Things people say after a bereavement.

Is it just me, but the phrase I hate most ( & people are still saying it to me seventeen months after Mike died & my sister in law is the worst offender ) " I can only imagine what you're going through." I have to say to them, actually you can't. You have absolutely no idea what I'm going through & you won't until, sadly, it happens to you.

[spykey]

Hi Helen08

No one will ever in my opinion, know, feel or understand what you or I feel after going through after our Bereavement experience! Due to our loss, our experiences are unique to each one of us & no one even another member of your family can completely know what's going on inside of you!

Some people just don't know what to say & say the first thing that comes to their mind including the 'I can't begin to understand what you're going through' and 'I can only imagine what you're going through!'

It is irritating but like you said if they have not been or gone through a bereavement experience they don't have the knowledge or experience to draw from!

I know it hurts you when they say the wrong think, but only someone who has had these experiences can explain how it feels to them!!

Warm Wishes. Spykey 🤗

[abirke in reply to spykey]

I have been getting words that need no other words; "I am sorry for your loss" these are from people I have to do business with, not family or friends.....Those folks continue the thought with how well I took care of him and how horrible PSP and "How are You Doing" All words that seem to help me if I'd let it....My daughter is wanting more but her friends are young and really don'g know what to say about death....She is also suffering with guilt from not being there enough for her dad. She makes all thse excuses that are so not needed. Just like her friends , she too is young (22-26) when this all started. I try to help her know that dad loved her and the times he saw her were all good and no more times would have made those times any better...."Heck honey I was with him 24 /7 and got a paragraph a week the last year of his illness." You did ok my daughter.....You loved your daddy and he loved you, what more could you ask for....

[Nathalie99 in reply to abirke]

I agree that young people, especially children, can say wrong words.

I was 9 when I lost my mother and moved into a new area with a new school. Some children were asking me "how does it feel like not to have a mother?" (because they didn't know and were curious).

One of my new classmates said it was "funny" that I didn't have a mother. It hurt but instead of being angry at him for saying something stupid like that, on the way back home, I took the time to explain to him how it really felt. And then he started crying and said he was sorry about being so insensitive.

Later his father died under horrible circumstances so he experienced horrible loss too, unfortunately.

He grew up to be very compassionate as we keep in touch occasionally.

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

I agree Nathalie - it can be hard for children to understand. It's the adults that upset me & again I understand that sometimes they don't know what to say, but my sister in law still says this"I can only imagine what you're going through " time & time again even though I've said to her, actually you can't. She then proceeds to moan about her husband ( my husband's brother ) if he's done something to annoy her & I just think - Ann, if you only realised how lucky you are to have him there annoying you. There we are - rant over - sorry !!! 😏

[Nathalie99 in reply to Hidden]

It is true that people who went through loss, appreciate things much more and see life differently.

It is just so. Some people will not be able to understand. But I admire your courage in speaking to her about it.

Maybe it is her fear, I don't know. It can be really painful when we want someone to be there for us, hear us out and they change the subject...

It is needed to talk about feelings and emotions, that's healthy.

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

I think you're absolutely right Nathalie. My brother in law is now 74 & Ann will be 70 in September. Mike died just before his 74th Birthday so I think we all reflect on how much time we have left.

[Auddonz in reply to spykey]

You are so right Spykey. I am hurting so badly but no one knows what you are feeling. Only me He passed January 21 and I still can't get my head around it.

Auddonz (aka Audrey)

[chloe40 Administrator]

You're so right Hidden

I think people are well meaning but the problem is they sometimes don't think about what their saying. I confess I have said something to someone once which made me 'cringe' when I realised my stupid mistake, so we're all human, I think.

Chloe

[abirke in reply to chloe40]

Stupid mistakes are to help us become better people.....If we weren't stupid, would we ever have need to grow?

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to abirke]

Very true abirke

Chloe

[abirke in reply to chloe40]

[abirke]

My daughter is having a problem with that herself....Infact she says this is waht people are saying to me mom, "I can't imagine my daddy dying, I just couldn't handle it ...." and then they go into some problem of their own that my daughter then has to empathize with or even console......Her dad died less than a month ago......

So with that, let me say to you, I am sorry for your loss....1 month 17 months the pain is still there......

I do hope that even with your loss you are finding new ways to fill your life......I want to get up and move on , but right now loneliness fills my life.

AVB

[Auddonz in reply to abirke]

Me2 abirke

Audrey

[jaykay777]

And even if the other person loses a loved one, they still won't know what you are going through.

[2stroke]

This applies to everything, after any life changing event.

[Natsteveo]

Everyone on here are so right and I'm so very sorry for your loss Hidden I had a big disagreement with someone who saw me often speak about how much I miss my mum and they rudely said to me' isn't it about time you got over that?" How I didn't clobber him right there and then I will never know but I looked him in the eyes and I sternly said ' says you who still goes to his mum's everyday for his dinner and when he wants money says him who takes advantage of what a lovely mum he has says him who doesn't realize that in the blink of an eye he could sadly lose her un announced and then his whole world would fall apart then and only then could he comment because if he had lost her those awful words would never of come out of his mouth... I.haven't spoken to him since not because of this but because I don't think he can face me ..some people understand and feel your pain because they have lost someone very close every loss is absolutely heartbreaking everyone grieves differently but feels the same pain we do

Love Nat xxx

[Hidden]

Thank you Nat, my belief is that if you have truly loved someone as you obviously loved your Mum & I did Mike you will never get over losing them & whatever people might think, it’s not a sign of weakness. Yes, I know life goes on, & things are a little better than when he first died but there’s a hole in my life that my wonderful children & Grandsons will never be able to fill. Mike died two days after our Golden Wedding & it was such a shock. He had been diagnosed four years previously with a very rare lung condition, apparently the only person in Wales with it - diagnosis was via a biopsy which went horribly wrong & he spent five weeks in ICU, part of the time on a ventilator & I was told then that it was highly unlikely he would live but he pulled through. It was an extremely difficult time because so little was known about the condition - there was no prognosis or medication that would help. You sort of live from day to day, then week to week & eventually carry on as best you can & we didn’t let it stop us doing things. Then the bolt out of the blue - two days after we had spent a lovely week in Cornwall with the family with no hint of what was to come, about 1am on the Sunday morning he had a Cardiac Arrest - the Paramedics were amazing & managed to get him to Hospital sixty miles away where there was a Cardiac Centre of Excllence. They fitted stents & we really thought he was going to make it but then they had to rush him back into the Cath Lab & fitted a balloon pump which they actually got working but then he had another Cardiac Arrest & died . Apparently the lung condition had weakened the right hand side of his heart. I won’t bore you all with the trite things people said afterward, I suspect most of you have already heard them.

Anyway, enough from me, love to you all who like me need someone to talk to & who understand what we feel, because as sure as hell some people have no idea. They think they do but until it happens to them they really don’t.

Thanks for listening/reading my rant !!! Love to you all, Helen. xx💔 🌹

[2stroke]

Helen08.

TOO RIGHT,IN MANY CASES!!. Its a hard very personal thing to go through ,as many of us know to our dismay.

Good Luck for your future.

[2stroke]

Best words should be"I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, I HOPE THE PAIN YOU FEEL WILL EASE." .

[Josephine13halffull]

That is it, she and other people can only imagine unless it has happened to them. Its a natural thing to say, I have said it myself.