Trying to Make the Changes!!

[En1234]

I am now waiting on the bus to go to the new job I started last week. This is my second week and part of me is really looking forward to it and part of me is dreading it. I keep telling these negative thoughts to "Go away and Leave me Alone". The whole week was OK last week and over the weekend I felt really good because I had got the first week under my belt. I am working with some really nice people and the trainer is really lovely as well, so there is nothing for me to worry about. She has reassured us on a couple of occasions that it is going to be quite daunting in places as there is a lot to take in.

I actually had a chat with the trainer on Friday afternoon (she said there are a few wee "negative" things I need to get rid of. Apparently, I say things like "Hopefully", in a couple of weeks I will feel more relaxed" when actually I should be saying "In a couple of weeks I will feel more relaxed" (Get rid of the word "Hopefully"!!!??, things like that) I told her that I dont have confidence issues as such but DID tell her about what had happened to me in my last job. Sometimes I can appear the most confident of people in any one given day and then some days I waken up and feel like the most vulnerable person on earth but have to get through my day PRETENDING that I am really confident when all I want to do is sit in a corner, cry and beat myself up for "not being good enough"....When someone does something so nasty to you it CAN take a while to let it go but I think I am doing OK. I dont feel as bitter but sometimes there are hiccups. I dont feel like this because I choose to, it is just there but I think I am coping with it better today than I was a few weeks ago!!

I WISH this would stop happening to me. It seems as though whenever there is sunshine in my life, there always seems to be a dark cloud looming with a big grin on its face letting me know that this happiness I am feeling is not going to last!!

I know deep down there is no dark cloud but only me who is putting up these brick walls. I will make a special effort today to try and change my thought pattern and see how it goes. I really want this to work this time!!

Please dont feel you have to reply to this. As usual I am writing it all down on here as it is quicker than writing it on paper. Reading it back to myself I may be able to make sense of how I am feeling this morning. (I always try to think, "If someone else was feeling his way, what would I do or say to help them?" and then try and apply the same to myself but it is easier said than done eh?").

Anyway, getting read to leave so here goes!!

Hope all my friends on here are OK this morning and feeling well (or as well as can be).

Theresa XXXX

[Sandia]

It’s never easy to start a new job, I’ve been at mine now for two months and I just had to take it one day at a time. Don’t beat yourself up too much but I also take time at lunch to go somewhere alone for a few minutes to do some deep breathing and just clear my mind. It can be a long and exhausting day so make sure you still do self care. Good luck!

[Hidden in reply to Sandia]

You are absolutely right Sandia. Any change takes time to adjust. Theresa, you have done the difficult bit - getting the job in the first place. The confidence will come, trust me. Take care,

[En1234 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your comments Sebastian.

I am not going to lie to you but I had the most awful day yesterday. I had to leave the classroom as I felt I was having some sort of panic attack and literally felt the whole room closing in on me. I am sitting here just now waiting on the bus because I feel I NEED to try and get over this or in a couple of months time I will be back at square one and having to look for another job and that is not what I want. I am finding it really difficult living in a small flat with a son who does nothing and will not even speak to me. Until yesterday I did not realise just how lonely I have become. The sense of worthlessness is overwhelming and I feel I am frightened of letting myself and everyone (including my friends on here) down!!

My mum came over last night and I sat and told here EVERYTHING. She had no idea things had become so bad, about the awful feelings I have been having and trying to hide it. She also spoke to my son at some length and she was totally disgusted by his attitude towards me and her!! However, there is not a lot she can do to help there.

She is of the opinion that I should NOT be working and should be visiting my GP to see if he can help me mentally. Last night I told her I felt that my head was on fire in the inside and I just wanted peace. I think my son doing what he is doing to me is affecting me more than I realise. I told him last night to go, that I didnt want him living with me anymore. I know he was crying in his room but he just wont speak to me!! I feel that for months now I have been mentally abused by this boy and it has knocked my confidence in more ways than one.

I will go in to work today and see how it goes, but to be honest I just feel like throwing in the towel, I am so tired!

Last night I lay awake thinking of ways I could just leave this earth. If I had some alcohol and went to the river, would I feel myself drowning or would I be so far gone it would just feel like I was floating and going to sleep? .. I cannot believe myself that I am having these thoughts again!

I just cant do this anymore and to be honest, I am fed up and tired (literally) of having to "try" all the time.

I want so badly for things to change for me but not having any close support is making it really hard.

I am so sorry for this long post. Maybe it will be my last one because I know there are bound to be people on here who are sick of listening to me.

XXXXX

[Hidden in reply to En1234]

Hiya, so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you. I assure you that no-one here will be 'sick of listening' as you say. You deserve to be heard. I do agree that visiting a GP is something to consider to get some support. I suppose you have to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages of the job. Going out to work and interacting with new people might be better than being at home all the time, where you are isolated? What do other people think about that? Take care,

[En1234 in reply to Hidden]

Hi again Sebastian (thank you for listening this morning),

I have not long come in and I did my best today. I have resigned myself to the fact that I can only go in and try my best. If, at the end of the training, my employers dont think that I am suited to the job then they will have to tell ME but for as long as I have this job, I have a wage. It is hard to switch off your feelings but I am trying to do this too. If I can concentrate on learning the job and NOT think about my son and what is going on at home, then maybe I will be able to get on but there is just SO much information to take in. On of the Department Heads said that it will probably take about a full year before I can really say that I know what I am doing. Maybe if I can adopt more of a "couldnt care less" attitude instead of overthinking things then it will come easier to me.

The problem with me is that I have always thought I was NEVER good enough and I am telling myself that I AM good enough and that I DESERVE to be here in this job but then I see other people picking things up when I am struggling so I go back and tell myself "See, you were right the first time - your NOT good enough!"....I am also trying really hard to change this mindset.

So many changes, so many things to learn. I am trying to embrace it and know I am lucky to have it.

Tomorrow, I will get up, get ready, go to work and be grateful that at least I CAN!!

XXXXX

[Hidden in reply to En1234]

There's no point comparing ourselves to others - we are what we are, unique. Just be yourself. Take care,

[hypercat54]

Hi En congrats on getting the job in the first place especially in competition with the youngsters! You are doing very well as it's never easy in a new job is it. Each day will get easier and one day soon you will be flying. Remember how you felt when you were out of work? Being in work is much better! x

[En1234 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks Hyper. I hate classroom training. I am always used to one to one training and to be honest if I could just focus on myself instead of worrying that I am going to be the slowest in the class and I am going to be the one holding everyone back, then maybe I would get on better. I dont know what is wrong with me. I used to be one of the most confident people I knew, these days I am frightened of my own shadow!! I am going to stick at it and hopefully by the end of the 6 weeks i will feel more relaxed and will feel it all coming together. (At least thats what everyone says, so heres hoping!!)

Hope you are keeping well and are OK today!!

XXX

[hypercat54 in reply to En1234]

I think a lot of us feel like that than En especially when we get a bit older. I think for you it is the fact that the others are all a lot younger. When I was doing similar classroom training the ones who weren't young had all been working in the system apart from me and this other woman. She gave up after a few weeks and left.

I persevered and was fine on the job as there was always someone to ask as well. Like I said before you know it you will be flying and I bet one day you will be the trainer! x

[En1234 in reply to hypercat54]

Its funny you should say that, I was speaking to one of the trainers on Friday and she said she used to go home in tears because she thought she would never pick it up and now she has been there for 7 years and has a training post. (I would say she looks as though she is in her 50's too). I just want to be earning money again in a place where I feel happy, settled and know what I am doing. It is only the second week and today is only really the second day we actually started using our PC's but I know I need to give it time. After the 6 weeks is up then I hope I will be in a better position about how it is going to go. As usual, I think I am being too hard on myself. I need to just count my blessings today and be grateful for the fact that I can get out of my bed tomorrow morning and have a decent job to go to!!

Will keep you posted!!

Thanks again!!

XXX

[hypercat54 in reply to En1234]

Please do. I will bet too that you don't realise how much you have already picked up! x

[clovislorry]

Hi Theresa - try to stay the strong woman you are. You did amazingly well in your first week - but you forgot to mention your 100% score in one of your assessments! Like me you tend to focus on what you see as your failings instead of your achievements, and as an onlooker I can see that's a habit that's hard to break. However, your trainer sounds very intuitive and is there to offer support in those self-doubting moments. But you're doing so well. I am full of admiration for you, the way you've kept moving forward instead of staying in jobs that were not right for you. Well done - I wish I'd had half your strength when I was younger.

One thing that might help - may I suggest that you read back on the last couple of posts you made last weekend, where you were full of optimism and determination? Let that be your inspiration this week, and remember I am always here if you want to chat.

Lorraine xxxx

[En1234 in reply to clovislorry]

Hi Lorraine,

Thank you for being such a good friend on here and I really appreciate your support. I know, I forgot to mention my 100% pass. Its funny, we got another assessment today before we left at 5pm and I thought I was really struggling. I dont know how I managed to get 90% pass but I did. (I actually came home feeling quite low because I got the LOWEST score - 90%?? - you had to get over 80% to pass so at least I did).

What I find most exhausting is that I dont just feel as though I am trying to learn the same as everyone else. I am trying to come across as confident, taking it all in my stride, smiling when inside I am screaming and hiding the vulnerability I am really feeling!. (£Hopefully, This too shall pass??").

But I am going to take your advice and read back my previous posts. Hypercat was right in what she said as well about it feeling better having a job than not. At least if I have got one then I can at least try and make it work but if I dont have a job then I am back to square one. I really DO like this place though and really WANT to be there. The last couple of places, to be honest I just didnt want to be there.

Thanks again for being there!!

Theresa.. XXXX

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi En1234, I just wanted to wish you all the best in your new job and hope today went well. Thank you and best wishes.

[En1234 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you very much for your kind comments. Much appreciated!!

Theresa.. XXXX

[TalulahGrammar1989]

Stay strong my friend and remember you are smarter, stronger and more wonderful than you know!