Looking for advice to save my family!

[bandicoot1987]

My anxiety is once again getting out of control, I've been told by a phone consultation it sounds as if my mums problems are the reason for this and with the pattern I'm seeing it's true.

My mum goes out almost 6 nights a week drinking, but has an over active desire to hit a limit and keep going, to which she thinks she can handle but we all know she can't. This in turn results in heated discussions with my dad who is very unwell and suffers bad health anyway, including a heart problem. She's very hurtful to both me and my dad, we try talking to her and she won't listen, she continues to shout and swear at us and always says it's our fault. She Denys having a problem, it's ruining my family. How do you get help for someone who won't admit they need it. I'm never going to be able to focus on myself or my panic attacks until this stops.

I'm having to take diazepam to help send me to sleep before she comes home most nights because I lay panicking not knowing what's going to happen. I run my own business which I struggle to get up for as I also suffer with a raised heart rate and hyperventilation following sleep deprivation, but if I try telling my mum this she just tells me that I'm pathetic and I don't know what I'm talking about.

Please help xx

[hypercat54]

Hi I am sorry you are living in such a toxic environment and the obvious question is are you in a position where you can move into your own home and away from this? That would seem to be the obvious answer.

The sad fact is you cannot save your family. If your mother refuses to admit she has a problem and to seek help there is nothing you can do. I would say support her and be there for her but not when she is so aggressive with you as it is impacting your mental health. All you can do is distance yourself from it as much as possible which is why I suggested leaving home is a good option.

At the end of the day everyone has a right to go to hell their own way and to take responsibility for them selves or not as the case may be. x

[bandicoot1987 in reply to hypercat54]

That's just it I'm in no position to move, plus I would never leave my dad.

I just wish she would see someone, it's so unlike my mum, I honestly believe there's more to it than not being able to handle her drink. Her attitude has completely changed over the last few years.

She was the most gorgeous wonderful loving woman you could ever wish to meet and her relationship with my dad has always been an absolute fairytale, they literally doted on each other. Now I barely recognise her, and others see it too.

I can't abandon my family, I need to help her get the help she needs and then hopefully I'll start to feel better.

Thankyou xx

[hypercat54 in reply to bandicoot1987]

Well I wish you luck! She can't get the help she needs until she wants too so all I suggest is don't let her problems drag you down too much otherwise your mental health suffer. x

[happy_kitty]

You said this problem just started to develop a couple years ago right? Was there anything that happened or changed around the time it started that could have triggered this response from your mom? Sometimes it helps to find and address the root of the problem.

Also, I believe that there is an organization for the adult children of alcoholics which may be able to help you if you reach out to them.

- just a thought

[bandicoot1987 in reply to happy_kitty]

I don't think so no its sort of just escalated over time. She's snappy and short tempered more often than not. She doesn't find people humorous anymore it's like she doesn't understand sometimes when people are joking. Only some of the time, it's not always like this.

Alcohol seems to fuel what ever it is that's going on. It's just a case of me finding someone to talk to about it to find out what help I can get. But she's still adiment it's all of us and not her and now she won't talk to us. Everyone is in separate rooms.

She did say some very hurtful things the other night.

Thankyou for your response xx

[SuZQ154]

So sorry you and your dad are going through this. You sound confused and saddened by your mom's behaviors which is understandable. Changes like your mom's sometimes happen during menopause?? It doesn't sound like your mom is in a place where she thinks she needs help, nor would seek professional advice. Would you and your dad consider counseling? Christian counseling was a life saver for me when dealing with a family member who was very similar to your mom. I had to learn how to change me and not be an enabler. Praying for you today!! Hang in there!

[bandicoot1987 in reply to SuZQ154]

Sadly my dad would not. I need to do something, I can't live my life like this 😢 xx

Thankyou xx

[SuZQ154 in reply to bandicoot1987]

You sound open to going to counseling? Are you pursuing this? I would encourage you to do so. It was a lifesaver for me! Thinking and praying for you today.