I posted my first blog on here, and deleted It because it turned in to a story, although I kept it as it might help me. I am now sitting here after nearly a bottle of wine, 2mg of diazepam and 2 kalms, but it isn't that bad a place for me (although I know it isn't really the right thing to be doing).
Anyway after being signed off for a week after a panic attack at work and another one after a visit to the nurse before the Doctors appointment (with a recorded blood pressure of 220/100 during the second attack) I am faced with going back to work on the 27th of December, or going back to the Doctor to get another sick note. Being petrified of both options, it is leading me to wonder if I really should have got my act together and faced work without bothering seeking help from the Doctor (who I found unsympathetic and didn't seem to understand what I was going through). 21 x 2mg of Diazepam and 1 week signed off work for anxiety is not really why I went to the Doctor. Not really that helpful.
Work is a hard place at the moment, and it is hard becase I have to listen to other people's problems and deal increasingly more with their complaints, while feeling the pressure of getting it all done right, and in good time. Of course the biggest fear is facing going back after what other people saw when I lost it at work. What if it happens again? Considering I have been managing my own head on my own since I went to the Docs 15 years ago (for punching my own head in my fits of anxiety and anger), It is all new territory. I have never had to face this kind of dilemma, and although some say that exposure and facing things is the best way, what if it all kicks in again?
Will my employer understand? They consider absences in number of periods, not number of days, so maybe it will be worth my while having longer off, going back to the Doctor, and pleading for more help (CBT for example) to tackle my inability to deal with my fear of facing up to the stresses of my work.
It isn't easy...