First time posting

Its 4 years today that my hero passed away. My grandad.

He was by far the most magnificent loving selfless giving man I have ever known,

I could tell you so many Stories of how funny, & caring he was, & how talented he was with wood, an amazing carpenter with such a gifted hand.

He fell poorly in 2013, he was always almost healthy apart from his joints.

I had never seen him so lost, we had 5 weeks with him before he passed away, & I was with him till his last hours He passed away calling my name & I broke down to the point where I was nearly sick I just couldn't believe that he was gone.

I'm writing a book about him at the moment. Full of beautiful pictures & moments & memories. #steller.

I can't help but feel torn, it doesn't matter how many years go by it still only feels like yesterday.

The one moment that plays over and over is the day where he was transferred from hospital to a nursing/home. I couldn't wait to see him as I knew I could stay over night & it wasn't like a hospital where you had limited time together.

I walked into the room after not seeing him for a few days and I was in total shock. I was the last to go in & now I know why. My beautiful grandad who was full of life & glow was in a big comfy bed but he looked so small & thin. He couldn't talk much & had deteriorated rapidly.

I couldn't hold it in, I quietly walked out the room just to cry & my dad said to stop it & be strong and not cry in front of gramps.

How on earth could I not!! my heart was literally breaking inside of me, It was the worst pain I have ever felt..

My dad went back in & my gramp was calling for me.

As soon as I took a deep breath in I walked straight to his bed & i went round to the empty side of his bed & I put my head on his chest. He held me & I held him back. And I started humming Matt Monroe - softly as I leave you. It was one of his favourites.

My tears fell on his chest & where he couldn't talk & where he had literally no energy he suddenly sat up.. & said " I feel your sadness my LauraDora" I said " I'm sorry for crying dad told me not to but I just can't help it" my gramp put his hands on my face & said " Never apologise for crying, for all those tears are for me" I led next to him all that night till he fell asleep.

I sat outside on the hill, in complete darkness. I could see his room from where I was sat so I felt as though I was with him, I went back in during the early hours to check on him, he was still asleep,

I puffed up the cushions on the chair as I was beside myself.. I knew I didn't have long left with him. Something told me I would have to say goodbye soon ..

I turned to close the door a jar & saw that my gramp had woken up & was looking at a photo frame of my nan on his bedside table.

" who is that beautiful lady Laura"

"That's nana Lavinia " I said

" Oh she is stunning" he said

" she loved you gramps she loved you so much"

" She did didn't she, my wife my sweetheart"

" She's Been waiting for me" gramps eyes filled up & I nearly chocked on my tears..

Then he was trying his best to hum to portrait of my love, by Matt monroe.

He said " dance with me"

He held out his dainty thin hand put them in mine, & he sat up to dance, I held him & we hugged.. & swayed.

"I'll be seeing her soon, my eyes flowed With tears, it was my opportunity to say my goodbyes, I have no regrets I said everything my heart wanted to say. I left that room with a grateful heart, my grandad was my hero. I gave him a kiss on the forehead and he smiled & said I'll see you in the morning Laura Dora. Sleep tight, I left with my dad in the very early hours, my dad wanted me to get some rest as I hadn't slept in days but I didn't want to be apart from my gramps. My dad insisted I was due to go back up at 11am so those few hours away were my very last, I didn't sleep a wink I put my favourite butterfly pin on that my gramps adored, by 10am I felt sick, & I had a very heavy feeling, but 10.30 I was overwhelmed with deep emotion, my heart had literally broke in half.. I called my dad as he was late picking me up, I was eager to get to my gramps. He came at 10.50 I came out of my flat pale & tearful I sat in the car didn't say a word. Then my dad stopped the car & said I was with him for 30 seconds & then he was gone.. I think at the time I detached myself, I can't describe the feeling, it was immense sadness but it was so much more.. there are no words to describe that present moment.. " I said who's gone? What how & who are we talking about" he said gramps he's gone"!! Didn't mum tell you... he passed away at 10.30.!! I know this is gross but I was sick with the shock.. I step out of the car & slid to the floor. I was broken..

My dad picked me up & hugged me,my dad said he was calling your name over & over & when we passed he smiled for you" that made me cry & smile at the same time.

(Crying now)

I feel like a part of me died that day. But He left a big part of himself with me.

My grandad died of cancer in 2013 age 84 years old. He was & always will be my universe. X

10 Replies

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  • Hello LauraMk30

    Thank you for sharing the wonderful and beautiful closeness you shared with your grandad. I am truly sorry for your loss. You describe the time you were with him so well and I am glad you are writing a book about him, whether for yourself or perhaps to help others.

    Your grandad sounds lovely, one of the best and you two sound like you shared a unique and special relationship. That can never be taken away from you. I am sure he is with you as you continue your journey.

    I know today must be particularly sad for you but I hope you can gain some comfort from the closeness you clearly shared. That is something to treasure for ever.

    Thank you for sharing.

  • Hey Lottie,

    Thank you ever so much for taking the time to write to me.

    It means so much,

    Thanks he was my saving grace.

    I think the book is to help me somehow move on from the page I'm stuck on. I've never spoken about my feelings & my loss. But I write all the time & my journal entries have turned into a story.

    I want nothing more than to share my story with others, as we all know the world does not stop for our grief, life keeps going & somehow we seem to relive the moments that have passed & become stuck there. But I want to stop.. & help those who are grieving. My book " all those tears are for me" is not just for my benefit it's for others too.

    My grandad creative streak lives through me, I found the love of writing at a very early age thanks to him, & now he's not here to read them I dedicate that book to him. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't know this part of me, he brought out the best of me. & he taught me how to express with soul. I'm eternally grateful for the gift he gave me..

    I'm hoping those who read it will fall into the book with me. As I think of others more than I think of myself..

    I will most definitely leave a link for you all, & I hope it brings you some comfort & holds you close when you need it the most.

    Yes We had a special bond, we wasn't always this close. My nana passed away suddenly in 2011 & we had a relationship, but we didn't bond, she was a very strict & somewhat sour lady. & at the time I was in a domestic violence relationship only just turning 17 & fell pregnant with my son who is now 13 in half years old, I was shy timid & quite & she did used to scare me a little. She wasn't too nice to me after that, & wouldn't speak she'd just tut & complain, She was the one who wore the trousers so to say & because she wasn't a loving lady & didn't express how she felt my grandad found it difficult to show any love either when she was around. When she wasn't watching , it was like the weight had lifted & we could just talk or sit & create.

    I always used to say that she loved to hate me, I wasn't to know any different as there was never a hug given or a kiss. There was never a how are you & you look beautiful today. It was just a grunt here & there. I hated to love her, as she wasn't nice to me, my brothers on the other hand she adored. The grandchildren in my family were all boys you see, & she was convinced when my mum fell pregnant that I was going to be a boy. To continue the tradition & carry on the family name. It was a huge surprise when I was born & my mum rang them to give them the good news, my nana said congratulations what are you going to call him... & my mum said Laura. My nana dropped the phone & fainted! Literally..

    My mum said I stayed on the line giggling to myself awaited for gramps to bring her round again & all I could hear was, no it can't be, it can't be, "throw that one back"

    My mum told me the story when I was much younger. And throughout my early childhood I would look at her and wonder why she said that. My mum does sugar coat it & say it was shock, but I've felt like I wasn't meant to be born, & if my never had me but a boy she would of loved me.

    So when I fell pregnant with my son who is now absolutely stunning tall & a gentleman she did say she hated me for it. But as many people say it was jealously on her part, no child deserves to grow up feeling like a mistake, & certainly feeling unloved. I'm still the only granddaughter of 8 grandsons. & a new addition is Betty who is the only great granddaughter. I'm so glad she was excepted by my nana & was loved, & cared for so much.

    I don't hold grudges, yes I was a little hurt but I will never know why she thought it was impossible to love me, but the moral of this little story is I loved her so much. Despite her cruelty towards me. I continued to love her, even though she didn't & couldn't love me back. The more she pushed me away the more I held on. She was my only nana as my mothers parents died before I was born. I wanted to show her how nice I was, & just because I am a girl didn't mean i should of been loved less or not at all, I was healthy baby & beautiful my mum said, she should of felt lucky to have a granddaughter, over the years I tried to please her, I became a little tom boy, I was bought up with a load of boys climbing trees & making mud pies. I loved my barbies & pollypocket too, I wanted the best of both worlds but no matter what I did she just wouldn't love me. Just because I wasn't what she wanted & I didn't fit in doesn't mean I deserved years of punishment for being myself, we never ask to be born so that was a heavy burden I carried till the day she died, I do wish she would of tried to get to know me before judging me from the moment I was born till the last moment I went to see her in the nursing home, she told me to get out & never to return to her bedside again, later that evening she died..

    Strange thing was, I went to bed that night feeling so alone. The day with her was unbearable. I just wanted to sit there & try & talk to her but she made it very difficult for me to even be in the same room. If you've ever felt like a spare part or a burden you'll know how I felt at the moment. I was feeling under the weather my best friend was in the front room. I dozed off & around 11pm I sat upright shouted took a deep breath in & a long breath out & smiled & waved went back to sleep. My friend recalled what I did & woke me at around 6am. She told me what had happened. I said " it was so strange jenny, my nana was sat right there where you are now . She was talking to me. Actually sitting there having a quite conversation with me, I've never had an experience like that ever. We said goodbye jenny I waved to her it was so real... jenny was in disbelief that I had remembered every detail as if I was awake..

    I knew then my nana had died, my dad called me around 5 minutes later to tell me the sad news. He said half 10 the wars nurse ran into my nanas room because she was shouting, she was confused & disorientated by 11pm she took her last breath.

    My nana had a heart attack & passed away. 11th march 2011 at 11pm

    So my grandad & I, stitched together an unbreakable bond, it made up for the years I spent invisible, but those 5 weeks I spent with him, I realised he loved me for the both of them, I helped spread my nanas ashes with my grandad & dad upon the same hill, I watched my gramps room from. & when my hero passed I took his ashes & spread them there too.

    I sometimes go up there to say hello but most of the time I just close my eyes touch my heart & he's there.

    X

  • Hello LauraMk30

    You express yourself so clearly and emotively and have the wonderful ability to enable the reader to paint a picture of what you have written. That is a special gift.

    I cannot imagine what you must have gone through when you were not accepted by your nana. However, you appear to be a very strong lady with good self-belief.

    Wishing you strength and creativity with your book

    Lottie x

  • What a fabulous man your grandfather sounds you talk about him with such love and admiration. Writing a book about his love and the way he was would be a fabulous book i for one would like to read it...so very sorry for your loss thinking of you

    Love Nat xxx

  • Thanks so much Nat,

    Aww that's lovely, I will post a link to my book called " all those tears are for me" as soon as it is complete.

    I hope it will bring you some comfort, & a few giggles.

    Thanks again it means so much xx

  • Laura -- What a beautiful account of your last visit to your grandad. I mean this not just as "Gee she writes well," but in addition, your story evoked in me an almost visceral connection to your experience. Your saying, "I went round to the empty side of his bed & I put my head on his chest," brought back my final visit with my husband, Robert, who died in a nursing home in 2014. After I kissed him on his cheek, he asked me to come around the bed so I could lower the side rail and give him ". . .a real kiss."

    I hope you will keep us updated on the progress of your book.

  • Hey jaykay,

    Aww thank you, I honestly didn't think I would get such a lovely response. All of these messages have gave me such comfort.

    It's amazing when you read something & it can pull you in, it can bring a memory to life again that has once passed, I'm glad you could re live through my words, aww that sounds like a wonderful cherish-able moment with your husband, I cried when I read that, it broke my heart I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.

    Oh yes of course, I will send you a link to my book & I hope you like it. X

  • Thank you, Laura.

  • Hello LauraMk30

    Welcome to our Community, we're very pleased you've found us.

    You post is heart wrenchingly beautiful and I hope it helped writing this. I love the fact that you are writing a book about you Gramps and I' m sure it will bring you much comfort now and in the future.

    You will always find support here Laura.

    Chloe

  • Grandad can be very special. Yours was. He loved you so much. He wanted you not to worry. He will now want you to live your life and be happy.

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