Isolation has activated bereavement

[Amakura]

Hi there

Not sure if anyone else has experienced this but a relative of mine sadly passed away four years ago but due to various unusual circumstances and the myriad of administration procedures, logistics that come with a death of a loved one, I went out of my way to distract myself as much as possible in order to resolve everything. The person's death was traumatic and sudden. Now the pandemic has brought everything, and I mean absolutely everything to the surface.

Flashbacks, anger, tears everything has visited me. It's as though, I'm reliving what took place leading up to her final moments. Quite similar to the ghosts that appear in Charles Dickens' Scrooge. Even more so is that my loved one passed away with severe breathing difficulties and I witnessed the ENTIRE process. It's definitely not how they depict it in those Hollywood movies. So hearing and watching people discuss their symptoms and the tragic loss of their loved ones on the news, has triggered an enormous amount of empathy but its as though, I'm reliving the entire chapter. The bereavement process has started.

I've always said that if there was a tablet I could take for about a month that would allow you to by-pass the grieving process, I would be the first in the queue. It's uncomfortable. The emotional pain that you feel is unbearable. You also feel like you're a walking zombie. You can't sleep. You lose weight. You are stuck in time, almost.

I'm going to stick with it, as coronavirus has given me no choice but to. Possibly, this has happened for a reason as maybe, I'm strong enough to face it but I'm just not sure as I'm approaching the most difficult and most harrowing part of the flashbacks.

Has anyone found that the lockdown has brought up a lot for them (bereavement wise)? If so, how are you coping?

[kenster1 Volunteer]

hi i have had my sons anniversary my dads birthday and anniversary since the lockdown to be honest I have thought about it a little more but its not making me have feelings like you.did you have support after your loss just wondering.after a loss we are expected to go back to work or carry on as normal after a few weeks and its like we didn't have time to grieve properly.maybe now with all this time on our hands it could be that your now only starting to grieve.would you consider counselling now because it can still help.

[Amakura in reply to kenster1]

Thank you for replying.

Well spotted! I had zero support excluding my GP surgery. It was like a whirlwind. Just had to role up my sleeves and get on with it. Eventually, my body temporarily gave up but I just kept on going, like some bionic woman. Yes, I feel that my bereavement process has started after 4 whole years!!

I was going to start bereavement counselling but the pandemic has put that on hold, for now.

I'm glad to read that your thought processes / feelings are not so intense as mine.

Gosh, I am mess but not for long, hopefully

[kenster1 Volunteer in reply to Amakura]

I was told that cruise bereavement done online counselling in certain circumstances maybe even more so with the current situation but any form of counselling even on a phone is better than none it may be worth checking out.

[Amakura in reply to kenster1]

Thank you so much, and I will look into this. Thanking you, again x

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Amakura,

I absolutely agree with you that the present pandemic has brought our emotions to the surface.

The connection for you is sadly all too real and I feel for you I really do.

I think all those who are grieving will have had some recurrence of the awful pain associated with the immediate loss of a love one.

All I can say is, I am trying to process this day to day until we get through this and hope that our grief will subside along with it.

Take good care of yourself <3

Chloe

[Amakura in reply to chloe40]

Thank you for your message. Its reassuring to know, to a certain degree, that my reaction is somewhat reasonable.

Hope you are being kind to yourself.

X

[klr31]

I can empathise as the news of deaths with Covid19 is bringing up a lot of memories with regard to my dad's death, especially as it is approaching the first year anniversary on 8th May. He died an awful death which could have been avoided and, for that reason, I began Skype counselling a few weeks ago which unstuck me and enabled me to put in a complaint to the hospital where he died. I have continued with the counselling but also had some different counselling last year to try to work through my grief and the horror of what I saw. It does help and I shall continue until after the anniversary has passed. It is difficult for triggers not to upset traumatic memories and I would suggest you look into counselling if you can, perhaps by Skype or on the phone.

I kept busy for ages before pursuing it trying to push it all away and not think about it. Think this is pretty normal but it has to be dealt with eventually. Good luck.

Karen

[Amakura in reply to klr31]

Thank you so much, Karen.

I also tried to lodge a complaint but the time had lapsed and so, I buried my head further.

You are so courageous! I take my hat off to you. I will take action to seek help and face those flash backs, emotions, sleepiness nights etc. Its time to be brave.

Hope you are also continuing to be kind to yourself.

Thank you again and you've given me food for thought.

X

[klr31 in reply to Amakura]

Maybe start by trying to write down your memories as it may help to get it down on paper.

Yes, we all need to remember to be kind to ourselves and remember we did the best we could.

I hope you can move forward and release. One thing to remind yourself is that your loved one is no longer suffering but you are through becoming 'stuck'.

Best wishes,

Karen x

[Amakura in reply to klr31]

Hmm I've never looked at it in that way before (being stuck). Yeah, it's like a scratched record, so to speak.

By the way, I tried writing but I would go off in a tangent about something meaningless. My avoidance is strong. Most probably due to the time its taken me to 'sit with it'. Although, most probably when I start talking about it in detail, I will be able to write about other aspects of it. If that makes sense.

Once again, thank you for helping me to feel reasonable (apparently, that's a more suited word to use than 'normal' and I actually prefer it, funny enough).

Good luck on your healing journey and continue being courageous. Thank you for your inspiring words.

X

[klr31 in reply to Amakura]

Believe me, I don't feel courageous but thank you.

Karen

[chelseak_]

Yesss !!! I can definitely relate .This isn’t really a good coping method but I’ve found myself sleeping loads so I don’t have time to think x

[Amakura in reply to chelseak_]

Oh bless you, I've got the complete opposite - I can't sleep. Instead, I often sit in a daze but after posting above and reading the replies, I'm trying meditation and yoga. Go off in a daze plus stretch or just sit there with someone saying a few words with some nice music in the background with my eyes closed lol. It seems to be okay, for now.

If sleeping is helping you, perfect but be gentle with yourself at the same time. Its tough already. Sending you massive hugs and healing dreams.

x