Delayed Bereavement/Questions

[EdanaBrietta]

I'm so happy to have found the forums on this site. They have helped immensely with my anxiety, depression, and bereavement. I have a couple questions I hope people can answer.

Here are my questions. My back story behind them is below if you would like to read it.

1) Has anyone here experienced delayed bereavement, and if so, how did you cope?

2) Has anyone here ever had experience with a hired senior advocate?

Firstly, I believe I may be experiencing a bit of delayed bereavement. I lost my grandfather last year (at age 87). He was like a second father figure to me and I sought advice and solace from him for the last few years (I lost my father when I was 17, 10 years ago now). Six weeks after my grandfather passed I put down my dog who I had had since I was 11 (he was 16 and ill). Soon after that I changed jobs and moved across country.

I feel that with the upheavals in my life last year, I didn't really get to properly mourn for him. It's almost like my mourning was put on hold and now it's manifesting itself. But it's also adding to my anxiety. A few weeks ago I experienced a trigger and have been struggling with my anxiety and depression for the last 4 weeks (I'm normally able to enjoy life with just 40mg Celexa which helps my depression). One of the things I'm worried about is from when I saw my grandfather at the end of his life. If he hadn't had my aunt and I to advocate for him, he would not have gotten the good treatment that he did (they did the best they could, but they were understaffed).

This has me anxious about when I am in a nursing home. I am currently single (27) and worried that if I don't find someone and have kids, I'll be alone when I'm in a nursing home and have no one to advocate for me or handle my finances when I am unable to do so. There are people here (I live in the USA) who I can hire to be my advocate, but I'm unsure about them as I don't know if they'll fight as hard as a friend or family member would.

[chloe40 Administrator]

A very warm welcome to our friendly Community EdanaBrietta

I'm very pleased you've found us and look forward to your contributions. One of our members are sure to have some answers for you along with support, something you will always find here.

Personally, I believe you are experiencing 'delayed bereavement' and this is not unusual. For many of us, it just doesn't sink in for sometime and with all the upheavals you've experienced, I'm not surprised this has happened. Now, something has triggered your emotions and this has disturbed you and it sounds as though you are fearful. I can understand that but you cannot let this 'take hold' and I would suggest you talk this through with a Bereavement Counsellor or therapist, so that you can discuss all your worries.

I'm afraid I don't have experience of your second question but I'm hoping someone else may help you.

Take care {{{Hugs}}}

Chloe

[jaykay777]

I haven't experienced delayed bereavement, possibly because I experienced anticipatory grief for at least a year before the deaths of my three husbands. When my first husband died I was just two years older than you are now. At that time, a doctor told me I couldn't be experiencing depression and anxiety simultaneously. I'm glad doctors now have a greater understanding. For me, having to put my cats down added to my sadness at their loss. I am 86 years old and don't expect any of my three adult children would advocate for me in a nursing home. I don't know if I will ever be in one. For the past year, I have lived in an independent living facility with no medical services. I found and selected it myself, and expect to select where and when I would make a change. Being married would not guarantee you would have someone to advocate for you. When I was a 79-year-old widow I married a healthy man six years my junior. After one year he fell ill and with the help of hospice, was his caregiver. Just prepare yourself financially for your future and gather all the information you may need.

[Hidden]

Hi I am sorry for your loss and it must have been hard on you. You are much too young to be thinking about when you are old and I am sure you have many healthy years ahead of you yet.

I am in my 60's with mild lung disease and depression and because I am on my own I am planning ahead to buy a retirement flat in a block in the future, as I have no one to look after me in case I ever need it.

Maybe you have the same thing where you are? It might be something to think about in another say 40 years or so but certainly not now! I have learnt that you can only rely on yourself in life whatever your circumstances. Live your life for now and let the future take care of itself.

[Anella]

I have two thoughts. I'm reminded of Jesus' words at Matthew 6:34 "So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties." Each day has enough of its own troubles." So it's true, at your age, you don't want to be overwhelmed or consumed with this concern. However, I'm also reminded of an old proverb that says, “Everyone shrewd will act with knowledge,” stated at Proverbs 13:16. A shrewd person is practical, sound in judgment, and prudent. These are desirable traits and what moves a person to prepare as best they can for the future. You prepare as best you can because no one knows what the future will bring. In a practical way, you may want to consider getting long term care insurance. I got this when I was about your age and it gives me relative peace of mind. It allows me to pick a better nursing home than if I only had health insurance and covers me being taken care of at home so I don't have to go to a nursing home at all which is my choice. I can even have a family member be paid to take care of me. Now that I am older, no longer working and dealing with chronic health problems, I am so glad that I got the long term care health insurance. I even got one for my Mom because I knew that I didn't want her in a nursing home but I knew I would not be able to physically care for her myself. This way, I can select who will care for her and she can stay in her home as well. Hope this helps.

[EdanaBrietta in reply to Anella]

Thank you for your response. I have been doing much better the past few weeks. I have looked into long term care insurance and will purchase a policy soon. I also calculated my income for when I am retired. I will have several sources of income (two different teacher retirement systems, social security if it is still paying out at that time, a Roth IRA, and my regular savings). I figure that with all my sources of income and my long term care insurance, I will have enough to cover a nice nursing home and if I am of sound mind, then I can advocate for myself as the state I live in has a long-term care ombudsman and the nursing homes are monitored by the department of health, so I can always contact those organizations if there is an issue. If I am not of sound mind, I can hire a senior health advocate to be my advocate.

Like you said, being prudent brings enormous peace of mind.

[Anella]

Great to hear!👍