This evening I had to make the decision to put my 35 year old horse down.
He has been suffering from occasional bouts of colic for the past few years and he had a severe heart murmur. Today he came down with colic again but wasn't responding to the drugs that they were giving him. He was exhausted and due to his heart murmur, he couldn't be sedated for surgery and the amount of times they could keep injecting him with the pain killers was looking fairly limited. I made the decision to put him to sleep. I guess I just need to hear from others that have had these experiences to know that what I'm feeling is normal. I feel numb one minute. Guilt the next. Then a kind of relief that he won't go through this again. Then a terribly deep sense of loss that there is no coming back. Is this all within normal? Could I have a mental problem because I'm not hysterical? Should I be hysterical? I don't know what to really feel. What is considered normal for this loss and having to make this decision? Did I decide too early, too late or is there never a right time? I'm sorry to bother everyone with this.
Thank you in advance.
Lee
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Lbk64
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Please forgive me if I don't answer any responses for a little while. It's a cold winters night in Aus and I'm going to try to get some sleep.
Again, thank you.
Hello Lee,
First of all can I say how sorry I am that your horse has been put to sleep. My heart goes out to you. It is not an easy decision to make and sometimes we have to make the decision quickly. None of us want to prolong our pets suffering when there really is nothing further that can help them.
Feeling numb and guilty are perfectly normal feelings after a much loved pet has been put to sleep. It is inevitable that you will question yourself, talking from experience I asked myself whether I had made the right decision at the right time. I think we question ourselves as we are trying to make sense of the passing of our pet. I think we know in our hearts that we made the right decision for our much loved pet. I think we feel numb because that helps us to get through initially. The feelings of intense loss and relief you describe are normal and a part of processing all that has happened.
From what you have described I do not think you have a mental problem. You are grieving for the loss of your much loved horse. There is no right way to grieve and no wrong way. We all have different intensities of emotion. I thought I would be distraught when my 16 year old dog was put to sleep but I felt only relief that she did not suffer any more. It was only later that I cried and then I cried gentle tears.
Lee, it takes time to come to terms with the loss of a much loved pet. Your feelings and emotions are a normal part of grieving for your much loved horse. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. We are always here for you.
Thank you so much for your kind words. The feelings are much more real this morning. I managed to get some sleep but had a dream that he was still alive and had recovered from the colic.. Maybe the brain trying to process it all. I have been down to see him again this morning. I told him I loved him and apologised for having to put do what I had to. I cut a little piece of his mane to keep.
I'm just arranging to have him buried on our property.
Yes, they can. I have a lot of dreams and they're usually always vivid.
I'm glad we have the opportunity to be able to bury him here as well. I couldn't stand the thought of him going anywhere else. My little granddaughter brought him a rose for his grave. She is only four and a half but knows more than her little years. My hub is going to make him a concrete headstone, nothing huge but just a reminder of where he is.
Thank you again for being here and so understanding.
Hello there Lee and a very warm welcome to our Community.
I'm so very sorry that you had to make this painful decision but you know in your heart it was the right decision.
Your emotions will be up and down for a good while I'm afraid but please don't worry that you may have a mental health issue, you don't. It's perfectly normal and this is how painful grief is. I do feel that the stronger the bond we have with an animal, the more it hurts and the more we grieve.
Please know you're amongst friends here who understand, so please stay in touch.
Hi Chloe. Thank you also for your kind words and support. Loving animals is very rewarding but very hard at the same time. We know that the chances of them outliving us is very slim but it doesn't make it any easier I don't think. These decisions are always the worst. I was hoping he would go in his sleep but it wasn't to be.
Lee, as an 86 year old human, I assure you I hope that if -- in the next six years I theoretically have left -- some of my more painful illnesses recur -- I hope someone will ensure there is an end to my suffering. Although my late husband drove a U.S. Army ambulance through France and Belgium in WW II, years later he appointed me the designated liaison with the vet whenever we reluctantly decided to have one of our cats euthanized. I accepted the guilt and grief that goes along with that decision. Know that you are normal and your grief will subside after a while.
Men are strange aren't they? My hub leaves all of these decisions up to me too. I'm not sure why..possibly so that they don't carry the weight of the decision on their conscience.
I'm sorry for you also having to make those calls.
Thank you for your support and kind words. This is such a lovely group. You are all wonderful. 💕
It is quite normal to have feelings like this when a long loved animal has to be put to sleep. 35 years is a great age for a horse and with a heart murmur and repeated Colic I am sure you did the right thing, in fact I think it would have been unkind to keep him alive whilst in such pain.
It can be tempting to keep a pet alive when it no longer has a good quality of life, just because we can't imagine life without them, but we need to put our own feelings aside and think of what is best for them.
It is normal to grieve for a long cherished companion animal just as you would for a member of the human family. You aren't going mad, just grieving for your lost companion.
Thank you for your reply. I just feel so lost and confused about everything. I keep thinking that I just didn't exhaust all avenues. S
I was laying awake early this morning and feeling so awful that there may have been something else I could have done, alternatively, I have a few tools that I just didn't use and I don't know why? I don't cope well in a crisis and I wish I did. Whenever there is a health event, animal or human, I forget everything I know and rely on others for the answers. I just can't work out why I do that and did it cost my horse's life for me to see it? My head is spinning with the realisation of a lost possibilit. Am I making any sense?
Trying to make sense of it when your mind and emotions are in turmoil is normal. Your horse is now in no pain and it is surely better for him to go now than in possible agony from a twisted bowel? Please stop blaming yourself, you have done your best for your old friend.
I have made an appointment with a counsellor to discuss the terrible guilt I feel. I decided not to try to work through it on my own. I need some help sorting out the mess in my head.
I am so sorry for your loss. To make that kind of decision takes guts and sometimes when we do it, we remain in shock for a while. Grief affects everyone differently.
Our animals big or small, become apart of us and our families. I know from experience how difficult it is. We had to make a similar decision two years ago for our little Westie
The tears will come when they are ready, but do what is right for you, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Take care and hope that you can heal by reflecting on the memories you have.
They get into our hearts don't they? The hardest thing is going to feed our little mare and not having to get 2 buckets if feed ready when that is what has been the normal thing for years. Bess (the mare) is just standing around the place where he died. She got really upset when he was buried and tried pawing at the mound of dirt. She was quite frantic. Also, the driveway runs past where they stand and eat and I used to always pull up and say bye on my way out. It's so hard not seeing him standing in his usual spot. I'm hating myself at the moment. I guess it will get better with time. :/
I'm sorry about your little dog. Is that him/her in your profile pic?
I lost my little Jack Russell news years day last year. That was the first time I had to make the decision to put a dog to sleep also. He was in so much agony, possible snake bite, and there was no chance of recovery. A terrible time as well but I felt that the vet and myself had tried everything. With my beautiful boy, I feel like I failed him. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow morning to discuss it all. Fingers crossed it will help me make sense of these emotions.
Yes my profile pic is our Angel. She was called Emily (not our choice, daughter's lol) but we called her Emmy or Pud, as she was quite chunky with all her fluff lol. Emmy was our first pup, we have another Westie too called Lottie. Emmy had cancer of the bladder and we think, the day she went to sleep, she had suffered a stroke too. She was put to sleep the day after her 14th birthday, it broke our hearts, never ever felt like that about a pet before. Our daughter was absolutely distraught.
When we lose a pet, no matter how long it was that they lived, they become so much part of your life. Yours was 35 years which is a lifetime in so many ways.
I am considering counselling too, as I am grieving for my younger sister at the moment, who I cared for. She passed away suddenly in May, three months today and I can't focus on anything without her. Grief is the worst feeling and the feeling of failure and despair in the world.
Take care and hope you get some help with the counselling.
That's so sad. What an awful thing for her to have.
We are the same. We love out animals like children. No matter the size.
I'm so sorry to hear about your sister also. That's just so, so terrible. My heart goes out to you. I hope she didn't suffer. It's the ones left behind that do all of that. I feel the same way.. Like a huge failure and the knowledge that there is no second chance.
I'm hoping for some clarity. I can't talk to family about how I feel. I'm scared they'll confirm that I failed too. :/
People keep telling me there was nothing I could do, but I feel I have let my parents down. Jen was an Adult children and she had a Catropshic seizure which resulted in brain injury. We had only lost our dad six weeks before and mum last year. We had so many plans and now nothing, just having to revamp everything.
Please Lee, never feel a failure, because you are not. To love a horse for 35 years says so much about you. Sometimes things happen that our out of our control, (Well that is what I am trying to convince myself)
I hope you get something out of the Counselling. The daft thing, a couple of weeks ago, we nearly lost Lottie our second Westie as she decided to jump in the Canal and chase the ducks! I think that would have been the end of me. Fortunately my husband was able to grab her before she sunk!
Oh that's awful. I'm sure your mum and dad knew you did everything that you could. You're/they're right. Sometimes things just are out of our hands. And nothing we could have done would have changed the outcome. Prolonged it briefly maybe, but for what purpose?
Your life sounds similar to mine. I lost an old dog, 15 years, 4 and a half years ago. I nursed her with stomach tube feeding for 3 months before she died in her sleep. Our daughter almost died from pre-eclampsia at 29 weeks gestation and had to have her baby delivered in an emergency surgery 9 months after that. Her kidneys failed, we didn't know if she was going to make it. 4 months later, we lost my mum. Then my oldest sister, 10 months later. My other old dog on New Year's Day last year. An uncle and an aunt earlier this year. A good friend about 2 months ago. Then about 8 weeks ago, my hub accidentally ran over our cat and she survived but with a crushed pelvis. She is still recovering and may end up losing one of her back legs as it was shattered and she can't bend it. Although she is 17 and they're reluctant to operate on her because of her age. Then my horse this week. Life seems so cruel doesn't it?
What a shock for you with the little dog falling in the canal. How frightening. I'm so glad your husband managed to get her in time. Hang in there Jayne. I'm sure things have to improve for both of us.
I'll let you know how I go with the counselling.
Thank you for being here.. I'm here for you also. 💕
Gosh you have been through it too. Why is life so cruel? I hope your little cat will be ok and that your husband is not beating himself up over the accident. We all seem to do it don't we, even when it was not our fault?
Take care and keep in touch, I would like to know how you get on with the Counselling.
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