Feeling the strain

[Mandy26]

So my weekend was OK. After having 4 or 5 days of feeling great however I feel like things have started to take a dive. I've felt so incredibly tired over the last few days, to the point where I almost feel drunk! I wouldn't say my anxiety has been terrible but it's just been a lingering feeling of illness/uncertainty.

I find myself sitting watching TV when my stomach would flip and my chest would tighten and I'd just think 'Great, get on with it'. I'm very tired with it now.

I think my main worry is the effect that it has on my partner. Since the feelings and attacks started (about 6 weeks ago) I feel like I'm immersed in myself and my feelings. I'm not going about my days as I usually would, I'm really being quite selfish. The atmosphere around the house has changed and although he is so supportive I can see that it's very frustrating for him. I do explain how I'm feeling and talk through things with him but never too much as I know he has things on his plate too. I just want things to get back to normal so I can go back to being confident again and get out and about and get our relationship back to what it was. I've delayed talking about holidays as I don't feel confident enough yet to go on one, even a small camping trip this weekend, I would love to go but the lack of understanding and confidence is holding me back but it would be lovely for us to spend some time together. I think I am having one of those days. My home has become my comfort zone I think.

[Scooby1234]

Hi Mandy,

I think tiredness is definitely a factor that makes Anxiety worse, it does for me, I can have plenty of sleep and yet I feel phsically and mentally tired all the time!! I dont think that helps with your thoughts because you dont have the energy to put them aside.

I feel I am immersed in myself at the moment as well, can't seem to switch off to it. I had gd couple of days over weekend as well, my partner was off, he is back to work today and im not feeling so gd. do you find you are better around people? im not good with my own company! x

[Mandy26]

Hi Scooby.

I feel exactly the same. This weekend I've probably had more sleep than ever but I'm so tired and just have no enthusiasm for anything at the minute.

Are you currently off work with anxiety? I do feel better around people. I think it's like a comfort blanket. I struggled when I was off work and my partner would go out to the office. I felt really alone and would just try to sleep until he came home. I think it gives you time for your mind to run riot sometimes. x

[Scooby1234]

I know I find I lack enthusiasm because I dont want to feel anxious I dont do things that will cause me anxiety, therefore end up not doing much at all, not doing much makes me sleepy!!

I'm not off work cos of anxiety, I have a 18 month old so I only work part time :), its good but also not because I struggle with too much time to think. And although I have my child around its very lonely, I get so frustrated that I cant put all my energy in to her instead of my anxiety as I should but its so difficult. I much prefer being around people.

[Mandy26]

I noticed recently I do that too, I've only just picked up on it. It even goes as far as to not watching certain films if they're too tense.

Oh I see Although I can't relate 100% as I've not been around children much, I can understand what you mean regarding putting your energy into people.

I hope you feel better soon and have some more good days. I'm currently clock watching for 5:00pm to strike.

x

[Scooby1234]

I know what you mean. Do you still have your independance etc? Thats what I want back desperately. It's for me the worst part of my anxiety disorder, I dont have any so pathetic really, well feels it for a 27 year old! I'm due to start CBT next week and hoping so much that it will give me some direction to do that!!

Thank you I hope you do too. Are you currently working? 5 o'clock is a good time lol!! Nicki x

[Mandy26]

When I first met my partner 2.5 years ago I was really independant and confident but I've completely lost that. And that's what makes me worry slightly, that I'm not the person he first met.

Do you feel like you'll ever get back to being that way? On good days it all seems so simple. 'I'll just jump on a plane and have an outgoing holiday' or 'I'll just meet up with friends for a drink', but then the next day if I feel down it just seems to much to go through with and it's very frustrating.

I am working at the minute. As you can probably tell from me being on this I struggle to stay focused at the minute lol. x

[Scooby1234]

Just a difficult time you're going through and he should respect that and love you all the same.

I know what you mean, I worry all the time because I've had my anxiety for 8 years (sometimes really bad) and been with my partner for 10. He has stuck by me but I know how difficult it has been for him. I have alot of insecurities because I know I'm not the person he first fell in love with and I know that I'm not the person I use to be. Obviously there are charasterics that are the same but it's almost like the anxiety even takes over them and I dont know who I am, what my personality is, I jus see anxiety and thats it!! I need to change!!!

If you have any independance at all, hold on to it, keep positive and make every attempt you can to stay that way. I have lost mine and its so difficult to get it back. I cant believe how anxiety can become almost a habit, I can experience a "episode" whilst shopping for example and then for ages after when I'm shopping again that "episode" is constantly on my mind and so I worry that it will happen everytime Im in the same experience and then I avoid the situation which is the worst thing I can do because once I've avoided it I dont want to do it again!! Sorry I'm going on ... lol... I find myself suddenly wanting to just blurt out all my feelings because there actually people on this site that understand!!

Lol - work is a bit like that at the best of times ey, most people cant stay focused on it and would much rather be elsewhere lol! x

[Mandy26]

I always ask if he is OK with everything and he says he understands. I think it's probably me making things worse by being a bit paranoid about it.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't know what your personality is, but somedays I see it as a positive that I can almost 'create a new me'. (then I have a bad day lol) Do you ever have days where you feel confident and think you can start being how you used to be or do you feel like that part of you has gone completely?

No it's fine you aren't going on at all I think this site is great as you say because you can speak to people going through the same thing. The minute I srarted speaking to people on here my attitude started to change towards anxiety. Even speaking to you today has made me feel much better so thank you

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't blame my lack of enthusiasm on the anxiety, maybe it's just work in general lol. x

[Scooby1234]

I can relate to that x

Yeah - I've never looked at it like that before, definitely a positive way to look at it, could end up being a better person

Yes I do have days like that, I sometimes dream (sounds silly) and have real positives thoughts about little steps I could take to get me driving again and doing the things I need to do but by morning I seem to loose the positivness thats where I'm hoping the CBT will help, they might be able to give me some techniques to help me remain positive!! Think if you feel positive you can definitely achieve more. It's just difficult if you're facing a fear or something similiar.

No worries, you have helped me today too!! x

[Wildmage]

I have just finished stage 2 of CBT, which is the first stage. At first I did not think it was going to work because Alex my CBT counseller said that she was not sure she could help me. She said that if I were to continue with the six sessions I would need to put in the work and do the things needed to help me think differently, to think more positive and I did. Six weeks later I am feeling much better because I put the work in and pushed myself and got myself moving again. I am not saying I am back to being the old me, I don't think that is possible, but I am hoping I am becoming a better person than I was and am, at least, smiling again, which is something I never thought would happen...

I am on the waiting list now for stage 3 of CBT, which is the self esteem building part and is the part I think I need, as I do not have a lot of this anymore. I used to be confident and self assure and independent but the panic attacks and anxiety put paid to that person. I am slowly trying to build this part back up again, but it is one step forwards two back, Every day is like taking baby steps, one step, one day at a time.

Keep going. I am reading a book called "The Secret", which is all about positive thinking and the law of attraction and hopefully this will help me too. Although I am a self help book addict lol...