My father died in May this year after over 2 years in nursing homes but he was also in and out of hospital and I was told he could die on a couple of occasions. It was all very stressful and exhausting, and I have my own health limitations. After having to move him to a nursing home closer to me four months before he died (where he wasn't as happy as he didn't know anyone and they didn't know him), he died in hospital where, despite having Anticipatory Medicines prescribed, they weren't used. Instead, the consultant was very unsympathetic in her dealings with me and never really made things clear. Dad was in over two Bank Holidays so few doctors around and I heard him shouting out over one weekend until I finally got a doctor to prescribe a pain patch on the Monday evening. He was put on end of life care, then he rallied and I was told he would be returning to the Home the following week, but then, on the Sunday, he was put on intravenous insulin (as a type 1 diabetic) and fluids, despite his body not coping with fluids the previous week. This resulted in his lungs, which had recovered from pneumonia a couple of days previously, filling up and dad having problems breathing; I was in bits as the only family member there but couldn't stay overnight with dad due to my own health problems. We were called in at around 8.30am a couple of days later when we did get to the hospital in time to be with him when he died (in spite it being half an hour away). However, since then the whole situation and what I witnessed continues to haunt me despite having counselling. I don't really know how to process it and come to terms with the whole thing. I did complain to the hospital and someone looked into dad's care for me; they say lessons have been learnt but I still have to come to terms with it somehow. Any advice would be most welcome.
Thank you.
Karen
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klr31
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hi really sorry to read of your dear dads passing thoughts are with you family and his friends.my dad passed last april and it was a very traumatic experience for us all just like yours.our dad took unwell and my sister took him to hospital and he sat for hours and hours overnight some of it on his own.our doctors had said it was lumbago another said it was arthritis but when my dad was seen at hospital they told him he had cancer and kidney failure and asked how he even made it to the hospital it was days before Christmas 2017.my dad wasn't taking the chemo well and other complications arose meaning he spent months in hospital.we kept getting false hope but things seemed to settle.then my dad fell in hospital and broke his leg and complications after his screws had been removed resulted in his death.me and my sister niece had been at his side with an aunt but it was only me and my aunt in his final moments as my sister an niece went for coffee and the toilet.it broke my sister as she visited every single day and I was up most days.im currently attending counselling but seeing my dad take his last breath is haunting but I try and quickly get it out my thoughts and try remember better happier days.try to share happy memories or hold them dear to you in days of struggle for me its the best way.if I keep the haunting moments in my head and his situation in general it would break me but that's not going to happen.my dad like yours would want us to remember them in better health so that's what I try and do.god bless you and take care.
I am so sorry you went through a trauma of losing your father like this.
I had two traumatic deaths and other less traumatic but still...
I needed to know as much details as possible as it helped me understand and make more peace with how things happened.
I not completely over those situations yet as it added to other traumatic events in my life so I needed specialized trauma therapy.
It's complicated and it's very hard to get through and each situation is different due to circumstances.
It's really not helpful that the person was not nice at all.
I can understand all kinds of emotions, from being angry at others to blaming myself for not doing something "if I only knew" or "I should have known".
I think therapy is a good way to process those things. Releasing emotions like crying, talking to someone might be helpful too.
Having support really made the difference but it still wasn't easy.
You mentioned your own health challenges and it is important. It's easy to forget about self care when going through something traumatic.
You were having a lot of responsibility while having your own health issues.
Talking to others in similar situations might help but be mindful of triggers.
I have triggers around those things and there are times I can't talk or think about those things, which shows I need more therapy.
I'm trying to process and grieve while looking into the future.
Thank you. What kind of therapy would you recommend? The counselling I am currently having doen't really seem to be addressing issues. I have trouble remembering good memories as there were a lot of hidden problems and secrets with my parents for so many years. I do have all the emotions you mentioned. I only have my husband and dad had no friends although they were fond of him in the Home he was in for 2 years before I was told I had to move him. It was and is such a mess. I know what I need to do in my head but it's doing it with my heart.
Firstly, the most limiting factor is what is accessible for you depending on your country.
If it's possible to try private therapy you have more of a choice.
The standard ones are trauma based CBT and EMDR.
I am following somatic experiencing because I have lots of physical symptoms in my body so it's helping me.
You don't need to remember in order to heal.
Grounding techniques before and at the end of each session are standard practice so you don't leave upset.
It is tough to go through but it means it's possible to get our lives back eventually.
Heart and head sometimes go in different directions. During processing it gets more aligned and you get more connected with your body and your inner self.
I am so sorry to hear that your dear father was treated so carelessly when in hospital. There are still so many things wrong with our healthcare systems despite some brave and valiant staff.
You have counselling, that is your best route to peace and it is so good that you are now thinking of yourself and your recovery. I find the best thing to do is to take time each day to think of my loved one, to bravely face those times when upsetting memories come back and deal with them (I'm sure your counsellor will always be able to help with that), be patient with yourself and all around you, seek out new friends and make the most of all the good help you can get.
Your experience with your father sounds like a variation of my own experience with my father’s death. I went to various grief groups available to me locally in order to cope.
In my father’s case he lived to be 91 & accumulated many diagnoses over the years. I think the healthcare systems the family dealt with towards his end were just not equipped to deal with the complexities of his health care. It was a fragmented mess to say the least.
I made a memorial album in memory of my father. This process I think helped me remember beyond his sad ending. My siblings had written a obituary & I used that as a starting point for the album. It is still a work in progress because I would like to duplicate the album but have not figured out how best to do this yet.
A brother’s wife who quilts made one for me using some of my father’s cotton shirts. Every room in my house now has something of his in it to remember him by. My favorite room is the garage, it is now my design studio, a work in progress too using some old stuff from his place.
I donated clothing, eye glasses, etc. left over after the family distribution to worthy causes. The executer of his estate said we could not keep his war “souvenirs” so I took them to a museum. All these little activities also seemed to help.
I trust you too will figure out ways best to carry on. God Bess.
Hi Krl1 I really understand how you feel as recently I had just lost my Mum and my dog straight after her funeral. Like you I believe she died in pain and I begged her to let go as i couldn't watch any longer and I went home just to get a call to come back as she took a turn for the worst and I was 5 mins too late. It was obviously meant to be. I had to deal with it all on my own with no support and no family. My Sister was on holiday knowing she was End of Life but didnt come home until I had arranged also all the funeral. We are not that close either. What I wanted to do for you is to send this article which I found very comforting but I dont quite know how to send it to you? I will try if I can as I think you will find it helpful. Take Care of yourself x
Thank you. I can't see anything but appreciate your thoughts. I'm sorry that you had such a terrible time with your mum and your dog dying so soon after.
Take care of yourself. I'm struggling as had a lot of problems with my dad so finding good memories is difficult at times. I hope you can remember the good times with your mum.
Hi Karen thanks for your reply I will email it to you sometime tomorrow as I've been trying for half an hour now. Luckily you have now given me your email address. As its three pages long and I cant get it too send on site. I really do hope it helps you. Tired now but will defo try tomorrow. xxx
I've just looked at your details and I think we have more in common than just bereavement. You have Fibromyalgia and thyroid problems; I have M.E and Hashimoto's. I hope, since you wrote your posts, you have found some answers.
I am disgusted with your sister going on holiday when her own mother is ill. Sorry about your dog also.It was the same with me but I'm glad my dog died before mum because unfortunately I went crazy and I now would never show any bizarre behaviour to an animal. This may sound strange that I am talking about our dog and not my mother but it was alcohol fuelled and I now haven't drank for 22years because I cannot drink. In 22years I have only had about 5 arguments.
But we both lost our mother's. I was talking to a guy who's mother died and it helped to know that we had such strange thoughts
I.e. our mum died to annoy us. When the hospital phoned and said about she died peacefully I just wanted to get off the phone.
How are you feeling now. You can send me a message via chat at the top of the page.
Hi really good to hear from you. Sorry for delay but I’ve only just seen this message as so many emails come through.
How are you? I’m ok thank you as far as life goes. Still struggling on and now down to two days a week in my job because of Fibro! I just have to keep pacing myself.
I don’t think I ever really grieved for Mum as I’ve lived on my own so no one to chat it over with! I can’t believe how well I’ve dealt with things and being strong! But did do everything possible for Mum before she went plus we had said our goodbyes. My Sister invited me the first Xmas to her Son’s family after Mum died. The following year I had Covid and was really ill. The third Xmas my sister said she was going to her Son’s in-laws. I was not invited and she knew I was on my own! I was disgusted with her as had it been the other way around it would never have happened as I couldn’t do that! But then she wasn’t for my Mum either so she certainly isn’t going to be there for me. Anyway, I don’t see her anymore I’ve cut all ties and it hasn’t bothered her! Just as I thought and yes I was right!
Funny the things we think but yes as you say I think it’s pretty normal! I kept saying to Mum when you go! I will always be on my own! She would say no you will meet somebody else one day! But after 2 failed relationships which were mentally abusive, I’ve never bothered since as I feel much more relaxed in my own company, but yes I obviously get lonely sometimes. I have plenty of friends but that’s not quite the same as having someone special.
Sorry to go on!! Anyway tell me about yourself and how are you coping?
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