Its 4 years today that my hero passed away. My grandad.
He was by far the most magnificent loving selfless giving man I have ever known,
I could tell you so many Stories of how funny, & caring he was, & how talented he was with wood, an amazing carpenter with such a gifted hand.
He fell poorly in 2013, he was always almost healthy apart from his joints.
I had never seen him so lost, we had 5 weeks with him before he passed away, & I was with him till his last hours He passed away calling my name & I broke down to the point where I was nearly sick I just couldn't believe that he was gone.
I'm writing a book about him at the moment. Full of beautiful pictures & moments & memories. #steller.
I can't help but feel torn, it doesn't matter how many years go by it still only feels like yesterday.
The one moment that plays over and over is the day where he was transferred from hospital to a nursing/home. I couldn't wait to see him as I knew I could stay over night & it wasn't like a hospital where you had limited time together.
I walked into the room after not seeing him for a few days and I was in total shock. I was the last to go in & now I know why. My beautiful grandad who was full of life & glow was in a big comfy bed but he looked so small & thin. He couldn't talk much & had deteriorated rapidly.
I couldn't hold it in, I quietly walked out the room just to cry & my dad said to stop it & be strong and not cry in front of gramps.
How on earth could I not!! my heart was literally breaking inside of me, It was the worst pain I have ever felt..
My dad went back in & my gramp was calling for me.
As soon as I took a deep breath in I walked straight to his bed & i went round to the empty side of his bed & I put my head on his chest. He held me & I held him back. And I started humming Matt Monroe - softly as I leave you. It was one of his favourites.
My tears fell on his chest & where he couldn't talk & where he had literally no energy he suddenly sat up.. & said " I feel your sadness my LauraDora" I said " I'm sorry for crying dad told me not to but I just can't help it" my gramp put his hands on my face & said " Never apologise for crying, for all those tears are for me" I led next to him all that night till he fell asleep.
I sat outside on the hill, in complete darkness. I could see his room from where I was sat so I felt as though I was with him, I went back in during the early hours to check on him, he was still asleep,
I puffed up the cushions on the chair as I was beside myself.. I knew I didn't have long left with him. Something told me I would have to say goodbye soon ..
I turned to close the door a jar & saw that my gramp had woken up & was looking at a photo frame of my nan on his bedside table.
" who is that beautiful lady Laura"
"That's nana Lavinia " I said
" Oh she is stunning" he said
" she loved you gramps she loved you so much"
" She did didn't she, my wife my sweetheart"
" She's Been waiting for me" gramps eyes filled up & I nearly chocked on my tears..
Then he was trying his best to hum to portrait of my love, by Matt monroe.
He said " dance with me"
He held out his dainty thin hand put them in mine, & he sat up to dance, I held him & we hugged.. & swayed.
"I'll be seeing her soon, my eyes flowed With tears, it was my opportunity to say my goodbyes, I have no regrets I said everything my heart wanted to say. I left that room with a grateful heart, my grandad was my hero. I gave him a kiss on the forehead and he smiled & said I'll see you in the morning Laura Dora. Sleep tight, I left with my dad in the very early hours, my dad wanted me to get some rest as I hadn't slept in days but I didn't want to be apart from my gramps. My dad insisted I was due to go back up at 11am so those few hours away were my very last, I didn't sleep a wink I put my favourite butterfly pin on that my gramps adored, by 10am I felt sick, & I had a very heavy feeling, but 10.30 I was overwhelmed with deep emotion, my heart had literally broke in half.. I called my dad as he was late picking me up, I was eager to get to my gramps. He came at 10.50 I came out of my flat pale & tearful I sat in the car didn't say a word. Then my dad stopped the car & said I was with him for 30 seconds & then he was gone.. I think at the time I detached myself, I can't describe the feeling, it was immense sadness but it was so much more.. there are no words to describe that present moment.. " I said who's gone? What how & who are we talking about" he said gramps he's gone"!! Didn't mum tell you... he passed away at 10.30.!! I know this is gross but I was sick with the shock.. I step out of the car & slid to the floor. I was broken..
My dad picked me up & hugged me,my dad said he was calling your name over & over & when we passed he smiled for you" that made me cry & smile at the same time.
I feel like a part of me died that day. But He left a big part of himself with me.
My grandad died of cancer in 2013 age 84 years old. He was & always will be my universe. X