Need to get it off my chest.

[egglegg]

I feel like I don't know what to try anymore. I've attempted so many medications while in such a heightened state of severe anxiety, I was on Clonazepam for 2 years straight with symptoms still leaking through. My memory, understanding, problem-solving, speech, writing- it all feels like it's taking a turn for the worst, recently. I can hardly think. I continue to get strange symptoms. If an actual health development occurs, I have a full-blown crisis. Taking medication is always, always a problem. I get the most ridiculous symptoms from every single medication. Recently I stopped the Clonazepam after 2 years of coping, because I was concerned with my cognitive impairment trouble. For a month it was hard, but bearable. Then I got a new job. I started at Navy Federal, and instantaneously, it all came crashing down. 3 emergency room visits for the first time in 2 years, starting new mental health medication that severely impacted me for a few weeks, unsolved reproductive organ concerns and surgeries on the horizon. A tumor I've known I have on an ovary of mine suddenly got bigger, so surgery is now imminent. I've never had surgery before, and I have a phobia of being numbed ever since a traumatic experience where I was completely numb for over 8 hours. I hate that I can't work right now, and I hate that I still live at home. My parents do what they can, but often make me feel absolutely TERRIBLE and belittle me if I have a health concern. I have a low fever right now, I'm spotting two weeks earlier than an expected period, and it's probably because of the tumor and because our family was sick half a week ago and I got it, but I don't feel it's irrational to be nervous. Especially since we don't have working instruments to check my temperature. They use a thermometer from 2002 and don't have replacements on the end. I asked if we could get a new pack of replacement coverings and/or a new thermometer ($10) and my mother was appalled I had the "nerve" to ask for them to use more money and time on me. There's so much to unpack with them- I can barely be around them anymore because of how poorly we get along. I stay in my room in my bed every day. I've developed severe agoraphobia, I have panic and general anxiety disorder, and I battle DPDR, PTSD and Depression. I can't leave the house anymore unless it's something I have to do, it's become too much. I'm in a behavioral health therapy group (DBT) and it's not really doing much except making me have panic attacks every time I have to be around people. I was referred by the ER doctor, so my parents insist it must be helpful. If I want to "stay living in their house", I have to keep going. At this particular moment, given everything, I am at a loss. My psychiatrist wants me to try a new medication, and I feel so detached from reality I don't know if I can do it. I don't feel like my surroundings look normal, though they look just fine- it's like a recognition thing. I assume it's DPDR but sometimes I think I've finally just started to go crazy. Or I worry about other cognitive impairments because I can hardly believe this is fixable with anxiety treatment. The Clonazepam is just making it worse. I just want to curl in a ball on my bed and stare at the wall for years and years and years. I don't find joy in nearly anything anymore, save for seeing my boyfriend occasionally- the only thing I feel I have left of my former life. He refuses to give up on me. I need it right now. I'm lucky I have him. I know I need to exercise, I need to go outside, I know I'm likely suffering from isolation mental-health-related issues. But I can't stop the "I'm going to have a crisis" to "I'm having a crisis" to "I need to get to the ER" thought pipeline and frankly can't afford the ER again. I'm starting individual therapy virtually tomorrow- it's not the first time I've tried it, but I'm hoping this time it helps, I need someone to vent to so bad. But I also am expected to go in for a bladder check tomorrow, where they're going to numb me around the waist, so they can check why I have UTI symptoms without UTIS. Every day I'm either going to a medical appointment or rotting in my room. I am so very sad, scared and lost. I know I'm young. I try to remind myself that this could all go away if I put my mind to it. I just feel like I'm surrounded by people who don't know what to tell me when I ask "how," or if they do, my parents are necessary in involvement for healing and they don't want anything to do with me right now. I wouldn't either- I just don't know what to do.😔

I guess I kind of just needed to get it out, but any and all advice is welcome. Thank you.

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. I am glad you are here with us. There is so much support available here.

[leveller]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish on so many fronts. Please give the therapy a good go. Finding someone you connect with can make a huge difference. Try and get a little bit of exercise every day - even if it's just a walk. And remember it will get better. X

[LynnFrancis]

Hello there, in addition to therapy, try praying. I had all kinds of mental and physical issues including anxiety. The Lord took them away over a period of three years, and I’m now experiencing the peace that only comes from God.

[beinganon]

It’s not clear whether you’re still off the clonazepam; at one point you say “ I worry about other cognitive impairments because I can hardly believe this is fixable with anxiety treatment. The Clonazepam is just making it worse.” Assuming you’re off it, I’d say to get back on it: (1) I’ve been on it about 24 years now, age 25 on. (2) My sister, who is an MD, writes my prescriptions. (3) She says it does lead to cognitive decline, and she explains it thus: “You’ll be at 70 what you’d be like at 75 if you weren’t to be taking it at all—so try and taper it but if you can’t, don’t bother too much.”

Basically, holistic methods such as yoga and meditation apart, my idea (from your post) is that you’re better off with the clonazepam than without.

Here’s wishing you peace and luck.

[Rosa2019 in reply to beinganon]

This is excellent advice. Too many of us are feeling guilty about taking these drugs. If we were diabetic we would take insulin without question. You have a medical condition that requires help. If you take these drugs as directed, they work. Don’t let media misinformation mislead you.