Hi Everyone. I haven't been on this site for quite a while. I have been concentrating on feeling good and have been putting a lot of effort into feeling happy with myself and my life. And I am happy to say it has all paid off.
The one thing that has gotten me through my anxiety and depression is 'learning to enjoy life'. My anxiety stemmed from feeling constantly stressed; Stress about getting out of bed in the morning because I knew I wouldn't enjoy work. Stress about going home because I knew how much I had to do, and stress about going to bed because I felt I never got enough sleep. I lost all sense of enjoyment and eventually my body gave up on me and I suffered bouts of attacks.
I made my decision to force myself into finding enjoyment in things again.
Every morning I get up a 6am to walk our dog. I used to hate the fact that I had to do this. I would feel tired and stressed that I was doing this before going to work. But when I thought about it, I love walking our dog, so why was I making this unenjoyable? Now I love waking up and being up before everyone else. It was hard but every morning I would force myself to smile and would just get on with it. Now I get up without any problems.
I hated work. I was overworked, going through a redundancy process, and just wanted to be at home in bed all of the time. Now, I focus on my ahievements and keep myself organised. I take time to enjoy little rituals like my morning coffee, and my half hour scour of the internet on my lunch.
At home, I have everything to enjoy, and I don't understand why my brain programmed itself to hate this time of day. I now come home and look forward to seeing my bf and our dog. I enjoy making tea as I know I am providing for my family. I enjoy my time with my bf on the couch watching TV and talking about our day. And I even enjoy going to bed because I feel like my day has been so fulfilling, I can rest well.
And to top it all off, my boyfriend always comments on how much of a different person I am. Like I am the person he started to date all those years ago, and that makes me feel even better.
It really did prove to me that it is all in my head and it can be beaten. As much as it feels a physical illness, with the pains in the chest, the palpitations and the shakes, it can all be overcome by mental strength and persuasion of yourself.
It's not an overnight fix, and sometimes I sat and thought, I can't believe I am telling myself to fake smile, or, I can't believe I am telling myself to enjoy walking my dog in the pouring rain, whilst everyone else is in bed. But slowly, I didn't need to tell myself anymore, because the enjoyment was happening naturally.