for over a decade now I have lived with depression. I use the term lived with as I don't think there is a cure for it. you develop coping mechanisms and you learn to either accept your surroundings or change them for the better. I've built up my strength so many times, I could at one point walk down the street with my head held high a smile on my face and believe yeah life is pretty good. But as always my little gremlins raise their little heads and I'm right back where I started. two years ago though I discovered some very painful truths about my surroundings and exactly why I am the way I am. I have been married for over twelve years and I have three amazing children who I adore with all my heart. But I realised that I for most part of my marriage and relationship have been abused, not physically but psychologically. after the first year of my marriage my husband had stopped telling me he loved me then after a while actually refused to tell me he loved me. Every time I told him I loved him he would say who are you trying to convince? I began to think that maybe he didn't love me and that it was my fault he didn't love me. I became more and more desperate to please him and did everything in my power to keep him and he weather he realised it or not took advantage of the fact. He had so much control over me I detached myself from all of my male friends, I didn't go anywhere or do anything either without him or without him knowing exactly where I was, who I was with, the conversations I had had with said company. he probed for information all of the time. He controlled the finances even though I work any money I had he made sure was spent and he made out to everyone that I was the one that was bad with money. If he wanted a new car or bike or whatever he made sure he got it, regardless of how I felt on the subject my feelings were never as important as his own. even decisions that I wanted to make about our children were always taken away from me and I always felt like I was not as important as he was. He had an affair at one point to this day he still denies even though the evidence was there and the other woman confessed I was the crazy one for even thinking it. how could I accuse him when he was so loyal? of course it was all in my head and he had me convinced of that! He slagged everyone off, his friends, my friends, his own family as well as my own family. no one was ever good enough for him. He didn't even notice when I had a bad day. those days where you pack the kids off to school go home lock the door and hide away from the world because you can barely stand the thought of seeing anyone and crying into your pillow seems like a much better option. The days when you look in the mirror and you despise what you see. you look at your house but you cant even begin to drag yourself off the sofa to do any of the housework besides you really should think about eating something since its 2.30 in the afternoon and you haven't even had breakfast but you just don't have any appetite. These days occurred at least twice a week sometimes they stayed longer than a day or two, but as long as he came home and his tea was cooked and he could lie on the couch ignoring our children why should he even care. Well in February this year I told him I was leaving him and I did I took my three children and walked. never been Happier. But unfortunately my story doesn't end there. This is where I am asking for help. He wont leave me alone, he is suffocating me constant texts and phone calls constantly keeping tabs on me, still now wanting to know where I am, what I'm doing who I'm with. I'm trying to stay civil for the sake of my children but its getting harder and harder. he wants me back says he loves me all the time now and he wont accept that we are over. I had to stop him from killing himself and he still threatens to kill himself if I wont give him another chance. he wants me to spend all my free time with him and every thing I say or do leads to another argument. But its like jekyl and hyde i mean today we had words again and he got angry but I wont rise to his demands anymore, so he apologises and everything is fine again (or so HE thinks) he thinks we are fine no matter what I say or do. he is determined we are getting back together. my stress levels and anxiety levels are so high I really cant cope and don't know what to do anymore. my twelve year old daughter sat and cuddled me today as I cried my eyes out and she shouldn't have to deal with that! I feel like even now I have absolutely no control in my life. I am seriously considering packing me and my kids stuff up and running away. CAN ANYONE HELP!!??
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