I'm so tired of being tired of this cycle of panic attacks and tiredness. Does it ever end?

I've never posted before so am nervous about the feedback. I'm 43, divorced mum of 5 wonderful kids aged 21,19,17,14,12 and a 3rd year at university. I've had depression on and off for about 18 years but never had panic attacks or anxiety this bad. My mum died of lung cancer in mid 2011 and it was from then that I spiralled down into depression and then panic attacks.My ex was abusive and still is mentally abusive to me and the law can't do anything about it.Financially my family and I struggle (the older ones are students too) which wasn't helped by my ex leaving about £13000 of debts which resulted in my being declared bankrupt in Feb 2011.

So financially I'm having problems which causes stress, being a mum causes stress but not too bad, being at uni in honours year causes stress and there are other more personal probs which are too long to go into. I'm not on meds as GP won't prescribe because I react badly- couldn't even take the pill but I am on a variety of alternative things which help a fair bit. Outside my kids, I have a wonderful therapist who I've seen for over 5 years (to do with my abusive marriage and the other personal probs) but that is once a week only.

Today I was in the super market with my middle daughter buying dinner . I started to feel really hot, really flushed and everything started to sway. Panic kicked in and I had to leave her. So there I am outside in the cold, shaking,sweating, feeling tired and in floods of tears. This isn't the first time its happened. Am just so sick of it -I wasn't like this 2 years ago. I struggle to function , to feel normal. I cry at the slightest thing and feel so bad for all my kids having to put up with this. All I want is to feel like me again, to get my life back so I can be their mum, be me, be the friend to my best friend who I nearly lost because I withdrew from her rather than tell her what was going on (She knows now). I've been checked out and everything is ok. I just can't stop crying over the slightest thing and my hormones are not helping-PMT is worse than ever. Sorry for going on but I'm even crying writing this as I feel so crap and scared.

[Hidden]

HI Jcm.

Welcome to this site. Its a brill site to come onto. Read through others experiences and you will see you are not alone, There are lovely people on here, that will be able to use their experiences and help you.

I dont suffer from this crappy thing. My OH does so i came on here to find out more about it. I have met some lovely friends on here.

Wont be long before the wonderful lot will start answering your blog.

Lou xx

[Trip]

hi Jcm welcome to the site i am also new so hello

this place has been great for me and i hope the same for you. if you ever need a chat or just want to have someone to message when you are feeling down you are more then welcome to send messages my way.

X

T

[Hidden]

Hi jmc

Welcome hun

5 children , even though a few grown up , uni , an ex , debt , this would make any one feel over whelmed , dont beat yourself up over it , I think you are great , dealing with it all & you are

As I was reading your post as well as anxiety symptoms , I did wonder if you had got hormone troubles , could be the starts of the change , as you described it that is just how i used to go on in the early stages , & even though at 43 its not old , i do believe thats when mine started even though it took till been 50 to get a blood test to come back saying I was !

Maybe you could ask your GP to do a blood test to check your hormone levels ?

There is so much support on this site , people understand & dont judge , so never has to be a worry about that happening as I no we can be afraid sometimes

Have a look at the blogs etc , some you may relate to more than others , but if you are like me there is always something that i think "yes" thats me

Keep posting on here you will make some good friends that understand you & thats a great support

Love

whywhy xxx

[Hidden]

Hi jcm x welcome x i have been on this site a few weeks now and have found the lovley comments so helpful and supportive, i guess in a world of panic and confusion its so nice ot know im not alone. I think you a very brave person to be plodding on in the world when you are suffering so much and that alone is a credit to how strong you can be if you just belive it. You did the right thing telling your friends because its always nice to have support, maybe you should try to speak to your therapist and ask for more frequent sessions during this particually stressful time she may offer some sort of calming techniqes for you to try to calm you when you feel panic setting in In the meantime coming on here and just getting things off your chest will help a great deal x hope this helps Donver x

[Hidden]

Thank you all. I really appreciate the support.I have wondered if it is my hormones- I've honestly never been the same since my mum died. There's a lot of complicated history to my life which still affects me today and up until mum's passing I was able to cope with that and being a mum, student etc. GP says I'm under a lot of stress so blood tests were inconclusive as high stress mucks up the hormones. It's always worse from mid cycle till I start and my PMT is definitely worse. I will definitely keep posting though. You are all wonderful- thank you xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

mums are such a strength as you are & I also lost mine 10 years ago now , but its like something is missing , i think no matter how old you are that reasurrance only a mum can give is missed so much when you no longer have it , so I feel for you

I think it is hormones by the sounds of it , which does make anxiety worse

Keep a diary , that helped me , when certain things were happening , like wanting to cry , feeling hot & so on , soon i could see there was a pattern , i no sometimes gp likes to say its anxiety , but when I went armed with the facts that were happening they took me more serious , even so do it just for you , as once you can see whats happening , helps a little to cope as you then start to no why you feel the way you do & why the anxiety feels worse

Well I am going on a bit now , so I will shut up lol

Let us no how things go

whywhy xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh whywhy, your words touched my heart. I have tried pushing away the pain of missing mum aside and I think that is partly why I'm suffering with the anxiety. My therapist as great as he is can only see me once a week and he doesn't deal with me outside the appointment time even though he works at the same university I study at. I understand that but in addition to my mum the personal stuff I have been dealing with over the last 23 years has also been painful, sensitive and traumatic and has been dripping like water torture. I would tell you but not on a public board like this, but you might find it upsetting and I wouldn't want to do that to you. The stuff I have been finding out about myself and my past from my family coloured the way I looked at mum particularly since she died and for so long up to very recently, that I could not even say if I still loved her. However with all the insecurities I have exascerbated by the anxiety and panic attacks, I missed mum's reassurance . She would always hug me and say 'it'll be okay darling' and even though she may not have been able to fix it her reassurance somehow gave me the strength to deal with things. And now I don't have that and it hurts so bad , it hurts physically so much that it catches my breath. I have one sister who has health issues but is supportive- she doesn't understand though why I say I wish mum was here when things feel bad as she says mum couldn't do anything. I have a couple of friends who are supportive but think I can just pull myself together. I have a few close friends on Facebook but I have never met them Beyond that my biggest support is my children . I am very lucky to have great kids and even they wish their gran was here for the same reasons I do- that reassurance that it will be ok. Aren't I daft for being this way? I feel so childish- I mean I'm 43 not a child and yet inside I feel like one, curled up in a ball rocking back and forth trying to comfort myself from being so scared.

Sorry i have rabbited on too much- been crying a lot and missing mum again.

The joys of anxiety and depression, huh? Thanks again. It means alot.

Julie xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

julie if you are childish well...so am I

I feel exactly the way you do , missing that reasurance

I am a mum of 3 grown up children , 18 , 26 & 32 & yet I still want to be hugged & told everything will be ok , my kids are great , my hubby is , but no one can replace that feeling only a mum gives

I think its normal as i was talking to my 32 year old & she says I give her that , even though I dont realise it , it must be built in mums

I have a pic of my mum where I sit watching TV & use laptop & even after 10 years , i find it hard at times to look at it for long as I feel like you & want to cry , & sometimes I do , especially through the hard times

I think what my mum would be saying to me if she were here & before I go to sleep I ask her to help me through this & I am sure they are , they need us to put the work in though as well & we will

If ever you want to message me you are more than welcome

We will get better , little steps , a day at a time

Love

whywhy xxx

[Cassiejonesxoxo in reply to Hidden]

THANKYOU SO MUCH, YOU TRULY GET US! I'm 14 (shoosh) and I have anxiety. It's hard for me! I constantly feel so sick and overwhelmed especially at nighttime and on weekends. Thankyou heaps, i just have to accept the fact that I have anxiety and get over it. My mum has anxiety and depression, but I don't have depression, just anxiety. Thankyou for all the help

[Minnie12]

Am so sorry but I can give you some tips as it might help? Try 300mg of magnesium, seven sea called "energetic you" which got fish oil in it with complex b which is excellent for anxiety, also vitamin d 1,000iu! They works for me and if you have Waitrose in your local, go and get yourself a tea pig chamomile flower herbal tea as its very good as it help you to relax, stay calm and reduce your anxiety! I sweared by it! My anxiety was bad before those vitamins and now it had reduced down as my anxiety is about 10-20% now...... Try those hun? Also CBT counselling?? If you love bath, go get Dead Sea salt from debenhams or sainsbury but not radox... A proper one and use it before you go to bed and drink chamomile herbal tea ok? Xx

[Minnie12]

Also try think positive but don't fight to it ok? Just let them be there bit don't give attention to it and it will disappearing slowly each time... Big hugs!! I know how u felt as I lost both of my parents at young age stay strong! Ur mum will always look down at you and be proud of you no matter what! You must remember that! X x

[Hidden in reply to Minnie12]

Thank you Minnie. I will try your suggestions as my GP would prefer I went down the alternative/natural remedies route. I think its just harder on some days than others and I know I'm panicking about the panic. My mum would be the first to kick me up the backside if she were here! I will definitely try the Seven Seas supplement- sounds good.

Thank you again so much. Big hugs back to you xx

[Minnie12]

Your welcome!! Take magnesium too as it helps with anxiety/panic along with seven sea called energetic you cos its only got vitamin b complex in it not others ok? I agreed about natural remedies as I think its best, I was given citrapolzm but didn't take it because I felt if I take it then it might make me feel worse and think more about anxiety so I determind to not take it, stick to vitamins, sea salt bath, chamomile flowers tea from Waitrose and go out often as I can and guess what? It helped and worked! You can do it!! Also if you feel panic, stay calm but ignore it and do things you like then it will go but if you focus on it then you will feel worse, think oh panic is coming etc but it won't cos its your head think that. Big hugs xx