2 weeks ago I walked into the doctors (without and appointment) asking to see someone because I felt noone else would know what was happening to me. I was shaking with clammy hands, my stomach felt as if it had been punched hard, my heart was pounding and I was scared and desperate for the 'feeling' to be taken away( so much so I didn't know what I would do to stop it). I experienced a feeling/thought I never had done previously; hopelessness and an eternal doom, like I was falling down a well that had no bottom. I felt I was going out of control and that this would never stop.
The doctor was good with me and urged me to contact friends and family and try my best to talk it out, calm down and visit her in two days for another assessment as the assessment that day was totally out of sync of reality.
The following two weeks have been a slog. I immediately tried everything I could...relaxing, meditation, counseling, hypnotherapy, writing, forcing myself to do the jobs I had to, going out and talking to anyone I could about this. I quickly accepted this was psychological. Very slowly I have noticed the anxiety started to lift. I have lost about a stone through this ordeal due to a loss of appetite but I would say after two weeks I am eating 50% better than I was before. My thoughts are easing although at times they can be just as torturous and physically painful as the day its started. Although I have never experienced a full blown panic attack, the surge that the doom and gloom brings is quite painful and makes me feel incredibly sad.
It is Christmas and I have almost lost all my excitement, passion and love of life which is an extreme contrast to the person I was before I woke up that morning two weeks ago. My character is typically formidable and strong willed but then I experience this and I am deeply debilitated. For my children's sake, I am 'faking until I make it' but I am in hope I will continue to get better so I can look forward to 'tomorrow' rather than just getting through the day. I'm not crying or teary and I am 'bothered' to get on with the day so I question if I am depressed? Something is shifting and I am just going to keep trying to do the things that help. I have made an appointment with the Mental health team in early January but I am alone in such a long term and debilitating attack, accompanied with such torturous uncontrollable thoughts? What happened to be this bad!?