that feeling of having absolutely no control

for over a decade now I have lived with depression. I use the term lived with as I don't think there is a cure for it. you develop coping mechanisms and you learn to either accept your surroundings or change them for the better. I've built up my strength so many times, I could at one point walk down the street with my head held high a smile on my face and believe yeah life is pretty good. But as always my little gremlins raise their little heads and I'm right back where I started. two years ago though I discovered some very painful truths about my surroundings and exactly why I am the way I am. I have been married for over twelve years and I have three amazing children who I adore with all my heart. But I realised that I for most part of my marriage and relationship have been abused, not physically but psychologically. after the first year of my marriage my husband had stopped telling me he loved me then after a while actually refused to tell me he loved me. Every time I told him I loved him he would say who are you trying to convince? I began to think that maybe he didn't love me and that it was my fault he didn't love me. I became more and more desperate to please him and did everything in my power to keep him and he weather he realised it or not took advantage of the fact. He had so much control over me I detached myself from all of my male friends, I didn't go anywhere or do anything either without him or without him knowing exactly where I was, who I was with, the conversations I had had with said company. he probed for information all of the time. He controlled the finances even though I work any money I had he made sure was spent and he made out to everyone that I was the one that was bad with money. If he wanted a new car or bike or whatever he made sure he got it, regardless of how I felt on the subject my feelings were never as important as his own. even decisions that I wanted to make about our children were always taken away from me and I always felt like I was not as important as he was. He had an affair at one point to this day he still denies even though the evidence was there and the other woman confessed I was the crazy one for even thinking it. how could I accuse him when he was so loyal? of course it was all in my head and he had me convinced of that! He slagged everyone off, his friends, my friends, his own family as well as my own family. no one was ever good enough for him. He didn't even notice when I had a bad day. those days where you pack the kids off to school go home lock the door and hide away from the world because you can barely stand the thought of seeing anyone and crying into your pillow seems like a much better option. The days when you look in the mirror and you despise what you see. you look at your house but you cant even begin to drag yourself off the sofa to do any of the housework besides you really should think about eating something since its 2.30 in the afternoon and you haven't even had breakfast but you just don't have any appetite. These days occurred at least twice a week sometimes they stayed longer than a day or two, but as long as he came home and his tea was cooked and he could lie on the couch ignoring our children why should he even care. Well in February this year I told him I was leaving him and I did I took my three children and walked. never been Happier. But unfortunately my story doesn't end there. This is where I am asking for help. He wont leave me alone, he is suffocating me constant texts and phone calls constantly keeping tabs on me, still now wanting to know where I am, what I'm doing who I'm with. I'm trying to stay civil for the sake of my children but its getting harder and harder. he wants me back says he loves me all the time now and he wont accept that we are over. I had to stop him from killing himself and he still threatens to kill himself if I wont give him another chance. he wants me to spend all my free time with him and every thing I say or do leads to another argument. But its like jekyl and hyde i mean today we had words again and he got angry but I wont rise to his demands anymore, so he apologises and everything is fine again (or so HE thinks) he thinks we are fine no matter what I say or do. he is determined we are getting back together. my stress levels and anxiety levels are so high I really cant cope and don't know what to do anymore. my twelve year old daughter sat and cuddled me today as I cried my eyes out and she shouldn't have to deal with that! I feel like even now I have absolutely no control in my life. I am seriously considering packing me and my kids stuff up and running away. CAN ANYONE HELP!!??

11 Replies

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  • O what a time you have been having , this is a control freak you have & no wonder your anxiety is sky high !!

    Well done for coping this long , you need a medal

    also good for you leaving

    I have heard stories like this before & this is just my view but men like this who treat women this way love the control , when they loose it , they are furious & they will fight & say the right things , till they get you back & then they start again (have a sister with a very similar situation )

    It is emotional black mail he is doing with the killing himself threat , & he sounds like he needs help

    You cant go back to someone that abuses you because they threaten you with this , he is responsible for his own actions not you

    You & your kids & you sound a wonderful mum have to come first

    Have you got family that support you

    It maybe worth talking to the police this is harassment & they could warn him he has to stop contact

    Have you phoned Samaritans they may be able to give you advice on what you can do , as there will be something , out there to protect you & your kids from this

    Hope someone see's this that knows more than me that can maybe give you even better suggestions

    Mean while no you are not alone , this can get sorted & will

    Have you been to your GP , they would be able to help with your anxiety & also might be able to get some support for you

    Please keep blogging & stay strong for your lovely children

    love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • It sounds like you haven't left him properly yet, if you want him gone, phone the police, change phone numbers or block his.

    Untill you let go of him, it wont be over, dont play the game, to gain control, by being subserviant its a type of control too.

    If he threatens to commit suicide, that is his choice and has nothing to do with you, so dont even start to get involved in it.

    If the only way he could see the children was via a contact centre, you wouldn't have to talk see or be near him then.

    Its difficult relationships, but if he had control of the money, you allowed him to do that,

    so your both in it together,

    no blame, no sides, just do you live together or is it really dead.

    I wish you well,

    Recently I had to leave my wife, as I couldn't put up with the abuse anymore (verbal) I left, and she went to pieces.

    It was me with all the mental health issues :-) but I think I was able to let go of the attachment and see it for what it was.

    Eventually we started dating again, as I had always loved her, and we are back again together. Nothings perfect, but its good.

    Sometimes our eyes meet, we look and smile, its good enough :-)

    With depression, our minds tend to like living in the past

    with anxiety, they live in the future

    if we llive in the present, and appreciate life, things dont seem to get complicated

  • My life was never as bad as that but I strongly know we're you are coming from,it takes a very strong person to walk away ,more so with young children,good for you and you have my highest respects for having the strength ,I don't think you should try going back,he won't change,is he still not trying to control yet?If you and your family are happier why go back to your old life.I had been married for 39 years and would have walked away if I had the strength ,my two daughters say their Dad wasted their childhood.Dont run away but stand firm.Life will get better for you,you are young

  • Oh god no i dont blame him entirely i blame myself for allowing the relationship to continue on the way it did and not having the strength to say something. I always felt like i wasnt heard so really didnt see the point of saying anything, but now i do have a voice infact i have discovered its quite loud but still im not getting heard and thats where my problem lies. There is no going back i have repeatedly told him this but he feels he deserves a second chance because "he has done nothing wrong!" as far as he is concerned its all in my head. He just cant see just how poisonous the relationship was and continually acts like we havent broken up and nothing i say or do is making him see that we are NOT getting back together. He has a new girlfriend too and when i say new i mean its the same woman who he was most definately not having an affair with and she is crazy about him but he continues to hound me. He text me this morning i didnt text back so he text again to ask if im awake he got no reply to that either so guess what he phoned me and this is what its like all the time!!! Tomorrow my phone is getting turned off and im dissapearing :-)

  • I was in a similar situation with mental abuse from my ex husband, having affairs, everything always my fault.... they never ever change........

    He is the one with the problems.

    Remember this.......If someone treats you like crap, there is something wrong with them , not you, normal people dont go around destroying other human beings...

    I saw that one time and kept it in my head to remind me when I was feeling weak.

    You have totally done the right thing.... be strong and dont give in.... you will be happy again..

    Lots of love Ker x

  • Hi there,

    I was in a relationship with a man for 21 yrs, he cheated on me numerous times. I stayed with him for so long because I didn't want to be a single parent. More fool me.

    When I left him, that's when the stalking started, constant texts, it was all my fault, waiting for me as I left the house, shop, pub, anywhere I went. Following me to friends houses. Saying he would kill himself blah blah blah. This went on for months.

    I treated him the way I did a child having a tantrum. I ignored it. It was very hard and stressful but I knew the minute I pandered to it, the longer it would last. He got board in the end and stopped.

    I never forgave him. Couldn't, he died three weeks ago. He was 52 Karma?

    I never went down the police route as I didn't want to upset my daughter and was also scared of his reaction. I know it's so hard to know what the best thing to do is. You still feel trapped even though you have left him.

    Please stay strong and do not go back for an easy life. It won't be. It will be harder. I wish you all the best.

    I've been in a relationship with a woman now for ten yrs and have never been happier. It's an option lol xxxxxxxx:-)

  • Oh god that made me giggle. Im at the stage now where i dont rise to it anymore. Told him straight if he cared at all about the kids he wldnt even consider it (where as before i would plead with him not to do it) he stopped threatening that now :-)

    He still thinks he has the right to control me tho im in a constant battle for space and everytime i tell him to back off he throw a wobbler but it never lasts long :-\

    I have found someone who cares that much about me i had an anxiety attack so bad i couldnt explain why he sat and listened to me rattle on for hours about rubbish. He held my hands when i couldnt sit still, he was completely taken aback when i asked him for a fight but he understood that i just couldnt get a handle on my emotions. I cried so much he just sat with me til i fell asleep just to make sure i was ok. He is an absolute diamond and i dont know how i wld have coped that night without him. But having him in my life is impossible at the moment im not allowed to move on with my life because i cant escape the clutches of my husband :-(

  • You can escape and you will, be patient. This happened to me 11 yrs ago and I still remember how I felt trapped, alone, it would never stop. I never trusted him after the torment he put me through. At his funeral I had a couple of his mates try and start. I reminded them that they had one side of the story and suggested untill they heard my side they should fuck right off. They never got my side as its none of their business.

    Take heart, it will get easier, he will get fed up but don't put your life on hold otherwise he is still in control. Fucking men lol ha ha ha xxxxx

  • What an incredible woman you are. Him begging for you back and behaving the way he is now is all part of his sick control. It's his way of saying woah hang on a minute you don't get to walk away from me. You have been so so strong getting out of this situation the way you have. If his behaviour is making you ill and it sounds like it is and if its affecting your childrens lives which it also sounds like it is then I am positive you can get other professionals involved to protect you and your family. I know you're trying to stay civil but I don't think he's capable of being a good person in the same way you clearly are. I think it's worth thinking about. Take care and stay strong xxxxx

  • Wish i could share your views. Been at work tonight, been really busy loved it. Having good chat with collegue but then out of no where bam i feel crap. God know what my bosses think of me now i was soo close to crying :-( and today was going to be a good day xx

  • Hi Want,

    So many strong, beautiful women wake up one morning to find the man they thought they'd love forever has turned into a controlling monster. It doesn't happen overnight. If it did you'd see it coming. It happens slowly, in so many subtle ways that eat away at your self esteem without you noticing. Until one day you realise you are so far down a road you never thought you'd be walking.

    The way there was hard and so is the road back but you have done so well. The hardest part is freeing youself from his clutches. You've done that.

    Do not hestitate to get the police involved if his stalking continues or if you become frightened. They don't always jump in the way you would like but it is good to have record of what has been happening. Also if finances permit get a good solicitor and try to restrict his contact with you to letters through them. It is expensive but worth it as you will feel so much better if you're not constantly being bombarded by his texts and phone calls.

    I'm sorry you feel low tonight. Please be kind to yourself. Your mood will fluctuate. You've been through so much and some of it is ongoing.

    Be strong.

    You will get through this.

    Love,

    Lizard.xxx

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