Lost

[webern]

49 year old man, not working now through choice, a long story. I've had depression before a few years ago but now it is back and this time quite different with suicidal feelings it is quite overwhelming. No idea what do do. I recall that my GP wasn't too helpful years ago and I don't share my true feelings anyway. I don't have friends at all any more, my family lives 200 miles away and I can't admit how I feel to them. My OH is lovely - she knows I am down but not the extent. She works away most of the week so I spend my days alone, I mean literally not speaking to another human being for days on end. I can rationalise why I should die. I don't contribute anything, nobody cares what I think do or say. I am truly worthless. The things I used to love - music the outdoors, cycling, walking are empty now. Exercise was my way to happiness but even that has been infected. It seems so pointless. I despise myself even for eating, existing, using up food when others need it more than me. I know that sounds strange but it is how I feel. I've done all this to myself for a reason I cannot work out. I'm typing this on an internet forum with no idea what I expect to happen. Isn't the truth that there really is no meaning to this life?

[Suzie40]

I agree that life's a bit shit, and there probably are people who need your dinner more than you do. Just like there are people out there probably more deserving of my salary than me. Doesn't mean I'm not entitled to enjoy it though. For how long has your glass been so empty? It's great that your partner is supportive, but it's not much use to you if she works so far away. I wouldn't read too much into your GP's attitude. He may have used the time since to up-skill. It would be worth checking in again. He might even be retired by now, for all you know. What you can expect from this forum is to find a whole bunch of people who would genuinely love you to feel better, and will try relentlessly to help that happen.

[webern in reply to Suzie40]

thanks Lucy. I'm not the kind of person who asks for help, but this has been going on for months now and it is building up. I've always imagined I could think and work my way out of any problems, and that needing help was for other people not me. I just don't understand what is happening and why I can't seem to make a start to fix it. My GP diagnosed my depression before, I didn't actually mention it to him, so I shouldn't really criticise him. It was odd though, I just had a short course of tablets (I didn't even know what they were for, didn't ask, that is typical of me - a nurse explained they were anti-depressants when I saw her about something unrelated). I will make an appointment. At our practice we can see any doctor we like.

[webern]

thanks Bev, I'm going to see the doctor, a different one if I can. Can't get an appointment for a couple of weeks. Must be honest though and say the thought of sitting in front of the doctor and talking about how I feel is grim.

[Photogeek]

Hi there it does sound to me that you are socially isolated even though you are

Married. If you are not working.and have no interaction with anyone on a daily basis,

That is a sure recipe for Depression.

Antidepressants will help but you will need to change your way of living

And get out and do things otherwise you won't solve anything .

It's hard being alone every day. Think about some changes you could make to

Break this feeling of being alone. We are social animals and we all need other

People. Keep us posted with your progress

Hannah

[Jeffju]

You really need to tell your doctor exactly how you feel, not always easy for men ,I know, and then they will be able to put in a plan to support you through this horrible time you are having. Could be with more meds and counselling but they have to know the depth of your feelings.

Unfortunately, in this world there will always be others worse of than you but you can't take all that guilt on your shoulders!!

First thing is to see a doctor and second thing, when you are feeling a wee bit better, is to see what you can do to get interacting with people. There will be places near you that need voluntary workers. I did this for months and it is very rewarding and people really appreciate you being a volunteer for them.

I am lucky to have found a little part time job now but that voluntary work kept my mind busy and occupied and during those hours my anxiety/ depression lifted and I felt valued.

Keep coming on here as well. We all understand how you feel and people are very kind and supportive on this site. All the best, Julie. xx

[Gambit62]

Moments

Fleeting moments

Pleasure

In a sea of fatigue

Not enough

To give life zest

To make it more

Than passing of time

Twixt birth

And death

That's just to let you know that the feelings aren't just you.

Glad to hear that you are going to the GP. Sounds as if you are very stressed - probably by the isolation - my own theory is that thoughts of death and suicide are quite natural when we are really stressed - and that's based on people who aren't depressed sharing experiences with me. I think for most people it acts as a kick up the bum and makes them go away and find/do something else but for some of us it just gets in a loop - making us more stressed so the thoughts come quicker and faster. For me the trick - having realised it was a loop was to stop fighting them in the sense of struggling to ignore them and accept that they were there but didn't have the meaning that they seemed to have at face value ... I actually visualised them as unwanted callers and instead of cowering inside the house and pretending I wasn't there I opened the door and politely told them that I wasn't interested. It took a while but they got the message - and the while was no where near as long as I thought it would take - I thought it would be weeks at best but actually it turned out to be days. Now when I get a thought of that sort my reaction is 'oh, I'm a bit stressed' and I don't get caught up in the spiral.

I hope you find some way out of the isolation soon - posting her was probably a good first move.

[1darkangel]

I found it very difficult to tell my doctor my true thoughts and feelings but eventually decided that it was best to write it all down and this was the best thing I did as I just gave it to him and he finally understood my mind, which in turn he helped me the best he could with medication and CBT Therapy which is helping a lot.

[webern]

thanks for the replies - I really appreciate people taking the time to respond. I've read them all through a few times now. There are ideas that also confirm my some of my thoughts about what to do, which is useful. Of course the difficult part is actually making myself do it. There are a couple of other issues that I'm sure are adding to the depression, but maybe that's for another time.

[MrCareBear]

I can definitely sympathise with your situation. I too have gone through episodic periods of depression where I have lost the element of enjoyment from things I used to enjoy doing. All in all, it sucks that you don't have a solid support system. You seem like a nice enough guy from all the comments you've written, to not have any friends. I don't quite know what an 'OH' is, but I'll assume its a life partner?

I concur with something a previous person said. And that is to write down all your feelings and problems by hand onto a piece of paper, then perhaps giving that to your new doctor. Its an effective alternative to speaking to them if you find speaking about your problems in person that cringy.

Not to mention the cathartic release.

Either way, we're here for ya fella.

[webern in reply to MrCareBear]

Thanks, yes OH is my "other half" we've been together for 20 years but never got round to marrying. I make friends very easily; I can be quite outgoing when I want to be and I love people. But my friends were all connected with work and for various reasons that means they are geographically distant so we don't socialise at all any more (neither me or my OH). So there is no opportunity to meet new people. Similarly my older friends are a long way away as we've moved house. We live in a quite remote house too, so not even in a village. I can see that I need to volunteer or take part time work, it's just making the first move that is not easy for me.

[Adorable1]

Hi

First moves are the hardest definitely, you will be so pleased if you make the moves though. Things can fall into place. To have a structure and a purpose really helps. Sounds like you have started to plan with a visit to your GP. Mine is a long story and I won't bore you with it, but was in a very dark place could see no way out, no friends new area in a secluded place, felt like I was a burden. Gradually I have turned that around. I made moves to do this initially on the odd good hour..I still have bad days they are less though and not as often. I have completed a course to help others with mental health issues and life is different.

I totally understand you and the way you feel, believe me there is hope and it's out there.

Sue x

[webern in reply to Adorable1]

Sue, I would really be interested in hearing how you managed to turn things around. I'm trying to get a "roadmap" in my mind (to use a horrible corporate-speak term...) so I can drag myself away from this mire. Hearing about someone who has made progress would help, as I tend to visualise future life in terms of time and milestones. I'm a devoted list and plan writer. Anyway, anything you feel you are OK to share will be gratefully read.

[webern]

All - thanks again for the kind and thoughtful responses. I did get to see my GP this week but not about the depression. I had another issue that was causing me a great deal of anxiety; a long term stomach pain, that I am now being treated for (early diagnosis is that it may not be too serious). I think this was also adding to my mental state, as I have felt better since my visit. I've also stopped drinking alcohol. This seems to be helping too. I have been a very heavy drinker for many years. My excessive drinking added to the guilt and feelings of worthlessness. I know that the depression is still there - I often feel like I might burst into tears which is totally unlike me. I was the sort of person who hardly ever cried.

Anyway, back to the GP - I could only get a single appointment this week, but the plan now is to continue off the alcohol, do as much outdoor exercise as I can manage, and see how I feel when I go back to the doctor (which I have to do next month anyway). I do have deep reserves to call upon, it's just that I'm testing them to the limit at the moment.