thank you so much for taking the time to check in with me and following me. I will follow you too. We are all on a journey. We all are healing. We are all worth it. ❤️ blessings forever.

[SilverSpeed in reply to lil_avocado]

Life is what you make of it so put all the ingredients together and you should be able to make a tasty fine cake and continue to make great things.

Finding a group of some sort should help. As I say the power of a group of people can change your life 👍

I force myself in the morning and say I am going to create a great day which keeps me positive no matter what is thrown my way.

Also I write poetry to keep my mind busy too and write down my depression in poems. It works for me 👍

[lil_avocado in reply to SilverSpeed]

Thank you for the advice!

[Hidden]

True what you say..but you know what?..they say blood is thicker than water..and ill rather drink water than blood..stay away, at the same time remain that beautiful daughter you are.. your mother is like that because you let her be like that..don't look for answers..Just love her the way she is and keep your distance..My mum is like that too..she has done so much damage to me but I can't blame her..I blame myself. Do you understand..oh yeah, firstly forgive her..and secondly you did the right thing by moving out..

[Hidden]

My mother father and sister are the same..I cop it from left right and centre..I got so paranoid to the point I thought I was a retard, dismorphic, spastic or something and that they never told me..I thought they reacted like that coz it was too hard for them to deal with me..so I video recorder myself for an hour and played the recording to watch to see if I was acting strange, disabled, compulsive or anything but I looked normal..I then asked some of my friends individually if they notice i do any thing compulsive, or talk funny, or do I act like dysfunctional, maybe if they hear me talk to my self, and they said no..I then realised, it was them, my family with a problem..but it's taken an emotional toll on me..they fucked me up..but I know it's my fault..all I wanted was the closeness and family love..I was blind at their insecurities they lay on me..but now I see it all..