The Child.

Hullo. My name is sarah and my mum is not very happy. She has got wot my dad calls ansiety. i do not no wot that is but it is really upseting my mum. my dad says its agrofobi... something. I am no good with long words. we dont go out like we used to beacuse my mum cant come with us. They said I shood write to you all becos i am only a child and I do not understand. I love my mum. but she dos not seem to love me any mor. i hope this ansiety thing is not catchin. when my grandad and nan come over they keep telling mum to pull herself to gever but she cant and just goes into the bedroom and cryes. we went to tescos the other day and we had to com home quick becos mum did not feel well. i cant have my frends over like i used becos mum says she cant stand the noyes. dad goes to work and cums home and ther is no diner for him and he gets upset and so do i. wen i talk to my frends at scool they just larf and say my mum is going potti. wot can i do?

Through the eyes of a child. Children, like animals have an instinctive feeling when something is not right but tend to hold it within themselves. Perhaps a stored memory for future anxiety? Love to all. jonathan

[donaf]

Wen I was like that with anxiety my eldest boy who is ten panicked, he used to go ova the road to his friends and say my moms crying again. He told her wat was up and she explained it to him as she had suffered with it in the past. I was happy that she explained it to him, as at the time I didn't know much about it only that it was called anxiety. He was much carmer with me wen I had a panick attack. Where as my youngest who is 6 Wud luk at me panic all ova his face. He wudnt say nuthing but I Cud tell he was full of panic. He had nite terrors in the nite every nite, but as I started to find out mire about it and carm down wen it was there his nite terrors starting stopping. I then explained that it was sumthing that many people suffered with, but nuthing bad Cud happen. It really worried me incase it played a part as they grew up xxx

[jaynehale36]

I too worry bout my 11 year old son. I have explained to him about anxiety and that it is just a feeling and that nothing bad can happen to me. We have cum up with a plan that if my hubby is on the late shift and I av a panic attack then we should walk the dog and go for chips. Once a few wks ago I had a really bad morning and I was sobbing my son came over to me and hugged me sooo tight. I was gutted and couldn't apologise enough... His response was" mum there is no law to say mums can't cry" Wow how grown up is that. Now when I have a bad day he says " mum let it out" . I know he wil be a better man for his experience and I just pray it doesn't have any lasting negative effects on him. X

[donaf]

He's sounds really grown up and is very helpfull for his age. My eldest was like mom u will b ok, and hugging me. Im still worryed about it playing a part on them wen there older because of them seeing me like it. I cudnt b on my own cuz I was scared, knowing that my other half was driving up and down the country wen ever he said he was out all nite I Wud have fear of it happening wen I was alone with the kids. So I Wud stop at my moms. My eldest Wud then say we am stopping at nans tonite cuz dads working and mom don't like being on her own. My other half changed jobs, but I've avoided being on my own at nite for so long now and I don't know how I Wud b about that still now. Where as this time last yr I loved having nites on my own. How things have changed x

[jaynehale36]

That's the same as me huni!!! I too hate being on my own wen hubby is in lates. I tend to go round to family for tea. I'm getting better with it now. We wil get there Hun, we have already made steps it just we are so tuned in to our anxiety that's all we see and feel. I'm keeping a diary to write down all positive steps I've made each day no matter how little. That way I can look back and be proud. Sending huggles your way. Xx

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Hi. All. You have all approached this problem with understanding; so very important! We have to face the fact that children are very impressionable and take in far more than we realise.

Thanks for you helpful replies. It is so important to tell children about anxiety, but in their language. In terms that they understand. Theory and technical details go over their heads.

jayne, you reply really touched me. Children, like animals, are full of unconditional love if only they are allowed to express it. Repression is dangerous! That is what I was trying to say. Good luck and Love to all. jonathan.

[Hidden]

I feel that this is partly why I developed an anxiety disorder, as my dad suffered too, and we were never really helped to understand his behaviour.

My mum would just say "your dad suffers with his nerves", but what does that mean to a child? All I knew was that my lovely dad who I was really fond of, would not always be able to play with us, take us out, or come with us when mum was taking us somewhere. He would sit in a chair looking fearful and strained, and we would be told to leave him to have some peace and quiet and not make too much noise. Then at other times he was full of life, full of fun, very witty and kept us entertained with jokes and silly voices, so it was hard to understand this illness called "nerves".

I don't blame my parents for this, though, as this was in the 1970's, at a time when mental health issues were far less understood and even the patient themselves would not be given a good explanation of what was wrong. My dad was put on Valium and stayed on it for 19 years!

Although I don't have children of my own, I do have a teenage neice, and when she was little, I didn't want her to be puzzled by my agoraphobia and view me as odd. So when she was about aged 5 I explained it this way to her -

"Some people have illnesses that make their BODY feel poorly. They might have a headache or a tummyache or need to go to bed. Some people have an illness that makes their MIND feel poorly. This might mean that they feel scared and nervous when they don't need to be, or they might feel very very sad and cry, even though nothing sad has happened. This is because they are poorly in their mind. It happens to quite a few people and I am one of them. It's nothing to be scared of, but it means that sometimes I can't go to all the same places and do all the same things as other people."

I think it can be helpful to tell any child this, so that they grow up with empathy for the mentall ill in general.

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Hi. funky. My goodness, what understanding!! This is exactly how it should be explained. You know, in the Greek version of the Bible the word 'child' is not as interpreted in the King James version but it means, literally, 'Those of little understanding'. (Not religious; just making a point). Children are 'of little understanding', so it is up to us to meet them on that level. You most certainly have. Your picture of your father mirrors mine exactly. My father was a policeman and he seemed quite capable at his job. How I do not know as he suffered from 'nerves' also. He went through the London Blitz and although his nerves never killed him, even though Hitler tried to! He was 95 when he died and he did suffer a lot. He always kept us amused for hours with his conjuring tricks. You know, I have always said, we who suffer in this way are usually 'special' people. My father was 'special' in that he always felt for others. This may be why he suffered. I don't know, a different story, perhaps.

[hamble99b]

I have never forgotten a true but sad story that was told on a tv program about grief counselling for children.

A young boy was told to be very quiet as granddad was poorly. In the garden he tripped and fell. as he fell, he let out a cry of fear. granddad died that day and the little boy was inconsolable. he withdrew from everything, barely slept or ate. He was referred to the grief counsellor and eventually told them that had killed his granddad. He'd been asked to be quiet, but he'd screamed and the noise had killed granddad. No-one had explained granddad had lung cancer and had hours to live as they didn't want to upset him!. The counsellor successfully worked with this sad little boy.

It touched me because I remember feeling really guilty that I'd fell asleep whilst praying for my granddad to get better. He died of cancer and no amount of prayers would have helped.

Children take in a lot more than we realise and cannot rationalise as adults can. I agree that this can affect us in later life.

I worked with children for many years and if they raised the topic of death or divorce we would discuss it matter of factly, admitting how we can feel.

that it was ok to be upset and yes angry too.

sandra.

[hamble99b]

we had a little boy in the nursery who hated his glasses and would hide them - washing machine; fridge; video; etc... One of the staff, Linda, would say "Matthew, where are your glasses?"

One morning, his mum asked us not to ask him about them as he'd been upset, she explained - " Timmy, the little dog next door has died, he was very old. Matthew loved to play with him. I told him that God was in heaven and thought "I need a nice little doggy" so he came down on a cloud, wrapped timmy in his arms, and took him up to heaven." she said he'd had a little cry, but seemed ok now.

Linda came in and, before we could stop her, asked "Matthew, where are your glasses?" He looked her straight in the eye and said "God was in heaven. He looked down and said "I need some glasses" so he came down on a cloud and took mine to heaven."

We were speechless!!

sandra.