49 year old man, not working now through choice, a long story. I've had depression before a few years ago but now it is back and this time quite different with suicidal feelings it is quite overwhelming. No idea what do do. I recall that my GP wasn't too helpful years ago and I don't share my true feelings anyway. I don't have friends at all any more, my family lives 200 miles away and I can't admit how I feel to them. My OH is lovely - she knows I am down but not the extent. She works away most of the week so I spend my days alone, I mean literally not speaking to another human being for days on end. I can rationalise why I should die. I don't contribute anything, nobody cares what I think do or say. I am truly worthless. The things I used to love - music the outdoors, cycling, walking are empty now. Exercise was my way to happiness but even that has been infected. It seems so pointless. I despise myself even for eating, existing, using up food when others need it more than me. I know that sounds strange but it is how I feel. I've done all this to myself for a reason I cannot work out. I'm typing this on an internet forum with no idea what I expect to happen. Isn't the truth that there really is no meaning to this life?