I've never posted before so am nervous about the feedback. I'm 43, divorced mum of 5 wonderful kids aged 21,19,17,14,12 and a 3rd year at university. I've had depression on and off for about 18 years but never had panic attacks or anxiety this bad. My mum died of lung cancer in mid 2011 and it was from then that I spiralled down into depression and then panic attacks.My ex was abusive and still is mentally abusive to me and the law can't do anything about it.Financially my family and I struggle (the older ones are students too) which wasn't helped by my ex leaving about £13000 of debts which resulted in my being declared bankrupt in Feb 2011.
So financially I'm having problems which causes stress, being a mum causes stress but not too bad, being at uni in honours year causes stress and there are other more personal probs which are too long to go into. I'm not on meds as GP won't prescribe because I react badly- couldn't even take the pill but I am on a variety of alternative things which help a fair bit. Outside my kids, I have a wonderful therapist who I've seen for over 5 years (to do with my abusive marriage and the other personal probs) but that is once a week only.
Today I was in the super market with my middle daughter buying dinner . I started to feel really hot, really flushed and everything started to sway. Panic kicked in and I had to leave her. So there I am outside in the cold, shaking,sweating, feeling tired and in floods of tears. This isn't the first time its happened. Am just so sick of it -I wasn't like this 2 years ago. I struggle to function , to feel normal. I cry at the slightest thing and feel so bad for all my kids having to put up with this. All I want is to feel like me again, to get my life back so I can be their mum, be me, be the friend to my best friend who I nearly lost because I withdrew from her rather than tell her what was going on (She knows now). I've been checked out and everything is ok. I just can't stop crying over the slightest thing and my hormones are not helping-PMT is worse than ever. Sorry for going on but I'm even crying writing this as I feel so crap and scared.