What will happen to me and what just happened!?

[rubyslippers2012]

2 weeks ago I walked into the doctors (without and appointment) asking to see someone because I felt noone else would know what was happening to me. I was shaking with clammy hands, my stomach felt as if it had been punched hard, my heart was pounding and I was scared and desperate for the 'feeling' to be taken away( so much so I didn't know what I would do to stop it). I experienced a feeling/thought I never had done previously; hopelessness and an eternal doom, like I was falling down a well that had no bottom. I felt I was going out of control and that this would never stop.

The doctor was good with me and urged me to contact friends and family and try my best to talk it out, calm down and visit her in two days for another assessment as the assessment that day was totally out of sync of reality.

The following two weeks have been a slog. I immediately tried everything I could...relaxing, meditation, counseling, hypnotherapy, writing, forcing myself to do the jobs I had to, going out and talking to anyone I could about this. I quickly accepted this was psychological. Very slowly I have noticed the anxiety started to lift. I have lost about a stone through this ordeal due to a loss of appetite but I would say after two weeks I am eating 50% better than I was before. My thoughts are easing although at times they can be just as torturous and physically painful as the day its started. Although I have never experienced a full blown panic attack, the surge that the doom and gloom brings is quite painful and makes me feel incredibly sad.

It is Christmas and I have almost lost all my excitement, passion and love of life which is an extreme contrast to the person I was before I woke up that morning two weeks ago. My character is typically formidable and strong willed but then I experience this and I am deeply debilitated. For my children's sake, I am 'faking until I make it' but I am in hope I will continue to get better so I can look forward to 'tomorrow' rather than just getting through the day. I'm not crying or teary and I am 'bothered' to get on with the day so I question if I am depressed? Something is shifting and I am just going to keep trying to do the things that help. I have made an appointment with the Mental health team in early January but I am alone in such a long term and debilitating attack, accompanied with such torturous uncontrollable thoughts? What happened to be this bad!?

[stde]

What happened-you may never fully understand, but it has happened and this you cannot change, what you can change is your thinking towards this episode. View it as a temporary visitor, possibly a good thing as maybe it will stop you in your tracks and look at your life----do you feel responsible for everything,even things that are "not your business"---are you a perfectionist who feels uncomfortable if you feel things are not to "your standard"?---do you get angry or resentful if things don,t go your way, or you do not hear the things you want?....do you feel it necessary to feel in control of everything (people within your durisdiction included)..are you intense in everything you do?All these cause mental pressure

You see this (and more) was me, and I eventually realised that it was my thoughts and outlook that was making me unwell. I eventually managed to understand that I was not the hingepin of the world, my opinions (which i always had) were not that important, my advice which i always thought people needed, was not necessary unless asked..and I lacked two very important things

1. Acceptance that life is life and it is going to happen anyway (acceptance is stronger than any drug)

2. Gratitude for life

I must commend you on your fast action to get help as sometimes pride holds us back from tackling this subject (anx/dep). I wish you well as you will change and with it get better...xxxx speak soon..xx

[stde]

Sometimes if we don,t slow down, our body will slow us down!...x

[rubyslippers2012]

Thank you stde, wise words which gives me hope. x

[Mandy26]

Hi. I couldn't agree more with stde's comment about our body slowing us down. I too had anxiety out of the blue after never experiencing it before and everyone around me realised how frantic I was mentally and physically in the weeks before it happened, but I didn't. But it hit me for six too just as you describe. I too lost weight and it took me weeks to get back on my feet. I felt like a shell.

It's great that you are finding things that are helping you and are so proactive about it. Do you find anything helps you in particular?

X

[rubyslippers2012]

I find patience is the key and getting that through meditation and relaxation, being "in the moment". Hypotherapy is also good for visualing the future, accepting the now and understanding the past.

I'm interested to hear your experiences on the mental side of things; particularly where there were moments I didn't know what I was capable of doing to stop the thoughts. Sounds scary when I write it but I suppose I just felt invisible before.

[Teddysmum43]

Sounds like that was a major panic attack you had. I remember my first one sixteen years ago I had just had my first baby,I was feeding her at three in the morning and then this awful feeling swept over me of intense terror. This went on for hours,eventually my ex husband got the doctor out and they had to knock me out with Valium. I now know what had happened to me and every time I put too much pressure on myself the panic attacks come. Trouble is I didn't listen to my body enough and I now have fibromyalgia which is a chronic pain condition. I have been forced to listen to my body,I have no choice now. Keep doing what your doing and don't punish yourself for being human.

[stde]

Hello again..I read you try living in the moment.....A absolute great help to me was "The power of now"-----Eckhart Tolle-- (whom I believe also walked the path) remember you don,t have to buy everything ,try library

Don,t try to stop the thoughts, have a laugh (no matter how hard) view them as a temporary visitor and say "is that the best you can do!!" this takes away the power and they will soon leave and so will the fear......I wish you well you seem to be on the right path--it just takes time to change our thinking....xx

[SweetieCass]

You are so brave to seek help so fast! I know I had to swallow my pride and dragged my feet to the doctor only when things were at their worst. I don't know what triggers it but I completely agree with stde about the body slowing us down. I've recently relapsed quite badly and I completely understand the feeling of not being able to stop the thoughts, to think that they will never go away. I honestly don't know how I got through it and sometimes I still am not through it. I always turn to my support network at that time and I talk it through with someone. If they can logic it away then usually I can try logic it away. I'm not sure if that works for everyone though. It does get better, thats what you have to remember.

[rubyslippers2012]

Thank you for your responses.

Sweetiecass, what do you think it may have been that triggered this relapse? Were you under any particular stress? The thought processes that go on in my head is a very hard thing to explain to anyone, so it's a relief to hear that others are experiencing similar.

Four years ago I witnessed the tragic passing of my daughter in a horrific accident. I was of course heartbroken but if this episode is connected to this trauma then I didn't get a 'reaction' until now (I do struggle to link my anxiety to to this event). The only other time I had a similar episode (but on a milder scale) was 13 years ago; I contracted malaria whilst I was travelling in Africa. I was alone, sick, worried and couldn't contact loved ones. The episode lastest for ages,a week after diagnosis but from memory it was to a milder scale than this. Sure, both accounts are terrifying and I stand amazed at what the mind & body endures through when it has to then all of the sudden shuts down. I've questioned post traumatic stress but I rarely get flashbacks of the event itself...just intense dark, falling, endless feelings. Maybe thats how ptsd manifests itself to me. Whatever anxiety it is, I would obviously like to get to the root of it (when I'm recovered) to avoid/predict future attacks.

[fadedlizard]

Hi Ruby,

Firstly can I echo Cass, you have done so well walking into the doctors and asking for help straight away.

The mind is a strange and complex thing and it is perfectly possible you will never know what has triggered your anxiety. However it is also perfectly possible for it to be a reaction to the trauma you have suffered, especially if you seemed to be handling it well. You need to speak with a psychologist or other professional who will be able to advise you about things like PTSD.

Please keep posting, Ruby and allow the people on here to support you during this dificult time.

Best Wishes.x