Not sure if this is the right place to post but looking for some feedback or advice.
My Auntie passed away suddenly at only 53 beginning of December last year. This came as a big shock espically as I did not know straight away she was in hospital and then later found out she was in intensive care.
The reason I did not know was because of difficult family relationships and her son (my cousin). Long backstory.
due to abuse and previously attacking and causing gbh (grievous bodily harm) to a family member we do not have contact . He lived with my aunt so we could also not have contact with her by visiting or even by phone. He would steal and sell any mobile phones brought and she could not have a home phone as would just end up with a huge bill and in debt. He would drive anyone outside away due to his aggressive and unpredictable behaviour.
I have had counselling in the past due to him as aside from the abuse to various family members (mentally and physically) I was abused by him when I was early teens.
he has repeatedly come to where we live despite him knowing he is not welcome. Police have been called or notified many times though cannot do very much .
I am ashamed to say I did not visit my aunt in hospital initially through fear of having to see him. I was not aware of how serious the situation was until a week later, I had not known if my auntie was already home . I got up to see her as soon as I could .
Meanwhile things had taken a bad turn and I see her the night before she passed. The machines were being turned off as we were told there was nothing more that could be done. I had planned to go up again first thing in the morning but got the call early hours of the morning to say she had passed away.
I called my employer later that morning to notify them what had happened. I was off that day but due to work the next day and explained I would not be fit to work the next day as too upset was just about holding it together on the phone.
they said they would see what they could do regarding cover .(I work as a care worker going to clients homes) They later let me know they had managed to cover my shift. I expressed my thanks.
The following day I didn't feel ready to return in a days time and they basically told me I couldn't have the time off as they needed me in and I couldn't keep taking time off (had had a bad couple of bouts of illness)
I returned to work and burst into tears just after visiting my first client. I really struggled through the remainder of the week and was not sleeping and eating . The anxiety also of him was affecting me.
I went to the doctors the following week as was finding it all very hard to cope and was signed off of work for a bit over two weeks. Work were not happy about this and more or less said I had let them down espically with Christmas coming up.
I spent the time off not feeling I could grieve for my aunt as the anxiety of my cousin and the situation was getting to me and on top of that feeling guilty and crappy (to put it politely ) for being off work.
Shortly after I returned to work they had me go to a meeting regarding time off sick to ensure I had not taken the time off so I had the Christmas period off and it was down to grief. This upset me deeply and I still have a bittertaste regarding it. But thought for sake of my job to put it aside. To this day they have not even said they are sorry for my loss or expressed any condolences.
Now my Aunties Funeral has finally been arranged (very very delayed due to difficult circumstances ). I have to let my work (who did not know I had not even had the funeral yet) it has now been arranged for in a little under two weeks.
I feel sick with anxiety as I know we will have to see my cousin and he has already expressed to another family member he plans to try to talk to me and build a relationship again. I know any communication he will use as an opening to come to our home.
This is aside from the fact it's going to be such a distressing day after the circumstances of my aunt and length of time .
I am due to work just the morning the day following the funeral, the day of would be a normal full day (rota not set yet) . I honestly don't feel I will be up to work following the day of funeral . I know anxiety will be through the roof and will effect my ibs .
In light of how they handled my Aunt passing I'm wondering how to word that I would need the day of funeral off and following so two days ?
Sorry for the very long post any advice greatly received
Xx
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Hopingforasign
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In relation to your cousin - it might be that an organisation like Relate might be able to help - at least provide neutral ground where you could talk and get him to realise that he isn't welcome ... but again I'd suggest speaking to Citizen's Adivise - particularly as it sounds as if the police have been involved in the past
Yes it is a very complex situation with cousin spanning back to when he was young.
My work don't have a staff handbook, not even a Hr centre very small organisation, just one office. So it's difficult to know where I stand.
Was told though they don't give compassionate leave for an aunt as not immediate family "which is the same in any company".
In regards to cousin I didn't think of citizens advice. Yes police have been involved many times there was an injunction on him which has now expired . Police have told us to try to get another otherwise not a lot they can do.
Unfortunately a service like relate would not work . Any of the reasons we don't want contact :the violence bullying stealing he will not admit he has done . We are all at fault. He is never to blame.
If you try to talk to him he does the adult equivalent sticking his fingers in his ears going la-la-la. He will not hear any reality. Or most often he just become aggressive and screams and shouts .
I really appriciate your suggestions and wish we could try to resolve the situation without getting police and courts involved. Thankyou again for your reply.
company's do vary on compassionate leave though it wouldn't be common for full leave to be granted in relation to an aunt, unless they were a dependent or had acted in loco-parentis (as a parent). Bit of a shame that a company in the business of caring appears so uncaring about its employees
have you been in contact with any victim support groups? it doesn't make the situation go away but it does put you in touch potentially with people who have been through similar and are going through similar and who really do know what it is you are going through.
Yes you are right. I don't mind not being granted compassionate leave. I would just like to be granted time for the funeral to grieve my aunt without being expected straight back to business after it or the next day. As this will not be a usual situation.
I have been in touch with victim support for advise regarding my cousin, but not support groups no. Maybe something to consider later on.
I'm so sorry you've been going through such a traumatic time and for so long too and for the loss of your Aunt.
You haven't mentioned which country you are from and that would be helpful for referral.
One blessing is you did get to see your Aunt the day before she passed thankfully. The circumstances of your relationship have made it particularly hard for you to bear and if you attend the funeral, this will most definitely prove an anxious time both leading up to, and the day itself.
Regarding your employer, I feel it would look far better for you if you could have the courage to go in and explain that you realise you have had a lot of sickness in recent months and that you need time off to attend the funeral, most employers would give one day for close family, if you wanted more then you can ask that the time is taken from your holidays.
One other thing I'd like to mention, you may like consider asking your doctor for a sick certificate and also discuss referral for talking therapies as you clearly have a good deal to come to terms with.
Very best wishes to you and do stay in touch, our members are a great support here.
Yes you are right about the circumstances of relationship with aunt made it hard to bear and the guilt was awful. It still is.
I have contacted my employer, the dates were passed along to management, waiting to hear outcome.
I think going back to talking therapies maybe bereavement (but also relationship based if possible) would help.
I was recently having ivf treatment so have been trying to put my energies into that as I knew going into counselling for this issue would just keep me in a constant state of stress while managing treatments appointments ect.
Now just about to go for counselling fertility specific though as the cycle has ended (treatment failed). So think it's best to complete that then address the issues with my cousin.
I don't think another certificate from the doctor is the best idea with my current employer as they were not understanding about my grief immediately after the event.
They could not see how being signed off benefited me as "there was nothing I could do now". So really don't feel it wise to get signed off for ongoing issues.
hi.im sorry to hear of your aunts passing I'm sure all our thoughts are with you and your family.thats terrible the way you are being treated by your work specially being a carer you would think they would show more compassion towards you.could you maybe swap shifts with someone at work just to give you an extra day to recuperate.anyway I would be wanting to have a look at my contract regarding bereavement because its not fare on you.if you feel you can talk to your cousin then do it near other people just to keep you right/safe.i think your suffering anxiety maybe.why don't you try make an appointment with your gp and explain your circumstances I'm sure they will support you.even a close friend.take care god bless.
Yes I feel they haveven not been very sympathetic towards me and this has been the same for other carers with family members some more immediate. So it's not just that my aunt (my mother's sister) is not close enough in relationship.
I will see what they say as have now asked them regarding the dates. Waiting for a reply.
Contract doesn't say anything regarding bereavement that I can see.
I may go back to gp but don't want another note while at this company. Don't think it will help relationships with them.
It's very hard for people to know how to support me as such a complex situation. Thankyou for reply
sorry but Ia m not sure you would be entitled to more than the funeral day off.....are you sure caring is the right job for you....you may be better in something less emotional. I should ask your GP to sign you off again so you can think clearly....am really sorry for your life experiences...Chris
Thankyou for reply . No I understand they wouldn't normally grant more than a day. Just wanted advise how to word the request. This situation isn't along the usual lines of attending a funeral.
I really don't feel asking to be signed off will help relationships at work.
I naturallying feel stressed and anxious with the funeral now looming that I will have to face him. The lead up to funerals can be hard enough without this added element.
I feel capable of doing the role I do. We have had clients pass away and it is sad. We feel it for a few days ,maybe the week if seeing client each day. but not going to that client we can feel a gap. Then soon enough the time is filled with a new client. And we are then helping that person. It dosnt have a long term affect .
How my employer have handled the bereavement of someone being in my life from birth is not helping me try to cope with this. I feel if I felt they were more understanding it would enable me to get on a little better.
Gave them the dates on Thursday was told the dates will be passed along. (Been put on the rota to work Funeral in the meantime). Called today told will get back to you.
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