Lost my brother suddenly.Such tragic circumstances.Lost my dad very suddenly 5 years ago and the trauma of that still haunts me.How to cope?

[Aisha12]

I have two brothers - or HAD two brothers. Gosh, having to correct myself when I talk about us is such a trigger now. We lost our dad very suddenly 5 years ago. We all suffered a lot, but my older brother moreso. He never recovered from it, and the day he passed away all he did was talk about my dad. Someone found him when it was too late. He had fluid around his heart that he never knew about. I honestly believe he died of heartbreak... He just started his new job and he was so excited. He was the best brother to me, helped me emotionally deal with my dad’s loss. He was an incredible uncle to my kids and my nephew who is old enough to understand, asks for him all the time. He was Such a caring and loving person. Such a huge loss. He was such a big part of our lives. I loved him ever so much. He was my best friend too.

I relived the same events when I found out about my dad’s passing the day my brother died a few months ago. I got a phone call like I did with my dad. The drive down was horrific. We had police officers tell us that he had passed and they gave no information as to where he was or what had happened. Trying to locate my brother was so traumatic, and we all had the hope they had it wrong. When I first saw him lying there, cold, my beloved brother - I cannot explain the shock and horror. The reality daubed on me, that I had to go through the exact same with my brother that I had with my dad. But this time, I didn’t have him to support me through it. My younger brother is more closed, I have a care giving relation to him. This was my older brother who had passed and he took care of us through our loss.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, but figured it can’t do any harm. An outlet. I posted here when my dad passed and the comments I found to be very comforting.

the intial stages of grief are awful, and that’s where I am at the moment. The human heart is an incredible thing. It seems so fragile, yet it can bare so much pain and still keep beating…

[Gambit62]

It is very difficult. One of the key steps in grieving is to get past that point where you are stuck in visualising the person who has died as dead to remembering as they were alive so don't feel you are failing by using the present tense.

I know it isn't the same thing but I'd just about got to the point where I was getting through my dad's anniversary and then COVID hit and we went into lockdown on the anniversary of his death - that hit me because he died during the last big foot and mouth outbreak which shut down access to the country - one of my big ways of coping. So now I'm hugely aware of the anniversary again. All I can do is let time heal things.

It might help if you posted more about what your brother was like when he was alive but the big thing is not to push yourself and be kind to yourself - post about things you remember doing together - if you can talk to your younger brother about what he remembers about your dad and brother that might help as well - or to other relatives and friends.

Thinking of you

[Aisha12 in reply to Gambit62]

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time too. No matter how much time passes, the pain and emptiness that our loved ones leave behind is everlasting. I hope that we are able to heal and move forward with life. I think the hardest things for me to deal with is how tragic my brother’s passing was. He was such a gentle, kind person who dealt with mental health issues since my dad’s passing. Regardless, he’d take it upon himself to look after everyone, to make sure everyone was okay.

I am getting treatment for ptsd, and I’m due to start therapy shortly. I hope that helps with how I’m feeling.

Thank you for your kind message

[BrahmNm]

I feel so sorry for situation you are going throughI understand pain you go, as I experience grief pain when my elder sister passed away unnatural death at age 43.its 15 years.I not came out of that grief. And last 2 year back my mother pass away.Its affect me much.I don't know but everybody say I tremendiously changed physicaly .I can't answer.but this incidence lowerd my activities speed which started my sister passed away. I not do anniversary of both and try not to remember even year of my mother pass away.so it's recently.

I understand I escaping memory. But don't know reason behind.But may be memory creat unbearable pain to me

My daughter 2 days back said papa where r you that was very smart,active and cute.I don't have answer.only tear in my mind instead of in eyes as it not possible to openly cry.

I think about how life is,what teaching us,what doing us, I feel tired of all thes question and on other side we have to face our daily life.

Love and big hug to you

[Aisha12 in reply to BrahmNm]

I am so sorry to read your struggles on losing your sister and mum. I think when someone passes away so suddenly, the grieving process can be delayed because it takes a long time for the shock to wear off. Once it wears off, and this can happen years later, the grieving process starts. This can be incredibly difficult to deal with. Have you thought about getting help? Since my brother’s passing, I am adamant on doing things to help me. To look for help wherever I can, because like you, I suppressed all the emotions and memories I had when my dad had passed. It was far too painful, and I think suppression can potentially take your back rather than going forward. This time, I’ve sought help in the form of counselling and therapy, from different sources. And I can only hope, that this journey is gentle.

I will be thinking of you, and I hope you reach out for help if you haven’t done so already, and that you are able to channel your grief in a way that’s healthy for you and your family

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Aisha12

I remember you {{{hugs}}}

Such a traumatic time once again for you.

The shock seems to bring all sorts of memories too, a phone call is a horrible way to learn of a close family members death.

it's such early days, you'll need time to think, grief is something that can't be hurried.

So please take you time, be kind to yourself and practise selfcare whenever you can.

If you haven't already thought about it, you may wish to make a memory box, they certainly help.

We're here for you

Chloe<3

[Aisha12 in reply to chloe40]

thank you for your kind reply.

I found a memory box helped with my dad. Even though I never dared to go into the box because it was far too painful, but just knowing that his things were in the box above my wardrobe was somewhat comforting. This time round is different. I don’t think I can bear to look at my brother’s things. It is far too painful. I just want to run away from it all. I hold him in my heart, and there I’ll forever carry him. So I feel like I don’t need his things right now to feel close to him or to remind myself of good memories. I do think I might feel differently later though. I think I might start journaling and start to jot down all the lovely memories I have, so somewhere down the line when I look back I’ll be reminded of memories that I might not have thought about for a while.

You’re right, it is a long process, I learnt that with my dad’s passing. I’m trying to be kind to myself - I wasn’t with my dad’s passing

[chloe40 Administrator]

HI Aisha12

I totally understand <3

Please take care and you know where to find us <3

[Hidden]

Awww I’m so very sorry for your loss. You’ll still be reeling from the shock of it as it’s not long ago. I can’t imagine losing either of my brothers. Holding you close in my heart and prayers for you to find some peace. Big hugs and love 🙏🏻🕊️💔😘xx